Young Writers Society

Chapter 1

In the mender’s wing, a young woman’s body lay motionless on the narrow bed. Her skin was as pale as the sheets that she lay in and her features strained with illness. A young man sat next to the bed, head in hands. He raised his head and looked at her, then shook it.

“Gods, Karigan. I’m so sorry,” he sobbed, “I wish I hadn’t pushed you away and thought you were a traitor.”

He took hold of her hand and held on to it as if for dear life.

King Zachary sat at his desk, lost in thought. He couldn’t lose Karigan. If he was the nation’s heart, then she was his. If he lost her, then the kingdom would lose him. Contract and Lords be damned.

Oh Westrion, don’t take her from me. Please, he thought. His companion, Captain Laren Mapstone, stood beside him and placed a hand on his shoulder. Zachary put his hand on top of hers to gain what ever comfort a long term friend could give him.

“She will be fine,” Laren said.

“You don’t know that for sure,” he said, brokenly. She tightened her grip on his shoulder. As she looked at him she felt the full guilt of the destroyed letters.

A knock at the door of the study disturbed the quiet moment. Willis opened the door to allow Lady Estora to enter. “My lord,” she said with a curtsy, “Any news on Karigan?” Laren looked at the young, beautiful woman and saw the worry, which was etched into her eyes.

“No, none yet, I’m afraid,” Zachary said as he stood. He approached his betrothed and asked, “My dear, why don’t we go for a walk? I feel the need for some fresh air and activity.” He held out his arm for her to take.

Estora had a frown on her face at the lack of information on Karigan’s health. She really didn’t want to go for a walk. She wanted to stay and help if anything happen to Karigan. But she really couldn’t turn down the King.

“Of course,” she said as she accepted his show of courtesy. The couple left the room, with Willis and Tala following closely behind them.

Laren watched the couple as they walked away, feeling her guilt rise again. She sighed and left the room. I caused him heartache, she thought, and I am losing one of my best Riders. Oh Westrion, don’t take her. I want to say so many things to Karigan. She left the castle grounds and return to the Rider’s barracks.

Hi there. I saw the words "Green Rider" and jumped on this.

"My lord," she said, "any news on Karigan?"

No need to capitalize "any."

Couldn't find any more glaring errors, but a bit of advice. Introduce the scene a little, instead of launching into the conversation. You know, a description of the place, a little background on the characters and events.

I liked it, good writing. I think I would explain what was happening in more detail. Maybe explain the sitouation more.

Scorpia wrote:I liked it, good writing. I think I would explain what was happening in more detail. Maybe explain the sitouation more.

if you read the next chapter, it's goes into a liitle more details on the situation.