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Chapter 5 Part 2



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Mon Jun 18, 2007 4:26 pm
AyumiGosu17 says...



This is the old version. The new version is much more accurate and understandable. It is titled "Ayumi."

((This is Part 2 of Chapter 5 - Return to the Leaves))

Ayumi hated to interrupt a class, but she needed to talk to Iruka. She raised her hand, curling it into a loose fist, and knocked on the door. She heard Iruka acknowledge her from across a large room.

She opened the door to a large classroom full of children, each between seven and ten years of age. Most of them were reading out of their textbooks, and others were copying script from the black board. What few that did neither peered curiously at Ayumi.

She walked toward Iruka, who sat at a desk at the back of the room. She noticed that the seats where the students were was divided into different levels, each progressing tier lower than the previous one. There were about six tiers in all.

She leaned on his desk. “I’m sorry I’m disturbing your class.”

“Don’t be sorry. It’s alright. Are you ready to start the program?”

“Yes, I am. Where should I sit?”

“We’re going to a different room. These guys can get a bit unruly.” He picked up a stack of papers perhaps a foot thick and stood. Her scanned the room one last time.

“I’m going out of the room for a few minutes, children. Stay in your seat, be quiet, and finish the section review on page four-thirty-seven. I’ll look to see how much you’ve completed when I get back.”

Ayumi followed him up the levels, out the door, and down the hall. Ayumi counted the doors they passed until finally he led her into a smaller room. Ayumi sat in one of the front row seats as Iruka put the stacks of paper down and turned on the lights.

He moved the stack to the desk Ayumi had claimed. “This is a test,” he explained. “I’ll need you to take it so I, well we, can see how much you already know. Take as long as you need, and hand it back to me at the end of the day.”

Ayumi thumbed through the papers. All of this…was a test? She doubted it would be complicated, but nonetheless it would take her a while.

Ayumi picked up a pen and read the first question. It was simple, and the answer was just common sense. She went through the test, answering the ones she knew. She didn’t even remember when Iruka left the room. Only when she finished the last page of the test did she realize she was alone.

She picked up the stack of papers with stiff fingers and made her way from the room. She walked down the hall to the classroom she had first entered. Iruka was seated at his desk, alone. The children had left already.

“Iruka?” Ayumi asked.

He looked up from his paperwork. “You finished?”

“Yes, and my hand is killing me!”

He laughed. “I bet! It’s four years worth of material you should know.”

Ayumi nodded as she heard the faint creaking of a door being opened.

Someone stepped across the threshold and stopped on the first tier. Ayumi listened carefully as Iruka stared past her.

“Ayumi…” was the faint word that made her turn her head.

Ayumi gasped; she could feel tears of happiness start to flow from her eyes. There, in the doorway at the top of the tiered seats, was Emi Sukotto.

Emi was the first to move. She hurried down the steps, and they embraced. Ayumi held her cousin as tightly as she could; she couldn’t believe it!

Finally, after so many brief and befuddling encounters, they could spend time together properly.

“I’ve missed you so much!” Emi wept, smiling.

“I have missed you, too,” Ayumi let go of her.

They looked at each other, still crying, and smiled. Ayumi noticed she was taller…

“We have a lot to catch up on,” Emi wiped her eyes.

“That we do.” (You have no idea!)

They grinned broadly, tears still falling, and embraced again.



They stood outside in one of the courtyards, both bursting with excitement. They could barely contain their joy as they discussed the test.

Ayumi had so many questions, as she was sure Emi did, and she was impatient to ask them. Ayumi was about to open her mouth to speak, but Emi beat her to it…

A growling stomach silenced them. Ayumi then remembered she hadn’t eaten breakfast and she had worked extremely hard since.

“You up for lunch?” Emi asked. It had been her stomach.

“Sure, I’m starved!” Ayumi tried not to bounce in her joy of seeing Emi as well as getting lunch…Haku’s face appeared in her mind, and a voice tugged at her heart. (Why are you so happy when your only family is dead?) Ayumi tried to hide her pain and sorrow before Emi noticed.

