Young Writers Society

Chapter 2.
still breathing





As Momo fell, the wind caused her to close her eyes. Shit…SHIT!


Momo began to form hand signs. Praying in the back of her mind that it would work. False Dragon’s wings jutsu!

Chakra began to glow a blue light dimly around her shoulder blades. Then two large dragon wings ripped through her shirt. The jutsu had worked, but who knew how long Momo could keep it up. Come on at least until I’m directly above the river.

Momo grunted as she began to sweat from forcing chakra out and into the wings. She held her hand sign for as long as she could. Her stomach wound stung and burned with pain and blood was pouring out of it. Eventually she released the hand sign and grabbed her stomach. Instantly the wings vanished and once again the sixteen year-old girl started to plummet down back to earth. With merely dumb luck, Momo had used the jutsu long enough to fall into the river.

The river however was not a calm one, but rather a raging river- yet another way for her to die. Momo sunk int the river, but quickly swam to the surface. She gasped for air- swallowing a mouth full of the cold water. Rapidly moving her arms and legs she swam towards the bank in a diagonal direction- this helped reduce the amount of work she needed to do.

Soon with much effort Momo had beached. Clawing her way off the sandy shore she soon touched the long grass. After this she turned and lied on her back. Momo panted and felt totally exhausted. Even after she was away from the danger there was no hope for her.

I guess I should just let myself bleed to death. I mean life isn’t worth living anymore! Not after the one person I cared for most betrayed me. Perhaps even God has abandoned me. That would explain why this is happening.

Momo sniffle and wipe her eyes. In the end I never really escaped my early death. I wish that the doctors just gave up trying to get me to breath- that my mother had just tossed me into the river as a baby. But no, I survived all of that just to die her. With no reason for living at all!

She stopped to gaze at the nighttime moon. It was full, and on a cloudless night. It’s beautiful. Momo realized she had never really looked at the moon, even though she had seen it many times before. This time felt like it was actually the first. Unbeknownst to Momo she drifted into a light sleep- filling her head with dreams, or more like the memories of the past.



*Well how was that, I hope it was better the first time then the last chapter ^_^*
[i]


*Note: Even thouhg she is dying. Momo is both to weak and lost all hope to care enough to save herself from bleeding to death. But she didn't want to die from either drowning or falling.*

Not too shabby. I enjoyed it for the most part. Anyways, here we go.

"The jutsu had worked, but who knew how long Momo could keep it up. Come on at least until I’m directly above the river."
- Is she talking to herself in the last sentence? Italicize that.

"Rapidly moving her arms and legs she motioned towards the bank in a diagonal direction- this helped reduce the amount of work she needed to do."
- She's struggling right here, so "motioned" is a bad word to put right there. Say something along the lines of struggled or even swam.

"After this she turned and lied onto her back."
- Lying onto one's back is a tough job. Change "onto" to simply "on".

"Unknowing to Momo she drifted into a light sleep- filling her head with dreams, or more like the memories of the past."
- Here is the worst sentence of this story. Change "Unknowing" to "Unbeknownst" (an awkward word for sure) or change it a lot to something like "Mom hardly realized that she had drifted into a light sleep...".

Other than these the story was excellent.

~Corvin Vandra

I liked this, overall. By focussing on this character right now, and the action she's in, you do manage to draw the reader in. I don't usually read stories with OC's in them, but I did like this. Even though the characters never appear in the series, you do make them seem real. By describing how real being a ninja is. Anyway, here goes.

Maki-Chan wrote:As Momo fell the wind caused her to close her eyes. Shit…SHIT!

You might want to use a comma between ''fell'' and ''the''.

Maki-Chan wrote:Momo began to form hand signs. Praying in the back of her mind that it would work. False Dragon’s wings jutsu!

False Dragon’s wings jutsu! I think you should stick with either English or Japanese. ''Jutsu'' could probably replaced with ''technique'', while it has the same effect - without disturbing readers who don't have much knowledge of the Japanese language.

Maki-Chan wrote:Chakra began to glow a blue light dimly around her shoulder blades. Then two large dragon wings ripped through her skin and shirt. The jutsu had worked, but who knew how long Momo could keep it up. Come on at least until I’m directly above the river.

Unless those wings of her use extreme force (like Naruto's Rasengan, for example), I don't really know if chakra would rip through cloth. Or skin, for that matter. Cloth might be believable, but since chakra is basically a ninja's energy, I doubt that it would rip their skin.

Maki-Chan wrote:Momo grunted as she began to sweat from forcing chakra out and into the wings. She held her hand sign for as long as she could. Her stomach wound tingled with pain and blood was pouring out of it. Eventually she released the hand sign and grabbed her stomach. Instantly the wings vanished and once again the 16-year-old girl started to plummet down back to earth. With merely dumb luck, Momo had used the jutsu long enough to fall into the river.

The hand sign: holding your hands in the handsign to keep it working isn't necessary [I haven't seen anyone do this in the series, in fact]. It should be enough to make the handsigns [boar, tiger, ox, etc.] and let go, because than the chakra will be released.

