Young Writers Society

Chapter 5


“My god, doesn’t that thing ever run out of bullets?” Axel asked. The jeep was still firing at the rock they were using for cover.

“You know, in hindsight we should have brought the tank.”

“Hey, Hank, what good is a tank going to do us if no one here knows how to drive it?”

“Yeah, I can see how hiding behind a rock is a much better strategy.”

“Well, yeah but…” Axel sighed. “Oh, man. I guess I have to give that one to you.”


Meanwhile, on the other side of the rock…

Grif turned to his comrade on the turret. “Simmons!” Simmons didn’t answer. He tried again. “SIMMONS!!!” Simmons stopped shooting and got out of the jeep. “Man, that thing is loud!”

“WHAT!?”

“Come on, let’s sneak around the back of the rock and get them out,” Grif said.

“OKAY!”

“Keep it down, Jesus! Let’s go, before they figure out what’s going on.”


Axel looked around the rock to check on the enemies. He turned to Hank and whispered, “Hey, they’ve stopped firing.”

“Why are you whispering?”

“Umm… I don’t know.”

Hank looked around the rock, too. “Look’s like they’re gone. Hey, we can use this to our advantage! Axel, go back to our post and get the tank.” He turned around to see the tank sitting right behind them. “Wow, Axel, that was fast.”

“I’m not the one in the tank, idiot.”

Hank looked to his right to see Axel still standing beside him. He turned back to the tank and asked, “Wait, if you’re here, then who’s in the… ah crap…”


“Ah, crap. I don’t think we’ll be able to get around this way,” Grif said.

“Tell me again, why did we get out of the jeep?” Simmons asked.

“Well, I guess it was either this or watch you shoot rocks all day long.”

“Well at least that was fun.”


“Why is it just sitting there?” Axel asked.

“It’s just trying to mess with our heads,” hank said.


Meanwhile, inside the tank…

“This tank is equipped with an auto-fire sequence that can be activated by pressing the auto-fire button.”

“Auto-fire, auto-fire, here it is! No, wait, okay that’s more than pushing a button.”


“Okay, here’s the plan,” Hank said. “On three, we run to the jeep and drive back to base as fast as we can. Hopefully we can outrun the tank before it shoots us. One…”

“Wait,” Axel said. “On three, or three and then go?”

“On three, it’s always faster to go on three,” Hank said.

“Okay, okay, on three.”


“Here it is!”

“Tutorial program deactivated, auto-fire sequence activated.”

“Ready?”

“Acquiring target.”

“One…” As Hank began to count Axel turned and started running to the jeep for dear life.

Caboose watched on the computer screen as the tank’s crosshairs moved toward the enemy that was running away. “Target acquired.”

“Two…”

“Target locked.”

“Three!” Hank turned around to see Axel running toward the jeep. “Oh, you backstabbing c**kbite!”

“Firing main cannon.” The tank shot at Axel, missing him and blowing up the jeep.

Hank: “Son of a b*tch!”
Axel: “Son of a b*tch!”

D was watching everything from behind a rock on the edge of a low cliff. He shook his head. “Lopez is going to be so pissed.”

The tank chased the two black guys down the field, saying “Firing main cannon.” every time it shot. The two black armoured soldiers kept shouting obscenities as they narrowly dodged each blast, while at the same time running for their lives.

Once they found another rock to hide behind, Hank turned to Axel and said, “Hey, I’ve got a great idea, let’s leave the tank behind while we shoot at that silver guy. Great plan, you idiot!”

When the enemies didn’t show up on the tank’s targeting screen it said, “All targets eliminated. Acquiring new target.”


D looked over the rock he was hiding behind to see if he could get a better look at the situation. He recognized the guy in the tank from his blue armour. “Hey, it’s Caboose!” He yelled, “HEY, ROOKIE! GOOD JOB, MAN!”

“New target acquired.”

Caboose started to panic. “That’s not a target, that’s D!”

“YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT! IT’S ME, D! WHAT‘S GOING ON, MAN!?”

“Target locked.”

“What? No! Target unlock! UNLOCK! Please help me, nice lady!”

“Firing main cannon.”

“Wait, what? Oh, son of a-” D didn’t even get to finish his sentence before the tank shot him.

Grif and Simmons had seen what happened. “Holy f*ck!” Simmons said. “You think he’s okay?”

“You shot D, you team-killing f*cktard!” Grif yelled.

I quite like this as a piece of dialogue. However...

The 'Meanwhile...' bits are kind of cheesy, like a film with a really bad narrator, like George of the Jungle. You might want to find another way to switch perspective.

And watch out for repetitions, particularly of repeating 'yeah', 'okay', 'well' and 'hey' close together.

Wait...it was supposed to be funny? Only just noticed it was in Fanfiction and says comedy...

Is there supposed to be cheesy narration? Still don't like it anyway...

Hey again! I think you need to expand parts of this. Like at the beginning, where you have Hank and Axel discussing how they don't know how to drive the tank? Maybe just add another line or two of them complaining about the length of the instructions? And I think you need to seperate Hank and Axel's personalities more. They're still both pretty similar.

I liked the exploding of the Jeep though I think you need to add some description for that and other parts. Oh and why do they suddenly have a jeep? In one of the previous sections weren't they planning on finding out if the other side had one so they could steal it? You gave the impression that they only had a tank...

And I think when you mention that no one 'here' can drive the tank, you need to maybe just hint that there is someone who can or how did it get there? Maybe one can say something like 'If only (insert name) wasn't at the (insert place)' just to tie up a loose end.

Your dialogue is good. I think you need to be clearer about the entent to which D is injured but I enjoyed the part where he got shot and generally it was well written and interesting.

Actually, the jeep in this chapter is the same one that Serge and Grif were arguing about a name for in the first chapter. I guess I have to be a little more clear on that.