Young Writers Society

"All troopers board your transports!" echoed over the speakers three or four times, as hundreds of troopers boarded their ships, ready to land on Solari to secure the invasion.
Among the hundreds of identically dressed soldiers in their plastic uniforms was a crafty character named Jens Tsudari. He boarded his massive landing craft rapidly.
"Hurry up!" yelled a squadron leader.
"Sorry, sir," mumbled Jens, disguising his voice with a deeper, more soldier-like tone so as to sound similar to the others.

****

He landed a few minutes later, disembarking quickly from the ship. "Wait for the right moment," he told himself. Aboard the ship, they had been told to take positions near the rebels', which worked perfectly well with his plan. Then they would wait for Vader, and then Tsudari would strike.

All the Imperial reinforcements surged forward- the first few lines inevitably mowed down- but soon the Alliance became rather worried and panicked, crazily firing in random directions. The Empire had clearly trained their troops better, and as the gap between numbers of troops narrowed, the Empire was obviously soon winning.

Secretly biding his time and waiting behind a rock, Jens wished he could do something,anything; despite his fustration he kept telling himself to "wait for the right moment"

Then finally, he saw the man he'd been looking for, draped in a black cloaked, clothed in shiny black armour. Jens threw his helmet to the side and took out his lightsabre.

"Hey!" A nearby Scout Trooper spotted him. Jens swiftly jabbed him with his sabre and also killed four other soldiers that were attcking rebels. The Allliance cheered- they had a chance of winning. However, the collective smile soon faded when they saw the Drak Lord destroy many of their troops.

"I've got a bad feeling about this," said Rebel leader Dan Choretto.

"Don't worry!" replied Tsudari. "I've met this one before!"

He somersaulted into the air and landed right in front of Vader. Jens straigtened up, looking Vader in the eye.

"Do I know you from somewhere?" joked Jens.

"The time for jokes is over!" bellowed Vader , taking out his lightsabre, a crimson beam illuminating the rock upon which they stood. Many around them looked up, watching their heroes stare at each other.

"Well then," said Jens, "Let's begin." His lightsabre flashed into life, as the two beams clashed on the top of the rocks they stood upon. The second duel was just beginning, and the battle was far from over....

And here's part 4!

All the Imperial reinforcements surged forward- the first few lines inevitably mowed down- but soon the Alliance became rather worried and panicked

This is just a nitpick when it comes to format, but you could use two dashes (--) instead of just one and putting a space. In Microsoft Word, it would make one bigger dash, but even outside of Word, it looks like a bigger dash and easier to read.

e Empire had clearly trained their troops better, and as the gap between numbers of troops narrowed, the Empire was obviously soon winning

..."obviously soon winning" is strangely phrased. Could we rewrite this? Maybe just delete "soon"?

clothed in shiny black armour.

Replace "shiny" with "shining." It sounds much better, sounds like you know what you're doing.

saw the Drak Lord destroy many of their troops

Oops! I think you mean "Dark Lord," rather.

"The time for jokes is over!" bellowed Vader

Vader? Bellow? Doesn't match up.

You're doing pretty well, though. I'm super tired and can't really give a decent ending to my crit. I apologize. Keep writing, though! Can't wait for more!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Among the hundreds of identically dressed soldiers in their plastic uniforms...

While stormtrooper armor may be made of an advanced polymer, I'd avoid using the term 'plastic' here as this sounds odd.

"Hurry up!" yelled a squadron leader.

Infantry units are broken down in the following fasion: Brigade, battalion, company, platoon, squad and fire team. A "squadron leader" is the term given to a lieutenant colonel (Air Force) or Commander (Navy) who commands a squadron of airplanes. In this case 'Squad Leader' would be appropriate.

All in all, I think you are doing a good job at building the drama surrounding the characters, though I'd work on the delivery a little bit more. The battle you described should be gut-wrenching and tramautic. Battle is a dirty, ugly, thing. Don't be afraid to talk about the cries of the wounded and "blood spatterring a crimson spray across the perfect white armor of the stormtroopers." Your battle sounds cool, but describe it in detail, making it a truly devastating affair.

Hi!

I think Jabber and weekend_warrior covered up most of the things I was going to mention and suggest, so I'll try not to repeat!

This part was great! (Short, but good)

I think you're improving on how you're characterizing Vader.

Also, explore Jens Tsudari (I don't exactly remember the spelling) more.

You also could use some descriptive of the battlefield, not just what is happening. Describe the terrain, Rebels falling from trees they were hiding in...I don't know what, but you need to describe that more! Then the feel of the story will be better.

~Timea