“After we eat,” Emi began, “I’ll introduce you to the gang.” As Emi began to lead her away, Ayumi’s thoughts raced again. (The gang? Who all has she made friends with? How long has she been here? And even better, where’s
her dearest?)
After a moment, she followed.

Emi took her to a Ramen shop that was obviously popular. Two people were already seated and enjoying lunch. The girls parted the curtains of the shop, stepping up to the counter. Ayumi couldn’t help but note that the two customers were Sasuke and Naruto.

Emi perked up. “Hey, guys!”

The boys turned to look at them. Ayumi locked gazes with Naruto; his careless smirk was quickly wiped away by a look of sheer horror. He tried to get up and get away from her, but he tripped on his stool.

Sakura entered and noticed. “Don’t be such a baby, Naruto!” Her eyes settled on Sasuke, and she was by his side and claiming the now vacant seat. Naruto moved quickly to the opposite side of the shop, trying to keep from meeting anyone’s eyes.

“Hey, Sasuke?” Naruto asked sheepishly. “Could you pass me my ramen?”

Sasuke didn’t answer, but slid the bowl to him.

Emi whirled on Ayumi. She braced herself for the inevitable question. “What did you do?!”

Ayumi took a seat, trying to find a way out of the conversation. “You don’t want to know.” She knew Emi was watching her.

I’m naturally curious, so I do want to know,” Emi continued. A hint of authority hardened her voice.

“I’d rather not talk about it; I might blow up again,” Ayumi said as firmly as she could. Emi, obviously giving up her pursuit of the subject, sat down between her cousin and Sasuke.

Ayumi and Emi ordered ramen of their favorite flavors, then Emi started talking again.

“Have you met Sasuke and Naruto? Well, you’ve obviously met Naruto, but what about Sasuke and Sakura?”

“I’ve met her,” Sakura looked up, smiling.

Ayumi nodded. “She spent some time with me in my apartment.”

“I see,” Emi nodded in turn. “Well, this is Sasuke Uchiha” – Ayumi muffled a gasp. (Uchiha?) – “Father and Mother used to take me to visit the clan as you probably know.”

Ayumi was silent and started picking at her fingers. (So, Itachi’s brother? Great! Even more secrets.) Ayumi knew Emi had heard her gasp, just as she was sure Emi was thinking about them…about specifically what, she did not know.

Ayumi jumped when Emi spat out another question. “Have you heard any news about Haku?”

Ayumi’s heart froze. She set down her bowl and rose. She left without a word as Haku’s face invaded her mind. She fought the tears back as she walked down the street, away.

When she turned the corner, she realized where she was going. The K.I.A. Memorial Park, again. Kakashi fell in step beside her.

“Hey, there,” he waved kindly.

“Hey,” Ayumi mumbled.

“Are you okay? You don’t look too happy.”

Ayumi glared at him. “What do you care?”

That stung. Ayumi could see it in his single visible eye. He grasped her arm firmly, forcing her to halt with him. He stared at her as if he knew how she felt…

“I know losing someone you love is hard to accept, but you can’t keep dwelling on it! I don’t care if you blame me for his death, but I do care about anyone close to me or Emi.”

Ayumi was silent. “Wait a minute. Do you love her?”

Kakashi blushed beneath his mask, but couldn’t conceal it before Ayumi noticed. She smiled broadly. “You do!”

He freed her, using that hand to scratch the back of his neck. He lightly chuckled when Ayumi tried to keep from giggling.

She shrugged, smile slowly fading. “You talk as if you know what I’m dealing with?”

“Because I do. My father committed suicide, and my best friend was killed shortly afterwards.”

Ayumi looked at the ground. “I guess you do…I’m sorry I overreacted.” She glanced at him. “I didn’t…hurt you yesterday, did I?”

Kakashi’s smile was faint beneath his mask. “It’s understandable. You’re young and going through a hard time! You only gave me a long headache, but it’s all right.”

Ayumi nodded, extending her right hand as a sign of friendship. (I do owe him.) “We cool?”

He took it, nodding firmly. “Yes.”

The sound of footsteps behind him diverted their gazes. Ayumi looked around Kakashi, for his shoulder was too high for her to see over, to see Emi approaching. Ayumi continued to watch as Emi and Kakashi embraced, and her mind wandered. She remembered her tender moments with Itachi, and she realized she missed him already.

