Young Writers Society

They stepped inside the old home, unsure of what was happening. The house had already had a creepy aura, but Chikako just made it worse. She seemed eager to tell us what had happened but she was silent. Kazuki stared into space waiting for Chikako to gather herself, and tell them what was wrong.

"He's here" she burst out all of a sudden.

"What?" Kazuki was puzzled "Who's here?"

"Rumara. Rumara is inside Konoha and has already started to tear it apart. He has even killed several people in Konoha."

"Why haven't you told ANBU (Ninja special ops or police) about this?" he said with badly suppressed anger.

"I'm sorry. They have killed the people and disguised themselves as their victims. They are wearing their victims clothing to cover the scent. I would have reported this but they could have already gotten to the authorities. I tried it anyway but i was stopped. If I tried to fight back I would be considered a rouge."

"No its fine, I'm sorry, its just that I have something to settle with Rumara. So who tried to stop you?"

"Kazuki" she said softly,"it was Akemi and Kino."

"No," Kazuki said in disbelief "Wait. When did this happen?"

"Right before your mission Kazuki"

"No," he said again. "He would have had to kill them, and they wouldn't go down that easily, or quietly either."

"There is a possibility be they are under threat. Rumara has killed five people so far. He could have threatened to kill their family and loved ones. They couldn't fight back because they would also be considered rogues."

"Right," he said with mixed feelings. His squad was most likely alive, but are definitely involved. "How can you tell how many people are dead?"

"The bodies were in a old warehouse, burnt beyond recognition. They aren't there any more though." She replied

"Why are you telling me? Couldn't I be one of Rumara's subordinates?" He said.

"Kaji is always by your side, and there were no dogs in the pile of corpses. You couldn't be one of them."

"If Rumara is in the city, I should be dead by now. We were attacked by Rumara's men, and would have easily been finished off. Kakashi appeared later with a pursuit team to follow them, but they would have had plenty of time to finish me off." He reasoned. Just then he heard a creek come from the roof. He started to take note.

"Kakashi is back already? Shouldn't he be back in about a week?" There was a pause. Chikako didn't like the look on Kazuki's face. His black hair was spread down on his face. His grey jacket was torn and his clans symbol was ripped off. Kazuki was petting Kaji who was laying down next to him. Kaji's red eyes stared at the floor, he was worried as well. Suddenly Kazuki cursed quietly. Chikako looked at him disapprovingly, she hated swearing. "Whats wrong?" she asked.

"Kakashi isn't back yet." He said bluntly

"What?" She nearly screamed. "How do you know that?"

"Kakashi shouldn't be back. And he had a five man pursuit squad. He wasn't overpowered, but they are using the opportunity of his absence to get control of the higher ups."

"What will happen if Kakashi comes back the village will be able to figure it out then, right?" she said hopefully.

"By then dozens of people will have been replaced, and they could take out
even Kakashi with their huge element of surprise"

Her remaining color quickly left her already pale . "Our ancestors help us" Chikako whispered. "We need a miracle to get out of this alive. I'll heal those wounds but after that you should leave. But stay in the village, no matter what. If your caught alone he will kill you."

*creek* There it was again. "We need something to let each other know we haven't been killed yet. I can hold fire in my hand, no sound ninja can do that"

" That's a good idea. I can show you one of my healing techniques, they are nearly impossible to copy."

"Then its settled. Thanks for healing me, and your right i do need to go. Bye"

"Bye"

Kazuki left Chikako's house started straight home. Kazuki and Kaji were in full alert. Nothing was going to get near them. As they passed the hospital a doctor ran out to meet him.

"Kazuki do you have a minute?"

"Sure, what do you need."

"I need you to stay at the hospital tonight. You see, some of the patients don't feel safe there without the guards and they are out tonight. They would be very grateful if you would stay at the hospital with them."

"Thats sounds good, I'll help out, but what do I do if someone does come. I can't fight in there."

"No one will come. Its just to help the patients relax."

