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Chapter 6 - Mission (Part 4)



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Sat Jul 07, 2007 3:04 am
AyumiGosu17 says...



((Chapter 6 - Mission (Part 4)))

She looked towards the tree line beside her when she heard someone step down. Realizing she had let the Byakuugan fade away, she couldn’t recognize her visitor. (Just…how long have they been standing there?)

Emi strode from the forest, concern written over a solemn expression. “Are you okay?”

Ayumi nodded, biting her lip. The tears kept threatening to fall. “Yeah.”

Kakashi soon appeared from the shadows as well, and Ayumi lost control of her emotions. Noticing, Emi reached out to her, and the cousins embraced.

“I’m sorry I bailed,” Ayumi mumbled, crying.

Emi released her, keeping her hands on Ayumi’s shoulders. “Don’t worry about it. Now, we need to get back. C’mon.”

Ayumi let Emi steer her into the trees. When she felt they were far enough away from Kakashi, Ayumi looked at her cousin.

“How much did you see?” she kept her voice down, wiping her eyes.

Emi smiled. “Enough.” She waved for Kakashi to follow. Ayumi blushed; she knew what Emi meant…she’d seen them kiss.

She waved that matter aside. She could tell her about their relationship later. Now, she had to worry about Yugao…

“Yugao's not mad, is she?” Ayumi asked timidly.

“I wouldn’t know,” Emi and Kakashi shrugged. “We’ll have to find out when we get back.”

Ayumi leapt after Emi, leaving Kakashi behind again. (She’s my cousin. She has the right to know.) “When I explain my actions to Yugao, I want you there as well. But no one else.”

Emi didn’t look at Ayumi, but she nodded. Emi then slowed her pace until Kakashi was by her side. Ayumi sped ahead, trying to think of what she could say to Yugao. Could she hint towards their relationship, or would that endanger her freedom? He may be a missing-nin, but would they think of her as one, too? (Such trouble come from an innocent relationship! I hope she’ll understand.) Before she realized it, she was back at the site of their battle, and Yugao was waiting for her.

As Kakashi left for Asuma, the two girls approached Yugao. The woman didn’t seem to be angry…

“What happened?” she asked patiently.

“Yugao, I – ” Ayumi was going to apologize, but Emi cut her off.

“The Akatsuki disappeared. We don’t know where they went.”

“What about you, Ayumi? You froze and ran off. Are you okay?”

Ayumi opened her mouth to speak again, but Emi interrupted.

“She’s a little shaken up,” Emi stated, “and I don’t think she feels like speaking.”

Ayumi bit her tongue. (That little wench! She forcing me to lie!)

“I see,” Yugao seemed to understand.

“We plan on returning to Konoha, soon. What are you going to do?”

“We’ll also return to Konoha and investigate the Akatsuki’s whereabouts.”
Ayumi followed her cousin. Emi led her back to the battle area before stopping to talk to her.

“You need to be careful what you tell people, Ayumi,” she began mildly. “Information like your relationship with Itachi should be taken into council with the Hokage before anything else is done.”

Emi pulled a not from her pack, holding it out to Ayumi. “Things like this need friendly guidance.”

Ayumi unfolded the piece of paper, staring at the picture for a moment. “What is this?”

“One night, Kabuto came to me and told me Orochimaru wanted me to lead the Sound Five. He said that if I declined, Orochimaru would place a curse seal on you.” Emi took the note back from Ayumi. “Curse seals are place with venom. When Orochimaru bit me, I extracted the venom before it could spread. Kabuto said he’d come for my answer.”

Ayumi swallowed, an old hatred rising in her gut. “I know what his curse seals are. He nearly gave me one three years ago.”

Nearly?”

“He missed the main artery in my neck. It never really spread through my body.”

“That was lucky, but what am I supposed to do? I can’t chance him succeeding.”

Ayumi raised an eyebrow. “If Orochimaru fears Itachi, he should fear me. He’s bluffing!”

“As long as you can take care of yourself. On the subject of Itachi, I received another message from the Akatsuki. They asked me to join and help them.”

