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A wolf and his girl Chapter 3



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Tue Nov 27, 2007 10:46 pm
Maki-Chan says...



A wolf and his girl
by Maki-Chan m

Chapter 3
The start of a great friendship

They walked together threw the city. Raven lead the way while Ruki followed close behind. Ruki leaped forward.
" Hey Raven. Where are we going?" She asked.
Raven kept walking. Ruki sighed." I'm just going out for a walk." He answered.
" You mean its like I'm walking my dog?" She giggled out.
" Hey! Don't say that!" He scolded her.
Ruki slowed down." Sorry." She sighed.

They walked towards the center of the city. Ruki's nose wrinkled as a stinking smell reached her. Rats scittered across the road and a flock of crows sat around, pecking at something in the gutter. Hearing a whine, she looked back to see a stray dog limp behind a building.
The city streets where covered in litter. Only a few trees where in the city, most either died from the cold weather or the pollution. The buildings came in all sizes most of them were made in brick or concrete. There was also allot of thugs and gang members roaming the city too. Raven grabbed Ruki's arm and kept her close." This area of the city is very dangerous so stay close." He commanded.
Ruki struggled free." Hey! I'm not a little kid you know! I can look out for myself!" She yelled.

Ruki walked ahead of Raven. He just sighed. They walked for hours with Ruki leading and Raven close behind. Soon they reached it all the way to the other end of the city, the slums. They kept on walking through the slums till the end of the city could be seen. Ruki stopped. Raven stopped next to her. It was snowy since no one cleared the snow outside of the city. Raven smelled the air. He made a low pitched growl. Ruki looked over to see Raven in his wolf form. He had a pure black coat like the night sky, and his eyes glowed yellow." What is it Raven?" She asked.

"We have company." He growled out.
There was a small scent of blood in the air. Ruki's eyes widened as she gazed upon 3 brown wolves. Raven just growled at them, and they growled back. Ruki watched in horror." Hey Ruki. Head back to your house." Raven whispered to her.
"...." Ruki didn't answer.
Raven looked over to see the little girl frozen with fear. She was in her own world of terror." Great..." Raven moaned.
He walked in front of Ruki, to protect her. The largest of the three brown wolves approached Raven. His teeth emerged through his brown and long snout." I thought you learned your lesson the last time you tried to leave the city." The large brown wolf threatened Raven.

" Last time we fought I almost killed you." He finished.
Raven fixed his gaze on the two other wolves, who where now coming closer." The only reason you won that fight was because you where a coward and needed your pack to keep your worthless life alive." Raven growled mockingly.
That seemed to hit a vital point in the big brown wolf's pride. He lunged towards Raven with his jaws wide open. Raven ran towards the big brown wolf. As he closed into the big brown wolf. Raven quickly moved to the side avoiding the wolf's opened jaws with pure white blade like teeth. Raven opened his jaws and closed them on the other wolf's neck. The big brown wolf whipped and yapped in pain. Soon small puddles of blood formed around the two as they fought. The other two wolves ran towards the fight to protect their kin. One of them flew towards Raven. Raven released his lock on the wolf to dodge the jaws of another wolf.

Meanwhile Ruki fought the urge to cry, or scream." I have to be brave." She whispered.
" AHhh!" Raven screamed in agony.
Ruki broke free of her fear to see Raven being attacked by three wolves. Ruki frantically searched for something to help Raven. She picked up a good rock. She threw it as hard as she could, and hit one of the wolves in the face. It yelped, then turned to face the young girl." You leave Raven alone!" She commanded.
The wolf that she struck with the stone growled as it moved closer to Ruki. The girl picked up another rock. Raven head butted a brown wolf to the ground. He perked up his head."no.." Raven muttered.
He saw one of the brown wolves make his way to Ruki." That idiot! She's still here!" He yelled.

He dashed towards the wolf making his way towards the small girl. Raven opened his jaws as he lunged towards the wolf, and bit into the back of his neck. The sight of blood made her stomache turn. Her heart beated faster and faster, but all she could think about was Raven's safety. She didn't care about her stomach either.
"Raven..." Ruki whispered.

