Young Writers Society

*Sorry It took a while. I had much to do.*

Chapter 5
Inner Demons


“You stupid ugly child! Why didn’t you listen to me? I love you, and I only want what’s best for you! If you’ll behave like a bad girl, no more like a monster. I’ll take your life myself!” Momo’s mother yelled at her as she struck and hit her.

Two years had passed since Momo first met Kai and they went to the Grass village ninja academy. But after the second year Momo’s mother discovered and was going to end it.

“M-mommy please stop, Mommy!” Momo desparetly pleaded.

Momo’s mother pushed her to the ground. She grabbed a knife from the ground. Rivers of tears poured down her cheeks. "I’m going to end this,” she murmured.

“Leave her alone!” Kai yelled.

He ran in front of Momo, ready to protect his friend. The woman before him started to laugh.” I see the demon had bewitched you. It doesn't matter, I shall take you out of your misery. “

“No! Don’t hurt Kai!” Momo pleaded.

Her eyes widened. Everything was slowing down. "So, do you want to save him?” A voice asked.

Momo looked around. The voice came from nowhere. There was no time to think. It was either yes or no.

“Save Kai!” Momo screamed.

After that everything went black.




Momo awakened with a start. She quickly sat up in the bed she was in. It had clean white sheets, a hospital bed. She saw the white painted walls and smelt disinfectint. Where am I?

Momo flinched as the pain in her stomach returned. She quickly clentched her stomach.

“You shouldn’t move around.” A male voice told her.

Momo looked over to see the boy from before. He was lying in another hospital bed next to her. She stared at him.

“Who are you?” She asked.

He smiled.” I’m Naruto Uzumaki.”

Momo nodded.” I’m Momo.”

She lied back down on the bed, trying to relax.” Thanks, for saving me Momo.” Naruto told her.

She closed her eyes.” It wasn’t really my decision, it was instinct. Besides you should know better than letting him take control. You could have not only killed those around you but also hurt yourself!” Momo scolded.

She was still filled with rage. Now she was placing all her anger on Naruto.

Naruto gave a confused looked,” What?”

“We are very similar Naruto, but I still know better than to not give in...” Momo added.

He was about to ask why, but then a lady walked in. "I’m glad to see you both awake.”

Naruto remained silent. Momo wondered if Naruto still wondered what he meant. She already relized how dense he was.

“Hey Granny Tsunade, why do I have to share a room with her?” Naruto began to react to being yelled at.

The Hokage sighed. "There have been a lot of injuries and most of the rooms are packed. You should be grateful that you only have one other person to share with. Now the real reason I am here is to give a blood test. I need to make sure none of you have any infections.” Tsunade added.


Momo opened her eyes, and suddenly sat up. "What?” She asked in a nervous tone.

The Hokage had two needles. One of them was already stuck into Naruto’s arm taking his blood.
Naruto laughed. "You’re afraid of needles aren’t you?”

She looked away. A trickle of sweat dripped down her face. Momo's heart began to beat faster and faster. It became hard for her to breath. Momo had an irrational fear of needles, unexsplainable. Tsuade grabbed Momo's arm and gentally poked the needle into her arm. Her throat closed.

"Breath," The hokage comanded.

Momo obyed. After she finished releasing her breath Tsuade removed the needle.

“OW!” Momo yelled.

The Hokage sighed. "I’m done so relax.”

Momo grunted as Naruto laughed at her.

Hours passed as Momo relaxed and Naruto never stopped talking.

“Hey, Momo. After we’re out of here, how about I treat you to some ramen? It’s the least I could do.” Naruto offered.

Momo sighed.” I guess.”[i]

a gr8 story, keepup the good work..

thanks ^_^

Two years had past since Momo first met Kai and they went to the Grass village academy. But after the 2nd year Momo’s mother discovered and was going to end it.

You could use “passed” here, instead of “past”. The former is a verb in past tense, the latter is a noun.

Instead of 2nd, use second. It’s neater to write out the entire number, and I believe you should do so with every number up to twenty (at least that’s what I’ve been taught).

Another suggestion is to put a comma between academy and but.
Also, instead of “was going to end it” (passive), “Momo’s mother decided to end it.” Of course you can use “was” once in a while, but if you notice it popping up in your work too much maybe you could look if you could use some stronger verbs in those places.

“Mmmoommy! Please stop!” Momo begged.

If she’s stuttering, you could use hyphens in-between the letters, like “M-mommy,” for example. If that’s not what you wanted to say with this… Well, you could just use “Mommy” instead and have her repeat that, with things like “Please don’t do it!” in-between, perhaps. It would show how desperate she really is, instead of just using “she begged”.

