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The Fallen Hero



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Wed Nov 21, 2007 9:37 pm
MadHatter says...



Explanations

“Why did you call me here Ben, I have a lot to do.” Animo yelled as he walked in. His fully robotic body hummed and squeaked. Just as what had happened to Ben, Animo had been thrown out of the Vilgax 2 by Gwen and Vilgax. Animo had never gotten over the fact that he had been betrayed by his partner. But unlike Ben, he had lost his entire body, minus his brain and liver. Ben didn’t want to pass up his intellect, so he had them make a “storage facility” for him.

“We got the location of the Omnitrix and I was wondering if you had “that” done.”

“No…I have so much to fix.”

“But I asked for it yesterday. You don’t want to make me mad Animo. I can shut you down right now.” Ben glared at him.

“Ah…I’ll have it done in an hour.”

“Make it ten minutes or else.”

“But there’s so much to do. You’ve assigned me an impossible task.” Noticing Ben’s angry expression, Animo quickly saved himself. “But if anyone can do it, it’ll be me. Ben smiled and headed for the ship.


“So this is your place?” Meg asked the old vulpin. The place he had taken her to was a filthy pile of boards and trash.

“Things are not always what they seen.”

“Are you just full of quotes like that?”

“Pretty much.” He grabbed her hand and pushed open a makeshift door on the pile. “Now come on in.” To Meg’s surprise the pile was quite roomy.

“How big is this?”

“Oh this isn’t what I meant. I was talking about this.” He moved aside to reveal a well furnished room. Huge expensive computers lined the walls.

“What the hell?”

“Don’t say that m’am.” Meg screamed as a plant-like alien swung down from the ceiling.
“Don’t worry, it’s only Wildvine. He’s a friend. Gray Matter! Heat Blast!” Several seconds later a Galvan (Grey Matter) poked his head out of a flower pot. She heard some footsteps and saw a pyronite walk down a set of stairs across the room.

“Bring home a friend Cannonbolt?” The pyronite laughed. He suddenly stopped when he noticed the Omnitrix on her wrist.

“These names…you’re the hero names Ben Tennyson thought up! Okay, somebody tell me what the hell is going on here?”

“It’s a long story.” Heat Blast sighed.

“I can listen for a long time.” Meg grinned smugly.

“Fine.” Cannonbolt sighed. “Get comfortable.” Cannonbolt nodded to the couch.” Here we go now. Well, Ben became so popular that he began to slip away from being a hero. He figured that he could use his powers for his own purposes, since it was his own. Vilgax sensed his weakness and asked him to join Animo and himself in conquering the universe. He accepted. The master, Gwen Tennyson, knew it would not be long before Ben would come looking for her. So she brought us to life using her magic. We were made to serve with her and the Galactic Protectors in a raid on the BVAA (Ben, Vilgax, and Animo Alliance) headquarters on Mars. Vilgax decided to turn against his partners and join us as well after Animo and Ben betrayed him. Turns out the GP became corrupt over time just as Ben had become. They betrayed us to the enemy. They caught us mid-trip in an ambush. Gwen was captured along with our ship. The rest of us barely made it out alive.”

“Okay…now can you explain how I got the Omnitrix?”

“Well, we don’t really know. We assume she stole it from his unconscious bloody body when she threw him off the Vilgax 2. She must have hidden it inside herself using magic. We do know that…she died recently, trying to escape from prison. Ben must have caught wind of her hiding his Omnitrix, it’s the only reason she would run. Gwen must have been aiming for us, but got to you instead.”

“Wow…that’s a lot to handle…How the hell did you get here any way?”

“To hide from Ben she picked the last place on Earth he’d look for his proper cousin. The sub-streets. The last place anyone civilized would ever dream of going. And news travels down, easier than it does up. If anyone even guessed who she was, the news would die a couple of streets up.”

“This Omni-whatever, if it’s so important to you, just take the damn thing. I don’t want it.” She stuck out her hand to give it to Cannonbolt who was sitting on the couch next to her. He nervously avoided it, and backed up until he couldn’t back up any more without falling off the couch.

