Young Writers Society

This is the blurb of my novel 'In Love With The Enemy', which is a Jasper Hale fanfiction.Enjoy.

' "You can leave me for Alice.I know she is the one for you." I whispered,trying to hide how hurt I was.
"If you think about it, this way I will commit suicide without having to burn myself down,Opel." he murmured into my ear with honesty in his voice. '

The 19 year old Opel knows that in Riley Bier's pack there is only one rule; try not to get killed. As she struggles through surviving she meets a girl,Bree Tanner, who is almost invisible to the clan.They get really close until Riley rearranges a war between the Cullen family and them.There,Opel finds her real love.Jasper Hale who is a vegetarian vampire and is kind enough to save her and Bree.Okay,there is two problems.Jasper is a member of the Cullen family and he already has a girlfriend,Alice.

Doesn't seem like a blurb, it seems good though but there are some things that if you would edit will read better.
I will go step by step:

Red color means I would suggest you to skip these words.
Text in bold means I would suggest you to edit it this way
Blue describes my description and suggestions

' "You can leave me for Alice.I know she is the one for you." I whispered,trying to hide how hurt I was.
"If you think about it, this way I will commit suicide without having to burn myself down,Opel." he murmured into my ear with honesty in his voice. '

It is better if you go like:
"You can leave me for Alice. I know she is the one for you." I whispered, trying to hide how much I was hurt.
"If you think about it, this way I will commit suicide without having to burn myself down, Opel." he murmured into my ear, her voice seemed honest.

You don't have to use those '__' before and after the text, it is not quoted but you are expressing a conversation.

There,Opel finds her real love.Jasper Hale who is a vegetarian vampire and is kind enough to save her and Bree.

It would be better this way:
There, Opel found her real love, Jasper Hale, who is a vegetarian vampire and was(I am not sure of tense you are using, so I'm using simple past tense.) kind enough to save her and Bree.

Okay,there is two problems.Jasper is a member of the Cullen family and he already has a girlfriend,Alice.

You can make it read better this way:
However, on the other hand, there are two problems. jasper is a member of Cullen family and he's already got a girlfriend, Alice.

There are few more things. You are not using one space after full stop, you have to leave one space after full stop and leave no space before it.

This is all for now, hope I helped.

-Chetan

' "You can leave me for Alice.(Space)I know she is the one for you."

Now first off, posting a snippet of a novel is rather difficult to review, because we don't know what context it's under. Try posting a teaser in your blog . Right now I have no idea who this is, or what's going on. So it would be better to just post chapters first, rather then little hints of it.

I whispered,(Space)trying to hide how hurt I was.

"If you think about it, this way I will commit suicide without having to burn myself down(Space),Opel."

Okay, so this is a little confusing...I assume it's Jasper she's talking to, and

Okay,there is two problems.(Space)Jasper is a member of the Cullen family and he already has a girlfriend,(Space)Alice.

Okay...so the first thing I read is that She's being left for Alice, now Alice is already his girlfriend? So you've got a few things to work out, and once you do PM me and I'll review the rest!

Good luck with your novel!

~Hope

I think it sounds good, the others have already said everything though I look forward to reading more!