Eyes closed and laying her head on Kakashi’s chest, Emi smirked, getting sarcastic. “You’d better get to a training ground, Ayumi.”

Ayumi’s mind was blank. “Why?”

“I’ve been waiting for an eligible sparring partner, and you’re at the top of the list.” Emi smiled at Kakashi before pulling free of him, then beckoned to Ayumi. “Follow me.”

Ayumi followed Emi at a run, Kakashi on her heels. Ayumi couldn’t help but smile when she noticed that there was a river dividing the grounds the blonde chose.

Ayumi and Kakashi touched down behind Emi, noticing a group of three ANBU ninja. Emi gestured to Kakashi. “They were looking for you.” He nodded and approached the ninja, conversing with them inaudibly before waving and disappearing.

“I wonder what that was about,” Ayumi mused.

“If it inquired ANBU, it’s something big,” Emi mumbled.

“Or it’s something top secret, like a meeting to choose someone else to go on the mission,” Ayumi said cheerfully, hoping it would brighten Emi’s mood. She shrugged. “I’m sure it’s all right.”

“Your guard’s down,” Emi blurted.

“What?” Ayumi was bewildered until she saw Emi spin towards her, slinging a fist for her. Ayumi countered the blow at the last second.

“You sneak! En garde!” Ayumi laughed, lunging to strike Emi in return, but the blonde darted. Ayumi raised an eyebrow. (So, she’s gotten fast? But is
she fast enough?)
A smirk parted her lips as she took off after Emi.

Ayumi watched, easily keeping up with her sparring opponent due to her long legs. Ayumi groaned when she saw Emi leap across the stones in the river until she was in the heart of it. Ayumi wanted to follow, but she knew she would be at a great disadvantage if she did. She halted on the third rock. (I go any farther, and you can forget about my chakra! I’m already having to use it just being so near to this water!)

The girls got into their stances and faced each other. Emi bent her right leg, holding the left stiff and straight in front of her. The toe was in line with Ayumi. Her right elbow was bent behind her hand, which was at her head. Her left arm she held forward, slightly bent, with her palm facing the sky.

Ayumi knew it would be wasteful to even try using her ho-hyoton with Emi so close to so much water. That gave her a good enough excuse to use her Taijutsu techniques, which were her favorite. (Taijutsu will have to do. It’s where I’m the strongest, anyway! Just, will Emi be able to keep up with me?) Confident in her abilities, Ayumi leapt clean across the gap between her and Emi, fist rocketing for Emi’s stomach.

Emi spun away from her, reaching to kick Ayumi in the center of her back. Reflexes sharpening, Ayumi caught the speeding ankle, but her grip was broken when Emi twisted her entire body towards Ayumi’s thumb. (Damn! She broke free!)

Emi stepped on the next rock, preparing to attack. “Alligator Roll Escape, my favorite Taijutsu hold-breaker.”

Ayumi braced herself, crossing her arms, as Emi bolted, curling her fist as if
to punch. Ayumi waited.

(All right, once she punches, I can use my signature move - )

Ayumi gasped when Emi changed directions, flipping over in midair so that her foot slipped between Ayumi’s guard and chest. (What?!) Ayumi leaned back just in time; Emi’s toe breezed by Ayumi’s chin, letting Ayumi take hold of her ankle one more time.

Ayumi grinned when she found that Emi was standing on her hands, body bent. Perfect. Ayumi gripped Emi’s ankle tighter, spinning on her heel so quickly that Emi was slung across the river. Ayumi snapped while Emi was still in midair, and a great inferno shrouded the blonde ninja. “Dragon’s Judgment!”

Ayumi smiled, but it faded when she realized Emi had misted. She waited, sure that the girl had gone underwater.

A loud splash drew Ayumi’s attention. A large blade of water was flying through the air towards her, Emi submerging in the river. Ayumi didn’t let that worry her; she made a closed fist, pointed with the first two fingers, and waved. A wall of fire exploded from her gauntlet and streamed in front of her, following her gesture. It became a shield against Emi’s attack.

