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Ch. 1: On the Hogwarts Express



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Wed Jul 25, 2007 7:46 pm
thewonderworldofnight says...



This is another draft of my other response to the epilogue. I'm actually doing chapters, which is a totally new thing for me. This is just the beginning so it's short, and it's definitely not my best writing, but I hope y'all enjoy it and comment :-)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Rosie watched as her parents disappeared from view in the leftover smoke of the Hogwarts Express. She gripped the side of her window seat, trying to keep the stir of emotions inside. “Pretty soon you’ll have your first missions, Sampson,” she murmured to the barn owl in the cage next to her, noticing the riot he was making at having been enslaved so. She shirked back in her seat at the sight of his glaring green eyes.

“May I join you?”

Rosie jumped, having been lost in thought, her focus on the landscapes emerging out the window. She turned to see a pale boy her age, tall and thin, his fine light-brown hair almost covering his intense blue eyes.

“If you wish,” Rosie said casually, though inside her heart pounded wildly; she had always been strange and shy and had never found friends in her Muggle school who could accept her, and she knew this was because they had seen during the few times her emotions controlled her magic instead of vice-versa. Rosie tugged at her Muggle’s clothes as the boy sat down across from her and took his wand out from its hidden place within his newly-made robes, slowly twirling it between his fingers. When he noticed Rosie watching him with keen eyes, he hastily shoved the stick back into his robes, blushed slightly, and looked away.

“What? Do I have somethin’ on my face?” the boy asked, rubbing around his face gingerly. Rosie rolled her eyes and looked away and he got the message, slowly dropping his hands from his face.

“Who are you anyway?” the boy asked, furrowing his brows.

“Rosie,” Rosie said, still not looking at him. Her face suddenly flushed with some color and she turned to look at him, trying to make what came next sound casual instead of insulting. “You’re the Malfoy boy, right? Smith or something?” The boy nodded, his eyes still on her face. “I’m not supposed to talk to you, so if you would please…”

“Why not?” the boy asked defensively, “I won’t hurt you! How can you know you don’t like me when you don’t even know my name?!” The boy ran his fingers through his hair, which quickly took its original neat form on top of his head after contact. “Well it’s Scorpio; does no one know my name?! I’m not my father, you now,” he added quickly, hoping to reassure her.

“Please, I shouldn’t be—”

“But you are, aren’t you?” Scorpio interjected quickly. “Come now, your dad may not like me because I’m a Malfoy, but your mum isn’t like that, is she? And besides, our dads aren’t here now, are they?” Lily shifted uncomfortably in her seat at the thought of disobedience; she had always been her father’s girl, never been so negative as the Malfoy boy was now.

“I guess not…”

“Good,” Scorpio said quickly, “Have you thought about which house you’ll be in? I’m guessing you want to be in Gryffindor like your mum and dad—”

“Cousin! There you are!” Albus exclaimed entering the cabin, happy at having discovered a friendly face, though freezing at the sight of Scorpio. “Who’re you?”

Scorpio looked up serenely at him, relief expressed in his eyes at not having been called “Draco Malfoy’s son” or “the Malfoy boy” as he usually was at the cost of his father’s celebrity at having been Harry Potter’s enemy in their Hogwarts years.

“Al, this is Scorpio Malfoy, Draco’s son,” Rosie said before Scorpio could get a word in. Scorpio blushed furiously, looking out the window so as to hide his flushed face from Albus.

“Oh. Alright,” Albus said casually, sitting down beside Rosie. Rosie’s eyes widened at Albus in disbelief of her cousin’s ignorance that Scorpio was his father’s enemy, grandson of the hated Death Eater Lucius Malfoy. Scorpio composed himself and smiled over at Albus.

“D’you reckon we’ll be in the same House, erm…what’s your name?” Scorpio asked, his face still lightly blotched with color.

“Albus Severus Potter,” Albus said with a grin, “Dunno ‘bout you, mate, but I want to be in Gryffindor. My dad told me we had some choice,” he added, hoping to impress his new friend. Scorpio just stared for a moment; Potter’s son, son of “The Boy Who Lived”, who defeated the Dark Lord Voldemort. He forced his eyes off this boy who so resembled his hero father except for, of course, the lightning-shaped scar Albus’ father Harry bore as a symbol of the loss he had experienced soon after his first birthday from Lord Voldemort as well as a symbol of he who had saved the wizarding world from the evil of Voldemort and his famous Death Eaters. Awkward silence passed through the compartment. Scorpio pulled out the new September edition of Quiddich Today and pretended to be reading. Albus had taken note of it.