Her stomach wound tingled with pain: Though I doubt I can accurately describe how a wound feels, I don't think a wound like that would only ''tingle''. Especially not when afterwards, you mention blood is pouring out of it.

16-year-old girl: I'd advise using ''sixteen'' instead of ''16''.

With merely dumb luck: Because ninja always have luck.

Maki-Chan wrote:The river however was not a calm one but rather a raging river- yet another way for the injured ninja to die. Momo swam to the surface. She gasped for air- swallowing a mouth full of the cold water. Rapidly moving her arms and legs she struggled towards the bank in a diagonal direction- this helped reduce the amount of work she needed to do.

Comma between ''one'' and ''but'', first sentence.

The injured ninja: I think by now we know that she's injured. I don't think it'll hurt to use ''her'' instead.

Momo swam to the surface: I think you might be better off explaining first what she felt when she fell into the water, this is too sudden for my liking. I even browsed back to see if she had actually fallen in or not- and you did mention it. This just means you should focus on it a bit more. Falling into a raging river, as you call it, is not exactly the most normal thing in the world to happen.

I suggest using another comma between ''legs'' and ''she'', in the last sentence. Also, it read rather awkward.

''Rapidly moving her arms and legs'' doesn't describe to me what she's doing. Well, okay - of course she might be swimming. But I think rapidly moving your arms and legs in a wild river contributes more to drowning than anything else.

Maki-Chan wrote:Soon with much effort Momo had beached. Clawing her way off the sandy shore she soon touched the long grass. After this she turned and lied on her back. Momo panted and felt totally exhausted. Even after she was away from the danger there was no hope for her.

I'd really like some describing of surrounding here. Grass wasn't previously mentioned - although, that of course could be because of the hectic situation Momo was in.

Maki-Chan wrote:I guess I should just let myself bleed to death. I mean life isn’t worth living anymore! Not after the one person I cared for most betrayed me. Perhaps even god has abandoned me. That would explain why this is happening.

If your character believes in God (or, at least, some kind fo God), I think you should capitalise God.

Maki-Chan wrote:Momo began to sniffle and wipe her eyes. In the end I never really escaped my early death. I wish that the doctors just gave up trying to get me to breath- that my mother had just tossed me into the river as a baby. But no I survived all of that just to die her. With no reason for living at all!

For the first sentence, I think ''Momo sniffled and wiped her eyes'' is enough.

Comma in the last sentence between ''no'' and ''I''.

Maki-Chan wrote:She stopped to gaze at the nighttime moon. It was full, and on a cloudless night. It’s beautiful. Momo realized she had never really looked at the moon, even though she had seen it many times before. This time felt like it was actually the first. Unbeknownst to Momo she drifted into a light sleep- filling her head with dreams, or more like the memories of the past.

This last paragraph almost makes me think she forgot she's very close to dying. Also, I don't really know if falling asleep [even in a light one] will do her any good. I'm not an expert on it, or anything, but she has a severe wound and is losing blood. If she doesn't do anything about that, she will die. Just thought I'd mention it.

Regarding Jutsu
If you're going to use "-no Jutsu", try to find a complete translation, or else use "False Demon Wings Technique!" ("The Art of...blah blah blah") or something. Jafanese mixed with English is never good.

Ninjutsu, as far as I've gleaned from the series, are not "power-up" things. (The characters get enough of that, anyway, lol!) Most are for immediate effect: Sasuke's Katon Gokakyu, the Chidori, Rasengan. Attacks, not, to use a gamer term, "buffs". This Demon-Wings thing, at this point, is a blatant Deus ex Machina, not to mention unreal in the idea that A] Momo has enough Chakra left to change her body if not squeeze off a few more effective techniques against whuzzizface and B] someone would know how to do that beyond Sasgay's incredibly druggy 2nd/3rd form. And let's face it -- Sasgay's a Mary Sue anyway!

Just a Little Common Sense

If you're bleeding through your stomach, a gash on your torso, coughing up blood in the traditional Naruto way, the last thing you want to do is fall asleep without tending to the wounds. Momo, even if following Kishi's crazy U.R., is going to die.

If you're bleeding in the aforementioned way, you wouldn't want to get in the water. Why? The stronger possibility of a fatal infection. Increased blood loss. Exposure of internal organs to all sorts of nasties lurking in the usual river water.

If she's bled so much, she should already be unconscious. Why? Because blood carries oxygen to the body, and especially the brain. Which is why it's possible to die of blood loss. In the Naruto universe, a character can lose all but, like, a drop of blood and survive. Still, that only works on the comic book page.

Back on the sleeping issue, if she were unlucky enough to fall asleep, she wouldn't be dreaming. Her body would be trying to hard to recoup the losses to bother with dreams. I might be wrong, but I think the human body has a natural anesthetic? Anyway, with the loss of blood, she'd be unconscious 'nehoo.

"Sandy shore"? River? Raging river? Are we on the same page, geographically?

If she had to claw her way up a sandy shore, that's even worse! All the gunk in her body! She's going to die from infection if not the elements.