Raven walked one step at a time towards the brown wolf bleeding on the snowy earth, and turning the pure whiteness into red. Ruki stumbled towards the man covered in blood." Raven...we should run..." The little girl pleaded.
She did not like the way Raven acted so cruel. Raven just kept on walking towards the very injured wolf. The other two brown wolves had ran away, and abandoned their companion. Ruki ran in front of Raven to try and stop him." Raven you won, come on and lets get out of here." She statted the very obvious to him.
Raven's eyes had a look of coldness in them, he wanted to tear that helpless wolf apart. He just walked right past her. She turned to face his back." Please you don't have to do this." She yelled.

Raven was right above the brown wolf. He placed his paw over the other wolf's neck and pressed down choking him. The bloody wolf yelped." No..this isn't the Raven that protected me, and didn't abandon me...no he's someone else." Ruki thought.
She ran towards him. Her eyes began to tear up. Raven pressed his foot on the wolf's neck even harder. Ruki grabbed the back of his shirt. Raven stopped." Pppllease...ddon't do this" Ruki sobbed"...please don't kill him...please..." Ruki begged him.

Raven lifted his foot off the brown wolf's neck." Get out of my face." He warned the wolf.
It crawled away then lifted it's bloody body and began to run." Ruki..." He stopped to face the little girl. He was covered in blood. He had a smile on his face." Let's head home."
Ruki smiled back. She grabbed his hand and pulled him as she walked towards home.

As they walked through the city it began to snow. The snow seemed to cleanse everything. Making it pure. Raven and Ruki didn't notice the stares from the people. The two where still kinda covered in blood, but because of the snow falling slowly coming down harder and harder the snowflakes covered the blood on the two figures. Making it harder for people to notice them. Soon the air became so cold with every breath you can see it. The moon was high in the sky when they reached Ruki's house. Ruki released Raven's hand and grabbed the key from her pocket. She ran towards the front door and unlocked it. Raven increased his speed to catch up to her. They rushed inside and out of the cold. Ruki walked into the darkness." Hey what's this?" Ruki asked Raven.

Raven walked towards Ruki, she was pointing at a strange large metal box. A ticking noise came from it. Raven stepped towards it. His eyes widened as he saw digital numbers count down.5...4...3...2... Raven rushed towards Ruki and grabbed her small body. He raced towards the opened door, but he was just to slow. BOOM!

An intense force of pure power forced Raven to fly through the air. He still shielded Ruki from the explosion. The shock swept through out his entire body. All he could feel was pain. It was strange his whole body stung with so much agony. This suffering he felt from the explosion was unearthly. Soon the shock waves from that powerful blast slowly died down. Raven could feel the ground scrape against his legs. He still had the small girl bundled in his arms. Raven completely stopped, his mind drifted to the clouds. He sat there on his knees; holding the unconscious Ruki in his arms and close to his chest." Why...huhuhuh...am I so tired?" Raven whispered into the cold night air.

He stared at his breath; a slight stinging sensation began to creep onto Raven's uncovered face. A small trickle of blood dripped down his face and dropped off his chin and onto his arms. His eye lids began to become heavy with sleep. Raven fought the urge to rest. He layed down the sleeping Ruki onto the ground. Her house was completely destroyed. Raven, in his wolf form, sniffed the air. The scent of the Nobles was approaching." Great...huhuhu...(pant) They found me." Raven panted out with all of his strength.

He turned to face Ruki, who was still asleep. He walked over to her and began to lick her face. His wolf drool soon covered her face.
" Uhhhh.... Huh? What happened?" Ruki yawned.
Raven's bright glowing yellow eyes stared at the little girl, who was only minorly bruised. Ruki looked startled at Raven. The sight of his bloody and torn apart body scared her." Raven! Are you ok?!" She yelled in consern.

The black wolf in front of her just stared at her with his golden shining eyes. Ruki reached her hand toward Ravens black fur. She petted his head. His soft her caused Ruki to smile, but when she felt his blood, which covered his fur causing it to make a yucky brown color, her smile turned into a frown. She turned her head to the sound of shouts and yells. Ruki looked back at Raven to see him back in his human form.

"Come on, we should leave." Raven commanded Ruki.
She rose along side Raven. They ran towards the alley way, but Ruki stopped. She turned to see what was left of her house. Raven stopped as well." This place... was never my real home, more like my prison." Ruki thought as she ran to join up with Raven.
Last edited by Maki-Chan on Mon Dec 17, 2007 3:51 pm, edited 5 times in total.
  





