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Young Writers Society


Chapter 1:Cousins?



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Tue Mar 11, 2008 1:32 am
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LunaBuna43 says...



Disclaimer: I don't own Ouran...no matter how much I want to :cry:

“Haruhi, can we come to your house this weekend?” asked the Hitachin twins as they walked up to the female host.

She blinked in confusion, “Why?”

The twins smirked evily, “One, to annoy you and two, to piss off Tamaki-senpai.”

“Hello Haruhi.” said a male voice, the three turned to see a boy around their age with dark brown hair and hunny yellow eyes. He had a gentle smile on as he waved at Haruhi.

“Eh-Akira? What are you doing here?”

Akira laughed, “We just enrolled.”

Hikaru and Kaoru stared at the boy in suspicion, “Do you know him Haruhi?”

Haruhi turned to the two, “Of course, he’s my cousin.” The two boys sighed in relief mentally and smiled at the boy,

“Hey there, we’re Hikaru and Kaoru Hitachin.”

Akira smiled back, “Hey. the name’s Akira Shizuoka, freshman.”

Hikaru grinned, “Same grade as us huh?” Akira nodded.

“Wait…” the three boys looked at Haruhi who looked up at Akira, “Did you say, we?” Akira blinked a bit but then nodded once he understood.

“Ah-yea…A-“ he was cut off by a girl who just so happened to tackle him and held him in a head lock.

“I found you Onii-chan!” a young girl about an inch shorter than Haruhi smirked at the poor boy.

Hikaru and Kaoru stared at her in disbelief while Haruhi smiled, “Akari enrolled too?”

Akari nodded energetically, “Sure did! Ai did too!” and as if right on cue Ai appeared out of the blue. Akari’s long dark brown hair covered her brother’s face which suddenly turned blue.

Ai blinked, “Uh…Kari-chan…”

Akari turned to Ai, “What?”

Ai pointed to Akira, “I think you killed him.”

Akari gasped, “Ah shit! Now I’ll be an only child!” she shook Akira violently, “Hang in there Onii-chan! You can’t leave your twin behind! I’ll never forgive you!”

Hikaru and Kaoru looked at each other, “Twin?”

Haruhi nodded, “Yeah, Akira and Akari are twins. Well, fraternal twins that is.”

Ai nodded in agreement while Akari still shook her brother, “The only things they have in common are; their hair color, eye color, skin tone and temper.”

Haruhi nodded, “Exactly, sometimes they’ll act like one another but other than that they’re polar opposites when they’re alone.” She pointed to Akari who sobbed over her 'dead' brother, “Kari-chan is still violent, energetic, fiery, stubborn and mischievous alone.” She then pointed to Akira who was drooling, “And Akira is calm, collected and wise alone. Sort of like you two," she then pointed to the orange-haired twins.

“AH! Onii-chan you’re alive!” squealed Akari as she hugged Akira tightly.

“Akari, I won’t be alive for long if you keep hugging me!” Akira coughed.

Akari pouted, “What’s that supposed to mean? You don’t want your own sister let alone your twin to show any affection towards you?!”

Later

“So, they are Haruhi’s cousins?” asked Tamaki as he pointed to the trio.

Haruhi nodded, “Yes they are.” As time passed the customers went out cause it was close to closing time. Akari and Ai talked non-stop about random things while Akira read a book.

Akari stood up to join Haruhi and patted her on her back, “Ne, Haru-chan why are you wearing the b-“ she was suddenly grabbed from the back and landed on a solid yet soft surface, she looked up to see ginger hair and chest nut eyes looking down at her, she then looked down to see his hand covering her mouth.

Haruhi and her customers stared at them, “Hikaru, what are you doing to her?” Kaoru laughed nervously,

“Heh heh, er…nothing! Nothing at all!” Akari blinked a bit and just stood in his hold, she was to confused to even react. She then noticed that Kaoru came up and hugged Hikaru and her as well! So now they were all in a huge trio hug.

Some girls squealed at this moment, thinking it was so precious and cute. “Oh my god! She’s so cute just look at her!” Akari still a little stunned shook her head to wake herself up and bit into Hikaru’s hand.

Hikaru snatched his hand away and shook it a bit, “Ouch, what was that for?”

Akari pouted cutely which made most of the girls nearby swoon and cry of pure delight, “Oh my god how precious!” commented a stupid fangirl.

“Cause maybe your hand was covering my mouth.” She then sent a glare at Kaoru which was meant to scare him but he just chuckled cause her glare was so cute, “Let go, you and your idiotic brother are squeezing me to death!”

They tightened their hold on her which made her growl, luckily Akira glanced at them to see what the ruckus was and his eyes widened as he stood up he pointed to the Hitachiin twins violently. His finger shook with rage as fire flared in his eyes.

Ai sweat dropped, “Oh boy, it’s his temper that’s so much like Akari’s.”

“Let…Go…Of…My…Sister!!” he growled through clenched teeth as fire surrounded him in rage. Akari blinked and then smirked, she then tip toed until she was able to whisper in Hikaru’s ear, who was a lot closer. Hikaru smirked and turned to his brother who instantly understood.

Their hold tightened even more, “But why? She seems to like it, right Kaoru?”

Kaoru nodded, “Yes Hikaru, she does doesn’t she?” They looked down at Akari who smiled up at them cutely.

“Aishiteru, Kao-chan.” and with that she pecked Kaoru on the cheek and turned to Hikaru, “Aishiteru, Hika-chan.” she kissed him on the cheek as well. This however, made him blush a bit which wasn’t part of the plan.

He looked down at her and his blush deepened, Akari looked up at him in confusion, “Is something wrong…Hika-chan?” Now all the attention was on the trio and they were all swooning, fainting or squealing with pure delight.

