Young Writers Society

2

“Who sent you? How do you know my name?”
The questions kept coming, Ezio kept pacing, Cassy and Anna kept shaking, and the whole day seemed to drone on for what felt like an eternity. It got to the point where Ezio was so fed up of asking questions and not getting satisfactory answers, that he slumped to his wooden chair, rested his elbow on the table and stared at the two frightened teenage girls sat in a corner of the bureau he’d escorted them to, occasionally sharing stunned glances and, scuttling away whenever Ezio came closer.
Cassy could tell he was getting annoyed, and his temper was wearing thin. He poured himself a glass of… beer or something, and swigged it down with perfect ease.
“You haven’t told me your names, at least tell me that,” Ezio huffed, jaw clenched as he sat patiently awaiting a reply.
Cassy licked her lips, looked to Anna, who nodded, and said; ‘I’m Cassy, and this is Anna.”
Satisfied, Ezio smiled and slouched further into what looked like an uncomfortable position, but probably wasn’t because of all the heavy gear he was wearing. His amour was silver-plated and had intricate patterns carved into it; he had a white hooded all-in-one cloak thing, and wore a beautiful silver belt with the Assassin logo in the middle.
Ezio looked just how he did in the games, but real… and older… his skin was real, his face was real, his whole body… everything was perfect. The creators hadn’t quite gotten his face right, but here, in real life, he was even better and much more handsome. With sharpened cheekbones, a pointed nose and soft lips, his ratty brown fringe covering the tops of his brown eyes and his masculine jaw.
Most of the time, Cassy didn’t actually listen to what Ezio was saying, she just stared, intrigued by his awesome figure and beautiful eyes. It was like seeing an eagle for the first time, the master of all, but a million times better. A skilled hunter.
“I think…” Ezio rose to his feet, looked over at a bunch of swords and amour and then looked over at Cassy and Anna. “I think maybe you should explain how you got here, then we can go from there.”
Cassy spoke first, “I don’t know how we got here,” she said. “One minute we were in Effersly, the next we were here.”
Ezio frowned, breathed in and cleared his throat. “Explain.”
“Well,” It was Anna talking this time, “We were lying down on some grass in a park, and… then… well, we woke up here. Italy. Miles from home.”
Ezio laughed. “What makes you think we’re in Italy? We’re in Masyaf.”
Cassy’s eyes widened, she looked over at Anna and saw the confusion in her face, but all Cassy could think about was that they were in Masyaf. Where Altair had been… It was real!
“Ha… Why are we in Masyaf? Is it…? It’s…?”
“It’s where I’m looking for answers.”
Cassy smiled. “Oh god, this might sound weird. But I think we’re past all the crap, now… listen. Anna and I are from the 21st century, AKA 2011. Technology’s changed. Things are better. I probably shouldn’t be telling you this because of all the space-time stuff and whatever. But yeah, we’re from 2011, hence the weird looking clothes and, I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, the earphone’s dangling from my jacket pocket.”
“Excuse me?”
Anna tapped Cassy and whispered, “Are you sure you should be telling him? It might have… you know… consequences? Things could happen?”
“It’s fine,” Cassy reassured Anna, staring into Ezio’s eyes. “You can think I’m crazy, but the reason we don’t know why we got here is because we aren’t supposed to be. We’re from the future. Some weird stuff is going down over there; glitches are appearing in the sky, holes… you know? Just holes in the air, that’s how we got here. One basically swallowed us up whilst we were in the park.”
“Do you want me to call for a doctor? Maybe you hit your head when you fell last night?” Ezio suggested, making his way towards the door, which lead out into the street.
Cassy laughed. “No, no… It’s fine. We didn’t, and we don’t need a doctor. Something’s happening in the future, but we were sent back here for a reason. I know that much.”
Anna started to look uncomfortable, and she kept pulling on Cassy’s arm, practically begging for her to shut up. Ezio looked confused – as anyone would be. “I really think you should shut up now Cas. Are you trying to get us locked up?”
Ezio analyzed the two girls for a moment, then sat back down in his wooden chair and sat in deep thought for what seemed like minutes before he actually said anything. Cassy started to feel slightly anxious and noticed that Anna looked like she was slightly pissed off with her. Cassy didn’t expect Ezio to understand, she just hoped it was enough for him to help them.
“I believe you.”
“What?”
“I believe you.”
“Why?”
“Because, from what I’ve experienced, anything can happen. Especially since the Apple of Eden is constantly being messed about with. I don’t have it at the moment, a templar does. I’m assuming one of them messed about with it, it affected the future, created a hole or whatever… and well… here you are.”
Cassy and Anna exchanged baffled looks.
“I think they wanted you for a reason. You’re valuable. They want you on their side for some reason. Well, you know what? They’re not having you. Grab those swords, get the amour and let’s get training.”
It took a moment for Cassy to actually realise what he said. Maybe not telling him would’ve been a good idea… There was no way she wanted to fight as an assassin! She’d rather be at home right now; sat by her computer on tumblr and drinking countless cups of tea. If anything, she didn’t think the templar’s would have purposefully brought them here. What qualities did they have? Nothing, all they did was play games, be normal, compute, eat, read, hang out and do stuff normal teenagers did. There was absolutely no reason they’d ever want to bring two teenagers back to this century.
She wanted to be at home. It was obvious Anna had the same thing going through her mind. They both tried to explain to Ezio that that couldn’t be true, but he wasn’t having it, and he dragged them out into a battling ring, tossed them two swords and threw two hooded cloaks on the floor beside them. He vanished inside for a few moments, and in that time, Anna and Cassy exchanged ‘oh my god’ looks. Ezio returned with some leather amour and threw it by their feet.
“Gear up,” he commanded.