“Help them? With what?”

“Some mission, they’re confidential people and have a way with offers.” She absentmindely rubbed her side, reminding Ayumi of her shoulder where Itachi had stabbed her. She had completely forgotten about it despite the constant, dull pain.

“I think Kisame said something about the tailed beasts.”

Ayumi falter, stammering as she realized what was happening. (That was a vision! Itachi does know about the Shukaku! He lied to me, again!) Her temper rose rapidly, and it must have been noticeable. Emi leaned away, slightly frightened. “What?”

“He lied to me…” Ayumi mumbled. “And that was a vision!”

“What are you talking about?” Emi was even more bewildered.

“I had a dream last night, involving Itachi and the Shukaku.”

“Shukaku?”

“I’m not sure why they fought, but Itachi was badly wounded and collapsed, bleeding profusely! Then, just back in the woods, he told me he didn’t know who the Shukaku was!”

“That’s either really sweet,” Emi smirked, “or extremely stupid.”

“I doubt stupid…but still!” Ayumi paced, trying to calm down before she lost control of herself.

“Calm down, he obviously didn’t want you to worry.” Emi shook her head after a moment. She then turned to Kakashi and Asuma. “I’m going to talk to the Hokage to find out what he wants me to do about all this.”

Ayumi had kept a hold of herself. “I, too, must talk to the Hokage…but why, I’ll not mention here.” She moved to go back to camp.

Emi stepped even with her cousin, catching her arm. “Thanks, Ayumi, for being here for me.”

Ayumi smiled, putting an arm behind Emi’s shoulders. “I should thank you! But…I want to spend the next two weeks on my own so I can prepare for the Chuunin exams. I’ll call if I change my mind!” She thought about Itachi. “Or help.”

“What? Or help? What’s that mean?” Emi was confused again.

Ayumi realized she had rambled. “I have a feeling Itachi will be visiting sooner than expected…but he won’t be seeing me to check on me.” She thought about a better explanation. “I think he’ll get hurt over the next few days.” (After all, my visions become realities within a week’s time. Haku proved that to me.)

“I’ll pretend that made sense. I suppose only you can understand it.” Emi laughed a little, smiling. “I’m afraid to confuse me more and more every time you say something.”

Ayumi smiled, retiring her efforts to explain. “Sorry. How about I just call?”

“You do that.” They laughed, both of them grinning broadly. Ayumi was happy she could talk to Emi, now, and not worry about kunai flying. She was reunited with her only living relative, after having no known family she could reach for seven years.

“Let’s go,” Ayumi walked with her cousin, ready to go back to Konoha.

“You should see my house,” Emi suddenly blurted.

Ayumi smirked. “You should see my apartment.”

“Oh yeah? I live in the Nidaime’s mansion.”

Ayumi bit her lip. “Dang, you win! But my apartment balcony lets me see the entire area!”

“Mine too! And a lovely view of the dreaded sunset.”

Ayumi giggled, knowing that Emi was teasing. “At least the sunshine doesn’t wake me anymore!” Ayumi stuck her tongue out.

“Oh, how I’d love to wake up to that!”

The two girls continued to tease and compete as they walked.
"Neglect not the gift that is in thee, which was given thee by prophecy, with the laying on of the hands of the presbytery." Timothy 4:14 KJV
  





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Wed Jul 11, 2007 11:11 pm
PsychicNinja says...



Hi Audra!

Okay this next part...

Well just a few things:

It was really good. I think it breaks up the tension between Emi and Ayumi.
Good character interplay there.

I don't think this is a problem, just a suggestion.
If I were the team captain, I would want to know a little more about what just happened with one of my team members. So maybe Yugao should of questioned Emi and Ayumi a little more. Just a suggestion.

Good job, I'm looking forward to the rest!

:D :D :D :) :lol:

~Timea
"Look, Ma. No hands"
"You haven't got a ma."
"Maybe a nice old lady will adopt me. I'm very loveable."
―Fi and Darman
  





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Sat Aug 18, 2007 9:45 pm
AyumiGosu17 says...



