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Welcoming Freedom Chapter 3



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Thu Jun 12, 2008 7:32 pm
writ3rindisguis3 says...



The third chapter!

Chapter 3

Attack


The brisk wind blew against me, sending shivers throughout my body. I pulled my coat around me tighter. I walked down the dark street, wishing that the lamps were on.

I had been walking for a while. The house the meeting was being held at was twenty minutes away and I had been walking for about ten.

I heard some shuffling behind me and turned at the sound. Leaves skittered across the road. It must have been my imagination. My mind likes to make things up when I’m nervous. I turned back around and continued walking. I peeked over my shoulder once more, just to make sure. Nothing
was there.

I stumbled over my feet, and crashed to the ground. I heard my dress rip and felt my hands scrape against the sidewalk. My knees slid across the ground. I held back tears, as I sat on the ground.

Growling erupted out of nowhere and something slammed against me. I crashed into a wall and heard something crack. Pain slowly eased its way up my spine. I cried out in pain and something laughed at me.

My eyes snapped open and looked in terror at the person in front of me. A woman with red fiery hair crouched in front of me. Piercing, blood red eyes met mine and an evil smile spread across her face. I gasped and pain erupted in my back. I cringed and the woman chuckled.

“You smell so delicious. Too bad James isn’t here. He would have loved you.” I looked at her in confusion, but she only snarled at me. She grabbed both of my arms and put them behind my back. Her hands were freezing cold and her breath on my neck made me shiver. She pulled back on my arms and I screamed out. “I like to play with my food. The fear makes you taste so much better.” Food? I was truly confused now.

She slammed me against a wall and my face came in contact with the brick wall. My nose cracked and a hot liquid ran down my face. The woman twisted my arms and my shoulder popped out of its socket. I screamed out and fell to my knees. A foot collided with my back and I fell forward.

What had I done to deserve this? My arms thumped to the ground on either side of me. I had so much pain all over. “You’re time has come to an end, young girl.” She cackled an evil laugh. Her mouth came down on my neck and she kissed it once before she sunk her teeth into my neck.

I gasped as a burning sensation erupted in my neck. I could feel the life being sucked out of me slowly and the woman, no…creature, was giving pleasurable sounds. I knew I was going to die. I didn’t try to fight back but waited for death to come.
  





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Thu Jun 12, 2008 11:10 pm
Peter T. Gardner says...



lol i really like it~~~ :D
  





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Thu Jun 12, 2008 11:20 pm
Kiss In The Rain says...



My eyes snapped open and looked in terror at the person in front of me. A woman with red fiery hair crouched in front of me.


"A woman with red, fiery hair..."

She slammed me against a wall and my face came in contact with the brick wall.


You used wall twice; I would cut the second one.

Her mouth came down on my neck and she kissed it once before she sunk her teeth into my neck.


Again, repetative; this time with "neck". "into my flesh" sounds better at the end.

*~*

Okay, this chapter, I must say, was much better. Very nice; I don't like Victoria... I just thought I'd throw that out there, *giggles*. I'm sorry I was so mean in my othe reviews. But, this chapter was much better. Nicely done.
I wish the world was still so simple...when stars were just the holes to heaven
  





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Fri Jun 13, 2008 12:09 am
Night Mistress says...



Oooh, i have to say that this getting interesting. You introduced James and Victoria. I be in the next chapter, you are going to bring some of the Cullens in, aren't you? I guess i will have to stick around to see what you do in the chatpers to come. Good LUck with those.
"I love you," she whispered in his ear, before taking his mouth with her own.

~Elizzabeth Grey of Addicting Posion
  





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Tue Jun 17, 2008 3:50 am
Dustfinger says...



Nice. i would change one thing though.

What had I done to deserve this? My arms thumped to the ground on either side of me. I had so much pain all over. “You’re time has come to an end, young girl.” She cackled an evil laugh. Her mouth came down on my neck and she kissed it once before she sunk her teeth into my neck.

I think you should change it to


What had I done to deserve this? My arms thumped to the ground on either side of me. I had so much pain all over. “You’re time has come to an end, young girl.” She cackled an evil laugh. Her mouth came down on my neck and she kissed it once before she sunk her teeth into it.


Good job!!!

ok im going to go read the rest.


:wink: :wink: :wink:
When the power of love is greater than the love of power, there will be peace.
  





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Tue Jun 17, 2008 10:06 am
spaced_out says...



This was a very good piece.

Though in some places I went um.

This is bedcause of too much DISCRIPTION.

that will give you your downfall.

Also too much TALK.

But it was good anyway.

MATT
if you can dream YOU CAN DO IT!
  





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Sat Jun 28, 2008 1:37 am
Sela Locke says...



I have this strange feeling you copied me. Mostly because you did, but yeah. =D
Well, I can't eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them.

--Algernon, The Importance of Being Earnest
  





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Thu Dec 25, 2008 1:55 am
Writing for love is a pas says...



okay, wow. This is the best chapter so far!!
No where to run...baby let's hide. Take her in your arms on a chilling winter's night. Watch the stars twinkle and glisten. Know that you've found the one person that will listen. ~*(ME)*~
  





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Sat Dec 27, 2008 5:31 am
JordanEmert says...



Terrific!! but finally I found one thing messed up. Towards the beginning, you put a sentence but it trailed off down into a new paragraph, but other then that, like always, it was terrific!

Great Job and Keep Writing!
Well, yes mate. See, I’m dishonest. And a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly. It’s the honest ones you need to watch out for, because you never know when they’re going to do something incredibly..stupid.
Jack Sparrow<3
  








We think in generalities, but we live in details.
— Alfred North Whitehead