Ayumi continued to look around, eyes darting for any sign of Emi. The water was too murky for her to see into it, but somehow she knew Emi was near.

Intense cold and pressure about her ankles and feet startled her. She instantly looked down to find a thick patch of ice rooting her to the stone. “What the – ”

Four beams towered from the water around her, dragons’ heads, forelegs, and fins molding from them. Ayumi focused her chakra, ready to use her own jutsu, as Emi, who now stood on the surface of the water with her palms to the sky, brought down her hands in a rush. As if they were obedient dogs, the water dragons dove at Ayumi. “Water Dragon Strike!”

Ayumi acted. She released the chakra as she was drenched, and a funnel of flame spun rapidly around her. Fueled by her chakra, the funnel grew in size and in temperature, melting the ice around her feet. Ayumi gestured at Emi, and the funnel charged with incredible speed. “Funnel of Fire!”

Emi dropped into the water just before it struck her, slightly annoying Ayumi. She let go of the jutsu, only to see fifty copies of Emi emerge from the river.

“Ice Clone Jutsu,” the clones replied simultaneously. “I perfected it in Sound, but you left before I could show you.”

Ayumi smirked. “Impressive. I’ve learned a thing or two myself, since I left.” Ayumi closed her eyes, silently bringing forth her Byakuugan as she released another surge of chakra. (I’m going to make you work, now, Emi Sukotto!) More than half of that chakra went to her legs for the ultimate speed boost. She opened her eyes to see Emi doing the same, but no smile crossed her face. (It’s the real deal, now. You’re mine!)

Using her Byakuugan, Ayumi easily found the real Emi. She was right behind her. Ayumi blinked, and the other forty-nine images burst into flame, screaming in agony before disappearing. Ayumi disappeared in her own burst of flame, reappearing behind her cousin.

With a single finger, Ayumi imprisoned Emi in a whirlwind of fire before disappearing again. From the safety of the trees, Ayumi watched as a pool of water burst through a portion of her prison, collapsing it. Emi studied the area, apparently deep in thought.

(I don’t want to hurt her, but I do want to test both of our abilities. I’ve already depleted both my rings and necklaces’ chakra, so I’ll have to be careful. Just, what can I do?)

Ayumi thought about all of her jutsus and techniques, but no idea came to her. (What can I do?! Anything I use she can counter with water! How do I get around that?) Ayumi stared at the ice barrier that now surrounded Emi.
Just studying it made her uneasy. She felt she would have to face something she had never seen or heard of before. Emi was liable to do anything.

(I’ll have to save what chakra I have in case I need it. I know that much.) Ayumi closed her eyes, thinking about her strongest attacks and defenses. She could use her traps, of course. Just, would Emi see them? There was also her barriers, but even a simple water jutsu washed those away. A thought was coming to her…She concentrated. Almost there…

“Got it!” she whispered, opening her eyes. (It’ll take what chakra I have left, but it’s all I’ve got. Damn!) She looked back at where Emi’s ice barrier had been. It was gone, but Emi was still sitting where the heart of it would have been. She sat cross-legged, looking around. Ayumi stared at her eyes.

“What the hell – ” She cut off her own sentence. She desperately wanted to stop cussing. Ayumi waved the matter aside, casting the jutsu.

Fire seeped from her gauntlets, forming a ring around her. The flames leapt, growing and towering. Ayumi mumbled to herself incoherently, and three dragons seemed to mold from the fire. First came the heads, held out on long, shimmering necks. Then the chest and forelegs, body, hips, and tail. Each leg was tipped with black claws. The dragons’ hides gleamed and rippled as if they were on fire, but their eyes, crests, wings, and spines were the darkest black possible.

“Fires of Life: Dragon Birth Jutsu!”

Ayumi stood up in the circle of Fire dragons. Each stood just over seven feet in height, and they were twice as long. The dragons stared at her. “Don’t hurt Emi, but don’t get ‘killed’ yourself. For every one of you that is defeated and must return to the summons’ world – whatever that is – my chakra is halved. Now, stand still while I transform into one myself.”