Okay, people, I'm sorry to do this to you...

But I'm starting over. I am completely redoing the whole story; just by reading it and the responses I have gotten, I realize how "Mary Sue" Ayumi is and how innaccurate Itachi is.

Sorry, but the new posts will be titled Ayumi and co-titled...whatever the chapter/part is.
"Neglect not the gift that is in thee, which was given thee by prophecy, with the laying on of the hands of the presbytery." Timothy 4:14 KJV
  





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Gender: Female
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Tue Jan 08, 2008 4:37 am
PsychicNinja says...



Ya know, I totally missed this when I first started re-critting these posts, Audra..but I critted them anyway, so you can probably take a few hints or tips from there. Sorry to be a little harsh on you! ^_^
I tend to do more in-depth crits for something I happen to know a lot about.

-Timea
"Look, Ma. No hands"
"You haven't got a ma."
"Maybe a nice old lady will adopt me. I'm very loveable."
―Fi and Darman
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 195
Tue Jan 08, 2008 5:20 am
PsychicNinja says...



Konbanwa, Audra-chan.

Here to comment on the last part of your first..draft?..of Ayumi. I'll get to critting your reworked story after this ^_^:

Realizing she had let the Byakuugan fade away, she couldn’t recognize her visitor.


Even without Byakuugan, a really good ninja would probably guess or know who's coming. ^^

Kakashi soon appeared from the shadows as well, and Ayumi lost control of her emotions. Noticing, Emi reached out to her, and the cousins embraced.


One word: Ninja...
Actually, three more words: Really good ninja...
And two more words: No emotion...

Could she hint towards their relationship, or would that endanger her freedom?


Two things:

Emi is a supposedly a ninja loyal to the Leaf Village now. Shouldn't see really report in that Ayumi...another ninja supposedly loyal to the Leaf Village was with an S-class criminal. Top of the most wanted list.

And, was Ayumi going to tell Yugao about Itachi-kun? That would have made things seriously bad!!

Ayumi bit her tongue. (That little wench! She forcing me to lie!)


In this situation, it's not really forcing...it's something that necessary.

“One night, Kabuto came to me and told me Orochimaru wanted me to lead the Sound Five. He said that if I declined, Orochimaru would place a curse seal on you.” Emi took the note back from Ayumi. “Curse seals are place with venom. When Orochimaru bit me, I extracted the venom before it could spread. Kabuto said he’d come for my answer.”


....I'm not going to even begin to comment on how absurd this is..just absurd, Audra, sorry....


I know what his curse seals are. He nearly gave me one three years ago.”

“Nearly?”

“He missed the main artery in my neck. It never really spread through my body.”


This doesn't make sense either. It's not like he could 'miss'. A curse mark could be placed anywhere on the body...and Orochimaru just goes for the neck because....it's the most vital at the moment. ^^

“As long as you can take care of yourself. On the subject of Itachi, I received another message from the Akatsuki. They asked me to join and help them.”

“Help them? With what?”


Okay, this whole conversation between Ayumi and Emi is completely confusing. I have no idea what's going on, why Emi's suddenly telling her this...and they Akatsuki basically only asks and tells ninja who belong to that group.

(After all, my visions become realities within a week’s time. Haku proved that to me.)


I don't know if you should state that it's a definite 'week's time' that it would happen...

“Oh yeah? I live in the Nidaime’s mansion.”


Hehe, I believe this to be another factual error...if I'm not mistaken. (Did you find this out for a fact?)
All the Hokage have lived in the "Hokage's Mansion". They're ninja, not actors, so they really don't need mansions and such. ^^

_______________________________________________________________________

Okay, this part had major factual problems..but I'm really glad you're restarting!!!

~the [s]great[/s] Psychic Ninja, Timea
"Look, Ma. No hands"
"You haven't got a ma."
"Maybe a nice old lady will adopt me. I'm very loveable."
―Fi and Darman
  








I want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees.
— Pablo Neruda