“I’m sorry…we can’t touch it or we go back into it. It was her “trap door” in the system so we didn’t betray her. And besides, it’s on you for life, or as long as your arm stays attached to your body…”

“Which might not be long…” Heat Blast mumbled.

“What did you say?” Meg angrily whipped her head around. She growled at him and turned her attention back to Cannonbolt. “But I have a life! I can’t be some great wielder of the Omnitrix and be a highschooler at the same time!”

“That doesn’t really matter now does it? As long as you stay here he won’t find you, now will he?” Gray Matter chuckled.

“What?!? Stay here?”

“That’s what I said. Can’t you understand English?”

“Once again, I have a life! I have a mom, a sister and a brother, a boyfriend! And you’re telling me I can never see any of them again? I didn’t ask for this!”

“Well that’s too bad. If you go up there for even a day he’ll find you. Mark my words he’ll find you.” Gray Matter paused a moment. Did he just here a voice? Well, there were people out there, living and talking so it didn’t bother him.

“But-“

“Shh! I don’t want to here any more of this. Trust us Meg. This is the best thing you can do at the moment. We’ll talk about this later. We have more pressing matters to attend to.” The voice got closer. Cannonbolt tensed. A lot of people passed their hide-out, but it was off the beaten path, and after a day like today, he didn’t want to take any chances. ‘Everybody quite!”

“Megan! Megan!” A female voice yelled.

“It’s mom! It’s my mom!” She rushed for the door, but Wildvine stopped her with one of his vine-like arms.

“That may not be your mom.”

“How do you know? You haven’t met her! She came down here because of the car crash. She’s looking for me and dad…well, not so much dad, but you know. Why else would she be here?”

“Once again…It might not be her. Mimicking voices is something a lot of people can do.”
Voldemort: You kids! If I ever find out who's calling I will tell the wizard law and you will go to wizard jail and then I'll kill you!

Harry Potter Puppet Pals - Wizard Swears
  





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Sun Nov 25, 2007 5:07 pm
Rydia says...



I'm not quite so fond on this part. You info dump a lot and Meg's becoming a bit too much of an angsty teen. Try not to have such long speeches and work on seperating the personalities of the new characters. Also, the dad seems to have diasapeared. If he's unconscious at least have them place him on a couch and show them struggling to carry him over there or something. Here's a few other suggestions -

“Why did you call me here Ben, I have a lot to do.” [A comma rather than a period.] Animo yelled as he walked in.

Just as what had happened to Ben, Animo had been thrown out of the Vilgax 2 by Gwen and Vilgax. [This is really awkward. Perhaps 'Just like Ben, Animo had been thrown out of Vilgax 2 by Gwen and Vilgax.']

“But if anyone can do it, it’ll be me." Ben smiled and headed for the ship.

“Things are not always what they [s]seen[/s] seem.”

Gray Matter! Heat Blast!” Several seconds later a Galvan (Grey Matter) poked his head out of a flower pot. [Gray matter or Grey matter? I have no idea - it's your story - but try to be consistent when inventing names of species.]

” Here we go now. [Should be "Here...]

“This Omni-whatever, if it’s so important to you, just take the damn thing. [Just a few lines back she knew exactly what it was called and the same in the last few sections when she'd read about it in her history book...]

“What?!? Stay here?” [Don't use multiple punctuation marks. One is sufficient and much more professional.]

“Once again, I have a life! I have a mom, a sister and a brother, [Maybe replace this with a semi colon?] a boyfriend!

Did he just [s]here[/s] hear a voice?

“Shh! I don’t want to [s]here[/s] hear any more of this.

‘Everybody [s]quite[/s] quiet!”
Writing Gooder

~Previously KittyKatSparklesExplosion15~

The light shines brightest in the darkest places.
  








As I grow older, I pay less attention to what men say. I just watch what they do.
— Andrew Carnegie