Young Writers Society

Never in my life did I dream about being in a situation like this.
Cedric’s dead. Voldemort’s controls my life. My parents are brainwashed devoted Death Eaters.
My future isn’t looking so bright.
Let’s rewind to when this all started, when everything became extremely complicated: My first day at Hogwarts.

***
I didn’t enter Hogwarts as a first year like everyone else. I was home schooled. Home schooled as a wizard? Yeah, it’s possible. My parents have been allies with the Dark Lord since before I was born, and when I entered the family they planned on my future devotion to Lord Voldemort. That was my destiny…to serve and protect the Dark Lord.

My first day was an interesting one. I rode the Hogwarts Express like any other student, sat with some random strangers, and then departed the train alone. I had no interest to really make my mark on the school, or to make many friends for that matter. My purpose wasn’t to learn to be a better wizard, it was to spy for Lord Voldemort.

The Dark Lord was extremely weak, and he needed someone my age to secretly watch Harry Potter and see what he’s been planning. The best luck that I could’ve had was to be sorted into Gryffindor, but of course that didn’t happen.

After I rode the carriages and entered the grand doors to the castle, a skinny woman with pursed lips and a Scottish accent took me aside to her office, where she told me I was going to be sorted privately, “Since you’re not a first year, Professor Dumbledore did not find it appropriate to sort you with the younger bunch.”

I shrugged, “Makes sense.”

“Trista Silenda, correct?” The tight-lipped witch questioned, looking me up and down suspiciously.

“Yup that’s me,” I casually responded, rocking back and forth in place. <I>Let’s just get this over with already!</I> I thought to myself.

“My name is Professor McGonagall, Transfigurations teacher. Sit down and I will place the Sorting Hat on your head.”

I quietly sat on the wooden stool and waited patiently. As soon as the hat was placed on my blonde hair, a malicious voice whispered in my ear, “<I>Ah, a bright mind, unable to make your own decisions. Persuaded easily, yet caring for others. In a dark spot…but troubles do await you…</I>”

I swallowed and remained calm. This had to be over soon.

“Hufflepuff!” The hat exclaimed. <I>Wow, no need to shout…there’s only two people in the room.</I>

“Okay,” the Professor continued. “You may proceed to the Great Hall for dinner. Join your new house, and then follow your house prefects to your common room. Your uniform and bags will be waiting by your bed.”

“Thank you, Professor,” I nodded and quickly made my way out of the small office.

<I>Hufflepuff…really? The Death Eaters always told me about Slytherin. That’s where the real wizards were placed. Gryffindor was my goal though, in order to keep an eye on Harry.

I began to predict how my new life was going to play out in this mysterious school as I walked through the large magnificent doors to the Great Hall. Everyone had already started eating, and I looked around for my table. Fortunately the house banners were hanging above each house, and I found the appropriate section for my new Hufflepuff gang.

I snuck on the edge of one table, hopefully able to go unnoticed. Unfortunately, a girl piped up and immediately moved to sit in front of me, curious to see whom the new girl was.

“You must be new here. I’m Gia. What’s your name?” She questioned with wide brown eyes. She had a boyish curly brown hairdo and a bright smile.

“Uh, I’m Trista,” I replied uncertainly. If my goal was to stay hidden, making friends was not going to help me fulfill it.

“Nice to meet you Trista! Welcome to Hogwarts! What year are you?” she continued inquisitively.

I rolled my eyes under closed lids and sighed. I was not going to be able to get rid of her anytime soon. “I’m fifteen, so I guess I’m a fifth year.”

Her face lit up even more (if that was even possible) as she exclaimed, “Oh my gosh!! Me too!!”

<I>Great…we have something in common. I think I just made a friend.</I>

I decided to grab a plate of chicken and eat in order to make my mouth unavailable for talking. She kept gabbing about classes, favorite teachers, and Quidditch. I started to look around the hall in order to find Harry Potter; curious to discover the kind of people he hung out with.

After scanning the Gryffindor table, I started to scan the entire room. While my eyes moved across the room, I stopped on one particular Hufflepuff student. His light brown hair and eyes were complimented with a small smile and clear skin. He turned my way and our eyes met. Butterflies exploded in my stomach as he gave me a quick smirk, then turned back to his friends.
“Who’s that?” I turned to Gia, pointing to the mystery man.