Ayumi focused on her form. She gradually felt her skin grow scaly and hot, as if fire raced over her. Her shoulders and hips broadened, powerful limbs sprouting in place of her human ones. A long tail stretched behind her as her neck lengthened. Her jaw thickened and grew out to form a serpentine muzzle as her hair spiked to become the bony, dark crest of her dragon form. When she opened her eyes, she was identical to the others.

Ayumi could hear Emi walking through the underbrush. She could see her cousin was curious about the fire. Yet, the father Emi walked, the quieter she got.

Moving with inhuman silence and grace, Ayumi and the three dragons – a sow and two young bulls – separated and moved through the canopy. Being somewhat heavier and more powerful than her summons, Ayumi moved with exaggerated stealth to avoid from making the trees groan and shift.

Ayumi touched down behind Emi, not shifting a stone or twig. (San.) she called to her first dragon. (Attack from the front after I move.)

It answered with a silent nod.

Teeth bared, claws brandished, Ayumi rushed her quarry. Roaring in her mind, she swung at Emi, praying she wouldn’t hurt her too badly…

Emi turned around instantly, blocking the attack. Ayumi would have laughed if she had been human; Emi looked as if she had never seen a dragon before! Her fright was short, though, for in that instant San leapt at Emi from the other direction. She snarled when she landed headfirst against a wall of ice.

(Careful, San! Don’t let her get too close to you with that ice!) Ayumi stared at the other two when they completed the circle around Emi. (All of you.)

Emi was still, studying each dragon with her lavender Sharingan. That puzzled Ayumi again. (What is that? It looks like Sharingan, but it’s pale like Byakuugan…Is it possible she fused the two?) Emi remained in her stance, her Naginata of Water and Ice in her hand.

Ayumi lowered her head and snarled as San began to growl. Aru and Tai, the remaining two dragons, clawed at the ground, arching their necks. Aru, always the impatient and aggressive dragon, pounced for Emi.

Ayumi screamed for him to stop; she knew he would be defeated. She watched, horrified, as Emi avoided his attack, spinning as she drove her blade into him. Aru went limp as he fell to the ground.

Ayumi gasped, staggering slightly. She braced herself as a wave of dizziness swept over her. Her chakra was cut in half. (Advance, but keep your distance.) Ayumi commanded as she finally recovered from her spell.

“Perfect,” Emi spoke as her naginata curled back into the same bracelet that Emi had always worn.

Emi got in a familiar stance. The Hyuugan stance. A clone of Emi appeared beside her, and Ayumi tensed. (Oh, great! San, Tai, back off!)

“128 Hand Strike!” The two clones shot forward, attacking either dragon with a fury of slaps and punches. San and Tai partly collapsed from the force of the attacks.

(No!) Ayumi roared when Emi waved, surrounding the dazed dragons with water. The Emi’s then closed their hands into fists, freezing the water. The first two Emi’s kicked the blocks while a third one appeared in front of Ayumi. To prevent interference, Ayumi was sure.

When the ice shattered and the two dragons returned to the Summons’ World, Ayumi’s mind went blank. Eyesight somewhat black, she fell to the ground. (My chakra…it’s gone.) She let go of the transformation jutsu, and instantly her eyesight cleared.

Panting, Ayumi shakily got to her feet. (Damn! I wanted to use my ho-hyoton, but my chakra’s diminished! It’s back to Taijutsu and weapons.) Ayumi got in her stance.

Emi threw three kunai at her, giving Ayumi enough time to draw her own kunai. Ayumi smiled; she was still considerably fast. Ayumi didn’t care that night was falling, either! She was enjoying herself!

They exchanged blows and defended for hours, keeping up their ferocity. The deepening night didn’t faze them, and they continued to spar. Ayumi realized how tired she was getting, and she smiled when she noticed Emi was also slowing down, breathing heavily, and drenched with sweat. At least Ayumi had gotten her away from the river…

They were able to block each other one last, feeble time before their bodies gave out simultaneously. The last thing Ayumi remembered was watching Emi fall with her to lie unconscious on the ground.

The moon shone at its peak.
Last edited by AyumiGosu17 on Sun Jan 06, 2008 10:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"Neglect not the gift that is in thee, which was given thee by prophecy, with the laying on of the hands of the presbytery." Timothy 4:14 KJV
  





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Mon Jun 18, 2007 6:13 pm
Sumi H. Inkblot says...