***

Cassy’s cloak was a faded red and with a belt that had a basic Assassin symbol in the centre. The amour felt heavy, and she raised the hood, picked up her sword, and twirled it around in her fingers. Anna’s Assassin cloak was white with a red ribbon wrapped around her waist that was attached to her belt. Cassy didn’t have a ribbon, but she had boots where as Anna did not. She was still in her trainers.
“I won’t try,” Cassy said, nervously smiling at Anna, who looked like she wanted to break down and cry. Cassy felt that way too, but she had to stay strong. Do whatever was needed just to get back home.
“Neither will I,”
Ezio clapped his hands together and gestured for them to enter the ring, they did, and they just stood their, trying their hardest not to drop the heavy swords.
“There’s no need to worry, these swords are practice swords and are quite blunt at the tips, so you won’t damage each other. You might get a few bruises but that’s it.” He didn’t enter the ring, but just rested his arms on the bit of fence separating them from each other. “We need to start with the basics. You need to learn how to move your feet around.”
The footwork he explained wasn’t too complicated, in fact, it just reminded her of fencing, and she never really found it that hard. Anna seemed to be getting the hang of it as well. Next came the basic jabs and his ‘assassin’ rules and stuff like where it’s best to aim and how you should maneuver around your opponent. It wasn’t too bad, but Cassy did feel quite hot and parched with all the heavy clothing and equipment she had been loaded with for most of the day.
Towards the end of the training, Ezio let them take off their amour, but said they had to keep the cloaks on to get a feel for what it’d be like to wear them everyday. He also let them go and get a drink from a water fountain, it wasn’t exactly brilliant and they had to cup their hands and drink from it. He insisted it was good and clean. But… then again… water was water, and when you were thirsty, you’d drink anything.
“It’s not… it’s not that bad, right?” Cassy said, glancing at Anna and shrugging.
“No, it’s brilliant,” Anna deadpanned, rolling her eyes and walking towards the small house Ezio had been squatting in at the bottom of Masyaf. It was really small, and reminded Cassy of the type of houses you see in Iraq on BBC News that poor people lived in. She didn’t want to think about how long she’d be staying there, but accepted it. The inside was small, just two rooms and a small extension at the back of the house that had a door opening into a square garden. No flowers were there… it was just grass. The house also didn’t smell of much either, and there wasn’t much to see, just a few blankets on the floor with some pillows.
“This is where we’re sleeping?” Cassy asked, pointing at the blankets on the floor.
“Yes,” Ezio said. “It’s not that bad.”
“Just so you know, we’re not staying for too long.” Cassy stated. “We’re going as soon as we find a way home.”
“And that might not be for a while. Whilst we wait, you shall be training. You’ve got a lot to do.”
“Great,” Anna said, rolling her eyes and sitting down on a blanket and pulling down her white hood. She took out her mobile phone from a pouch and turned it on.
“I’ve got some battery left, but no reception… obviously. At least I have games. I wonder if my camera will work.”
She held down a button and held it up to Cassy. “It works. Ezio, get over here, stand with Cas.”
Ezio frowned and cautiously made his way over. He stood next to Cassy and looked down at the small phone Anna held out towards them.
“Cheese!” Anna said, smiling. The camera flashed, Ezio winced and… and the end result was of Cassy smiling, looking normal (ish) and then there was Ezio. His face has a mixture of shock, confusion and ‘what the hell?’, his smile wasn’t really a smile, his expression wasn’t really much other than a frown, mouth shaped into an ‘o’ and one eye was squinting and the other half open, head thrown back in shock.
“If anything, we’re going to have to teach you how to take a proper photo.” Anna laughed. “And maybe turn the flash off.”
“Strange people. You really are,” Ezio mumbled, turning around and leaving the room, mumbling to himself.
“He reminds me of Myrnin from Morganville.” Cassy laughed, and Anna nodded, bursting into laughter. “This isn’t so bad really… I just hope it’s like Narnia or something and when we get back time will have only gone by in a second or something.”
Anna nodded. “I hope so too. But, I think we just have to endure this for as long as we have to.”
“And be ready.”
“Yes. Be ready.”
“For anything.”
“Anything. Absolutely.”

