Chapter 14:
The enemies fired their guns relentlessly as everyone huddled behind an outcropping of rocks for cover. Caboose was behind another rock a few yards away. D turned to Simmons and said, “Okay Simmons, I need you to get up there, help Caboose shore up the defence, establish a suppressing fire and hold that position until further notice!”
“…I didn’t even know what half of that meant,” the man in maroon armour said.
“Just go over to Caboose’s rock and fire your gun a bunch!”
“That rock?” Simmons asked, pointing past the constant spray of bullets to where Caboose was hiding. “Yeah, I don’t think so.”
“We do not have time to discuss this!”
“Sure, no time for you to discuss it! You get to hang out here with Nancy-no-bullets here and the rest of this stupid squad shooting the breeze.” Simmons said, motioning toward Dufrain. Grif and Serge were too busy returning fire to notice the conversation. “Meanwhile I‘m out there running around eating a machinegun sandwich!”
“Simmons, we’re going to be giving you covering fire!”
“Covering fire?” Simmons asked. “Unless that means you’re going to build a huge bullet-proof wall between me and them I think you need to come up with a new plan, preferably one that involves me keeping the same quantity of blood that I already have right now.”
“No problem,” D said. “Oh, wait, does the blood have to be in your body?”
Just beside them Serge and Grif were firing away at the enemy. “Serge, I can’t feel my hands!” Grif said.
“Try lay’n off the trigger, dumbass,” Serge said.
D shook his head and sighed. “Alright, you, Doc, get over there and help Caboose.”
“My name isn’t Doc,” the man in purple armour said. “It’s Dufrain.”
“Yeah, I can’t pronounce that, so from now on your name is Doc.”
“I’m not really comfortable with that. I’m not a doctor, I'm a medic.”
“What’s the difference?” Simmons asked.
“Well, a doctor cures people. A medic just makes them more comfortable while they die.”
“Mental note, don’t ever get shot.”
“It’s settled then, your name is now Doc,” D said. “Now get over to Caboose and help him hold that position!”
“I don’t have a gun, I‘m a pacifist!”
“Well then just get over there and yell bang, bang, bang!”
“Uhhh… I don’t know, even that sound pretty aggressive.”
“Oh, come on!” Simmons said.
“Besides, I’m not supposed to get involved unless someone gets hurt.”
“Huh, I see…” D turned and shot at Caboose.
“Oww! My foot…”
“Well, looks like Caboose has hurt himself,” D said. “Maybe you should go over there and help him, Doc!”
“You know, you could have just asked nicely,” he said before making his way over to Caboose’s rock.
Simmons took this chance to check his ammo. “Oh, crap.”
“What?” D asked.
“I’m out.” He went over to Grif who was now sitting behind the rock and said, “Grif, give me some ammunition!”
“Me? I don’t have any extra, I’m down to one bullet!”
“Wha- how can that be? You’re the one who carries all the extra rounds into battle!”
“Wait, since when?”
“Since the last staff meeting!”
“We actually talked about stuff at those things?” Grif asked. “I just fall asleep inside my helmet!”
“Well, you missed your job assignment and now we have no ammo,” Simmons said.
“…What’s your job?” Grif asked.
“Me? I’m the social chairman.”
Serge ducked behind the rock and pulled an empty clip from his gun. “Grif, I’m empty. I need some clips.”
Simmons turned back to Grif and said, “Hey Grif, remember that one bullet you have left? I thought of a perfect way you could use it.”
Meanwhile, on the other side of the battlefield…
As the two black armoured soldiers fired their weapons Hank asked, “Hey, Axel, now that we’ve got them pinned down what’s our next course of action?”
“What? It was your idea to come over here and avenge Tex!”
“I know, but you’re always the one to come up with the plans.”
“I assumed you had a plan, considering it was your idea to come over here in the first place!”
“Well, I guess we’ll just have to keep firing until one of us comes up with a plan.”
Axel’s gun clicked empty. “Crap, I’m out. Hank, give me another clip.”
“Why are you asking me?” he said.
“Because you’re the one who’s supposed to bring the extra ammo onto the battlefield! Don’t you ever listen at the staff meetings?”
“We actually talk at those things?”
As the others were arguing about who’s job it was to bring the ammunition Doc was helping Caboose. “I’m here Caboose, where are you hit?”
“Ow! Ow! Ow! My foot! My foot!”
“Your left foot?” Doc asked.
“Uh, left, uh,” Caboose stopped panicking for a moment as he drifted off into his own little world. “Let’s see, that makes an L with your thumb…”
“…I’m just going to assume it’s the bleeding one,” Doc said.
“Yeah, the red one.” Caboose sat down so Doc could examine his foot. “I can’t believe D shot me!”
They could hear D in the distance as he yelled, “Oh, don’t even start, Caboose!”
As Doc looked at Caboose’s foot he asked, “Anything else?”
“Uh, w-what?”
“You have a bullet wound in your foot, is anything else wrong?”