One word: here.


Check back with me once you've completed this and given it some thought, won't you? :)
ohmeohmy
  





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Sat Jun 23, 2007 6:59 pm
Dynamo says...



It looks like you worked hard on the fight scene, though I have to admit I hazed in and out while reading it so I didn't pick up many fine details. (I have ADHD so it's hard for me to focus without taking my medication.) The fight scene is a little more lengthy than it needs to be I think, in the future you should think about shortening them. If you get the chance to read some of my work you should take the time to look at the length of each fight, not too long yet they have enough to add a little "umph" to the story.
Chicken <-- Egg <-- Rocket Powered Fist
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Mon Jun 25, 2007 1:22 am
PsychicNinja says...



I love it, Audra!
I love the different techiniques you show! It kinda all sums up the techiniques they developed! Ya know...I think next time I'll just skip over all the Emi and Kakashi parts! But I won't comment on that! (I seriously need to write my own fanfic with Kakashi)
But anyways..I really love the detail and stuff!
*sighs* and don't let Sumi bother you with the marysue stuff, Audra... :roll:
I really love Ayumi, ok. And remember, my character is an even bigger marysue!
Keep up the character interplay!
~Timea :D :D
PM me when the next part is up!
"Look, Ma. No hands"
"You haven't got a ma."
"Maybe a nice old lady will adopt me. I'm very loveable."
―Fi and Darman
  





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Sat Jan 05, 2008 6:02 pm
PsychicNinja says...



Konnichiwa, Audra-chan.

Commenting as I go again:

Ayumi followed him up the levels, out the door, and down the hall. Ayumi counted the doors they passed until finally he led her into a smaller room. Ayumi sat in one of the front row seats as Iruka put the stacks of paper down and turned on the lights.


In these three sentances, you start each one with 'Ayumi'. It gets a bit repetative.

I’ve missed you so much!” Emi wept, smiling.

“I have missed you, too,” Ayumi let go of her.

They looked at each other, still crying, and smiled. Ayumi noticed she was taller…

“We have a lot to catch up on,” Emi wiped her eyes.

“That we do.” (You have no idea!)

They grinned broadly, tears still falling, and embraced again.


Honestly, this whole thing seems a little awkward.

Ayumi couldn’t help but note that the two customers were Sasuke and Naruto.


That sentance is a bit obvious. Maybe-Ayumi blinked in surprise...

“I’ve met her,” Sakura looked up, smiling.


Wait, wait...when did Sakura enter the picture? This whole encounter is confusing me, Audra-chan.

Ayumi nodded. “She spent some time with me in my apartment.”


Really...awkward sentance.

“I see,” Emi nodded in turn. “Well, this is Sasuke Uchiha” – Ayumi muffled a gasp. (Uchiha?) – “Father and Mother used to take me to visit the clan as you probably know.”


Wait..so she hasn't really met Sasuke yet? And on the bridge when Itachi said "I knew it, it's Sasuke." That wouldn't have rang a bell in Ayumi's head??

Ayumi’s heart froze. She set down her bowl and rose. She left without a word as Haku’s face invaded her mind. She fought the tears back as she walked down the street, away.


Ayumi is a ninja...no matter how young she may be...I think it's enough with the crying stuff when she hears of Haku. It's a little much now.

“I know losing someone you love is hard to accept, but you can’t keep dwelling on it! I don’t care if you blame me for his death, but I do care about anyone close to me or Emi.”


Last part...doesn't sound Kakashi-like.

*huggles Kakashi-kun*

“Because I do. My father committed suicide, and my best friend was killed shortly afterwards.”


Two things that are wrong:
1) Kakashi was 8 when Sakumo-sensei died, and 13 when Obito-kun died...it's not that shortly afterwards...
2)Kakshi-kun doesn't talk about this openly. In fact, he never has. It was only revealed in Kakashi Gaiden..and even he himself didn't tell Obito-kun about Sakumo-sensei.

Kakashi’s smile was faint beneath his mask. “It’s understandable. You’re young and going through a hard time! You only gave me a long headache, but it’s all right.”