“They aren’t letting that old bloke Viktor Krum back in the game, are they?” Albus asked conversationally, “He’s around my dad’s age!”

“He was a pretty good Seeker in his day, though,” Scorpio said looking over the magazine at Albus, “But it must be hard to let go of somethin’ you love like that.”

“I s’pose,” Albus replied thoughtfully. Lily still sat by his side, looking out the window with an empty stare. “Lily?” She did not respond. Albus waved a hand in front of her eyes. She did not blink, but sat still and as responsive as though in a trace. “Lily!”

“She’s coming right now,” Lily said tonelessly, “The unknown daughter.” Albus and Scorpio just stared at her; they knew she was not really there with them, knew Lily was having a vision of some sort.

“’Lo,” said a female voice, and Albus and Scorpio jumped and, a moment later, found themselves clinging to each other like children. A young woman stood at the entrance of their compartment, long dark curls hanging loosely around her shoulders and back, her eyes black as coal. She seemed tiny, though the passiveness in her face and her expression showed her to be older than them, perhaps a teacher or a student in her seventh year. Albus felt Lily stir back to a more conscious state, though he could not take his eyes from the dark woman in the doorway. She did not seem to notice nor did care that all eyes were on her, meeting Albus’ gaze expressionlessly, then gave them all a strange sort of smile as she strode into the room, taking a seat next to Scorpio. Moments passed in silence and awe, that Lily should see her coming without sight.

As if answering their unsaid question, the newcomer said beamingly, “I’m Selene; Selene Black.”
'"Many years ago, when I was young, I saw a fire, and what looked like death-- and beyond that, in the dark places, something...or some One, who knew me. Shall I at last find my way back to that wonderworld of Night?"'
  





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Wed Aug 01, 2007 6:20 pm
flowerchild says...



Wow. that was great. Selene Black. that ending was awesome. please write more. the only thing was that you switched from Lily and Rosie on and off.
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Fri Aug 03, 2007 2:14 pm
Pidgin_Princess says...



Yeah, that was great! Your writing style matched that of the book, so I almost forgot this wasn't part of it!

You do need to make up your mind whether this is Lily or Rosie, though. I lost track.

Also, this passage was confusing:

“Albus Severus Potter,” Albus said with a grin, “Dunno ‘bout you, mate, but I want to be in Gryffindor. My dad told me we had some choice,” he added, hoping to impress his new friend. Scorpio just stared for a moment; Potter’s son, son of “The Boy Who Lived”, who defeated the Dark Lord Voldemort. He forced his eyes off this boy who so resembled his hero father except for, of course, the lightning-shaped scar Albus’ father Harry bore as a symbol of the loss he had experienced soon after his first birthday from Lord Voldemort as well as a symbol of he who had saved the wizarding world from the evil of Voldemort and his famous Death Eaters...

it's just one looooooooooooooooooooooong sentence. Try chopping it up a bit. My eyes started glazing over after the second line.

Keep up the good work! if that's all I have to say for something, you know it's good!
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Thu Aug 09, 2007 3:09 pm
Lynlyn says...



Aw, this is cute. I'm happy to see that people are already experimenting with the Epilogue characters - I'm glad that Jo left it open for us. I think in a way she did it on purpose. :3

To start, here are a few things that I'd like to point out:

thewonderworldofnight wrote: “Pretty soon you’ll have your first missions, Sampson,” she murmured to the barn owl in the cage next to her, noticing the riot he was making at having been enslaved so.


This sentence sounds a little awkward to me, I think it's because I'm expecting something to come after the "so," like "so mercilessly" (not that particular phrase, but you know what I mean).


Rosie jumped, having been lost in thought, her focus on the landscapes emerging out the window.


Okay, this sentence is kind of unclear. First, I'm not sure if you meant that her focus was emerging or if the landscapes were emerging - naturally it will be clear to you since you wrote it, but if you look at it, it could be read either way.

To me the word "emerging" denotes something that was previously hidden coming into view or into light. If emerging is referring to "focus," I think it's a rather unconventional usage of the word, since a person is always (in theory) focusing on one thing or another, and focus is not really a tangible thing that goes out windows. If it's talking about the landscapes (which I think it is?) then the "emerging out the window" could perhaps be altered, because it makes it sound like the landscapes are actually traveling through the window of the train to the outside. It's difficult to explain what I mean, because I'm not exactly sure how this sentence is supposed to read.