“Oh that’s Cedric Diggory,” Gia explained. “Cute, ain’t he?”

<I>For sure…</I> I thought to myself. I remembered my original plan to not make any friends, but this boy had my full attention, and I prayed he wasn’t going to get me into any trouble.

I liked this idea... a witch who was home schooled until she was fifteen... sent to school to spy on Harry Potter...

However, I don't know how technically correct it is... (hehe, did I mention I'm a bit of a Harry Potter expert?) I mean, at the beginning of the fourth book most Death Eaters still believed Voldemort was dead, right? The only people that were on speaking terms with him were, like, Barty Crouch and Wormtail… I mean, it’s not really a big deal…

Anywho, I like that this story is from the point of view of a Hufflepuff… Hufflepuff doesn’t get enough credit for how cool it is XD

The fourth book is my favourite, and I’m interested to see how you’ll incorporate the three events, the Yule Ball, Beau Baton, and Durmstrang (probably didn’t spell those right)

Happy writing ^^

--
Tabby

Nice, as TabbyGirl has already mentioned it will be nice to give Hufflepuff some credit, along with a piece of Ravenclaw maybe?

No spelling mistakes from what I could see, nor any grammar apart from,

Her face lit up even more (if that was even possible) as she exclaimed

The brackets are fine, but in my opinion I would rather use something else, such as a comma splice or a hyphen, it's up to you of course.

By a long shot the best line is

'Great…we have something in common.'

The comedy value is excellent.

Overall brilliant piece, I'd like to see more

I liked this! it was well-written and the idea was interesting and caught my attention right away. The pace was nice and steady and I liked the tone. Her getting sorted into Hufflepuff came as a nice surprise for me... I was expecting Slytherin. If that's what you were aiming for, grats.

My parents are brainwashed devoted Death Eaters

Maybe I'm just reading too much into it, but the word brainwashed seems to me to have a negative connotation, like she doesn't agree with her parents' views. If she believes the same thing her parents do, I would consider pulling this word.

Overall, a really enjoyable piece, and an interesting point of view. I'll be curious to see how the story develops.

I clicked on this story because I liked the title but once I found out it was a Harry Potter story I got extremely excited!

The beginning could be a little more catching, you know, sentence-wise. But it's not bad.
Okay nitpicks first:

and when I did enter the family

Just say when I entered

I looked around for my table. Fortunately the house banners were hanging above each table, and I found the appropriate table for my new Hufflepuff gang.

I snuck on the edge of one table,

Very repetitive, try and move the sentences around and don't say table so much.

She questioned with wide brown eyes. She had curly brown hair just down to her shoulders and a bright smile.

Your description is kind of generic - and therefore a little boring. If this girl is going to be a major character give her an interesting description, so she's unique in some way. If she's not going to be an important character than it's not really as important. The bright smile part is good, I think.

Comments:
I really liked this, especially because I love Harry Potter. Your MC is very interesting and you have set the platform for great character development - supposed to be evil but not all that evil. I can imagine something happens with Cedric which probably won't make the 'rents very happy. My only advice would to do a little more description, I understand that the beginning - taking the train, getting sorted - isn't crucial to the story and you just want to get onto the actual plot, but it all seemed very rushed and "this happened, then this happened." It's a novel so take your time, give descriptions. What if she sees Cedric on the train? Just an idea. The sorting hat part could be expanded as well, and you could expand on your MC's characterization. Is there a conflict between her belief that she should get into Slytherin and her actually getting into Hufflepuff. Shouldn't she wonder why she is in Hufflepuff. Expand, expand.
Well I would love to read the second part, PM me when it's up (or if its already up i'll go read it)

I enjoyed this. Of course, I enjoy everything Harry Potter, but that's beside the point. I love love love how she's a hufflepuff, because, well, I'm a hufflepuff (Hufflepuff's unite!) It is a little odd that she was homeschooled as a wizard then just popped in, but I suppose that could be a good thing, because you came up with the idea your self. Kudos for that.