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Chapter One: Part Two



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Thu May 03, 2007 9:26 pm
EmiSukotto16 says...



As Emi stared at the wall, she heard the squelching of shoes in the mud. She turned in the direction of the noise.

A trio rounded the bend and came to a halt at the sight of the lonely pale figure staring at them blankly. They all looked to be twelve years old and Genin from the look of it, two boys and a girl.

One of the boys blinked and leaned forward as though trying to discern some familiarity of Emi. Emi felt curiosity rustle in her gut and her eyes focused on the boy. He had black hair and eyes and, she noticed he and the other genin wore Hidden Leaf forehead protectors.

The boy took a step forward, a look of happiness and disbelief covering his face. "Emi?" he took another step forward.

A surge of joy ran through Emi's body and she embraced the boy.
"I thought you were dead. I heard that the clan-" She stopped at the sight of the boy's expression.

"Sasuke?" the girl asked, she had pink hair and wore a red dress. Emi hid a smile when she saw that the girl wore an expression of confusion and jealousy. She must have a crush on Sasuke and thought Emi was his girlfriend.

Emi let go of Sasuke and straightened as Sasuke turned to introduce Emi.
"Her name is Emi, she's a good friend of my family," Emi could see the anger in Sasuke's eyes and knew he was about to say, and my brother.

The girl looked very relieved and Emi forced back a giggle. The second boy had blonde hair and blue eyes. When Sasuke had spoken of his family, the boy looked at the ground and that gave Emi the notion that he knew about the Uchiha clan's destruction, but just how much did he know? Emi had never been told who had committed the crime and she wondered if this boy did.

Just then, there was another pair of squelching shoes rounding the bend. Emi looked up to see a white-haired man with all but his right eye covered by either mask or forehead protector. Emi's stomach fluttered and she felt a strange stirring in her heart? It was a sensation unlike any Emi had ever had.

The man had stopped and was staring at Emi suspiciously, then his gaze drifted to her right arm where she wore her Hidden Mist forehead protector. His eye widened slightly then took on a more serious look as he spoke.
"Who are you?" he had a smooth commanding voice.

Emi had forgotten to take off her head protectors after the events, she was sure the blood gave no help to her case either. She never wore her village headbands to new countries, they always attracted unwanted attention and she was sure that the Genin and this Jounin, as she guessed he was their sensei, had just returned form an unfriendly visit to Hidden Mist. There was no doubt Hidden Mist was causing trouble.

She had just opened her mouth when Sasuke, noticing where his sensei's gaze had drifted, stepped between them and spoke for Emi.

"She is a friend of the Uchiha, Kakashi-sensei."

"Really?" Kakashi took on a more laid back tone and raised the one eyebrow visible.

"My name is Emi Sukotto." Emi held her voice at an acceptable tone, but she fought with the urge of her queer nervousness not to let her voice sound sheepish.

"Emi Endoh Sukotto? Of the Sukotto Clan near Hidden Waterfall?"

"The former Sukotto Clan." Emi said with a slight tone of grief. Both Sasuke and Kakashi looked at her with shocked confusion. "It was recently destroyed, as far as I know, I'm the only one left. It is unbelievable how similar the Sukotto destruction is to the Uchiha destruction."

"In what way?" the blonde boy blurted loudly.

"Naruto! Will you keep out of it!" the pink-haired girl hit Naruto on the head, leaving a fairly large bump.

Sasuke glared at the ground and Kakashi looked at Emi with an expression that told her he wanted to hear more and that he understood her position. She also saw the look of confusion that didn't seem to have anything to do with the discussion.

Emi returned the man's gaze just before a kunai struck her side. She felt the blade pierce her lung. She caught her breath and pulled the kunai out, pulling a note from the handle. She held herself up, fighting her knees, urging them not to buckle. She concentrated and urged the rainwater onto her wound. She made a fist and the water froze to the skin, and when she released the fist, it melted away leaving behind fresh, uncut skin.

Sakura, as Emi had heard the girl be called, stared at Emi's side with disbelief. The guys had taken defensive positions and Emi stuffed the note into her pocket before she took off into the woods in the direction from which the kunai had flown.

Naruto got ready to follow when Kakashi grabbed him and pulled him back.
"Stay here!" Kakashi took off after Emi.

"I'm not gonna stand here while they get to fight!" Naruto said loudly.

"You're gonna have to." Sasuke said solemnly.

Naruto crossed his arms and frowned into the trees.

"Did you guys see her wound? It healed just like that with rainwater!" Sakura was amazed.

"That's what she calls her Healing Water technique. She can heal any wound with just water, as long as it doesn't kill instantly." Sasuke was staring at the trees intensely.

"Do you think Kakashi likes her?" Sakura asked.

"Why do you say that?" Naruto queried.

"Didn't you see that look he gave her? He obviously likes her."

"They've never met before now, they don't know anything about each other, unless Kakashi only judges books by covers." Naruto said.

"We'll just have to see," Sasuke said.






