Young Writers Society

*Hurray chapter 6 is here. I always try my best but school is hard and time comsuming. Also it makes everything stressful*

Chapter 6
Visitors

The first to visit Naruto was a girl. She entered the room filling it with a sad presense, almost depressing. She had short pink hair, with her headband tied behind her bangs. Her jacket was sleeve less and a bright pink. There was a white skirt under her top, and tight black pants under her skirt, going down to her knees. Her boots were the same color of her gloves- a pale red. She also had elbow bands the same color as her skirt on.

“Sheesh Naruto can’t go one mission with out getting hurt.” She scolded him.

Naruto blocked his face with his arms. Maybe he was in fear of getting hit.” Come on Sakura you know it wasn’t my fault.” Naruto whined.

Sakura looked down.” Naruto you have to keep control. If she hadn’t of come we’d be dead.”

Momo looked at Sakura. Things were getting interesting for Momo.” S-sakura please don’t cry.” Naruto said to her.

The pink haired girl walked towards the door.” Bye Naruto.” She whispered.

When she left the room the blonde ninja looked down. Is he crying?

“Hey, Naruto? Are you okay?” Momo asked.

A few seconds past but then Naruto looked at Momo. He had a smile on his face. "Yah I’m ok.”

Then Momo felt it- pity. She pitied him. It was strange for her. Usually others would be better off then she was, but Naruto. He was just as miserable as Momo was, maybe more.

“ So, by the looks of your headband, we’re in the leaf village?” Momo asked breaking the silence.


Naruto nodded.” Yah, its home sweet home.”

Momo looked out the window. She could see birds resting on the tree branches beyond the glass.” Momo? Where are you from?” Naruto wondered.

Home, haven’t been there in years. Just as she was about to answer another visitor entered the room.

“Hey Naruto. Glad to see you awake.” The visitor greeted.

This time it was a boy who entered the room. He had short spiky black hair, and a black headband across his forehead. His jacket had long black baggy sleeves, and long black baggy pants. The guy’s shoes were black as well. His eyes were black slits, and there were red triangles across his cheeks.

“Hey Kiba!” Naruto shouted back.

Momo watched. Kiba was now right next to Naruto.” So who’s your friend, Naruto?” He whispered.

Naruto blushed.” Kiba, this is Momo.”

Kiba walked to her bed.” I heard you were the one who saved Naruto. He always needs to be saved from battle.”

Naruto heard the last part.” Hey! Kiba I do not! I can defend myself, remember when I beat you?” The last part was more like a come back, meant to insult Kiba.

Kiba narrowed his eyes.” I can’t believe you’re still using that. It was a long time ago, and now I’ll probably kick your ass.”

“Probably.” Momo chuckled.

Naruto gasped.” Hey! Don’t gang up on me too Momo!”

Momo giggled, but stopped. Why am I laughing? I should be miserable. This is so dumb.

She looked away. Kiba and Naruto stared at her- confused.” Hey Kiba. Can you leave? I’m tired..” Momo asked.

Kiba nodded.” Sure. I’ll see you later Naruto.”

With that he left the room. However Naruto was not about to let Momo get away that easily.

“What’s your deal? Momo why are you acting this way?” Naruto questioned her.

Momo rested her head on the pillow. The smell of different medicines filled her nose.” This is the first time we’ve met, You shouldn't know how I should act like.” Momo said.

She sounded annoyed.” That might be true, but how did you get those stomach wounds? I bet that’s why you’re so cruel.” Naruto snapped back.

Momo shifted to look at him.” It’s none of your business. Now shut up, I want to sleep.”

Naruto snorted.” I won’t let you sleep till you tell me.”

He was starting to get to persistent. Naruto’s attitude got in the way of seeing the truth. Momo was suffering heart-ache. But she was also very tired. Momo’s anger got the better of her, he was annoying her.

“FINE! You want to know so bad! The most important person in my life, the one I live for tried to kill me! OKAY!” Momo screamed.

After that she pushed her head under the pillow, hiding the tears that were beginning to pour from her eyes. Naruto was speechless. Now that he knew the truth he felt terrible for how he had treated her.

“I understand.” He apologized.

The first to visit Naruto was a girl. She entered the room looking sad, almost depressed. She had short pink hair, with her headband tied behind her bangs. Her jacket was sleeve less and a bright pink. There was a white skirt under her top, and tight black pants under her skirt- going down to her knees. Her boots were the same color of her cloves- a pale red. She also had elbow bands the same color as her skirt on.

