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The Almega Galaxy: Corruption



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Fri Jan 18, 2008 4:59 am
ninja-Z says...



Chapter 5: Quest

“What?! Why’d you let him escape?” Kwest exclaimed as Cere was explaining what had happened the day before.

“So I could save you, Kwest. You’re lucky that shot didn’t hit one of your hearts or lungs,” Cere replied. “Now save your strength, you’re still recovering.” Kwest gave out a deep sigh.

“And skip work for the next few days,” Cere continued.

“Well, I’m fine with that,” Kwest said.

“But don’t go exploring or anything,” Cere warned. “I don’t want you to get in trouble when you’re injured.”

“And you really think that I’m just gonna sit around all day like a bump on a Vurnat tree?” Kwest said sarcastically. “Yeah, right.”

Cere rolled his eyes in annoyance. “Well, see you, Kwest.” He walked out the door of their small, cozy apartment into a world of danger and uncertainty. Kwest heard the faint hum as Cere drove off into the skylanes.

Kwest grabbed his holopad and checked the news. To his surprise, he and Cere were in it. Called ‘Amazing Little Kids,’ the story told of the gang called Claw robbing the Spice Pot, the manager calling the police, and finally the ‘kids’ taking most of the gang’s inner circle to the police station.

“Well, looks like we’re famous,” Kwest muttered to himself. After he was done looking at local events and the weather report, he shut off his holopad.

He checked the time: seven hours, four minutes. Then he put on his khaki jacket and ambled out the door, making sure to type in the lock code. He went on a pleasant morning walk, the gentle breeze brushing his chesnut hair. His final stop was a small café called Busko’s after the owner’s name, De’hara Busko. On off-days, Kwest and Cere were regulars here, so Kwest had become acquainted with the owner.

As he passed through the automatic rotating doors, he waved to De’hara.
“Hey there, Kwest. I read about ya in the news. You’re a little hero,” De’hara complimented. He waved his dark green hand. He had situated his overweight body behind a plain durasteel counter. “Galeon needs more guys like you. Ya got guts.”

“Tch, thanks, but I got a little hurt,” Kwest said.

“I was wonderin’ why ya weren’t at work. Well, I hope it heals fast...anyway, what'll it be for ya?”

“The regular,” Kwest replied.

“All right. Comin’ right up.”

Kwest took a seat in the bar. He pulled out a few gaswas and put them on the countertop. As De’hara came to place Kwest’s translucent orange beverage in front of him, he waved the credits aside. “No, this one’s on me, kid,” De’hara told Kwest.

“Thanks a bunch!”

“No problem.”

While Kwest took a sip of his free drink, a woman in a manila-colored cloak sat down in the bar stool next to him. She immediately turned to face him.

“You are Kwest Omarrin, correct?” the woman asked.

“Y-yes,” Kwest answered.

“I’ll cut right to the chase,” the woman continued. “I was wondering if you’d take on a small….job….for me.”

“What kinda job?” Kwest asked slowly.

“You know, bounty hunters can make big bucks,” she said, not answering Kwest. “And you and your friend seem to have that raw talent and determination.”

“What do you mean?”
“I was watching your fight. You have a wound on your chest, so you aren’t at work. I knew where to find you.”

“D’you want anything to drink, hun?” De’hara interrupted.

“Just Iada Juice, thank you,” she replied.

“Umm…anyway, give me your name, first,” Kwest said, suspicious.

“Oh, how impolite of me,” she said back. “Call me V.”

“Well, ‘V’, you never really told me what you wanted.”

“Didn’t you figure it out by now? I would like to hire you to hunt down a woman for a bounty.”

“Are you serious?” Kwest said, confused. “That was a one-time thing. You really think I could actually survive the bounty hunting world?!”

“You’re good, for a kid. People underestimate you, and that’s what gives you the edge.”

“So…if I accepted your offer, just who would I be hunting?”

V smiled. “Her name is Esha. Or, at least, that’s what she goes by. She’s been single-handedly robbing houses in the higher class of Galeon.” V’s face was dead serious now. “She’s extremely skilled at sneaking around, and knows every trick in the book. Be warned. That gang you fought, she could take them all down--single-handedly! But, don’t worry too much; I’m sure you can handle it. Meet me back here tomorrow. I’ll be expecting an answer.”

“Uh…nice chatting with you,” Kwest said as the woman walked out the rotating door. What am I getting myself into? Kwest thought to himself. Then he suddenly remembered the goal he’d set as a kid. That is, until he lost hope when the Civil War started. I’m trying to help the galaxy, make it a better place--that’s what.

* * *

Around noon, Kwest walked away from his taxi toward the Spice Pot. Once inside, he found Cere on the far side of the restaurant working with Repair Function Droids, or ReFus. There Cere was rebuilding a half-shattered wall, while next to him a three-meter wide ReFu sealed a window in place with a buzz-driver held by its mechanical arm. On its back were two employees taking a break.

“Hey, Kwest,” Cere greeted him as he drew near. “Why’re you here?”

“Well, uh...some girl offered me a bounty hunting job.”

“And you actually accepted?” Cere asked, his face skeptical and a bit annoyed that Kwest would even consider such a thing.

“Not yet. I just dropped by to get your okay.”

Cere picked up a box of new utensils and handed them to a ReFu droid.
“Why exactly would we be offered a mission? And why in the galaxy would I wanna become a bounty hunter?”

“C’mon, Cere,” Kwest replied. “D’you really want to wait tables your whole life? I mean, don’t ya wanna see the planet, maybe even the galaxy? Plus, we’d make a pretty good living off of it.”

