Young Writers Society

CHAPTER 3: DCMC

They were at the Disney channel medical center.

"well, here goes nothing." said Matt

"Matt, it's not like we're gonna starve or meet six talking chipmunks."

"come in and meet the dr." said some old lady

"hello Dr. alsiore Briettel"

"six talking chipmunks" said Matt

"yup." said Dr. Alsiore Briettel

"Why don't we go to SL?" matt asked

"Oh and BTW, you know that your friends are doing it while we're talking, so let's go watch them!" said Alvin

The Dr. fell over and there were 6 munks

"Ok! Spying on love activities of friends is so ,like, IN!!" Matt and V said

"your becoming more and morre together as we speak!" said Brittney

"I know" said matt

So they went on a bus to go to TDH.

"by the way, I heard about the two things and I was wondering, would you, by any chance, ever think about giving us time for a full medical checkup on Vanessa here?" said Simon

"at the hotel, and one more thing, did you see the HSM\chipmunks double doc. on last night? I thought it did not do you all justice, after all, you are THE hottest animal band of ALL TIME."

"yes. and by the way, why did you two..." asked Elonore

"it was one time.. right Vanessa?" asked Matt

"um, I think around 2-10."

the bus beeped.

an old lady in the back yelled "POOP IS FOR ME, BOOBS ARE FOR YOU, OH HOW WE ALL LOVE POOP AND BOOBS!

"what the heck?" asked everyone

"And by the way, are you two married?"

"not yet. but I'm trying to get it on September 23."

"the day we first meet" said everyone

"and remember the time travel?" asked Vanessa

"fondly." said Matt

"oh look! the bus is here! let's go and spy on the sex activities of Ashley and Lucas!" said Alvin

The crept to room 101.

They opened the shades, they found Lucas and Ashley, naked, having sex!

"oh my god. Is she not pregnant already?" asked Vanessa

"nope, but let's watch closely" said Zac

"this is fun" said Alvin

inside Ashley was sucking luckie's cock.

"WOW! how entertaining" said Monique

Lucas was having fun. "harder!"he yelled

"let's get out of here and come back later, I believe that..." said Matt

"AHH! I believe me water broke! get us to the SE you idiots!" yelled Vanessa, Brittney, Jeanette, Eleanore at the same time

so they raced off to Hollywood to find their portal that would get them there.
-------
MATT

Again, check for the caps please!

I may be repeating myself but, to me this reads more like a script than a story! Make them do something interesting or just walk and talk or something so that it is not an reem of dialogue. Try at least to get a paragraph longer than three lines! [A target for you!]

The r-rated scene. Eeek. Please edit so it is ... more sophisticated. Plus I don't think in movie-verse the characters would do that anyway. [According to what I have heard from friends] And the Chipmunks being there is slightly disturbing. *reminisces about the old cartoon - ah the days of innocence have gone*

an old lady in the back yelled "POOP IS FOR ME, BOOBS ARE FOR YOU, OH HOW WE ALL LOVE POOP AND BOOBS!

That is random ... does it symbolise something? Icky.

we first meet

met!

"WOW. how entertaining" said Monique

Sarcasm? If so, then say so!

On the whole, this would more interesting if you added some detail and some flavour into your language. Use techniques that I know your English teacher has taught you [metaphors, similies etc] Please, please, please, PLEASE Capitalise every start of the sentences, names and when someone talks too. You are consistant offender and must be stopped. ;p

Take your time whilst creating the next chapter and think about what you have written. Check for it making sense. Check for missed capital letters. Check for time continuum problems. Check for it looking like a script. Whilst reading my long-bum paragraphs may be a bore, paragraphs that are only one line [unless used for a specific effect] are even worse. Ramble, man! Also, check for net speak! Tis a huge no-no!

Phew. ;p Excuse my rambling, I am on a just-completed-my-second-last-exam-high! Whoop. No more RE for me!

Have fun and write on!

I'll say it one last time: Capitalise.

Thankies for the points!

The r-rated scene. Eeek. Please edit so it is ... more sophisticated. Plus I don't think in movie-verse the characters would do that anyway. [According to what I have heard from friends] And the Chipmunks being there is slightly disturbing. *reminisces about the old cartoon - ah the days of innocence have gone*

what do you mean? and it's in Real Life. I know, but they're 18 and Matt is 16 and Vanessa is also.

And I have a Q: where should I go with this? another sex part,operation,song?
MATT

Oops sorry for confusing you! I meant that the language is immature. Has nothing to do with the age at all ;p It just made me squick.

Plus HSM is from what I've heard is a very squeaky clean thing. So no pregnancies or secks scenes. But what ever, you can put what you like in your fanfic! It just seemed very odd to me that these squeaky clean people would rush out and do that. Take it from a fanfic veteran; suddenly shoving previously unsecksual characters into a situation where they are, is incredibly awkward to read. Give some kind of build up or warning so it at least feels comfortable. Preferably in the first chapter.

Meh. I thought it was movie-verse. Being a [points at name] means that I didn't know the actor's names or the character's names. I assumed they were the character's names because normally fanfics are about the characters, not the actors. LOL.

Remember the tips. "this is fun" said Alvin: the italics is not allowed. Cap. i. tal. ise.

Describe!

That is all. :p

ok.
and here is chapter 4, if you don't mind: topic31692.html

I really like where I'm heading, I think though, it's too random.

What do you think?

I also think that there should be more music and light sex.

MATT