Cloves = Gloves.

Hyphen after skirt isn’t necessary, and you could use a comma after gloves instead of the hyphen.

This is the Shippuuden Sakura we’re talking about, right? I’m not quite sure yet if it’s necessary to describe her in such detail – since most people know what she looks like anyway.

“Sheesh Naruto can’t go one mission with out getting hurt.” She scolded him.

Naruto blocked his face with his arms. Maybe he was in fear of getting hit.” Come on Sakura you know it wasn’t my fault.” Naruto whined.

Sakura looked down.” Naruto you have to keep control. If she hadn’t of come we’d be dead.”

As far as I know, Sakura went on that mission too, right? So she’d know he’d gotten hurt. Besides, I don’t think Sakura would say it like that. It just doesn’t seem like her.

“with out” is supposed to be “without”

The “of” between hadn’t and come can be taken out completely, it has no relevance.

Momo looked at Sakura. Things were getting interesting for her.” Ssakura please don’t cry.” Naruto said to her.

The pink haired girl walked towards the door.” Bye Naruto.” She whispered.

When she left the room the blonde ninja looked down. Is he crying?

“Hey, Naruto? Are you ok?” Momo asked.

Please put a hyphen between the double S in Sakura’s name.

“Things were getting interesting for her.” For who? For Sakura? Or for Momo. I’d like to clear that up. Maybe you could phrase it like: “Things were starting to get interesting now.” Though this isn’t perfect either.

The ok in the last sentence should be “okay”.

A few seconds past but then Naruto looked at Momo. He had a smile on his face.” Yah I’m ok.”

Then Momo felt it- pity. She pitied him. It was strange for her. Usually others would be better off then she was, but Naruto. He was just as miserable as Momo was, maybe more.

“ So, by the looks of your headband. We’re in the leaf village?” Momo asked breaking the silence.

Past should be passed – for the exact same reason as last chapter. The hyphen after Then Momo felt it is better off being… this thingy “:” (What do you call this thing?)

Change the period after headband to a comma, it sounds better while reading.

Naruto blushed.” Kiba this is Momo.”

Comma after Kiba and before this.

Naruto heard the last part.” Hey! Kiba I do not! I can defend myself. Remember when I beat you?” The last part was more like a come back. Meant to insult Kiba.

Comma between myself and remember, and between back and meant.

Momo giggled. But she stopped. Why am I laughing? I should be miserable. This is so, dumb.

The first two sentences sound as if they could be connected to each other – the last sentence sounds rather choppy as a stand-alone. Maybe you could change it to, “Momo giggled, but when she realised what she was doing she abruptly stopped.” Or something like that, anyway.

Also, the comma after so isn’t necessary. Just say the sentence out loud to check – it sounds more natural without it.

She looked away. Kiba and Naruto stared at her- confused.” Hey Kiba. Can you leave I’m tired. I want to sleep.” Momo asked.

The hypen could be a comma.

Also, the dialogue tag isn’t completely right: she’s not asking a question in the last sentence. Maybe you could switch it around?

And with that he left the room. Naruto however was not about to let Momo get away that easily.

The ‘and’ at the beginning of the sentence isn’t necessary, OR, you could connect it to the previous sentence.

However is always placed at the beginning of the sentence, so it would be like: “However, Naruto wasn’t about to… (etc.)”

Momo rested her head on the pillow. The smell of different medicines filled her nose.” This is the first time we’ve met. You don’t know how I should act like.” Momo said.

The last sentence was a bit awkward to read. It could be changed to: “You don’t know what I act like,” or maybe, “You don’t know how I act.” It sounds a bit better.

She sounded annoyed.” That might be true, but how did you get those stomach wounds? I bet that’s why you’re so cruel.” Naruto snapped back.

Er, what? When was she cruel, again?

He was starting to get to persistent. Naruto’s attitude got in the way of seeing the truth. Momo was suffering an agony of the heart. But she was also very tired. Momo’s anger got the better of her; he was annoying her.

“Naruto’s attitude got in the way of seeing the truth.” Actually, it’s his persistence that helped him find out so much. Naruto’s willpower isn’t a bad thing, and he doesn’t (intentionally) want to hurt people. Maybe the way he does it annoys people, but that’s just his character. He wants to help people.