Momo’s mother pushed her to the ground and in her hand was a knife. Rivers of tears poured down her cheeks.” I’m going to end this.” She moaned.

Your quotation marks are a bit off in this paragraph.

I can’t imagine how in the world she would ‘moan’ a sentence like that. Moan, to me, means more something like a sound you make while being in ecstasy. Or serious pain – maybe even both.

He ran in front of Momo- ready to protect his friend. The woman before him started to laugh.” I see the demon had bewitched you. No matter I shall take you out of your misery. “

You quotation marks are off again.

Use a comma instead of a hyphen after Momo, and before ready.
Maybe you could use instead of “No matter”, “It won’t matter,” or perhaps, “It doesn’t matter”, and use a comma afterwards. It flows a bit more with the text.

Her eyes where wide opened. Everything was slowing down.” So, do you want to save him?” A voice asked.

Again, quotation marks.

You use where in the first sentence, but I’m quite sure that’s not what you mean. “Where” is used to indicate where () your character is at the moment. You’re using it as a verb. Take out the H, and it becomes were, the plural past form of to be. (Sorry if this sounded weird, but I can’t remember the English terms for those.)

And I think you mean “Her eyes widened” here. Which would take out the “were” completely.

A hospital in the Leaf Village

You don’t have to mention where they are right now. I’m sure we can find that out while reading the scene – and if that’s too confusing, add some details that generally gives people the feeling they’re in a hospital. White walls, the smell. Heck, include a heart monitor, if you want to. (Or, more important: if it’s necessary.)

Momo awakened with a startle. She quickly sat up in the bed she was in. It was a hospital bed. Where am I?

Hospital bed. Why? What makes it different from a normal bed? Perhaps you could use the tips I described above instead and describe the surrounding which will make her realize she’s in a hospital.

Then Momo flinched as the pain in her stomach returned. She quickly grabbed her stomach.

Take out the “then”, it’s not necessary. Also, “she quickly grabbed her stomach” doesn’t really appeal to me as a reader. Grab gives the feel of picking something up. You could use a different word instead.

Momo looked over to see the boy from before. He was lying in another hospital bed next to her’s. She stared at him.

The “’s” after her isn’t necessary, just use an s instead. Why? ‘s basically mean her. It indicates a possessive pronoun. For example, if you say Momo’s bed, what they really mean is, Momo her bed. If you put that next to Next to her’s, you’re basically saying Next to her her, and I’m sure you don’t want that.

/He smiled.” I’m Naruto Uzumaki.”

You forgot to take a dash out here.

She lied back down on the bed- trying to relax.” thanks. For saving me Momo.” Naruto thanked.

Comma between bed and trying instead of a hyphen.

A period isn’t necessary after thanks, just take it out.

Also, you’re repeating yourself in that sentence: first off, Naruto thanks her in the dialogue. Than, you mention again he thanks her in the dialogue tag. Once is enough, you could replace thanked with said.

She closed her eyes.” It wasn’t really my decision- it was instinct. Besides you should know better than letting your inner demon take control. You could have not only killed those around you but also hurt yourself!” Momo scolded.

Comma between decision and it, instead of hyphen.

“We are very similar Naruto, but I still know better then to not give in..” Momo added.

Then should be than. Then is related to time, if something already happened, and than has to do with “cause-effect”. At least, that’s what I think it means. I’ve never been properly taught this rule, but I always get it right, oddly enough. (The only reason I can actually keep them separated is because I translate the sentences in Dutch and look which one fits in better – so I can’t really tell you how it works my way, because I doubt you understand Dutch.)

At the end of the sentence, you use two periods. If you want the sentences to end as if your character sounds as if they’re trailing of, or there’s a ‘silence’ after they talk, use three instead. Imprint it in your mind: THREE.

Naruto remained silent. He was still wondering about what Momo had said before. While Momo just remained lying on the bed with her eyes closed.

You can use a comma between before and while instead of a period. If you don’t want to, take out the while instead.

“Now the real reason I am here is to give a blood test. I need to make sure none of you have any infections.” Tsunade added.

You can paste this paragraph to the previous one, unless you really think this sentence needs a new paragraph. Then you could take out the quotation marks at the beginning instead. (Correct me if I’m wrong, sometimes I’m still confused about this language and its rules.)

Momo opened her eyes, and suddenly sat up.” What?” She asked in a nervous tone.

When did she close her eyes? Or did I miss that? Also, didn’t she already sit up before when noticing where she was, or did she lie down again?

The Hokage had two needles. One of them was already poked into Naruto’s arm taking his blood.
Naruto laughed.” You’re afraid of needles aren’t you?”