“If you wish,” Rosie said casually, though inside her heart pounded wildly; she had always been strange and shy and had never found friends in her Muggle school who could accept her, and she knew this was because they had seen during the few times her emotions controlled her magic instead of vice-versa.

Grammatically, this works, but it's a very long sentence.


Rosie rolled her eyes and looked away and he got the message, slowly dropping his hands from his face.

Same thing here, try reading this aloud. Maybe try adding a semicolon here, or split the sentence into two parts - it's just better to avoid having a recurring conjunction like "and" unless you're doing in purposely for (usually humorous) effect - eg "He huffed and he puffed and he blew the house down".


“Who are you anyway?” the boy asked, furrowing his brows.

I'm not entirely sure if there's a valid grammatical rule behind this, but my brain really wants to put a comma between "you" and "anyway".


“Why not?” the boy asked defensively, “I won’t hurt you! How can you know you don’t like me when you don’t even know my name?!”

I don't think you need the question mark AND the exclamation mark - if you're writing dialogue with a strong emotional impact, the question's tone will come across without a !!! at the end.

Lily shifted uncomfortably in her seat at the thought of disobedience; she had always been her father’s girl, never been so negative as the Malfoy boy was now.

First off - where did Lily come from? Are Lily AND Rosie here, or did you swap characters halfway through? I'm more than a little confused.


“Cousin! There you are!” Albus exclaimed

Okay, now I'm REALLY confused. It would have to be Rose - Lily wouldn't be his cousin.

He forced his eyes off this boy who so resembled his hero father except for, of course, the lightning-shaped scar Albus’ father Harry bore as a symbol of the loss he had experienced soon after his first birthday from Lord Voldemort as well as a symbol of he who had saved the wizarding world from the evil of Voldemort and his famous Death Eaters.

Yeah. That's all one sentence.


“They aren’t letting that old bloke Viktor Krum back in the game, are they?” Albus asked conversationally, “He’s around my dad’s age!”

This is cute. I like how you've introduced this topic, I think it's a good example of what they would probably talk about.


“I s’pose,” Albus replied thoughtfully. Lily still sat by his side, looking out the window with an empty stare. “Lily?” She did not respond.

Maybe because she's Rosie XD XD Or she was two minutes ago!

“She’s coming right now,” Lily said tonelessly, “The unknown daughter.” Albus and Scorpio just stared at her; they knew she was not really there with them, knew Lily was having a vision of some sort.

Is this usual, then? It sort of makes it sound like this is something that happens a lot, judging from their reaction.

“’Lo,” said a female voice, and Albus and Scorpio jumped and, a moment later, found themselves clinging to each other like children.

Two things: First, from your description, Selene doesn't doesn't sound as much frightening as sort of... someone who demands awe and respect. Therefore I'm not sure why Albus and Scorpio were scared enough to cling to each other, just because some long-lost relative (daughter?) of Sirius black flung open the doors. Secondly, they ARE children if they're first-year students, so comparing them to children is kind of a questionable simile.

Over all, I like your interpretations of these characters, but you REALLY need to decide if you're writing about Rose or Lily. If you decide to swap a character or a character's name, use Find > Replace (most word processors I've used have that option) to make sure that you catch all of the instances, then have someone proofread it. That was really the main problem I noticed; other than that it's just those few grammatical nitpicks and verbose sentences. Reading your story out loud would help this. Good work, dearie!
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Sat Aug 11, 2007 2:52 pm
Meep says...



Scorpius. I mentioned this in your last draft, I think: Draco Malfoy's son is named Scorpius. With a "us," not an "o." Now that I've gotten that out of the way ...

I really hate to do this, but I think you need to take a look at the Mary Sue Litmus Test, just in case. I know Selene isn't in the name section, but it should be: Selene, Serenity, Serena, etc., etc, are classic Mary Sue names, which is why this sent up a little red flag in my mind.

Now, original characters can be interesting and not Mary Sues, but a name like Selene Black makes me worry and wonder, probably because I am a longtime reader of "pottersues" on LiveJournal.

This is compounded by Lily's ... prediction? prophecy? (If you remember Trelawny's prophecy, her voice got all deep and harsh; not at all toneless. I'm assuming that's how prophecies go in Potterverse.) I mean "the unknown daughter"? It just sounds ... Sueish, you know?

Please don't let her be Sirius's long lost daughter or something; that, I think, would just be too much. There are enough Blacks running around that she could just be his second cousin, once removed or something ... at least, I hope that's the case.
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