Young Writers Society

Chapter 2

30 years later

“Aubrey! You have a letter,” my vampire housemate Katherine said.

“Alright!” I yelled back. I moved to rural New York. When I moved, I changed my name, not wanting to be associate with the war. I was going to night classes at a college close by. I chose my major to be drama, since that was my best class at the House of Night.

I went downstairs and picked up the letter. I looked at the address. Nefert I thought. I opened the letter and read it.

Zoey,

How are you? Good, I’m hoping. I need you to come back. I want to talk to you about something important. Enclosed, there is a plane ticket. Please give me a call when you decide.

Nefert

I pulled out the place ticket and looked at it. Katherine, who was looked over my shoulder as I pulled out the ticket, whistled.

“Someone loves you. Who was the letter from?” she asked.

“Someone from my past,” I answered. I put away the letter from her wandering eyes.

“Ah,” she said. That’s one thing I loved about Katherine. She never asked any questions about my past.

“You going to go?” she asked.

“Yeah,” I answered.

“Are you coming back?” she asked, quietly.

“I don’t know,” I answered quietly. “I better call the person.” I picked up the phone. I went to my room and closed the door. I dialed the number.

“Hello?” Nefert asked. Her voice hadn’t really changed. It still had that lifting quality.

“Zoey! I’m glad to hear from you,” she said with genuine happiness.

“Nefert, I don’t go by Zoey anymore…because of what happened,” I said quietly into the phone.

“I understand. I take it, you got my letter,” she said quietly.

“I did. I just opened it, actually. Can you tell me what this is about?” I asked as I sat down on my bed. I stared at my reflection in the mirror. I had changed so much; my hair is short because I had it cut. My bangs grew and now cover one side of my face. My tattoos stood out on my face, with the swirls and spirals. I didn't realize that Nefert had began speaking again.

“Sorry, I was lost in my thoughts. Could you said that again?” I asked, embarrassed.

She chuckled. “ I said I can’t tell you over the phone. It’s something I need to talk to you in person about,” she said.

“ Is it going to require me to move back?” I asked.

“ It might if you chose,” she said, mystically.

“Alright, I’ll come. For a day or two,” I said.

“When are you coming?” she asked.

“The day after tomorrow,” I said.

“Good, see you then,” said before she hung up the phone. I turned off the phone and sat in silence for a while. I sighed and left my room. I put away the phone and then went to find Katherine. She was outside on the porch. I sat down beside her.

“You are leaving,” she stated.

“For a day or two,” I said.

“What if you stay more than two days?” she asked as she turned to me.

“I honestly don’t know,” I said, rubbing my face with my hands.

“Can I come and visit you?” she asked.

“Of course,” I said, “ we are friends and you were there when I need someone the most.” We hugged then return to the inside of cozy little home.

30 years later

Maybe you should add: ... after '30 years later' to give an affect.

“Aubrey! You have a letter,” my vampire housemate Katherine said.

You should put a comma before Katherine and another after Katherine

“Alright!” I yelled back. I moved to rural New York. When I moved, I changed my name, not wanting to be associate with the war. I was going to night classes at a college close by. I chose my major to be drama, since that was my best class at the House of Night.

This paragraph kind of sounds all rough with almost every single sentence starting with 'I'. You can combine some of the sentences to smooth it out.

I went downstairs and picked up the letter. I looked at the address. Nefert I thought. I opened the letter and read it.

Same here, this is kind of rough.

“I don’t know,” I answered quietly. “I better call the person.” I picked up the phone. I went to my room and closed the door. I dialed the number.

This sounds like a grocery list! Maybe something like:
I picked up the phone and entered my room, closing the door behind me. Then, I dialed Nefert's number...something like that. But that is your choice. (my sentence does not sound that good anyways! )

“Hello?” Nefert asked. Her voice hadn’t really changed. It still had that lifting quality.

“Zoey! I’m glad to hear from you,” she said with genuine happiness.

How does Nefert know that it is Zoey? Zoey didn't say anything yet.

“ It might if you chose,” she said, mystically.

'chose' should be 'choose'

There are many places where you have much too short sentences. It makes your paragraph seem like a list. You should also think of how you start your sentences. Almost everyone one of them start with I. I know it is tempting since you are writing in first person.....

Other than that, it was quite interesting, I'm curious of what it to come next.

Paw