“agony of the heart” Er, a what? Maybe heart-ache would be a better description. I never heard of agony of the heart before – though it might exist without me knowing. Also, the period after that sentence can be replaced with a comma.

“FINE! You want to know so bad! The most important person in my life- the one I live for tried to kill me! OK!” Momo screamed.

Okay, change the hyphen after life out and replace it with a comma, and put a comma after for as well. The one I live for is a separate part of the sentence, that’s why.

Ok = okay.

Do you get the irony of this? Sasuke did the exact same thing to Naruto. Your character is selfish to think it only happened to her. Than again, that is human. So it’s a good character flaw.

After that she pushed her head under the pillowed- hiding the tears that were beginning to pour from her eyes. Naruto was speechless. Now that he knew the truth he felt terrible for how he had treated her.

It’s supposed to be pillow (the noun), not pillowed (a verb – does it even exist?).

Maybe you could also add that he knows how she feels, because the same thing happened to them. Perhaps he could say, “I understand,” instead of, “I’m sorry.” That’s up to you, though.

Overall… I liked the way you described Sakura and Kiba – though it wasn’t that necessary, and it shows that you can do descriptions. While you’re writing the scene, close your eyes and imagine you’re in that hospital room. How does it make you feel – how would it make you character feel? Use your five senses, you don’t have them for nothing.

Momo is finally getting some human characteristics, though I’m not sure I still understand. One moment, it’s like she’s all “I’m better than you”, the next, she’s caring. She has a short temper, too. I’d still be careful, though, because sometimes it looks as if your character, Momo, already knows everything, or at least tries to make it seem as if she knows better. Other characters have a voice, too, and Momo will not be right all the time. That’s what you should look out for in fanfiction.

One last thing: punctuation. I said it before, and I will say it again, watch your quotation marks and comma’s. Other than that, it’s quite good.

I fixed it up. That's Momo for you. A selfish brat who has a bad temper. You'll see more stuff later on about her anger, and selfish attitude. Also she is rash, which you know can kill people. Thanks I hope you enjoy chapter 7.

'Kay, Maki-Chan, I am here again to crit as I go;

She entered the room looking sad, almost depressed.

Hm...I think you should find a better word than "looking". Try finding alternate ways to describe things we see, hear, smell, taste, and touch. You should try to use more imagery to bring out vivid pictures of what you're trying to say.

She had short pink hair, with her headband tied behind her bangs. Her jacket was sleeve less and a bright pink. There was a white skirt under her top, and tight black pants under her skirt, going down to her knees. Her boots were the same color of her gloves- a pale red. She also had elbow bands the same color as her skirt on.

Wow..even though I know who you're talking about and how she looks...this just makes it sound super confusing!! INFO DUMP!! You should try to incorporate these elements into small details while the dialogue/explanation is going on. Giving a few sentences on how Sakura looks would be find so the reader can get the general idea, but explaining ti like this can even get a dedicated Naruto fan confused!!

“Sheesh Naruto can’t go one mission with out getting hurt.” She scolded him.

Correction: “Sheesh, Naruto can’t go one mission with out getting hurt,” she scolded him.

Naruto blocked his face with his arms. Maybe he was in fear of getting hit

Connect those two sentences to make it sound more fluid. I suggest reading your entire chapter out loud once you have finished writing. This way you can catch some typos and fluency problems.

.” Come on Sakura you know it wasn’t my fault.” Naruto whined.

-_- Okay, I'm not going to correct every single dialogue tag you messed up for you...but you need to work on this!

Corrected: ”Come on, Sakura, you know it wasn’t my fault!” Naruto whined.

Adding an exclamation point makes it seem more dramatic and...Naruto-like. XD

S-sakura please don’t cry.” Naruto said to her.

COMMA instead of PERIOD!!! You need to explain how Sakura was on the verge of tears or something. I couldn't tell that she was getting emotional...until Naruto said that. You need to explain what's going using the emotional on the character's faces as well!

.” Bye Naruto.” She whispered.

This sounds too dramatic! It sounds like she's saying bye to him forever or something! Maybe, "See you later, Naruto." Or something...

Corrected: ”Bye, Naruto,” she whispered.

"Yah I’m ok.”

...I think you meant "Yeah..."

Then Momo felt it- pity.

First of all, I don't agree with how you said this sentence at all....but I guess it could work. And instead of a hyphen here, use a colon. "Then Momo felt it: Pity."