Emi dodged and darted as best she could, but the "shark-man" was quick with his shredding Samehada. His name was Kisame, one of the Seven Swordsmen of the Mist. He was now an Akatsuki member and was partnered with Itachi. He had come to deliver a message to Emi, but she didn't approve of his method of communication.

Emi landed a few blows on him, but the Samehada was sapping her chakra so they did no serious damage. She dodged the blade and attempted to escape his oncoming punch, but she was too slow and he landed a serious punch in her chest.

She staggered slightly, attempting to regain her breath, but Kisame dashed forward and went her flying with a chakra filled kick. She snapped trees in half as she flew thirty feet, landing hard on her back. Her eyes went in and out of focus and she could barely tell whether she was moving her arm or her leg.

She attempted to regain her sense of things, but Kisame flew from the trees and drove his katana into her stomach. Emi coughed up blood and she quickly kicked Kisame off. He flew some feet and hit a tree, hard. Emi clapped her hands together forming the "tiger" hand seal. Immediately after she positioned her left middle, ring, and pinky fingers ver their right counterparts. She then finished the jutsu by opening her palms to face outwards. Her middle, ring, and pinky fingers curled tightly and her indexes and thumbs tip-to-tip to form a leaf shape.

With each handseal, she shouted the words "Hoshi! Yami! Ka!" With the last word Kisame, who had leapt to deliver a final knockout blow, disappeared in a puff of mist.

Emi let her head fall to the ground and she let out a quavering sigh before she examined her wound. It was nasty, but she didn't have to worry about cleaning it out. She wore a cross-strap shirt that exposed her midriff, so no fabric had gotten into the wound. Emi wasn't an expert medical ninja, but she knew a thing or two about wounds and infections.

Emi concentrated on the falling rainwater and, with a flowing hand motion, she summoned a string of water to her wound. She clenched her fist and the water froze instantly and melted away when she relaxed her fingers.

(My taijutsu needs some practice, I see.) Emi lay her head back and shut her eyes, passing out just as Kakashi appeared through the boughs. He knelt next to her, and when he knew she was okay he began to breathe.

(What is it about you?) He stared at Emi's placid face. He barely knew her, but there was something about her that captured his heart. He couldn't figure it out; he had never felt this way about a woman before.

Kakashi lifted Emi up and carried her out of the forest. Behind, in the clearing, a single note lay in the mud:

"She is close to you and we don't want to have to hurt her, but if you do not help us with our cause, she may die."
Llama 1:"Shh! Do you hear that? That's the sound of forgiveness."
Llama 2:"That's the sound of people drowning, Carl!"
Llama 1:"That is what forgiveness sounds like; screaming and then silence."
  





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Tue Jun 12, 2007 12:53 am
PsychicNinja says...



Ok....
this was ok.........but
um...Kakashi...oh nevermind!
It has a good plot and the character interplay is good between Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura and Emi. It kinda skips a little, so I got confused!
Anyways,
Good Luck!
~PsychicNinja
Kakashi's Lover!
"Look, Ma. No hands"
"You haven't got a ma."
"Maybe a nice old lady will adopt me. I'm very loveable."
―Fi and Darman
  





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Tue Jun 12, 2007 2:46 am
AyumiGosu17 says...



Yeah, you've definately edited! I noticed some changes in chapter one, but then, I hadn't read it in ages! Haha!

There were a few errors, like leaving out a letter in a word or tense changes. You'd start out in past tense then skip to present. Try to stick to one tense, please.

Thanks to your editing, it sounds much better! Very nice! Now, isn't there another part or two? Or have you not retyped those yet? Haha!

~Ayumi-san
Itachi ROCKS!!! :P
"Neglect not the gift that is in thee, which was given thee by prophecy, with the laying on of the hands of the presbytery." Timothy 4:14 KJV
  





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Wed Jan 09, 2008 2:06 am
PsychicNinja says...



Hi, Jessica.

Here to crit again:

He had black hair and eyes and, she noticed he and the other genin wore Hidden Leaf forehead protectors.


You put the comma in the wrong place.

The boy took a step forward, a look of happiness and disbelief covering his face. "Emi?" he took another step forward.


Would Sasuke really do that?

A surge of joy ran through Emi's body and she embraced the boy.


And this?! Would this be how he reacts? I think not.

She must have a crush on Sasuke and thought Emi was his girlfriend.


She could figure that out right away? You should give more clues in Emi's thoughts which lead up to fact she realized that Sakura must have a crush of Sasuke.

The girl looked very relieved and Emi forced back a giggle.


Compound sentences need a comma!!!

When Sasuke had spoken of his family, the boy looked at the ground and that gave Emi the notion that he knew about the Uchiha clan's destruction, but just how much did he know?


1) It's a run-on
2)Naruto really doesn't know!
3) it's just an awkward sentence.

Emi had never been told who had committed the crime and she wondered if this boy did.