“But we’d get killed! Is that a good way to spend your life either?”

“If I got killed, I’d know I died making the galaxy a better place! Just give it one shot, and if it fails, we’ll never try again, alright, Cere?”

Cere let out a deep sigh. After a couple of deep breaths of thought, Cere finally said, almost a bit too casually, “Well, I guess so.”

“Well then, tell your boss you’ll be taking a little vacation after today. I-we have to meet some woman called V tomorrow at Busko’s.”
______________________________________________________________________

Money. It was a great thing, really. And she’d just earned twenty thousand. Well, she thought of it as earning. After all the careful planning, careful sneaking, and being careful not to trip any sensors, she better have gotten the money. Only, she didn’t really get twenty thousand gaswas, she got fifteen thousand. He said he was occupied, and she couldn’t blame him. After all, playing senator and running a galaxy-wide criminal organization was tricky business.

She hopped into her sleek Bolt Speeder, which happened to also have been stolen. As soon as she’d stolen it, she’d custom-fitted it with blaster armaments and a false license number. She soared off into the Galeon night air, which would be pitch black if not for thousands upon thousands of bright fluorescent buildings that literally stretched to the ends of Galeon.

Tomorrow, she’d start planning her next robbery. But for now, she drove up and away from the yet unaware household that had just lost everything.

Zoltan says: I hope you enjoyed, thanks for reading! Also, go and check out the prologue of my new Halo fan-fic!(No, im not copying the other guy that posted a prologue for a halo fan-fic, ive had this idea for months!)
Last edited by ninja-Z on Sat Jan 19, 2008 5:59 am, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Fri Jan 18, 2008 10:51 pm
JabberHut says...



Yo, Z, what up?

Alright, enough punk talk. :lol: Let's see what happens next in the story. :D

“So I could save you, Kwest. You’re lucky that shot didn’t hit one of your hearts or lungs,” Cere replied.


Assuming he does have multiple hearts, very good job at incorporating such a fact. :D

“And [s]please [/s]skip work for the next few days,” Cere continued.


'Please' just sounds too friendly when Cere knows if Kwest should stay or not.

To his surprise, [s]Cere and he[/s] he and Cere were in it.


Called ‘Amazing Little Kids’,...


I think the comma should be inside the quotes still. ^^

Then he put on his tan jacket and ambled out the door, making sure to type in the lock code.


Would a khaki jacket make more sense? Or khaki-colored?

“No, this one’s on me, kid,” De’hara told Kwest.

“Thanks a bunch!”

“No problem.”


Really and truly? Lol, maybe De'hara did that in sympathy? By the way, why wasn't De'hara asking Kwest about his injuries? If De'hara didn't want to mention it, maybe include that Kwest was glad De'hara hadn't asked any questions about the adventure or something to give us the hint that De'hara was a kind person, and not a drunk bartender. :D

“I was watching your fight. You have a wound on your chest, so you aren’t at work. I knew where to find you.”


Should that be 'weren't'? Or is 'aren't' what you meant it to be? If 'aren't' is the way to go and he works in that bar (since De'hara clearly said he noticed he wasn't at work when De'hara was working her/himself), then put 'aren't working' instead. ^_^

“Just Iada [s]juice[/s] Juice, thank you,” she replied.


Good job with these names of trees and drinks. :)

“Umm…anyway, give me your name, first,” Kwest said, suspicious.


"Er...give me your name before I make any considerations," Kwest said suspiciously.

I would like to hire you to hunt down a woman, for a bounty.”


Replace comma with triple dots. :D

“You’re good, for a kid.


Again, delete comma or use triple dots. I suggest you use the one you didn't use in the comment above this. For instance, if you include the triple dots in the previous comment, then delete this comma. Or vice-versa. ^_^

That gang you fought, she could take them all down….single-handedly!


Use double dash instead of the comma. That gang you fought--she could...

“Uh…nice chatting with you,” Kwest said as the woman walked out the rotating door.


I think it would be more effective if Kwest didn't say anything. Maybe the woman left before Kwest could even say a thing?

I’m trying to help the galaxy, make it a better place, [double dash ^^] that’s what.


There, Cere was rebuilding a half-shattered wall, while next to him a three-meter wide ReFu sealed a window in place with a buzz-driver held by its mechanical arm.


“And you actually accepted?” Cere asked.


Need a little more emotion. This conversation is going too fast. Add a little dramatic pause. Describe the look on Cere's face, or how he spoke. Maybe he was shocked? His eyebrows shot up? Er...there's other ways too. xD

Is that a good way to spend your life, either?”


No comma. ^_^

I--we have to meet the client called V tomorrow at Busko’s.”


I don't think client's a good word for it. Just say "we have to meet a woman named V tomorrow..."

But for now, she drove up and away from the [s]yet[/s] unaware household that had just lost everything


Zoltan says: I hope you enjoyed, thanks for reading! Also, go and check out the prologue of my new Halo fan-fic!(No, im not copying the other guy that posted a prologue for a halo fan-fic, ive had this idea for months!)


LOL! This confused me for a second. I was, like, why didn't he use quotations?? Lol, I fell for it. XD

Good job! In the beginning, your descriptions were good. You did well when naming the drinks and the tree--I liked that a lot too. You clearly show that you know the world you're working with. Near the end, though, I can use some more.

The dialogue still needs a little work. Again, it started pretty well, but near the end, it was rushed when you could add more description. The plot's developing well, and I'm getting attached to your two characters here: Kwest and Cere.

Bravo! Keep writing! :D

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