Young Writers Society

Dear Journal,
I haven't written in here for a while now. I guess I decided to start again because now Rose is gone for Hogwarts. We saw her off at King's Cross today and Lily looked like she wanted to cry when the Hogwarts train left. I didn't of course. But i still felt sad. Dad says boys don't cry. I hid this Journal from Rose a while back so she wouldn't take it with her to Hogwarts and read it and then I forgot about it. Rose is kinda nosy. And I kind of feel sad that I forgot about it. Because it was covered in dust. It was under my bed this whole time! I'm really happy because Lily's coming over later. Make that in a few minutes. Aunt Ginny just called to tell us that they will be here soon. Dad's wand is sitting on his night stand. I'll use the spell book I found in the attic a few days ago. I know i'm not suppose to learn Magic yet but i couldn't help it.Dad left me home alone one day because he needed to run an errand. so i went up to the attic because Dad says were not supposed to go up there. and right out in the open was a spell book. When Mum was 19 She cut her hair really short. Grandma told rose and I a lot of stories before rose left. Now Lily and i get to hear them.


I'm going to try it. But Lilys' here now. I'll try to write before bed.
H.Weasley
9/9/2017

Dear Journal,
Earlier Lily and I had a fight. I said that her Dad got her everything she wanted. But I don't want to talk about it. I might not write much tonight. Dads already turning out the lights.

so i guess this good bye for tonight.

H.Weasley
9/9/2017

was this good

Well first off it would be nice to know what H.W stands for. I assume it's Hugo Weasley, but the people among us who aren't addicted to Harry Potter may not understand this reference.
As for the diary entry itself, it wasn't bad. Remember to capitalise your "I"s and to insert an apostrophe for "I'll", Lily needs a capital letter too. Other than that, try to add in a little more description. And take a note that underage wizards aren't allowed to practice magic, even if they don't attend hogwarts yet.

This seems like a rip-off of this: viewtopic.php?t=83693
I'm not sure if you meant to do it, but I doubt it's just a coincidence.

I had mikkos permission see profile.php?u=20107&c=282760

Ah alright, if you feel okay using other's ideas, do as you please.

Hey Smurf! Ok, first I'd like to say that I'm honoured that I inspired you for writing this! I'm just going to go through the nit-pricks to help you make this better:

Dear Journal,

I haven't written in here for a while now. I guess I decided to start again because now Rose is gone for Hogwarts. We saw her off at King's Cross today and Lily looked like she wanted to cry when she saw her brothers leave.Uuh, if you're taking my story from Hugo's point of view, then Lily was crying. I didn't of course. Dad says boys don't cry. How does Hugo feel about his sister leaving? His dad says he shouldn't cry but of course he must be feeling sad or something. This needs more detail.

I hid this diary from Rose a while back so she wouldn't take it with her to Hogwarts and secretly read it. You should describe Rose a little bit, like is she nosy? If Hugo is worried about his sister taking his diary off to Hogwarts, then shouldn't that mean that Rose is nosy? Or that Hugo doesn't trust her? and I forgot about it. I kinda feel sad that I forgot about it. It was under my bed this whole time! Yeah, this bit could do with more detail too. Is the diary dusty? Has Hugo been reading some of his earlier entries? Me wants ta' know!

I'm really happy because Lily's coming over later. Make that in just a few minutes. Aunt Ginny just called to tell us that they will be here in a few minutes.Again, if this is my story from Hugo's POV, then he went to Lily's house. How does Hugo feel about this? How does he feel about his sister being gone and doesn't he want to go to Hogwarts too?

Dad's wand is sitting on his night stand. Ill use the spell book I found in the attic a few days ago. This part just landed here suddenly. You can work on it.



I'm going to try it. But Lilly's here now. I'll try to write before bed.

H.Weasley

9/9/2017

>> Work on capitalising your "I's"
>> Work on your apostrophes
>> Give more detail. This is a journal, meaning Hugo should be writing down all his feelings and thoughts. That's what helps us to see what kind of person he is and to develop his character.
>>Overall: I think this has potential and could be made into something very creative if you just work on some of the few points I pointed out. It's nice that you decided to take this from Hugo's POV and once again, I'm honoured that you had this idea when reading my Fan-Fic. Thank you for following Lily's diary updates.

I hope this review helps!

Peace.

- Mikko.

Aww, Smurf, I can see you tried but you still haven't answered some of the reader's questions as in 'what does Hugo feel?' for example.

Dad left me home alone one day because he needed to an aaron.

I did not get this part at all but thanks for using my best friend's name in it (Aaron ). I understand you were a little tired for the second one, but you could really work on it.

I'm just trying to help you and I hope it's working!

Good luck!

actually i dont know how to spell erond

So, I like the idea of this. I'm a huge HP fan, so I love reading Harry Potter fanfiction. I thought the writing was good, but you had a few grammar mistakes (which I have a lot of myself, so I'm probably not the best person to be telling you this.) But I thought this was really good, and I really hope there's more coming!