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Young Writers Society


Almega Galaxy



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Sun Dec 02, 2007 9:52 pm
ninja-Z says...



its been a while....read on :D

Chapter 4: First Fight

“Are you sure we should be doing this?” Cere yelled at Kwest. “Can’t the police handle this?”

Suddenly, two of the five policemen were brutally shot down by streams of red laser bullets. Kwest and Cere sped toward their targets. Obviously, the gang hadn’t noticed that there were kids on their tail, or otherwise the two would be dead by now.

Another man, presumably the police squad’s leader, was demolished by a wrist rocket, and soon after, the other two alien policemen fell to the ground, a river of dark purple chasing Kwest and Cere from the bodies.

The alleyway reached an end, and the four remaining gang members halted near trash which piled up a few stories high. They turned around to notice their pursuers.

“What the-?” the leader spoke out in a voice that quickly turned to laughter. The laughter spread among the gang. “You’re just a couple of kids! Hahaha!”

“Why don’t ya just go to hell, kids!” another man yelled at them.

“You heartless thugs don’t deserve to live,” Kwest shot back at them. He tried to move, but couldn’t. He was too nervous. But soon his nervousness turned to sadness, then to anger. “Those men you guys killed back there, they did!”

“Well, they were just in the way. Like you pathetic little kids! Die!”

Kwest grabbed his plasmasword out of his belt, igniting the long lime-green blade at the end. The gang members gazed at the weapon in surprise.

“You sure about this, Kwest? You think we can take him?!” Cere yelled at him. But it was too late. The gang members drew their weapons.

A gang member pulled two E-mark blasters, which were in either of his hands. The next brought his wrist rocket launcher up to light of the alleyway. The second-in-command showed his Z-2 light shotgun, its three barrels filled with energy. Finally, their leader, with ammunition hung from his body, grabbed his blaster rifle and shot in the air, as if challenging them.

Reluctantly, Cere pulled from his utility belt a gold cylinder, pressing a rectangular button to emit a cerulean glow from the sword.

The two E-marks struck first, neither landing a hit as the two teens were already moving. Cere gashed the man’s arms slightly. The thug dropped his guns as his hands were rendered useless. Bright red dripped slowly to the ground.

“Beaten by kids, you sure suck,” the leader muttered under his breath. “Get them!” he yelled to the other two, pointing at Kwest and Cere. The men approached the teens, and the leader, using his hoverboard, climbed high to watch the battle from a distance.

One man with a darker complexion shot his wrist rockets at Kwest and Cere.

The two reacted by somersaulting with lightning-fast reflexes beneath the glimmering rocket. The two barely dodged the rocket, and the explosion sent them both flying to the ground. Kwest threw his plasmasword at the bulging weapon, slicing the dark launcher off of the man’s wrist. Kwest suddenly felt a small lurch of pain as the aftermath of the blow seared through his body. Unable to battle with rockets, the man grabbed his pistol from his holster.

The next man confronted Cere as the other stayed on Kwest. Kwest reached out, grabbing his sword from the duracrete pavement of the alleyway. Kwest jogged back to Cere’s side.

“You’re mine, kid!” the man with the Z-2 blurted out.

“Well, what do we do?” Kwest asked.

Before Cere could answer, the two dodged a shot that came between them, splitting the two apart. The enemies advanced, sending scorching hot blaster bolts flying at the boys.
Suddenly, Kwest had an idea. He ran, as fast as he could. Faster than he thought he could. There was an advantage to being smaller. Speed. The man with the pistol was clumsy, and he couldn’t hit a fast, moving target.

Kwest grimaced as a laser blast scorched his shoulder. Before another hit, he dived and lightly cut into the mercenary’s flesh, downing the man--and lurched as a bolt the size of his fist smashed into his chest.

“Ahhh!!!” Kwest screamed.

“You okay?!” Cere asked Kwest.

“Not…..really….ugh,” Kwest gasped as he fell to the ground.

The apparent second-in-command kept firing from his shotgun, snapping power packs in and out of his weapon.

Can’t get too close that guy’ll blow me to bits! Cere thought to himself. He brought his sword to bear and reached his hand behind his back. Like a boomerang, he threw his plasmasword , which flung in a circular motion, slicing through the thug’s legs.

Cere quickly rushed to Kwest’s side, to find that he’d passed out.

The frightened leader fled on his hoverboard over buildings and out of sight.

Forget that leader, I’ve got to get Kwest to some bacta, thought Cere. He quickly ran back to the S-14, got it running, and brought it to where the fallen gang members and Kwest were. He took them all aboard, making sure none of the other gang members had escaped.

Cere sped toward Galeon’s police station and dropped off the gang members, receiving an award of a few hundred gaswas. Once he got back to the apartment, he quickly gave Kwest’s wound some bacta.

I hope Kwest turns out okay, Cere thought. And I can’t believe that that guy escaped! Well, I guess things could’ve been worse……
Last edited by ninja-Z on Sat Jan 12, 2008 9:15 pm, edited 2 times in total.
  