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Wed Nov 28, 2007 10:47 pm
Gwenevire says...



I think you need to describe the surroundings a little more. Not just the people but the trees the buildings etc.

They are walking... Where what does it look like. Do other people come up to them? Are there other stories in the streets?

So maybe she could notice Raven slipping away to transform into his wolf form.

Raven Raven Raven Raven... You say that to much.

Blood does not squirt up to a girls face...It just can't

Maybe when Raven is closing in for the kill and Ruki is trying to stop him he should snap at her or scare her off.

You said (sob) in the middle of some dialogue.

You said:
"Pppllease...ddon't do this(sob)...please don't kill him...please..." Ruki begged him.

Corrections:
Pppllease...ddon't do this" Ruki sobbed "...please don't kill him...please..." She begged him.

Still kinda covered in blood. I think you should add some more description to this.

Whey is Raven so nice to Ruki? Maybe you should explane his feelings for her etc.

I think you need to read this over out-loud and make some important changes to it.
I like where the story is going. There where just some minor errors that need to be reviewed.

-Good work
Genevieve
xxx
  





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Wed Nov 28, 2007 10:50 pm
Maki-Chan says...



thanks I will correct the errors right away! :P
  





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Wed Nov 28, 2007 11:46 pm
Gwenevire says...



No problem I enjoy reading this! :D
  





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Thu Nov 29, 2007 2:08 am
Maki-Chan says...



thanks. I try my best to please the readers :D
  





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Sat Dec 01, 2007 10:41 pm
LowKey says...



This is starting to get interesting...
Still have errors, but then, who doesn't?

They walked together threw the city. Raven lead the way while Ruki followed close behind. Ruki lept forward." Hey Raven. Where are we going?" She asked.


Press enter when a character begins talking and get rid of the space between the quotation marks, so it should look like this:

They walked together through the city. Raven lead the way while Ruki followed close behind. Ruki leaped forward.
"Hey, Raven. Where are we going?" she asked


They walked towards the center of the city. There was a lot of rats, crows, and stray pets.


This is okay, but we could spice it up a bit. How about:

Ruki's nose wrinkled as a stinking smell reached her. Rats scittered across the road and a flock of crows sat around, pecking at something in the gutter. Hearing a whine, she looked back to see a stray dog limp behind a building.

Paints more of a picture for the reader. If you only say that there were a lot of rats, crows, and stray pets, that doesn't show the reader much, It tells them something, but what picture does it give them? You may know what everything looks like, but we readers are in the dark. All we know is that there were a lot of rats and crows, but what were they doing? Maybe the crows were pecking at something in the gutter. What were they pecking at? Leave it blank and let the reader and character use their imagination. What about the stray pets? Maybe they're starving, or limping. That paints more of a picture of what the surrounding area is like, don't you think? Imagery is key.

Keep in mind you don't need to use my examples. You can do it your way, and most likely do a better job.

Onward!

"...." Ruki didn't answer.


Having ... in dialogue works well in comic books, but doesn't do so hot in stories. ... suggests a pause, or fading out into silence. As such, it is usually followed or preceded by dialogue of some kind.

Raven looked over to see the little girl frozen with fear.


Hold it.

"Hey! I'm not a little kid you know!


How old is she? I was thinking she was in her teens, but this is the second time you've referred to her as a little girl.

Other than that, it was really good. I have a feeling this story s gong to get very interesting very soon...

:D

Dreamer
Necropolis SB / Necropolis DT

Once was Dreamer, is now LowKey_Lyesmith.

Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.
  





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Sat Dec 01, 2007 10:52 pm
Maki-Chan says...



thanks. It is getting interesting.

Ruki is about 9. She thinks she is old enough to take care of herself. She thinks of her self highly.

Hehehehe little kids...
  





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Sat Dec 01, 2007 11:10 pm
Gwenevire says...



Does Ruki have parents?
Or is it a tipicall orphan story?
  





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Sat Dec 01, 2007 11:57 pm
Maki-Chan says...



from what I have she's just all alone, I'm not too sure wether she is an orphan of just abandoned. hmmmmm


:wink:
  








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