Young Writers Society

Hey everybody, this is Fruit again. Here's the second part of Furuba Book 1 Chapter 1! Please, enjoy. But here's the first part, just in case you get confused.
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At the end of the school day, Julie spotted Anthony. "Uh, hey. Sorry about this morning, Anthony. Didn't mean to interrupt your little fight."

"Don't worry about it. It was a pointless fight anyway; I just get pissed off really easily. Especially when people repeatedly do things that annoy me and they know it. But anyway, why were you coming by our house this morning? I've never seen you walking past before."

"Mm? Oh, that. Mom used to drive me to school, but since she died, I've decided to start walking. My sister goes to elementary school, so I have to be in school a lot earlier than her, being in middle school; and it's a pain for Dad because he has to drop both of us off with a half-hour's interval between each drop-off period. And after that, he has to go to work. It's a lot easier for us all when I walk--Jenna and Dad don't have to wake up as early, y'know? So..." Julie came to with a jolt. "Ah, crud!" She checked her watch. "Sorry, Anthony, I gotta go to my violin lesson!"

"Julie...are you sure you're OK? I noticed this morning you looked sort of sick. You really shouldn't overexert yourself in any way," Anthony said. "See ya tomorrow."

Julie waved goodbye then sighed, noticing Zoe jealously watching. "Just quit it, alright, 'Burger? I'm tired of you stalking me just 'cause you think I'm in love with Anthony."
* * * * *
After her violin lesson, Julie walked back to her tent. While passing by Anthony's neighborhood again, she thought about their conversation after school. Ugh...I can't believe Dad would actually do such things! I mean, it's understandable that he would miss Mom, but that doesn't mean he can take it out on me! She clenched her fists in anger. I mean, I'm also sad and angry that God took Mom away from us, but it's not my fault! And that idiot knows it!

Meanwhile, Anthony watched from his bedroom window. He decided to follow her, because something in their conversation hadn't added up. There was something wrong with her tone of voice, he thought.

By this time, Julie had made it back to her tent. Anthony caught up to her. Julie turned and, seeing Anthony, narrowed her eyes. "You saw me, huh?"

Anthony nodded. "Julie...what happened? Are you OK? Why..."

Julie gently set down her violin case. But when she turned back to Anthony, her eyes were blazing. "Is it really any of your business? I thank you for worrying about me, but I don't need it! Because unlike you, I can take care of myself!"

Anthony was speechless for a moment. Then his face closed and he grabbed Julie's wrist, saying, "Come with me."

As Anthony pulled Julie with him back home, Julie saw a shadow fidgeting back and forth on one of the neighboring elm trees, which was rather unusual. She tried to point it out to Anthony, but he either ignored her or didn't hear. Serves me right for losing my temper, she thought.
* * * * *
In the Zhus' living room, Julie explained to Anthony about her mother's death. "Since then, Dad's been treating me like dirt," she sighed. Anthony nodded, then abruptly stood up and kicked down the door leading to the kitchen. Julie saw Joe uncomfortably standing where the door had once stood. He'd obviously heard everything.

As Julie turned to the window in disgust, she suddenly noticed a shadowy figure darting this way and that, weaving in and out amongst the trees. Anthony was stomping back over to the couch, shaking his head in anger, when the shadowy figure came into close view. Julie jumped up, realizing what was going to happen.


Although it all happened so fast, she felt like she was is slow-motion. "Anthony, watch out!" Too late.

The window shattered as the same mysterious person from before kicked through it. Then they kicked Anthony square in the face. After Anthony flew across the room, hitting the wall with a thunk, the stranger, a teenage boy, straightened up. "I hope you have been well, you idiotic lion."

Julie was thinking, Whoa, these two really don't like each other! The newcomer then turned to her. "Sorry, miss, didn't mean to frighten you or anything like that. I'm Austin Zhu, cousin of that pathetic boy over there." He nodded towards Anthony, then continued, "Pleased to meet you! May I ask what your name is?"

"Uh, Julie. Julie Alvarez," she replied, shaking hands with the handsome blond.

