Young Writers Society

This is being rewritten. Please, follow the latest links above this post. Thanks.

~Ayumi~

Well, I forgot who ayumi was. ( that's my issue not yours) I liked this, I wasn't able to read the entire thing (because I didn't know who Auyumi) but what I read was pretty good. I can't do fanfiction so If i wrote this, then, man, that'd be a miracle. Continue to write.

Konnichiwa, Audra-chan!

Critting as I go (again):

Itachi could not grasp the possibility of that. Neither could Ayumi. It was impossible to birth fire from water, wasn’t it? Nonetheless, it was her own; she was unique.

I'm glad you recognized this...and I hope you explain more of it later, of course!!

Then a thought struck her: what I that man, that creepy, snake-like fiend found out about her abilities? She had heard of his lust for power, immortality, knowledge…what if he discovered her?

Okay a few things:
I think that that I should be 'if'.
And this is a pretty random thought...a little too obvious. You should state some points which lead up to this...Itachi-kun knows Orochimaru-sama quite well, since he cut Orochi's arm off....

Her fears were justified only a week later.

I didn't read the next few sentences when I posted above...but this seems all a little too obvious...maybe you should write it in a way that leads up to the point. Ya know?

Orochimaru was here. Itachi had sworn his name, hatred and fear ringing in his tone.

Hmm...would this be the part where Orochimaru-sama trys to steal Itachi-kun's body? (the time frame is right) If it's that, then it happened in broad daylight (in the manga) and afterward...Orochimaru-sama leaves the Akatsuki..but doesn't pursue Itachi-kun any further. Those are just the facts. I don't have a real problem with what you're writing here. He could be going after Ayumi..and Itachi-kun was there!

Had Itachi killed a snake? Where was he? Where were the serpents? Where was Orochimaru? What next?

These thoughts need to be in italics.

He exhaled, slowly pulling a kunai out of its holster, and Ayumi finally noticed it.

I'm not exactly sure (mind blank) what they call it...but there's another word besides holster...

Maybe he was weakening? Or was he just humoring her? What could they do it ‘Orochimaru’ turned up? What if they had to fight?

I believe these are supposed to be in italics as well.

“It’s so good to see you, young Uchiha,” a sing-song, serpentine voice crooned.

....'sing-song'....it made me laugh... *giggles*

“What’s this?” Orochimaru continued, walking towards them. “Why so quiet? I thought you were going to fight me and give me a challenge?”

Okay, there's something I think you left out here...the Akatsuki.
If you look at the timelines, Itachi-kun and Orochimaru-sama are both in the Akatsuki...and at this point, I believe is where Orochi attempts to steal Itachi's body...so you should mention something hinting around the Akatsuki-how they were dressed, they seemed to know each other, etc.

“What are you doing? He’s out of your league!” he hissed in her ear.

WAY out of her league..Orochimaru is in a class by himself! Well, at least in this point in the story...

What was he thinking? Did he hope to help overwhelm Orochimaru with a still bleeding arm?

Italics...

mouth open to show fangs like a vampire’s…Ayumi frantically reached for the senbon up her sleeve, moving to avoid Orochimaru as he leaned with unbelievable speed towards her neck…She screamed when Orochimaru’s teeth grazed her, sending rivulets of blood down her neck and shoulder…

I think you have to many '...' in that paragraph. You should take out of the one between 'neck' and 'she'.

She charged…weapons formed in her hand, hot as fire until she touched it…fire seemed to act on her thoughts, go where she wished it, do as she pleased…for once Orochimaru was afraid of her…

Same thing. ^^

She panted. Was it over? Everything was clouded, fading…she could smell smoke, feel ash…was she dead? Why was she so sore, so tired, so weak, so dizzy? She blinked…her vision was blackening, but she knew where Itachi was…she crawled…he was unconscious; he’d finally fainted, or had she knocked him out? Then the world was dark…she collapsed beside him.

A few things wrong here...the paragraph was full of too many fragments...and short bursts (if you know what I mean) and too many 'dot, dot, dot's...

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You are getting way better at writing this! I liked this action scene. It was well-written, aside from what I mentioned above. If I compare the story-line to your old one....it's 1000x better. Good job!

I hope you post more REAL soon, Audra-chan.

-the [s]great[/s] Psychic Ninja, Timea

Wow... I've read alot of your work, and I have to say that I like this one the best. It's the perfect combination of suspense and action. You've really done a great job keeping the chapters in sinc with one another and with the orignal show. The only thing I found slightly off was that Itachi still seems too nice.