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Mon Dec 03, 2007 2:21 am
JabberHut says...



Hello, Z! It's been a while, so we'll see how much I remember.

Just then, two of the five policemen were brutally shot down by streams of red laser bullets. Kwest and Cere ran faster [s]and faster[/s]. Obviously, the gang hadn’t noticed that there were kids on their tail, or otherwise the two would be dead by now.


Very nice on your there/their/they're words. ^_^ A lot of people get them mixed up.

...a river of red [s]flowing[/s] chasing Kwest and Cere from the bodies.


The alleyway reached an end, and the four remaining gang members halted near trash piling [s]up[/s] a few stories high.


You don't need a comma.

“You’re jest a couple of kids! Hahaha!”


Either:

1. You mispelled 'just'

2. You're trying to do that funky jargon/accent stuff. If so, use: "Yer jest a couple o' kids! Hahaha!"

“We don’t have parents anymore,” Kwest started. “Thanks to heartless thugs like you!”

His nervousness turned to sadness, then to anger. “You just slaughtered many men, good-hearted men, with families that love them! Why!?”


In the second paragraph, I'm assuming you're talking about Kwest. If so, combine them into one paragraph. If not, specify. Also, isn't he, like, 12? Would he really say 'good-hearted'? What would you do if you were in this situation? Would you speak as well as Kwest is speaking?

“They were just in the way. Like you pathetic little orphans! Die!”


...in the way, like you...

His anger engulfed his weapon like seeds of corn engulf a core.


How does anger engulf a weapon? We already know he's angry, so show us he's angry. Maybe his knuckles turned white as he held the sword, or his hands began to shake, or there's a spark in his eye. Also, seeds of corn are on a 'cob' lol. I forget that word a lot, seriously. The repetition of 'engulf' is irritating. Pretty much, fix this up. lol

No, Kwest, don’t!” Cere yelled at him. But it was too late. The gang then drew their weapons.


Never start a sentence with a contraction, except under special circumstances. Just use a comma here.

One pulled out two E-mark blasters, one small gun in each hand.


You use two numbers in this sentence and throws the reader off. In fact, let's do this: One pulled out two small guns known as E-mark blasters. I hope the reader can assume one goes in each hand. It would be hard to pull the trigger if both were in one hand, lol.

[s]The next[/s] Another brought his wrist rocket launcher up to light of the alleyway.


Fix this sentence please. I think you mean '...launcher up into the light of the alleyway,' but I'm not entirely sure.

The second-in-command showed his Z-2 light shotgun, its three barrels filled with energy.


I don't really like that word in this sentence. Let's use simply 'had a' or somethin' else, pleases, lol.

Finally, their leader, with power-containing tubes hung from his body, grabbed his blaster rifle and shot in the air, the laser bullet never reaching the surface because of the high alley walls.


The italics could be a sentence unto itself.

Reluctantly, Cere pulled from his utility belt a shining cylinder, pressing a rectangular button to emit a cerulean glow from the sword.


You combine a lot of sentences into one, creating a run-on sentence. Sentences can only be so long before they're really annoying. Let's rewrite this sentence into two: Reluctantly, Cere pulled a shining cylindrical object from his utility belt. He pressed a rectangular button and a sword appeared, emitting a cerulean glow.

The two E-marks struck first, neither landing a hit as the two teens were already moving, and Cere gashed the man’s arms slightly


"...and Cere gashed the man's arms slightly." This can be its own sentence too, adding a little more details to make it more exciting, like 'fiercely' or 'quickly' or 'with great agility'...something to show character.

Bright red dripped slowly to the ground.


Bright red...? :wink:

“Beaten by kids, you sure suck,” the leader muttered under his breath.


Would SW-type characters say 'suck'? I'm thinking they'd say something like this: "Beaten by kids? Pathetic."

“Get them!” he yelled to the other two, pointing at Kwest and Cere.


He was muttering to milliseconds ago. He wouldn't be yelling unless he's really short-tempered. Instead of 'yelled', use 'commanded' or 'ordered'.

and the leader, using his hoverboard, climbed high to watch the battle from a distance


I don't understand why the leader would stand back and watch. Is killing amateur fighters such an exciting show to observe? Maybe he can run away while his men are distracting them or something.

Kwest reached out, grabbing his sword from the cement-like pavement of the alleyway.


Can it be cement-like? Maybe it's just cement.

Suddenly, Kwest had an idea. He ran, as fast as he could. Faster than he thought he could. There was an advantage to being smaller. Speed. The man with the pistol was clumsy, and he couldn’t hit a fast, moving target.


"...to being small: speed." <== Looks better. :wink: Rewrite the last sentence as well. The man kept missing his fast target.

and froze as a bolt the size of his fist flew not an inch from his head.


Of course he missed him. :? Maybe it's bad memory, but is there a reason that the kids are such good fighters? It seems unrealistic, even if it is sci-fi.

“Can’t get too close to him, or he’ll blast our guts out!” Cere advised.