Alright! The next chapter is here!
Just so you know, you can put these into a novel format so your readers don't have to trawl through the first few pages.
But anyway... *Begins reading*
Okay... a few problems, but not enough to detract from the overall experience. Firstly, Ezio seems to be speaking in modern English. Which wouldn't be a problem if you were writing about Desmond Miles, but Ezio? Late fifteenth century noble; they have a different way of talking.
"Good morrow",
"Good day",
"Good eve",
"How now" or
"Well met" are all good replacements for hello in conversation.
Instead of yes and no, say "aye" or "nay". Instead of you, you can sometimes say "thou" or "thee", depending.
Similarly, instead of your, say "thy". "Thy peaches are truly wondrous ripe and juicy, mi'lady!"
Instead of listen, say "Hark" or "Hark now".
Hark now, methinks I do hear the sounds of the duelists preparing for combat upon the green!" for example.
Where you would say, "Excuse me" instead try "Pray pardon me." "I cry your mercy" or "I crave your pardon"
Instead of "Please," try "An it please you" (an is an old form of "if"), "Prithee ", "I pray you " or "Pray "
Where you would say, "Thank you," say instead "Grammercy", "I thank thee", "I do humbly thank you" or "Many thanks, good sir"
Where normally you would say, "Darn it!", try "Alack!", "Alackaday!", "Alas!", "Fie!", or "Out upon it!"
Instead of here, say "hither". "Come hither Mistress Goodwife!" or "Come hither my good husband"
Instead of those, say "yon". "Yon minstrels do make a sound most pleasing to mine ear!"
Where you would say, "No way, really?" you can now say: "Forsooth!" (sooth meaning truth),
"In good sooth!", "Go to!" or "It is even so?"
Instead of "Wow!", say "Marry!" (A contraction of "By Saint Mary!"), "I'faith!", or
"Now, by my faith!"
When you're ready to say goodbye, instead try "Fare thee well" or "I shall see thee anon", both of which are good partings.
That's the problem with Renaissance English. Very complicated.
But as to plotline and story, the part that made me lol was when Anna took that photo.
Other than that ,I feel that this was basically a filler chapter. So... waiting for the next one.
Fare thee well, young grasshopper, until we meet again

Well yes, but he doesn't really say that in the game and i wanted to just let him use english. It's obviously something that i need to go back on, but i'm sure it's not really that bad that i've got modern english.
I'll think about it, thank you though!

Hey,
I'm going to tell you what I think of the work as a whole after I get my nitpicks out of the way. So... I suppose I should just continue.

It got to the point where Ezio was so fed up of asking questions and not getting satisfactory answers, that he slumped to his wooden chair
You don't need that comma.

stared at the two frightened teenage girls sat in a corner of the bureau he’d escorted them to,
I think sat should be sitting or maybe you forgot who between girls and sat.

I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, the earphone’s dangling from my jacket pocket.”
I'm not sure why you have that apostrophe on earphones. The only thing that could mean is the earphones IS dangling... which makes no sense. If you're just trying to make it plural, you only need an s, nothing else.

Something’s happening in the future, but we were sent back here for a reason. I know that much.”
I haven't read the first chapter, so that might clear up some questions, but from what she said, it doesn't seem like they were sent back for a reason. If holes are opening in the sky in 2011, then it could have happened to anyone. People are probably thrown into the past everyday if random holes are opening to the past.

they just stood their
Their tells of possession. You want to tell of location, so you need there.

“And that might not be for a while. Whilst we wait, you shall be training. You’ve got a lot to do.”
If the don't want to train, why don't they tell Ezio no? I might've missed something, but Ezio's reaction would tell us a lot of his character as well as Cassy's and Anna's.

“Cheese!” Anna said, smiling. The camera flashed, Ezio winced and… and the end result was of Cassy smiling, looking normal (ish) and then there was Ezio. His face has a mixture of shock, confusion and ‘what the hell?’, his smile wasn’t really a smile, his expression wasn’t really much other than a frown, mouth shaped into an ‘o’ and one eye was squinting and the other half open, head thrown back in shock.
“If anything, we’re going to have to teach you how to take a proper photo.” Anna laughed. “And maybe turn the flash off.”
“Strange people. You really are,” Ezio mumbled, turning around and leaving the room, mumbling to himself.
The part made me laugh.

So, your characters are charming in a grumpy, mysterious man and sort of bossy girl kinda way. I wasn't really bothered by the modern language used by Ezio because translating old English or whatever is a pain. I think the audience you will probably be writing for won't care either.
Some of your dialouge seemed unnatural and wooden, but that happens to everyone, so I wouldn't worry about it much.
Basically, you have a nice chapter that I enjoyed.
If you need a review for another chapter, just PM me or post on my wall.
Keep writing,
Megsug

ah thank you, i did noticed a lot of those mistakes when i read through it again but i'm lazy paha xD I never normally get my their's and there's mixed up xD And yeah, i get confused with whether i use apostrophes and commas in certain places, thanks for clearing that up. and yeah, i don't know why i wrote that about her. I think maybe her mind has changed or she's trying to make it seem that way? i'll read through it.
Thanks :3