"Then I'll do it, let me just get my stuff and I'll be right over."

"Thank you, i appreciate this a lot Kazuki"

Chikako got ready for bed. Relived that she had some one on her side. There was a loud creek that came from the roof. Chikako looked around and decided it was nothing. Right before she got into bed, there was a loud thud. She spun around just to see it was only the book that she placed on the edge of her desk.

"I thought you wouldn't tell Chikako." Said a sinister, hissing voice that came from behind Chikako. "you've been a bad girl"

She spun around to meet the eyes of Rumara. He was pale and had yellow eyes that could freeze you in place. He never blinked and his eyes where always wide open. There was silence as blood slowly painted the floor red.
__________________________

This is my second story, i have fixed the first and improved this one with your guys advice, but i suggest you read the first one again, it has been changed. Thank you a lot for your comments.

awesome story. I loved the wording. Your doing a good job. Im not a grammar expert, so I didnt see any wrong sentences. Its coming toaether nicely.

TG

Dark Beast wrote:They stepped inside the old home, unsure of what was happening. The house had already had a weird feeling, but Chikako just made it worse. She seemed eager to tell us what had happened but she was silent. Kazuki stared into space waiting for Chikako to gather herself, and tell them what was wrong.

Very awkward paragraph, try rephrasing it., especially the "weird feeling" thing. Try "uncanny aura" or "chilling sight, for reasons unseen"

Dark Beast wrote:"He's here" she burst out all of a sudden.

"What?" Kazuki was puzzled "Who's here?"

"Rumara. Rumara is inside Konoha and has already started to tear it apart. He has killed several people in Konoha."

"Why haven't you told ANBU (Ninja special ops or police) about this?" He said with unintentional anger.

Okay, with this, you want to use a (1) and explain it at the bottom of the post. The "he" should not be capitalized, and the unintentional anger thing is weird. "he cried with a voice full of badly-suppressed anger", but the phrasing there was just....weird.

Dark Beast wrote:" I'm sorry. They have killed the people and transformed into them. They also wore their clothing to cover the scent. I would have told them but if they had taken over a person with authority I would have been silenced and over ruled. I tried it anyway but i was stopped. If I tried to fight i would be considered a rouge."

:face/palm: I'm HOPING that you mean "rogue". Otherwise...wth.
This...Chikako's -that name sounds so Indian- sentence is incredibly badly worded. No offense, but I doubt anybody would say that. And you have this "They" when Rumara is an individual...as far we know.

"She wasted no time in a apology. "He's already left his mark on the ANBU, you know he has a jutsu to disguise himself as another, wearing their clothing to disguise his scent. Trying to report to the authorities is a fruitless scheme, as we have no idea if Rumara has spies within their ranks.""

Dark Beast wrote:
"I'm sorry, its just that I have something to settle with Rumara. So who tried to stop you?"

" Kazuki" she said softly,"it was Akemi and Kino."

"No," Kazuki said in disbelief "Wait. When did this happen?"

"Right before your mission Kazuki"

"No," he said again. "He would have had to kill them, and they wouldn't go down that easily, or quietly either."

"They might be under threat. Rumara has already taken five lives that i can tell. He could have threatened to take their family and loved ones. They couldn't fight back because they would also be considered rouges."

Ooh, dear. More makeup shinobi? The old lady has bad grammar-she's missing a couple of punctuation marks, as is Kazuki.

The "threat" sentence is....bad. "It's a distinct possibility that Rumara is threatening their families and friends, and if he does have a spy in the governing system, they would also be consideredrogues.."

Dark Beast wrote:"Right" He said with mixed feelings. His squad was most likely alive, but are definitely involved. "How can you tell how many people are dead?"

"The bodies were in a old where house, burnt beyond recognition. They aren't there any more though." She replied

"Why are you telling me? Couldn't I be one of Rumara's subordinates?" He said.

"Kaji is always by your side, and there were no dogs in the pile of corpses. You couldn't be one of them."