If Emi was so sharp that she was asked to succeed some Kage, shouldn't she know who did that? Or couldn't she figure out just by looking at Naruto that he couldn't do that?! Intellectually, you're not building Emi up to the Mary-Sue you created her to be! ^^

Emi looked up to see a white-haired man with all but his right eye covered by either mask or forehead protector.


He has gray or silver hair!! Jiraiya-sama has white hair...

Emi's stomach fluttered and she felt a strange stirring in her heart? It was a sensation unlike any Emi had ever had.


This has nothing to do with my feeling for Kakashi-kun, but love at first sight? After all Emi had just witnessed? Right... :roll:

he had a smooth commanding voice.


Capitalize 'he'.

His eye widened slightly then took on a more serious look as he spoke.


you need a comma between 'slightly' and 'then'.

had just returned form an unfriendly visit to Hidden Mist. There was no doubt Hidden Mist was causing trouble.


You need to be a psychic to figure that part out....

Kakashi took on a more laid back tone and raised the one eyebrow visible.


It should be "the one visible eyebrow"
Sounds more fluent.

"In what way?" the blonde boy blurted loudly.

"Naruto! Will you keep out of it!" the pink-haired girl hit Naruto on the head, leaving a fairly large bump.


Naruto's been awkwardly silent until now....when he says something totally out of this character...

She also saw the look of confusion that didn't seem to have anything to do with the discussion.


This is a weird, awkward sentence.

Emi returned the man's gaze just before a kunai struck her side.


She randomly meets Naruto&co, randomly gets stabbed, and miraculously heals a ruptured lung (which couldn't have happened unless someone went up to her and stabbed her). You don't have a good order of events...or reasons for things...

"They've never met before now, they don't know anything about each other, unless Kakashi only judges books by covers." Naruto said.


That quote is a really awkward run-on. You should put the last part in a separate sentence.

His name was Kisame, one of the Seven Swordsmen of the Mist. He was now an Akatsuki member and was partnered with Itachi. He had come to deliver a message to Emi, but she didn't approve of his method of communication.


Info dump! Couldn't you do it ina way that didn't sound like an encyclopedia?

She staggered slightly, attempting to regain her breath, but Kisame dashed forward and went her flying with a chakra filled kick.


Two things:
There should be a dash between chakra and filled.
And how could she just stagger when she received an apparently 'serious blow'?

~~ Continued~~
"Look, Ma. No hands"
"You haven't got a ma."
"Maybe a nice old lady will adopt me. I'm very loveable."
―Fi and Darman
  





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Wed Jan 09, 2008 2:58 am
PsychicNinja says...



Had to leave, but now I'm back.

Her eyes went in and out of focus and she could barely tell whether she was moving her arm or her leg.


You need a comma between the two sentences in there, otherwise it's a run-on. And that last part is sorta confusing...do that mean she's numb all over? You should make it more clear.

She attempted to regain her sense of things, but Kisame flew from the trees and drove his katana into her stomach.


Looking back at the previous para, you should say 'Emi' instead of 'she'. It's not a katana...you called his sword right before. :?

Emi coughed up blood and she quickly kicked Kisame off.


You need a comma again. And instead of 'and', you should use 'but'...or make it a separate sentence and reword it.

He flew some feet and hit a tree, hard.


Could you find a way to give this sentence more effect?

Immediately after she positioned her left middle, ring, and pinky fingers ver their right counterparts.


Typo. :)

Her middle, ring, and pinky fingers curled tightly and her indexes and thumbs tip-to-tip to form a leaf shape.


I must say, this is something Audra-chan didn't really use in her story. (But I think she should) Hand signs.

"Hoshi! Yami! Ka!"


*is wondering what that means* Are those supposed to be the animal words for the hand seals? You need to explain what those mean.

She wore a cross-strap shirt that exposed her midriff, so no fabric had gotten into the wound.


Yeah, but without the fabric there to protect the exposed part of her body (I think she should be wearing chain mail or something), other things can get into the wound, like dirt can get in there more easily.

Emi concentrated on the falling rainwater and, with a flowing hand motion,


Did you actually say that rain was falling? At any time? It's news for me!

(My taijutsu needs some practice, I see.)


Instead of putting thoughts in parenthases (sp?), put them in italics.

He barely knew her, but there was something about her that captured his heart. He couldn't figure it out; he had never felt this way about a woman before.


Trust me, Jessica...he does..why do you think he reads Make-out Paradise? because he's never loved a woman before? I think not...

This is all really random...I mean Kakashi..no matter how superficial and laid-back he seems...is a really deep person.

_______________________________________________________________________

Well, I don't think there's any more to say. You have a lot of grammar and sentence structure problems...but otherwise, it was okay.

~the [s]great[/s] Psychic Ninja, Timea
"Look, Ma. No hands"
"You haven't got a ma."
"Maybe a nice old lady will adopt me. I'm very loveable."
―Fi and Darman
  





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Wed Jan 09, 2008 3:05 pm
R. J. Hoffman says...



you said this was a fan fic. please move to fan fic. I will review when it is moved. PM me.
  








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