Young Writers Society

“Who is that?” Ansem (aka: Riku) said as he pointed at the picture on DiZ’s computer screen.

“That,” DiZ replied, “Is your next assignment.”
“What do you mean, ‘assignment’?”
“I need you to track this young woman down and convince her to come here, I have been watching her for sometime now, and her… abilities could prove useful to—’’
“You’re talking about kidnapping! No! I wont do it! I’m not dragging any more innocent people into this fight! She’s barley older than I am!”
“Well, what’s your point? Do you not want to help Sora?”

Ansem stepped back; DiZ had crossed the line this time. A Nobody was one thing, but an actual person? And anyway, how could he bring Sora into this?

Naminé broke in,

“if you’ll please listen to me for a moment…”

DiZ and Ansem just kept arguing. She sighed, for someone who actually had a heart; DiZ could be quite cruel at times. She tried again,

“Excuse me!”

still no one listened, so she said the one thing that would make them listen to her,

*gasps* “Oh no! Look it’s Axel!”

The two men whirled around and looked at her, ready to attack. Naminé smirked

“good, now that I have your attention, stop arguing! DiZ why don’t you just tell Riku—I mean Ansem—why you need Yozora's help so bad, and Ansem just keep your mouth shut and listen to what DiZ has to say.”

DiZ was reluctant to listen to Naminé’s advice at first, but he knew she was right.

“The girl I am asking you to ‘kidnap’, Yozora, is a master of deception and combat. She certainly would be useful to have around in the event that we are attacked, not to question your ability to fight, but I think she would be more ready to kill than you would.”

DiZ explained. Unable to think of any ‘real’ reason not to obey DiZ, Ansem replied,

“Alright, I’ll bring you the girl.”

Ok, here's what I think.

“Who is that?” Ansem (aka: Riku) said...

Don't put aka: Riku. In fact, refer to Riku as Riku throughout the entire story. Everyone there knows Riku's identity and calling him Ansem just gets a little confusing for those who know this game. Besides he only asks to be called Ansem once in the game, so it's not completely necessary.

Next: Namine doesn't act like that. In this story she's too... I think bold is the word I'm looking for. She also wouldn't do that Axel joke thing.

Overall I thought this wasn't that great. It doesn't feel much like kingdom hearts and the characters are little out of character (with Namine being completely out of character), and I don't get how this could tie into the kingdom hearts universe.

Other than that, though, your dialog was for the most part solid enough to believe, and you seam to have a decent enough start here. And that's all I've got to say, I guess.

Edit:
One last thing.

*gasps* “Oh no! Look it’s Axel!”

Don't use 'gasps' in that way. In fact you don't even need it. The main reason you shouldn't, though is that it's not used in this style of writing. If this were a manga or something than it would be fine, but its not.

like the look of the story. but a quick word of advice, descriptions are important, no matter what. you need to separate the characters out more. pretend i have no idea what you are talking about and you are trying to explain to me.

However, i like the original idea. It can definitely go somewhere.