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Warriors Fanfic: Shrouded Sun Chapter 2



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Tue May 06, 2008 8:05 pm
cat4prowl says...



Chapter 2- Challenge

Sunpaw’s eyes widened as the BurnClan cats approached Red Bluff. The cliff-like rock formation was arranged in a crescent half-circle, facing them. The rocks were dusty red, supposedly stained by an ancient battle. Above her, the moon bathed the clearing with ghostly light.

On her right, Sunpaw could feel Brightpaw quivering with excitement. She glanced over at the other apprentices; they had all been here before, but even they were obviously excited.

Sunpaw flicked her tail and kept her eyes on the rocky ground in front of her. She was briefly glad she wasn’t born in RockClan, because it was hard to maneuver. The coarse sand scraped the pads of her feet, so strange after living in grass most of her life.

Thornstar paused as they approached the clearing, waiting for some of the cats to catch up. Sunpaw doubled her pace, determined not to be caught at the back. Brightpaw’s pelt brushed against hers, but she jerked away.

The BurnClan cats continued on, heads held high. Sunpaw knew they were considered the fiercest cats in the land, and she let it show in her eyes.

Then Sunpaw saw BreezeClan arriving. Their leader, Stormstar, gave Thornstar a curt nod as they approached the clearing. The cats of BreezeClan were known for their swiftness, Sunpaw knew that much, but she was surprised to see the way their lean bodies skimmed the ground. What an odd way to move, Sunpaw thought, cocking her head.

Thornstar and Stormstar signaled for their Clans to stop, and leaped onto a rock that jutted out of the small cliff.

“That’s Sharprock; the Clan leaders stand up there to address the Clans,” Marblepelt mewed quietly to Brightpaw.

Sunpaw wasn’t paying much attention, her eyes were fixed on the approaching StreamClan, who were leaping down the rocks by the waterfall. They didn’t seem to mind the water spraying their fur as they descended.

Rainstar made sure her Clan reached the bottom safely, and then joined Thornstar and Stormstar on Sharprock.

Sunpaw glanced around at the BreezeClan and StreamClan cats and then she padded over to Brightpaw, who was talking with a StreamClan apprentice.

Sunpaw dipped her head in greeting, but bristled when she noticed that the apprentice was staring at her hind leg.

“Who’s that?” the silvery apprentice mewed in Brightpaw’s ear, loud enough for Sunpaw to hear the shock in her voice.

“Oh that’s my sister, S-” she began, but Sunpaw cut her off.

“I’m Sunpaw,” she snapped, glaring at the apprentice.

“Sunpaw? How can you be an apprentice? You’ve only got three legs!”

“If you would like to find out how helpless I am, I’ll show you,” Sunpaw hissed, unsheathing her claws with fury.

“Sunpaw! This is a Gathering! You can’t fight!” Brightpaw mewed, a tone of panic clear in her voice.

“Lucky for you,” Sunpaw reluctantly sheathed her claws and stalked away before the apprentice could reply.

She wove in between the cats angrily, catching snippets of conversation.

“Whitestar’s always late! Leave it to RockClan to take their time…”

“When does it start?”

“Silverpelt is bright tonight!”

“StarClan may be angry, I wish RockClan would hurry up.”

“…A bunch of mouse-brains.”

As if summoned, the stout cats of RockClan descended the rocky Cliffside with quiet ease. Even the apprentices seemed to take their time! A short-legged white cat led them, Whitestar.

He joined the other leaders on Sharprock easily, earning an annoyed look from Thornstar. Sunpaw was sure she heard Stormstar mutter, “About time!”

“Welcome, cats of all Clans. Let the Gathering begin,” Whitestar yowled with assured authority, his head high in quiet pride. He looked at ease on the rock, addressing the impatient cats.

Thornstar, Rainstar, and Stormstar nodded simultaneously, the signal for Whitestar to begin.

Whitestar stepped forward, “RockClan is doing well, though prey was scarce for a small while. We have a new warrior, Stonetooth!”
A bulky, rough grey tom stood and nodded calmly. His Clanmates nudged him affectionately.

“We have noticed,” Whitestar continued, “that the Thunderpath near our border is being used by more monsters than usual. Has BurnClan noticed anything similar?”

The Thunderpath ran near the borders of both Clans, and Thornstar nodded, “Yes, but it has not created a problem for my Clan.”

He said it as a challenge but Whitestar simply flicked his tail, “Nor for mine. We should be wary though.”

Several cats nodded agreement, although some whispered annoyance. Whitestar stepped back, done.

Rainstar padded forward and meowed confidently, “The river is filled with fish and our kits and elders are eating well. The prey is running, but we hardly need it. Blueclaw had a healthy litter of kits just recently.”

She stepped down, and Sunpaw felt annoyed. She had heard how adaptive StreamClan was, but fishing! And the tone in the leader’s voice, arrogant as she talked about prey when other Clans may have needed it!

Thornstar stepped up confidently, “Our prey is running, but we are faster. Our warriors drove out a fox not long ago, towards the Thunderpath.”

Whitestar nodded slowly, “Our warriors found it, flattened by a monster.” Some cats laughed appreciatively.

“We have two new apprentices,” Thornstar went on, “Brightpaw and Sunpaw.”

Sunpaw immediately stood and then looked over at Brightpaw, who was sitting proudly. Her fur began to prickle as she felt the cat’s eyes linger on her. Whispers broke out like a rabbit from a bush; Sunpaw’s eyes narrowed, a hiss rising in her throat.

“A three-legged apprentice? BurnClan has become weak,” Rainstar meowed defiantly. Stormstar’s eyes gleamed.

“How will it fight?” Stormstar sneered.

“Come down here and I’ll show you!”
Last edited by cat4prowl on Wed May 07, 2008 11:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Wed May 07, 2008 8:41 pm
Stori says...



Again, a good job of making this feel like a Warriors book. I spotted a few typos but nothing major.

The course sand scraped the pads of her feet


Coarse is the right spelling.

Sunpaw wasn't paying much attention, her eyes were fixed on the approaching StreamClan.


Semicolon or two sentences.
"The one thing you can't trade for your heart's desire is your heart."
Miles Vorkosigan

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Mon May 12, 2008 11:30 pm
alicat159 says...



I can't believe how much this sounds like Erin Hunter's writing!

But, even Erin makes mistakes. These are just a couple of tips:

cat4prowl wrote: Several cats nodded agreement, although some whispered annoyance. Whitestar stepped back, done.


Is this supposed to be something like: "although some whispered in annoyance." or "although some whispered from annoyance." These might sound a little better, but if that's how it's supposed to be, then you've nailed it!

cat4prowl wrote:“Come down here and I’ll show you!”


This might confuse some readers of who's speaking. So maybe you should put something like: "Sunpaw glared at them, her eyes glittering." and then the quote.

Overall, I enjoyed reading this piece.


:wink:
Alicat159
  





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Sun Nov 30, 2008 9:57 pm
Sare Agama says...



The cliff-like rock formation was arranged in a crescent half-circle, facing them.

I think you should either take out crescent or half-circle. You should probably say The cliff-like rock formation was arranged in a crescent shape.
Your monthly Bible quote: "Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are decietful." Proverbs 27:6
  





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36 Reviews



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Sun Nov 30, 2008 9:57 pm
Sare Agama says...



The cliff-like rock formation was arranged in a crescent half-circle, facing them.

I think you should either take out crescent or half-circle. You should probably say The cliff-like rock formation was arranged in a crescent shape.

That's all I wanted to point out.





-ClimberSquirrel
Your monthly Bible quote: "Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are decietful." Proverbs 27:6
  








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