Young Writers Society

This is being rewritten. Follow the links at the top of the screen, the latest ones.

Thanks.

Konbanwa, Audra-chan!

I'm extremely happy to finally begin reading and commenting on your newly reworked story!!!!!!!

So here, I'm critting as I go along!:

A rifle discharged; the bullet splintered a limb near her head. She began to run again. She had to get away, to leave the island…

Oooooo! Bad mistake! Kishimoto-sama specifically stated that the presence of projectile weapons in Naruto is totally banded! He means, what would a ninja stand against a gun? You see? Even for a fanfic...you really shouldn't have added the rifle.

It took her a moment to realize that she was alone, she was safe, it was six months later.

Take out the 'six months later'...Add it in a separate sentence, by itself...to add effect!

That was not entirely accurate; Haku was only her half brother...but still. Was she alone?

*leaps for joy* (yes, I seriously did leap out of my seat...actualy the chair slid out from under me and my butt hit the floor. ^^)

Yeeeeesss! I love that fact!!! It makes MUCH more sense now!!! *high-fives*

(No. I could always keep going, trying to reach Hidden Waterfall. Uncle Kaito and cousin Emi would be pleased to see me!)

I still have a problem with the fact that Emi&co are from the Hidden Waterfall. They're cousins...and they're from totally different countries...kind of on the opposite side-ish of the 'world'. Sorry, it just wouldn't have made sense....clans (especially from different countries rarely inter-marry....but this could be a rare thing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So, continue on...random spazzy me...

One youth – dressed in a purple shirt, black pants, and a black cape – seemed to be on the run.

Maybe you should say 'black pants and cape'. it's less repetative.

Older, stronger men were in hot pursuit, Anbu masks reflecting the moonlight.

Hold on...this is Itachi-kun being chased, right? the ANBU (and it should be capitalized, I think) don't chase him the night he murders his family...he really doesn't get chased at all...I mean what good would it do to chase a guy that murdered about 50-80 people in one night?!

For someone of about thirteen or fourteen, he was quite elite.

In the dark, wouldn't it be kinda hard to tell how old he is? I mean she could probably figure out that it was a teenager, though..

…She saw the villager’s face, his machete raised above her…

Hold on...I don't really get what's going on here?

And if you're talking about Itachi-kun's sword....it's a..katana..not a machete...Japanese swords, Audra!!

He was standing in front of her, replacing the knife into its holster.

Swords have sheaths and guns have holsters. ^^

“You’re a rogue…aren’t you?” he asked. “I can see it in your eyes. You witnessed something terrible, and now you’ve run away.”

Ooooo! I like this!

“Well, Ayumi Gosu,” he smiled sarcastically, “welcome to Konoha.” He turned away from her, cloak flapping.

Hold on, I apparently forgot the reason why Ayumi is in Konoha as a Mist nin. What was the reason, again? I'm confused here...

He was keen about battle, and it was impossible to sneak up on him.

Thank God!! She isn't a Mary-Sue right away!!!! *high-fives*

“And that is another problem! ‘Sorry this, sorry that!’ Why do you apologize for everything?”

Itachi+random outbursts....doesn't really fit his character. XD

Ayumi tried to get control over her emotions as he awkwardly sat beside her, hesitantly putting a hand against her back.

That isn't Itachi-like either...for a girl he just randomly met after he murdered his clan..and randomly brought along...

“No, it’s not! Not if it…upsets you like this!” He couldn’t stare at her; he had to look back and forth between the flames and her eyes constantly. “What…what happened, anyway?”

Whoa!! Way not Itachi-like!

“Everything.”

I like it last sentence. Good ending sentence!

_______________________________________________________________________

Okay, this was 100000x better than your first 'edition'!!!!
Except for the few things I mentioned (AND REMEMBER, NO GUNS!), it was well written and good. Ayumi is not as Mary-Sue-ish..she sounds more like 8 year old..not older (wait how old is she?). The whole main bad thing (but influential to your story ) is how would Itachi-kun just randomly say to a random Mist Village genin, 'let's go.' You might want to explain the reasons behind this decision later in your story. Other than that, excellent!

~the [s]great[/s] Psychic Ninja, Timea

its cool =]

i love naruto, and this seems to be quick awesome.

Keep it up =]

You gotta bring Naruto and Gaara in btw, theyre the two coolest ^.^

Eva

I'm not going to go into grammer, because that isn't my forte. Your storylines are intriguing to read and I have to say, I'm enjoying them more everytime they come out. I hope you continue to write this!

I LOVE your fanfic so far! ^_^ It's very detailed/descriptive, creative, and interesting. I'll continue reading it later, but not before I leave you a comment: GREAT job! ^_^

This was very intriguing, and I definitely enjoyed this. PsychicNinja pointed out just about everything, so I can't really add much. However, there was this one little bit:

uote]“What’s yours?” he was obviously reluctant to answer.[/quote]

I believe the 'he' should be capitalized. Well, that's all I can say. This is a beautifully written story and I can't stress how much I've enjoyed reading this. Keep writing!

No guns in Naruto!!!!
Itachi seems too nice and random here as well, just like the first reviewer said.


Also, you make it sound like Itachi was being chased by many people. He takes down one, and all of a sudden he's safe?

Other than that, great job!