Meanwhile, Anthony had been rubbing his head, trying to lessen the throbbing pain in his head. A few minutes had passed when he saw Austin shaking hands with Julie; he suddenly jumped to his feet from a sitting position and sprinted across the room towards Austin. Julie suddenly realized what Anthony wanted to do, and accordingly stood in front of Austin (although he was totally prepared for such an attack), arms spread out, with a determined expression on her face. But she didn't block Anthony soon enough; he tripped as he was trying to stop, then flew into Julie, who in turn fell into Austin's arms. Poof!

Julie sat up, having fallen onto the hardwood floor. "Sorry, Austin, didn't mean to fall on you, but this idiot--"

She turned around to see a graceful gazelle standing behind her!__________________________________________________________________________________________
So, how'd you like it? Huh? Huh? And I came up with this draft really fast, so please excuse any minor typos/grammar mistakes/etc. I really want to know what you guys think of it, especially if you're a fan of Fruits Basket like me! Later.

Hi there! I liked the next installment of your story.

At the end of the school day, Julie spotted Anthony. "Uh, sorry about this morning. Didn't mean to interrupt your little fight."

I think you could make it it more clear who's talking here.

I thought the ending was too fast-paced. First you have the guy jumping through the window, and then suddenly there's this gazelle and I'm thinking "whoa! Slow down!" You could add some more description to pad it out.

Keep writing!

-Hawks-

Hey, Hawkie! Thanks for the review. I think I fixed most of your suggestions, but I'm not sure what you think about the more padded ending thingy. You don't have to post your opinion here--I'll probably just PM you the words and ask your opinion on it.

This is completely random and has nothing to do with my story, but I like your signature.

Anyway, you found my weakness. I always, like, jump into the action scenes way too fast and don't give them enough description...hehe...like in my 1st story. Definitely way too fast-paced at first! I guess my adrenaline sorta gets rared up and I just take off.

Nice new avie, by the way. Again, thank you for the review! Hope my story's at least somewhat better than what it first was...

Here I am again! You definitely have an interesting developing story here...

I don't think I spotted any grammar mistakes, so it's on to the nitpicks! Is that what you guys call 'em?

"Don't worry about it. It was a pointless fight anyway; I just get pissed off really easily. Especially when people repeatedly do things that annoy me and they know it. But anyway, why were you coming by our house this morning? I've never seen you walking past before."

(Ooh, this BB Code or whatever is really cool!) I think it's a little sudden in here. Maybe say something like: '..that annoy me and they know it," Anthony replied. After a short pause, he continued, "Anyway...why were you...' or something like that. Y'know, pace the dialogue a little. Is that how you say it?

Anyway, as I said in my review of the first part, I think it would be better if you used the traditional Zodiac animals instead of reverting to different outsiders. Like, who would be the 'Cat' in your New Zodiac-thing?

Oh yeah--I noticed spacing was inconsistent at times. Is that your personal style or something?

Still, I can't wait for chapter 2! That's what's comin' up next, right? Pretty please? Great job--this is so exciting!

Hey dear! I'm sorry it took me so long to get to this, but I'm really sorry I have to drop a short review.

The thing is, I have a little bit of difficulty reading this, having read Fruits Basket already. Maybe it's only because it's the first chapter, but I find this identical to the original story so far, besides some setting/name changes. Will you be branching off in the future, adding your own original touches? Will the characters have different aspects not seen in their counterparts? I can see little bits where i can see you're creating your own characters, like Julie musing over her dad. It'll be interesting to see her feeling so resentful. But I'd just like to see some more of your own original variation in the future.

I like how you're trying to do that by creating a new zodiac, but that'll be difficult to pull off. And, considering how the Zhu are Chinese, chances are they'd follow the traditional zodiac. Unless...there's some secret zodiac? That would be rather curious to see.

Pacing in Part A was very nice, but I agree with Hawkie. Some more transition before the transformation would work wonders.

You have a lovely writing voice thought, dear. It's very clear and very you. I like to read it, because it's got this very fun, lighthearted tone to it.

Just one more piece: details, details, details! This will help out with your pacing. Although internal monologue is very helpful in getting what she's thinking across, what she's doing is just as helpful! As she's walking home to her tent, does she absently kick rocks, thinking of her father? When she's telling Anthony her story, is she nervous and a little embarrassed, playing with threads on her shirt?

Keep writing, you're doing a lovely job. Thank you so much for asking me for a review, and I'm sorry I've been so lazy...

Best of luck,
octo