Young Writers Society

Woohoo! Chapter 2 is up!!! Critique please!

Chapter 2

Safe

I cautiously walked up to my front door, peeking in the window to make sure my father was asleep. The house was dark and quiet. I put my hand on the brass doorknob and twisted it silently. I prayed that the door would not squeak as I pushed it open.

I breathed a sigh of relief as the door opened without a screech. I waited for my eyes to adjust to the darkness of the room, and closed the door. When I turned around, I could see no one in any of the chairs.

As I walked up the stairs, I thought of my father replacing our old creaky ones, with brand new steps. I was glad at the moment for that. My footsteps were as quiet as a mouse when I passed by my father’s bedroom. My heart was racing with fear that he might be awake. But all I heard was light snoring behind the closed door.

I held my breath, as I stepped over to my room across from his, and slipped through the door. When I had stepped in, I quickly shut and locked it. I put my back against the frame and took a deep breath. I made it.
“Good morning, Isabella.” My father grumbled as he stepped into the kitchen. “G-good morning.” I replied stuttering over my words. I was afraid he knew about last night. But all he did was plop down in a chair and pull out his newspaper.

I had a very restless night. I kept awakening to noises that would seem silly, but they scared me half to death. Every time an owl would hoot, or trees would rustle outside my bedroom window, I jumped in bed. My dreams were tormented with my father catching me walking in at night, and would start to beat me like my mother was beaten.

I fixed my father a plate of eggs, bacon, and flap-jacks and sat down at the table with my own plate. My father began eating his food, but I barely touched mine. I was peeking at him, trying to decipher from his mood, if he was aware of last night.

“Eat, now. You’re as skinny as hell and I don’t want you wasting any food.” My father glared at me as I pushed an egg around. I nodded my head and took a bite. He got up out of his chair and grabbed his coat. “Stay in this house, or you will be sorry. If anyone tells me they’ve seen you, you’re going to get it.” My father hissed at me. I gulped and shook my head.
After he left, I began to calm down. He didn’t know about last night. I grabbed his plate, along with mine, and set it in the sink to soak. I had a lot of cleaning to do today, too much for one person to handle.

I set off to sweep the house. I had to get this clean by tonight or I would be hit. I ran through my head all the times I had not finished something and was beaten because of it. I was only a child back then and wasn’t strong enough to handle such big jobs. No child should be put through that.

My father wouldn’t let me go to college. I had learned to read and write from my mother and she had also taught me some math and science. She wanted me to go to a college badly, but it was unheard of for a woman to go. I so wanted to change that. I wanted to learn more. I wanted men to see that women are just as smart as them. I wanted them to treat us right and us all be equal, like it says in the Declaration of Independence. That’s what the father of our country meant in the line “All men are created equal.” Not just men, but women and African Americans. We should all be equal and it’s not fair that we are being treated like crap.

At tonight’s feminist meeting, a woman by the name of Susan B. Anthony was going to speak with us tonight. We were trying to for a group called The Daughter’s of Temperance. We were going to stand up for women and African Americans all over the United States of America.

A few hours later, I had finished cleaning the whole house. It was just in time too, because my father walked in not too long after. I was sitting in a chair fixing a blouse of mine to wear to the meeting. Of course he wouldn’t know that and would think I was just mending it on my spare time. He grumbled an hello and walked into the kitchen.

I was startled by a cry of rage. I jumped up quickly at dropped my sewing on the ground. Oh God, what had I forgotten?

My father barged into the room and stood in front of me. He was breathing hard and I could smell liquor on his breath. “You bitch! The floor was not mopped! How dare you forget that?!” He slapped me across the face. It stung and I grabbed my face. I know I hadn’t forgotten to mop the floor because I could see the water bucket in the corner, along with the mop.

When my father drinks, he goes and messes up the whole house and beats the tar out of me, screaming that I didn’t clean this or didn’t clean that. He makes a lot of stuff up because of the loss of brain cells after he drinks.
I shrunk away from him and waited for the next blow. I couldn’t wait till he passed out and I could go to the meeting. I would have a lot to talk about.

This piece you've written called "Safe" was really moving. The focus on abusive men with alcohol and their interactions with their family was captured quite well mindfully capturing each moment as something you would see portrayed on the news or taken from the victim(s). Overall it was really well-written as it envoked emotion within myself and keep it up, and although I really cannot stand sad stories without glimpses of hope, this particular story kept me reading on.

Best of Wishes,
-Elitehusky

Again, the emotion in this story overwhelm me. You do such a good job at it. It's like you turn a real-situtation and put it into another story and make it fit prefect like it belongs there in the first place.

Bella's father (excuse my language) is an asshole. He should be shot. I hope Edward saves her from him. She doesn't deserve to treated that way.

Wow....just....wow.....The emotions in here are so strong!
i found one mistake though.

I so wanted to change that.

Shouldont it be "So I wanted to change that"?
But I dont know. Cant wait for the next chapter.
love
-Tia-

yet another triumph, in my opinion. I loved the emotion and how intense the story got. You bring to light an important topic and you have written it so that people can relate to it without difficulty. Bravo. Really.