Akira lunged forward but was stopped by…Ai? No Haruhi! She had grabbed his jacket and he fell down to the ground. Hikaru and Kaoru laughed at him while Akari just smirked, “Onii-chan needs to work on his anger issues!”

Tamaki raced over with rage evident in his eyes, “Hikaru, Kaoru! Release Ms. Akari this instant and apologize to Mr. Akira!” Hikaru and Kaoru both stuck their tongues out but soon released her but not because Tamaki had asked, but because Akari released herself.

She walked over to her brother, crouched down and poked him in the head cutely, “Are you dead?”

The customers in the Third Music room all squealed, “That’s so cute!”

Ai's sweat dropped, “I think he was overwhelmed and in pain.”
"When other girls wanted to be Ballerinas, I kind of wanted to be a Vampire." ~Me
My first puppers Pikapet
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Gender: Female
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Reviews: 63
Tue Mar 11, 2008 11:16 pm
LunaBuna43 says...



No one like?? *sulks in Tamaki's Corner of Woe* :cry:
"When other girls wanted to be Ballerinas, I kind of wanted to be a Vampire." ~Me
My first puppers Pikapet
My second puppers Pikapet
Check out my new group! Roleplayers Unite!
  





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Gender: Female
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Reviews: 7
Sun Mar 23, 2008 11:45 pm
Kick_the_sky504 says...



All together it was good. But I think that maybe some of the other's from the manga sould be involed. An I thought Tamaki's actions were a little off. he is a little more dramatic. But this is just my opinion. But all together it was very good. An good idea for the story.
  





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Sat May 03, 2008 1:10 am
Wcatgal says...



It was really good as a whole. I thought the twins were a little off and Tamaki is a little more dramatic about things ususally, but you came close enough that you could still see the characters from the show doing what they did in your story. On a scale from one to ten I would give the story an eight(being the good end of the scale).
  





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Sat May 03, 2008 2:07 am
Sumi H. Inkblot says...



Hello, Luna!

Firstly, I'd like to suggest you take this test in regard to your OCs, and then consider if you seriously want to continue the story based on your score.

Secondly, there's a line between manga and most literature. Sad, but true. Putting "sweat-dropped" on page is just not as funny as the gag, yes? And then it just sounds tacky. My advice is to get rid of all the SD or visual gags for a piece. Replace it with things like, "Tamaki looked flabbergasted" or something, you know? Manga doesn't always translate well to literature, and vice versa.

Thirdly, I think you should also forsake the "Jafanese", or the fangirl Japanese. By doing that, it's insulting the language and yourself. Formal titles are the only exception; the presence of a -kun or a -sama or the lack thereof can be quite powerful, and you can't really duplicate that in the English language. This means no "gambatte!" or "oyasumi nasai" or "konnichiwa" or "gomen nasai" or "onii-chan" or anything. "Good luck," "good night," "hello!" "excuse me" and "older-brother" (Al-style! Heh.) are just as acceptable.


Fourthly, I've noticed your habit of forsaking dialogue tags. For the love of all that is well-written and punctuated, do not do this. :shock: Have you ever read a piece where the bulk of it was dialogue? They can be very powerful. Especially in this case, you want the dialogue to speak for itself. Seasoned Ouran readers will know the expressions on the twin's faces when confronted with something weird, I assure you.
You also seem to be avoiding the word "said". Do not be afraid of said! It is your best friend. It needs to be part of the natural punctuation of the piece -- I noticed it immediately when reading the dialogue. Used correctly, 'said' will turn into part of the page. Not exactly noticeable, but important, none-the-less. I believe Snoink wrote a very nice post about that?

'Cause' is NOT proper grammar in narrative. Really. You have to use 'because' or not at all, or else the entire thing just takes on an extremely childish sheen. Unless you're using first-person and the narrator happens to say ''cause', but really. Because in formal narrative, 'cause in informal narrative. And it always has to have the '. Really.
Speaking of narrative, do not, under any circumstances, resort to using an exclamation point in any kind of narrative at all, for the same reason as above: it makes it seem childish and like you only gave the story a passing glance when writing it.

Continuing on the 'narrative' rant/review, you're not using natural punctuation.

This is a simple but effective method that I use for punctuation: If you're saying the phrase aloud, then you punctuate where you stop to take a natural breath.
So, this
“What’s that supposed to mean? You don’t want your own sister let alone your twin to show any affection towards you?!”

would be
“What’s that supposed to mean? You don’t want your own sister, let alone your twin, to show any affection towards you?"

Heh, only an exclamation point or a question mark. You can get the rest of the point across with an action or a description of the character's face.

Also, when you're using an action sentence before a 'logue, end it with a period and not a comma/apostrophe. I'm continually mixing the two up, ah well. It looks a little weird any other way, yes?

Before you write OC fanfic, I think that it's a good idea for you to write some short stories with just a canon cast, so you can get used to working with them. The people above me have pointed out that the twins and Tamaki seem a little off, well, there you go. :D


Overall, I'd like to say that some mangas make good fanfiction. Fullmetal Alchemist and Death Note in particular. It's because of the detail of their worlds and characters, I think.
However, the more comedy-oriented a manga is, the less suited it is towards becoming actual literature. Ouran High relies on gags and chibis and weird faces for a good portion of the humor, and you just can't do that with words alone!

In conclusion...my advice is to ditch this or put it aside for a while, and work on imitating character's voices. Not literally, of course, but finding out how to write them well. If you still want to work on this after that, fine! But practice makes perfect.

If you want me to keep reviewing this story, send a PM my way with a link. :)

Long live the Host Club! XD
~Sumi
ohmeohmy
  








"And what is the use of a book," thought Alice, "without pictures or conversations?"
— Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland