Young Writers Society

Prologue
Bellatrix Lestrange’s POV

I stood in front of my mirror and sighed. My hair was too frizzy. Severus would never like me. I had had a crush on Severus Snape for a long time. He never even looked at me. We were both seventeen, in our seventh year at Hogwarts. I was hoping we could be at least friends.

Giving up on my hair, I went down the stairs to the Slytherin common room. Waiting at the stairs was Severus.

“Hello, Bellatrix,” he. “Can you meet me outside after breakfast? I need to talk to you.”

I was in shock. “Sure,” I said. “I would love to.”

“Okay. See you then.” Severus walked away.
And that was when I knew we would be together forever.

Wow, it's really short but such a new idea. I have trouble picturing Bellatrix at age seventeen, standing in front of a mirror and moaning over her hair. That's so different . It'll make for a really good story, though I don't know if she was even at Hogwarts with Snape.
You should probably expand this or else just include it in your first chapter. It's too short for a prologue.
I look forward to reading more!

Ok, I think you should make Bellatrix a little more vain because thats how she is. And elaborate some more because I really want to read this story!!!

I like this idea of a younger version of the older Harry Potter characters. Although, didn't Snape like Lily? Just wondering. But I like trying to picture Bellatrix in love, lol. Supply the writing and we'll supply the laughs.

-iheartbooks♥

Hey mimicat.

I was rather intrigued by the idea of a Severus/Bellatrix pairing, which sounds to me like it could have lots of promise and is quite rare to stumble on.

Sadly, I don’t find your story all that great. Even if I ignore the fact that at this moment in time Bellatrix’s last name should be Black rather than Lestrange, since she hasn’t married yet, or that she's not the same age as Snape, her characterization here is just so far off from her canon one I automatically find myself assuming she’s an original character that just happens to share Bellatrix’s name.

For one, I simply cannot picture canon!Bellatrix as a lovestruck seventeen year-old. Nothing of what we see of her from the books shows her to be likely to have ever been this way: Bellatrix is crazy, sadistic and verging on the psychopathic, and while this may be partly explained off by her stunt in Azkaban, it has to have roots early on. So, worrying about her hair and harboring a secret crush on Severus Snape, of all people (aka the moody, disagreeable and ugly half-blood that’s disdained by his own housemates) to the point that she is in shock at his wanting to talk to her?

Err. No.

Bella Black is more likely to boldly go in his face and declare her intentions, not just pitifuly cling to the hope that they "could at least be friend". Not even to mention the canonical fact that her only real interest? Is Voldemort. She never even shows affection to her husband. That she would be so pleased at the thought of being "together forever" when nothing has even happened yet is also plain ridiculous. He what, looked at her? Overreaction much?

I can deal with alternate universes and interpretations of characters, but usually it’s made obvious straight away. Here? No such thing, which leads me to understand it is supposed to more or less follow canon, and the sheer characterization gap between this fic and Rowling’s characters destroys all credibility.

Right now, this reads more as a Snape/OC than anything else. If you’re bent on using Bellatrix, all I can say is: read again, and pay attention.

Hey I am going to review your work.

I think you should rephrase this to I was hope we could at least have been friends!

I was hoping we could be at least friends.

Other than that this is really good.

However, I think you need more detail, and you need to tell us more about Bellatrix's emotions, I don't understand how this works though...because they obviously don't end up together forever.