I don't know about 'advised'. Use 'noted' or something like that, if not 'said.'

He brought his sword to bear, reached his hand behind his back, and, like a slingshot, threw his plasmasword , which flung in a circular motion, slicing through his legs.


I got lost around 'bear'. I simply skipped over it. Rewrite that part, please. And the plasmasword sliced through whose legs? Not Cere's, I hope. :)

How can reaching behind his back be like a slingshot? We should probably completely rewrite this. I'm assuming he threw his plasmasword like a boomerang. If this is true, try this: He brought his sword arm back, hanging on tightly to his weapon. When his arm couldn't go back any farther, he threw it, much like a boomerang, and sliced through the man's legs.

“Now, all that’s left…” Cere began.

“…is that leader of theirs,” finished Kwest.


They sure talk a lot during their fights. =/

“We can’t lose him now,” said Kwest.


Maybe Kwest panicked? Or 'said quickly'? Or desperately?

Cere booted it up as fast as possible, and they soared up into the air.

Only to find that their target had disappeared.


The last sentence--that's a dependent clause. It can't be left alone. This is a continuation of the previous sentence. If we want drama, here's how we can do it:

Cere booted it up as fast as possible and they soared into the air--

--only to find that their target was no where in sight.


Also...Of course he disappeared. They ran all the way back to their ship to leave. Don't let them go to all the work when their ship's a mile back and the guy's is gaining distance between them. =/

Overall, I felt lost only because it's been a while since I read your work, or your sister's work, for that matter. However, I like fighting scenes, and this part is all about fighting. It can use work, more drama, more intensity. ^_^

I have to go, sorry I didn't end my crit very well. Just more detail...Oh! One more point to make!

Your characters. You, like many writers, are getting excited about your story. We forget to think what this type of person would do in this situation, or that person would do in that situation. Cere's a techno-genius, right? Which means he's a problem-solver (maybe?). He's probably not a top fighter, but thinks of strategy and how to get through situations like your fight here. Kwest--I'm thinking he's our brave character with a lot of gut. Maybe he doesn't think and just goes to fight. And the guys they're fighting: you can do a lot to tell of their appearance. We need to know what they look like.

The fact that Kwest and Cere are kids and kicked adults' butts is unrealistic. Maybe you specified the reason for this, but I don't quite agree with this. I think they needs some serious injuries before I can believe this to happen. I mean, the leader got away. Therefore, they didn't technically win and we can show the kids' weaknesses by giving them huge gashes on their cheeks or broken/twisted ankles. Gimme some wounds. I like to know my characters' pros and cons, not just the pros, and not just the cons. No one's perfect and no one's a loser.

Alright, I gotta hit the road. Great seeing you again. ^_^

Jabber, the One and Only!
I make my own policies.
  





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Sat Jan 12, 2008 10:32 pm
JabberHut says...



I feel kind of bad about double posting, but you said you edited this, so here I go. It certainly has improved. :D

But soon his nervousness turned to sadness, then to anger. “Those men you guys killed back there, they did!”


I don't like that word. Try 'anxiety'.

Finally, their leader, with ammunition [s]hung[/s] [b]hanging from his body, grabbed his blaster rifle and shot in the air, as if challenging them.[/b]

Cere gashed the man’s arms slightly.


Delete 'slightly'. If you wish, you can put 'barely' before 'gashed.'

The men approached the teens, and the leader, using his hoverboard, climbed high to watch the battle from a distance.


Why? This confuses me. Wouldn't he want to just kill two puny kids right away? Or is he afraid of their weapons? If he's afraid, say so and make it more dramatic. Maybe there's fear in his eyes and he's hesitant about his next order before commanding his two men to go kill the kids.

“Not…..really….ugh,” Kwest gasped as he fell to the ground.


It's a Captain Kirk deal here. (Star Trek? Ja? Nein?) Anyway, no. Don't do this. Cere asks if he's okay. Have Kwest be a man about it then collapse on the ground. "Yeah, I'm fine..." Kwest gasped and fell upon the ground, face first, clutching his chest.

Can’t get too close--that guy’ll blow me to bits!


Cere quickly rushed to Kwest’s side, to find that he’d passed out.


Delete comma. ^_^

And I can’t believe that [s]that guy[/s] the leader escaped!


Well, I guess things could’ve been worse……


Just three dots. Don't use excessive dots. ^_^

Overall, you've really improved. I'm proud of you. ^_^ I can't wait 'til the next chapter! There's not much else to say. You've patched a lot of wounds in your edit.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!
I make my own policies.
  





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Sat Jan 12, 2008 11:30 pm
ninja-Z says...



thanks, jabber, helpful as always. yes i know the original version was kinda terrible. :? yeah I changed the plot a lot, i think for the better. and when i say a lot its because i made the original plot 1/2 year ago, and i was less experienced. chapter 5 will probably be released next weekend cause i want my sis to go over it. anyway, ciao!!

-Zoltan(yeah, thats my real name!)
  








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