You have to get how Kakashi-kun portrays his emotions through his mask--his right eye!

Ayumi continued to watch as Emi and Kakashi embraced, and her mind wandered. She remembered her tender moments with Itachi, and she realized she missed him already.


This part is killing me, but besides that, it's kinda awkward...oh nevermind..

Ayumi followed Emi at a run, Kakashi on her heels. Ayumi couldn’t help but smile when she noticed that there was a river dividing the grounds the blonde chose.


It's not really in Kakashi-kun's nature to run after them. He would probably walk...or tell them that he would see them later and leave.

Ayumi and Kakashi touched down behind Emi, noticing a group of three ANBU ninja. Emi gestured to Kakashi. “They were looking for you.” He nodded and approached the ninja, conversing with them inaudibly before waving and disappearing.


This kinda confused me. How does Emi know they were looking for Kakashi-kun? It's just confusing...I don't get it...

(I go any farther, and you can forget about my chakra! I’m already having to use it just being so near to this water!)


Sorry, this is confusing. Ayumi can't go near water?

“Dragon’s Judgment!”


That's an awkward name for the move...

The water was too murky for her to see into it, but somehow she knew Emi was near.


You don't need the somehow. she would know, using her Byakuugan.

~~Continued~~
"Look, Ma. No hands"
"You haven't got a ma."
"Maybe a nice old lady will adopt me. I'm very loveable."
―Fi and Darman
  





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Sat Jan 05, 2008 6:32 pm
PsychicNinja says...



Moving on:

As if they were obedient dogs, the water dragons dove at Ayumi. “Water Dragon Strike!”


So wait...is Emi..a water ninja? I'm sorta confused at the village Emi comes from. She knows Konoha, you said her parents used to take her to meet with the Uchiha clan...yet...she was at the Waterfall Village before? Confusing, Audra-chan...

Emi dropped into the water just before it struck her, slightly annoying Ayumi. She let go of the jutsu, only to see fifty copies of Emi emerge from the river.

“Ice Clone Jutsu,” the clones replied simultaneously. “I perfected it in Sound, but you left before I could show you.”


Now I'm very confused....Emi was in the Sound Village?? This is getting confusing, girl!

(I don’t want to hurt her, but I do want to test both of our abilities. I’ve already depleted both my rings and necklaces’ chakra, so I’ll have to be careful. Just, what can I do?)


Hold on..her rings and necklaces have chakra in them...?!!!??

Ayumi closed her eyes, thinking about her strongest attacks and defenses.


Ya know, technically, since she has Byakuugan...all Ayumi needs is to get close to Emi and she's finished.

Ayumi touched down behind Emi, not shifting a stone or twig. (San.) she called to her first dragon. (Attack from the front after I move.)


Audra-chan, san means three in japanese..so it sounds kinda weird... :D

(Careful, San! Don’t let her get too close to you with that ice!) Ayumi stared at the other two when they completed the circle around Emi. (All of you.)


Hold on, the dragons are made of fire, right? Fire>Ice

Emi remained in her stance, her Naginata of Water and Ice in her hand.


I have no idea what that is, but i'll just play along. ^^

Emi got in a familiar stance. The Hyuugan stance. A clone of Emi appeared beside her, and Ayumi tensed. (Oh, great! San, Tai, back off!)


Ayumi should have thought to use the Hyuuga style first...and it's Hyuuga stance..not Hyuugan

“128 Hand Strike!”


I guess the translation could be different, but in everything i've read/watched it was called 128 Palms

The Emi’s then closed their hands into fists, freezing the water. The first two Emi’s kicked the blocks while a third one appeared in front of Ayumi. To prevent interference, Ayumi was sure.


I think those two are just typos.

The moon shone at its peak.


Good last sentence.

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Overall, this isn't your best chapter, with may unexplained jutsus.
Keep it up!

~the [s]great [/s]Psychic Ninja, Timea
"Look, Ma. No hands"
"You haven't got a ma."
"Maybe a nice old lady will adopt me. I'm very loveable."
―Fi and Darman
  








Who overcomes by force, hath overcome but half his foe.
— John Milton (Poet)