Usually others would be better off then she was, but Naruto.

Corrected: "Usually others would be better off then she was but Naruto..."
This is where you can use elipcese.

He was just as miserable as Momo was, maybe more.

Hm...this seems like a funny thing to think. Naruto was a miserable brat at the series start. Now he's not that sad...and he doesn't show his sadness about the Kyuubi at all...and if he was sad about Sasuke...at this point, I would say more 'determined' or something. You can try to hint at Momo feeling like Naruto was hiding a terrible burden...something like that. Since Momo is coming into the Naruto storyline from an outside point of view, not knowing what happened and everything, you can have that work to your advantage to help explain it from her point of view!

“ So, by the looks of your headband, we’re in the leaf village?” Momo asked breaking the silence.

Leaf Village should be capitalized. And she just now noticed??what about Tsunade-sama? She's little slow on the up-take...

Naruto nodded.” Yah, its home sweet home.”

"Yeah," you mean...

Just as she was about to answer, another visitor entered the room.

You need to work on your comma usage. I added it in there for you. ^^

“Hey Naruto. Glad to see you awake.” The visitor greeted.

-_-
Correction: “Hey Naruto. Glad to see you awake,” the visitor greeted.

He had short spiky black hair, and a black headband across his forehead. His jacket had long black baggy sleeves, and long black baggy pants. The guy’s shoes were black as well. His eyes were black slits, and there were red triangles across his cheeks.

Same thing here as with up there with Sakura...

Momo watched. Kiba was now right next to Naruto.

This sounds like an outline for storyboard!!! How about describing that Kiba walked over to Naruto and describing that Momo just watched, hm?

So who’s your friend, Naruto?” He whispered.

COMMA, QUOTATION MARK, LOWER CASE 'HE'.

He always needs to be saved from battle.”

How 'bout 'in' battle?

.” Hey! Kiba, I do not! I can defend myself, remember when I beat you?” The last part was more like a come back, meant to insult Kiba.

I added that comma for you in the beginning. Of course it was a comeback!!!! You don't need to bother the reader with virtually useless info!!

“Probably.” Momo chuckled.

Correction: “Probably,” Momo giggled.
Giggling sounds better for this situation..

Naruto gasped.” Hey! Don’t gang up on me too, Momo!”

I added the comma...

Momo giggled, but stopped.

Correction: "Momo stopped giggling."

Kiba and Naruto stared at her- confused.” Hey Kiba. Can you leave? I’m tired..” Momo asked.

You need a comma there instead of a hyphen to make it correct. And that is such a rude thing to say! Especially to a person she just met!! You could think of a way to make Momo hint at her wanting Kiba to leave...

With that, he left the room. However, Naruto was not about to let Momo get away that easily.

I added in more commas for you...

.” This is the first time we’ve met, You shouldn't know how I should act like.” Momo said.

Correction: ”This is the first time we’ve met. You shouldn't know how I should act like,” Momo said.

.” That might be true, but how did you get those stomach wounds? I bet that’s why you’re so cruel.” Naruto snapped back.

That last part of the quote makes absolutely no sense at all!

Naruto snorted.” I won’t let you sleep till you tell me.”

If you're using slang or shortened words you need a comma before it...like 'till.

Momo was suffering heart-ache.

Shouldn't it be "suffering from a heartache"??

“FINE! You want to know so bad! The most important person in my life, the one I live for tried to kill me! OKAY!” Momo screamed.

Instead of caps...maybe it should just be bolded or italicized...i'm not really sure what the rules are for that...

“I understand.” He apologized.

COMMA, QUOTATION MARK, LOWER CASE 'HE'!

_______________________________________________________________________

Overall, I don't really see where you're going with this. It's already the sixth 'chapter' and I don't care about Momo or any of your other characters. The key is to make the reader feel for you character and get into them. Your characters are really flat, although you can use the emotions of 'grief', 'sadness', 'joy', etc to sort of describe your characters, you need to develop that more into making me FEEL for your character. Be in the characters shoes, that sort of thing. You should use more complex emotions, imagery, and DESCRIBE the settings and senses around the characters!

As for the plot, it seems really dry. Although I think you are doing an okay job of slowly explaining your characters past and trying to carve Momo's journey/the storyline...I'm sure you can develop the plot more!!

Happy writing!
~Psychic Shinigami