?? This old lady is pretty confusing. What's a "where house"? I think you meant warehouse. How does this old lady know all this, anyway?

Dark Beast wrote:"If Rumara is in the city, I should be dead by now. We were attacked by Rumara's men, and would have easily been finished off. Kakashi appeared later with a pursuit team to follow them, but they would have had plenty of time to finish me off." He reasoned. Just then he heard a creek come from the roof. He started to take note.

"Kakashi is back already? Shouldn't he be back in about a week?" There was a pause. Chikako didn't like the look on Kazuki's face. His black hair was spread down on his face. His grey jacket was torn and his clans symbol was ripped off. Kaji was laying down next to him. Kaji's red eyes stared at the floor, he was worried as well. Suddenly Kazuki cursed quietly. Chikako looked at him disapprovingly, she hated swearing. "Whats wrong?" she asked.

.........uhuh. Confusing, clear it up a bit more, you're suddenly talking about Kaji when you were just writing about Kazuki.

Dark Beast wrote:"Kakashi isn't back yet." He said bluntly

"What?" She nearly screamed. "How do you know that?"

"Kakashi shouldn't be back. And he had a five man pursuit squad. He wasn't overpowered, but they are using the opportunity of his absence to get control of the higher ups."

"What will happen if Kakashi comes back the village will be able to figure it out then, right?" She said hopefully.

Once again, a mis-capitalization, no "He" or "She".

Dark Beast wrote:"By then dozens of people will have been replaced, and they could take out
even Kakashi with their huge element of surprise"

She went pale. "God help us" Chikako whispered. "We need a miracle to get out of this. You better go. I'll heal those wounds and let you go. But stay in the village, no matter what, when your alone, he will kill you."

*creek* There it was again. "We need something to let each other know we haven't been killed yet. I can hold fire in my hand, no sound ninja can do that"

Scratch that "element" and add "advantage".
"The little color in her extremely pale cheeks drained with alarming speed. "Our ancestors help us," she murmured. (The Konoha believe in "Inheritant Fire" or that their ancestors are spirits, not God.) "We'll need a miracle to survive without any true harm. I'll heal you, but then you must go. Stay in the village, at all costs. When you are alone, he will kill you."

Dark Beast wrote:" That's a good idea. I can show you one of my healing techniques, they are nearly impossible to copy."

"Then its settled. Thanks for healing me, and your right i do need to go. Bye"

"Bye"

Kazuki left Chikako's house started straight home. Kaji, (get rid of that!) was in full alert. Nothing was going to get near them. As they passed the hospital a doctor ram out to meet him.

Ran.

Once again, your punctuation needs a lot of toning up in this section. It's also very vague and I have no idea to what is going on, rather then Kazuki/Kaji leaving. ?(?_?)?

Your dialogue skills need a lot of prepping- each phrase the characters utter is forced and unrealistic. Try saying the sentences aloud, the characters shouldn't say it if you wouldn't.
Run this through the spellchecker and grammar checker! Then I won't be remarking on the placements of the comas!

Nothing much happened in this chapter, except we have established that Rumara is dangerous and the boys leaving Chikako's house. All this could be accomplished in a much smaller space of text, leaving room for more action.


Sorry. >_> I'm having a story-nazi day. XD

Don't be afraid to write rough-drafts and then re-write it- it takes more time but the results are usually good.


My only other suggestion is on the two names Rumara and Chikako. Rumara sounds too....Dragonriders of Pern-ish...(XD)if you can understand what that means...actually, I think there's a PLACE called Rumara in Pern...I'll look it up and get back to you. XD
As for Chikako, it sounds very native-American, not Japanese. You might want to consider changing their names.

~Ink

Thanks for that, i fixed it up a bit.

Chikako sounds like
(Shee-ka-coo)
just to straighten that out.

This was a informative chapter, it is explaining some of the things I need you to know before the next chapter.

Thank you for pointing out all of my mistakes.