“Uhh…" Caboose thought for a moment. “Oh, I got one! Um, sometimes when I fall asleep at night I think about my parents having sex and I get really, really mad for some reason.”
Doc stared at Caboose for the longest time before saying, “…Okay, I’m just going to start with the foot.”
The others were still hiding behind the rocks they were using for cover as Doc tended to Caboose’s bullet wound. Grif peeked over the top and said, “Why have the enemies stopped firing?”
“I don’t know,” D said. “Maybe they’re out of ammo.”
One of the two enemy soldiers peeked over the top of the rocks they were using for cover. “Hey, we’re giving you all a chance to surrender!” one of them shouted.
D turned back to the others and said, “Yeah, they’re definitely out of ammo.” D yelled back at the enemy. “What are your terms!?”
“Their what?” Grif asked.
“Our what?” Hank asked as he finally came out from behind the rocks with Axel.
“I can’t believe this is actually working,” Axel said. “What do you think we should demand first?”
Hank thought about that for a moment. “Hey, why don’t we take two of their guys?”
“What?”
“Think about it. There’s two of us, and six of them. If we get them give us some more guys it’ll even out the teams.”
“Hank… that’s probably the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard you say,” Axel said. “But, since I can’t think of anything better let’s go with that.” He turned back to the other team and yelled, “Send over two of your guys as hostages!”
“What!?” D yelled, “I don’t think so, pal! There’s no way we’re going to-”
“I say we let them take D,” Grif said.
“Wait, what?”
Simmons nodded. “Hey, that’s not a bad idea. It’s not like he’s useful or anything.”
“As hard as it is to believe, I agree with Grif,” Serge said.
“Well, where ever D goes, I go!” Caboose said. “Because we’re best buddies, and best buddies stick together, no matter what!”
“Yeah, let’s give them D,” Simmons said.
D turned back to Grif. “Why, Grif? Just… just… why?”
“What can I say, that teleporter stings like hell.” He turned toward Doc and asked, “How’s Caboose’s foot?”
“It’s doing pretty well. He seems very alert responsive.”
“He’s talking about Caboose, right?” Simmons asked.
“No, I mean his toe. How’s the toe D shot?”
“Oh, that thing? That fell off a while ago.”
“Rest in peace, pinky toe,” Caboose said. The next part he spoke in a scary voice. “You shall be avenged!”
“So, does that mean he’s good to walk?” Grif asked.
“Oh, sure. He’s fine.”
“Perfect. Hey Caboose, see those guys in black armour?” Grif asked, pointing at the enemies.
“Yes.”
“Why don’t you go over there and introduce yourself. They say they want to be your friend.”
“Oh, goody! New friends!”
“While you’re at it, take D with you,” Simmons said. “Maybe all four of you can have a tea party.”
“I love tea parties!” As Caboose made ran over to the enemies Serge yelled, “We’re send’n the hostages over now!” He turned to D and said, “Go on, D, go with Caboose and meet your new friends.”
“You know, they are out of ammo. We don’t have to do this.”
“You’re right,” Simmons said. “But we’re doing it anyway because we hate you.”
“Plus, Caboose is annoying,” Grif added.
“I’ll remember this,” D mumbled.
“Okay!” Serge yelled, “Before we send over the next hostage, what’r we going to get out of this!?”
“You!?” Hank yelled. “You’re surrendering! You don’t get anything except humiliation and ridicule!”
“We’ve already got that!” Simmons yelled. “What else do you have!?”
“What do you want!?” Axel asked.
“How about you admit that your team sucks!?” Grif said.
“Hmm…” Axel thought for a moment. “What if we admit that one of us sucks!?”
Two hours of negotiating later…
“Okay then,” Serge yelled, “we agree to the terms! You first, then we’ll send over the hostage!”
Axel shoved Hank in the back. “Get on with it, Hank.”
He sighed. “I would just like to let everyone know that I suck!”
“And!?” Serge yelled.
“And that I’m a girl!”
“What else!?”
“And I like ribbons in my hair! And I want to kiss all the boys!”
Serge turned to Simmons and said, “This may be the best surrender of all time.”
“Serge, we’re the ones surrendering,” Grif said.
“Shut yer yap hole or I’m gonna make you do what he just did!”
“Is that good enough!?” Axel asked.
“Yeah!” Serge turned to D and pushed him forward. “Go on.”
“I can’t believe you guys are actually doing this!” D said.
“Life’s a bi***, now get going!” Grif said.
D sighed and made his way over to his new team. When he arrived Hank said, “Man, I really hope you’re worth this.”
“Shut up, dips**t.”
“Okay, when are we going to have that tea party?” Caboose asked.
As the other team watched their comrade walk away Doc asked, “Can I just ask a quick question?”
“What?” Grif asked.
“Do they put something in the water here? You know, to make you all act like this?”
“Water? We ran out of water six months ago.”
“No water? Then what do you drink?” he asked.
“Uh, you know, ketchup, uh… soy sauce, gravy… the usual.”
“I only drink the blood of my enemies!” Serge declared. “…And occasionally a strawberry yoo-hoo…”
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