I really loved the fact that you gave Edward a sister. It's super cool. I also like that fact that you have everybody in their. Edward Bella Renesmee Emmett etc. I really really LOVE that ending!!! It was soooo freaking cute!!!! I love love loved it!!! And Emmett is soooo perfect. Goofy funny and cute!!!! So great job!!! I'm off to part two!!
Carefully, as stealthily as I could, I crept through the meadow.
Taking off my jacket, I arranged it fussily on the back of the cream couch, tucking the arms in and smoothing out the creases, before sitting down, carefully crossing my legs to avoid creasing the fabric.
Anyways, this sentence can be easily split up, and that would help the flow of your piece.As the key turned in the lock I held my breath, and then suddenly he was stood there, Edward Cullen, shielding Bella behind him, and her shielding Renesmee in turn.
He recovered himself almost instantly. Seizing my arm, he pulled me into the lounge and forced me down onto the couch, into the seat I had vacated only moments previously. “Explain,” he hissed. “And do it fast. You should be old. You should be dead. You shouldn’t be here, and you definitely shouldn’t be able to do what you just did.” He hissed into my face, still clenching my shoulders tightly between his fingers. “Edward, you’re hurting her. Let her go.” Without looking up, I recognized the speaker. Dr Cullen was tugging on Edward’s arm, to little effect. Fuelled by his fear and shock, Edward’s already tremendous strength was more intense. Edward stared into my eyes, and I stared back into his. I knew he was shocked, as my eyes were not the usual nomadic crimson, but instead a “vegetarian” light gold. Finally, he blinked and released his hold, and the relief of it was tremendous. I had seen the thoughts he had had, and they were tainted by rage and hate. He had seen himself attacking me, and although he still did, he had seen one outcome in Alice’s thoughts. And so had I. It was awful, and I was glad when moments later it changed to another, happier prospective future. So it was a mixture of shock, relief and happiness that caused me to burst into tears a moment later, and as Esme rushed to comfort me, I felt a sense of deep longing to belong here, to be part of this happy family. “I’m not wearing contacts, by the way,” I stated, tearfully, in answer to their unspoken question. Once again, they looked dumbfounded and as my tears eased I ordered my thoughts and began to tell my story.
“I was born in Chicago in 1905, to Elizabeth and Edward Masen. I was their second, and last, child, the first being a boy, four years older than me. As soon as I was old enough to walk I would run to him, reaching out my arms to be picked up, and he would swing me on his shoulders and tickle me, all the things a brother should do. We became close, and I would follow him wherever he went. And even if he was sad, when I cried he would hold me in his arms and sing to me until I was happy again. I remember one time, he was crying so hard, with tears streaming down each cheek and he held me on his lap and sung, and his tears dripped into my hair, and I turned and hugged him…”
But wasn't Edward's mom's name Elizabeth? And wasn't he like 17 then only? I might be mistaken though. It's been a long time since I've read the Twilight books.“She was heading to meet a Dr Carlisle Cullen, a “vegetarian” vampire, and after the meeting she came back, full of tales of the good doctor and the strange bronze haired boy who was with him, Edward Masen, as he was known then. She convinced me to go with her when she moved in, but as we neared the house, I became horribly nervous, and so I wiped Alice’s mind of her memories of me and left her. I travelled for years, forgetting Edward Masen, until a few days ago in New York. I heard a nomad talking about this coven, and I set off to find you. I wanted to meet someone else like me, but besides that, I wanted to see the boy I had once made mud pies with in the back yard, had tied the neighbors’ front doors together with, had gone to the park with, had ridden my bike with. The boy who is now a man in his own right, with a wife and daughter to support, who doesn’t want to think about those times, or the sister he shared them with, who even now is planning how to get rid of me.
Bella ran after him, carrying Renesmee, followed by Emmett and Jasper, and finally Carlisle, whilst Rosalie moved to the other side of the room and eyed me suspiciously.
Esme stayed sat on my left, and Alice came and sat on my left.
“I can read thoughts, like my brother, and I can talk to people in their thoughts too. I can make people forget things too, which can be useful, although I’m sorry I did that to you, Alice.” I thought to them. Out loud I continued: “I can talk to more than one person at the same time too, which is how Esme heard that, and how you all heard my name earlier. It was difficult to learn to control, because although Edward would answer the things people thought rather than said out loud, I used to think responses to them. It was kinda awkward…” Here I stopped, letting them imagine their own endings.
Last to come was Bella, Nessie behind her, and whilst Bella went to talk to Jacob, the strange wolf-boy who had imprinted on her daughter, Nessie came and sat at my feet.
Carlisle began to talk, completely calm, as though it was the most natural thing in the world, to sit there with the sister of the boy he saved from dying, all those years ago, now a vampire herself, discussing whether she should stay or go.
“Carlisle, that’s very kind of you, but I’ve seen my brother doesn’t want me here. For that reason I’ve decided to go back to New York. So thank you, but no thank you.” Standing, I made my exit. I stepped over Nessie, out the front door, past Jasper and Emmett wrestling in the meadow, to the beginning of the drive. And that was as far as they let me get. Alice leapt from the trees in front of me, landed lightly and clutched hold of one arm. Esme, who had silently come up behind me, laughing and smiling, grabbed the other and as they dragged me, somewhat less than kicking and screaming, back to the house, she explained: “You are most definitely staying. You’re family, the only close biological family member any of us have left, and you’re not going anywhere!”
There was nothing he could do, and as my momentum pulled him down, he grabbed hold of Jasper, who was clutching Alice’s arm, who in turn grabbed Esme, who had been stood with her arm around Carlisle.
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