~Morgan~

Nice work! I love the way that you shortened the sentences with commas and full stops, gives the text a great illusion to the suspense. Also i liked the way you introduced the chapter, made me really inclined to see what happens

As I walked up the stairs, I thought of my father replacing our old creaky ones, with brand new steps. I was glad at the moment for that. My footsteps were as quiet as a mouse when I passed by my father’s bedroom. My heart was racing with fear that he might be awake. But all I heard was light
snoring behind the closed door.

You need to delete the enter after "light" in the last sentence. "...snoring...door...." needs to be on the same line as the rest of the paragraph.

I held my breath, as I stepped over to my room across from his, and slipped through the door. When I had stepped in, I quickly shut and locked it. I put my back against the frame and took a deep breath. I made it.
“Good morning, Isabella.” My father grumbled as he stepped into the kitchen. “G-good morning.” I replied stuttering over my words. I was afraid he knew about last night. But all he did was plop down in a chair and pull out his newspaper.

There should be a break between the paragraph containing "I made it" and the paragraph "Good morning, Isabella." When you have big spaces--drop offs, one might call it-- between time frames and such, you need a break.
Also, "G-good morning" needs to start another paragraph. When two people are speaking, they each have their own paragraph.
Also.... "I made it." Everything from that line and above, to the very beginning, can go in the first chapter. It gives that extra something to the first chapter. Consider that.

I had a very restless night. I kept awakening to noises that would seem silly, but they scared me half to death. Every time an owl would hoot, or trees would rustle outside my bedroom window, I jumped in bed. My dreams were tormented with my father catching me walking in at night, and would start to beat me like my mother was beaten.

"or the trees would rustle"
"I jumped in my bed" (it sounds as if she isn't in her bed if you don't add the "my")
"father walking in at night; and he would start to beat me like he beat my mother". I would try rewording it like that. Again, with the "my mother". Add a name. And a name for "my father", too. If we've read Twlight, we know that it's Charlie and Renee, but not everyone remembers. It makes it easier, with names.

My father began eating his food, but I barely touched mine. I was peeking at him, trying to decipher from his mood, if he was aware of last night.

"...trying to decipher from his mood if he was aware of last night." There's no need for the second comma.

“Eat, now. You’re as skinny as hell and I don’t want you wasting any food.” My father glared at me as I pushed an egg around. I nodded my head and took a bite. He got up out of his chair and grabbed his coat. “Stay in this house, or you will be sorry. If anyone tells me they’ve seen you, you’re going to get it.” My father hissed at me. I gulped and shook my head.
After he left, I began to calm down. He didn’t know about last night. I grabbed his plate, along with mine, and set it in the sink to soak. I had a lot of cleaning to do today, too much for one person to handle.

"I fanyone tells me they've seen you, you're going to get it," my father hissed at me. (you need a comma, not a period, at the end.
Also, "...After he left..." needs another enter before it to make it another paragraph; either that, or I would suggest that you indent your paragraphs to show that they are not attatched.
"...set them in the sink to soak."
you might consider a semicolon, instead of a comma

My father wouldn’t let me go to college. I had learned to read and write from my mother and she had also taught me some math and science. She wanted me to go to a college badly, but it was unheard of for a woman to go. I so wanted to change that. I wanted to learn more. I wanted men to see that women are just as smart as them. I wanted them to treat us right and us all be equal, like it says in the Declaration of Independence. That’s what the father of our country meant in the line “All men are created equal.” Not just men, but women and African Americans. We should all be equal and it’s not fair that we are being treated like crap.

Dustfinger is right about the "I so wanted to change that" sentence. It's right when spoken; the part of the English language called "slang". But it's not right when written. "I wanted so much to change that". That works.
"...treat us right and for us all to be equal..."
"...all men...." All doesn't need to be capitalized in this sentence.

At tonight’s feminist meeting, a woman by the name of Susan B. Anthony was going to speak with us tonight. We were trying to for a group called The Daughter’s of Temperance. We were going to stand up for women and African Americans all over the United States of America.

You mention "tonight" twice in the first sentence. Take out the second one.
In the second sentence... they were trying to do what, exactly?

A few hours later, I had finished cleaning the whole house. It was just in time too, because my father walked in not too long after. I was sitting in a chair fixing a blouse of mine to wear to the meeting. Of course he wouldn’t know that and would think I was just mending it on my spare time. He grumbled an hello and walked into the kitchen.

"He grumbled a hello and walked into the kitchen."

When my father drinks, he goes and messes up the whole house and beats the tar out of me, screaming that I didn’t clean this or didn’t clean that. He makes a lot of stuff up because of the loss of brain cells after he drinks.
I shrunk away from him and waited for the next blow. I couldn’t wait till he passed out and I could go to the meeting. I would have a lot to talk about.

Again, make that two paragraphs. Add the extra enter.

*~*

Again, this isn't...remarkably wonderful. No offense. I'm not an amazing writer, but I don't think this is quite amazing.

I'm sorry, again.

*~* Kiss*~*

oh my god. You are so talented. You had my heart racing and everything!!. Whoo! On to the next chapter!!

Chapter two was just as great as Chapter 1, if not better. I'm really trying to find mistakes but I can't, sorry I can't help you with that. Now with the positives, great again with the describing of the action, it's wonderful!!


Great Job.