Poked doesn’t seem to be appropriate here. I have no idea what else to put there, though.

“Hey, Momo. After we’re out of here, how about I treat you to some ramen. It’s the least I could do.” Naruto asked.

Momo sighed.” I guess.”

You use a lot of enters in the last few paragraphs. Look at them to see if there’s anything you can change about them to change their lengths. Describe what Momo feels about Tsunade taking blood from her with a needle, why is she afraid of them – is it even a rational fear in the first place? (Because I honestly can’t imagine a shinobi who puts his life on the line almost every day and is afraid of needles at the same time. Though, Tsunade is scared of blood and a medic at the same time.)

Overall, I liked this chapter, especially the beginning. I like to know about her past, who this being inside of her is. However, I didn’t like how she acted around Naruto: she has no idea what he’s like and yet she’s still scolding him as if she’s his mother. You need to give her more reason for her actions.

Your major problems are your quotation marks, using hyphens or periods instead of commas, and lack of description. If you improve those three, you’ve got a lot of problems fixed already. Just focus on your character, what her goals in this story are, how she can reach them – and, the most important, how you can bring obstacles in her way to stop her from reaching that goal.

*Alright its fixed. now the reason for Momo's actions. She is well reasponsable and kind of a motherly figure. Kinda like me ^_^ sigh..... She's also just really angry right now. For Kai's betrayl. Or so you think... buhahahah!*

Hey.

I guess I'll read on....

So if you’ll behave like a bad girl- more like a monster. I’ll take your life myself!”

Somehow you need to connect these sentences. I get what you wanna say, but it sounds misleading. You should take out the 'so'....and put a comma instead of a hyphen and then another comma instead of the period. Or something like that. It's confusing.

Two years had passed since Momo first met Kai and they went to the Grass village academy.

Here: Two years had passed since Momo first met Kai, and they went to the Grass Village [Ninja] Academy.
I put 'ninja' in there because you might/might not want it there...

Momo’s mother pushed her to the ground and in her hand was a knife.

Maybe you should be more indirect about her mother holding the knife...like ending that sentence at ground and a starting a new sentence about the knife. *shrugs* Just a thought.

"I’m going to end this.” She murmured.

Fix-ed: "I’m going to end this,” she murmured.

He ran in front of Momo; ready to protect his friend.

You don't use a semicolon here since they are not two independent clauses. Use a comma instead.

Momo awakened with a startle.

In cases such as these, we would use 'awakened with a start'.

[In the next few sentences you have a whole bunch of quotes at the beginnings of your sentences that are facing the wrong direction. XP]

She lied back down on the bed, trying to relax.” Thanks, for saving me Momo,” Naruto brought up.

Um... for one, I wouldn't use 'brought up'. It doesn't fit here at all.

Naruto gave a confused looked.” What?”

All you description here is too dry!!!! You need to make your characters come ALIVE!!!

Grammar corrections: Naruto gave a confused looked, "What?"

He was about to ask why, but then Lady Tsunade walked in.” I’m glad to see you both awake.”

Ha! Almost all your quotes in the beginnings of your sentences are facing the wrong direction. XP

And if this is from Momo's point of view...she wouldn't recognize (at all or just at first) who Tsunade-sama is. Explain Tsunade-sama (her appearance) as she walks in.

Naruto remained silent. He was still wondering about what Momo had said before, while Momo just remained lying on the bed with her eyes closed

.

Okay, here you just switched between the points of view. I know this is in first person, but if you start of a section from Momo's point of view...then you can't switch go into Naruto's thoughts.

“Hey old lady Tsunade, why do I have to share a room with her?” Naruto began to react to being yelled at.

Naruto calls Tsunade "Grandma Tsunade".

Her throut closed.

First off, if the needle is already in her, then she would be looking away or squeezing her eyes shut or something. And you spelled throat wrong.

"Breath." The hokage comanded.

Dialogue correction: "Breath, " the hokage comanded.

“Hey, Momo. After we’re out of here, how about I treat you to some ramen. It’s the least I could do.” Naruto asked.

First you need a question mark after the second sentence. And instead of asked, which sound pretty bad in this case, you should use 'offered'.

_______________________________________________________________________

Okay, this is getting a little better. I am seeing into Momo's character a little more--like her likes and dislikes--among other things.^_^

You just need a little work on description, grammar, and dialogue tagging. And maybe you should flesh out your story more. I hope you know where you're going with this. XP

~Psychic Shinigami

i'll fix it up. Of course I know where I am going with this! death. oops.





About the needle thing. I have an irrational fear of needles, and strangly when I get poked my throat closes and I can't breath. It wierd.