Unless I'm very much mistaken, the Japanese don't believe in one god. Have you seen the anime Death Note? They use the cross as a representation because, in Japan, it symbolizes a cult. Really. Christianity is quite alien there. Momo could have a special spirit that she thinks guards her, or whatever, but a single god is out of the question, if you're going for realism.

You also might want to consider running the text through Word's grammar check. Some parts are a bit iffy.

My only other comment is to introduce other characters, because at the moment, I don't care about Momo. We've had no chance to get to know her, or to feel pity for her other than the customary oh-I'm-about-to-die thing that all Naruto characters, canon or otherwise, love.

By the way: Momo. Am I the only one who constantly thinks of the little lemur from Avatar: the Last Airbender?
~Sumi

I'll fix the stuff, and well I'm stikin to the jutsu thing. When you are losing lots of blood sometimes you drift into minuets when you forget you are bleeding to death.
Lastly I am going to introduce Naruto characters in chapter 4. So relax.

Konnichiwa, Maki-chan!!

Today's the day I'll crit your second chapter!!!!

Again, critting as I read:

As Momo fell, the wind caused her to close her eyes.

This sentence sounds too direct and like "in your face!" to the reader. It's too factual, is anther way I'd put it....make it more...artisitic!! Like: "As Momo fell, the wind forced her eyes shut." Or even something more dramatic. When you get the part of writing that is artistic, descriptive, and makes the reader want to read more...or really impacts the reader, your sentences will sound much, much better. ^_^

Momo began to form hand signs. Praying in the back of her mind that it would work.

A few things: Since Momo is apparently dying (as a reader at this point, just coming in, it doesn't really feel that way), you should try to describe her thoughts and feelings as she's trying this last ditch attempt to save herself. Use words like struggle, could barely move, etc. And another thing, (heheh, I'm a sucker for details when it comes to story elements) they're usually called hand seals. But also hand signs (that's more of what the anime calls them) works. And the last thing: "Praying in the back of her mind that it would work." is a fragment. Instead of seperating that sentence, connect it to the first one. ^_^

Chakra began to glow a blue light dimly around her shoulder blades.

I suggest revising this sentence to make it sound better. For example: "A faint blue outline of chakra began to glow around her shoulder blades." Or something to that effect.

Then two large dragon wings ripped through her shirt.

You can connect this to the sentence above.

Momo grunted as she began to sweat from forcing chakra out and into the wings.

This sentence sounds okay, but it would sound less choppy....but it's okay. I dunno, I'd just write it differently! XD

Her stomach wound stung and burned with pain and blood was pouring out of it.

I believe that was a typo. XD
And the 'blood...of it" should be seperated into a different sentence. One that gives the reader the feeling of Momo dying...or even dying with Momo. MOre description!!

She gasped for air- swallowing a mouth full of the cold water.

You're hyphen happy! You should use commas instead.

Rapidly moving her arms and legs, she swam towards the bank in a diagonal direction, which helped reduce the amount of work she needed to do.

I usually don't comment on grammar problems, but they're everywhere in your story. You need to use/add commas!!!!! I fixed the stuff in that sentence and bolded it for ya. But I'm not gonna fix every one. ^_~

Clawing her way off the sandy shore, she soon touched the long grass.

I am going to yell the word 'comma'. COMMA!! XD

After this she turned, and lied on her back.

This is a complex sentence, therefore it needs a comma to seperate the independent and dependent clauses. But the other thing: This sentence is too formal and direct. Try being more creative with your descriptions.

Momo panted and felt totally exhausted.

'felt totally exhausted'????? Well, that's even more direct!! How 'bout "was toally exhausted"...although that sounds pretty bad, too. Again: try being more creative/descriptive of the situation. The reader needs to get into the character.

Perhaps even God has abandoned me.

I'm not really sure how God fits into the Naruto realm, so I think you should leave it out.

But no, I survived all of that just to die her.

Um....I'm not exactly sure what you mean by this sentence. A possible typo?

She stopped to gaze at the nighttime moon.

Ooo, how 'bout 'midnight moon'. I know it may not be exactly midnight in your story, but it sounds cool. XP

Unbeknownst to Momo she drifted into a light sleep- filling her head with dreams, or more like the memories of the past.

Okay, this hyphen works, but I think you should just try to make this sentence into a complex sentence.

*Note: Even thouhg she is dying. Momo is both to weak and lost all hope to care enough to save herself from bleeding to death. But she didn't want to die from either drowning or falling.*

Interesting note, but I think you should actually explain this within your story. Get more description in there and then it will become longer, too!

_______________________________________________________________________

I'd also go along with what the others said. ^_^

Overall:

You did a better job than in your last chapter. You need to add more description and thought and feelings of the characters. Then the reader will really get into you story.

Jutsu:
You need to follow Sumi-chan's advice, cuz I think she covered it!

Haha, when I think of Momo, I think of the Bleach character. XD

Keep working away at this, you'll get the hang of it!

~the [s]great [/s]Psychic Ninja, Timea