Young Writers Society

Hello, everybody! This is Fruit. As you can see, I'm a fanatic of Fruits Basket (FB), otherwise known as Furuba. So I decided to do a FanFic about it! This is a heartwarming, comedy romance about a teenage girl who will forever change the lives of the Zhu family. (Oh yeah...the chapters get long and the books are huge/immense/colossal, so I'll be posting one chapter out of one book at a time, in order. )
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Anthony Zhu glanced at the piles of junk strewn around the kitchen and sighed. We really need to clean this soon, he thought. Fingering a dusty box he didn't need anymore, he fought with himself on whether he should toss it down onto the piles of trash or not. Finally, he succumbed to the inward pressure of laziness, thinking, I hope it doesn't make too much of a difference.
* * * * *
The next day, Julie Alvarez, barely thirteen years old, walked out of her tent as the sun rose over the craggy Colorado mountains.

"I made it through the first night," she breathed. After gathering all her school stuff into her backpack, she glanced nervously around her, hoping that no one, especially not her step-dad, was watching. Shouldering her backpack, she made her way up the path leading to school.

Along the way, she passed by a quiet neighborhood. Julie breathed in the fresh morning air and relaxed. But suddenly, the peaceful atmosphere was shattered as angry shouts pierced the still air.

"Dang it, stop making fun of me!" an angry teenager shouted. Julie turned back and saw the front door of the first house on the block kicked down in anger. Glancing hurriedly around her, she noticed a lot of annoyed neighbors watching that first house, so she went up to the redheaded boy stomping around on the front porch.

"Uh, hi, Anthony. Why are you so mad?" She walked cautiously up to the teen, who scowled at her.

"In case you didn't hear, he keeps making fun of me! And it pisses me off, and he knows it, the idiot, and he keeps on doing--"

The teen was cut off by the guardian himself. "Please excuse Anthony's rude behavior. I realize I was pushing it a little when I teased him, but he is over-reacting. Isn't that right, Anthony?"

Anthony glared at his guardian, then turned back to Julie. "I guess it's alright now...and don't mind Joe. He acts quite like a blockhead at times, so it would be best for you to ignore him. Anyway, enough about that. We should be getting to school now."

Julie nodded and the two classmates walked off to school together.
* * * * *
At school, Julie met up with her two best friends, the gothic, black-haired Marie Beaumont and sweet, brown-haired Alice Den. They laughed and talked about every possible topic together--homework, sleepovers, their favorite websites....In fact, they were having so much fun that they didn't notice blonde seventh-grader Zoe Hilldenburger coming up to them.

"He noticed me! He actually noticed me!" she exclaimed.

"Wha? Who noticed you?" Julie thought she knew who, but she just wanted to irritate Zoe.

"What, is your brain just mush, because you're blonde? And you guys are also seventh-graders!" Zoe scornfully commented. "Obviously I'd only be talking about the most popular boy in school--Anthony Zhu!"

Julie rolled her eyes. "Did he ask you whether you actually had a brain or not? And, you're blonde like me, so don't diss me because I have blonde hair."

Zoe smirked. "No, not at all. He asked me if I could come over to his house tonight! And who do you think you are, anyway?! Some sort of college professor who's perfect and can reprimand anyone else she wants to?"

"C'mon, girls," Julie beckoned Marie and Alice away from Zoe. "That's enough for now--she's an idiot who thinks Anthony actually likes her. In the meantime, the bell's going to ring in one minute," Julie said, checking her watch, "so we should go to our lockers and get our stuff ready for Homeroom."
* * * * *
During lunch, the three best friends sat together as they always had.

"Zoe must've had some reason for coming up to us, Julie. She was obviously jealous about some relationship between you and Anthony Zhu...what was it?" Marie looked over at Julie, and Alice worriedly looked up at her.

"I was passing by Anthony's house while walking to school. All of a sudden, I heard some shouts coming from his house. He was yelling at his guardian Joe for teasing him, so I was trying to calm them down. So, somehow, it ended up that we walked to school together. Not that it wasn't awkward--I mean, we're not close, even as classmates. I just happened to walk by and notice him."

"Ah! Um, Julie...look over there," Alice timidly pointed towards a second all-girls table about 5 feet away.

Julie turned and saw Zoe's hawk-eyes blazing at her. "Oh," she sighed. Then she started laughing. "Hehe, Zoe no doubt thinks I'm in love with Anthony! What the heck?! She's even more of a simpleton than I thought."

"Yes...but there's something strange about that boy," Marie calmly said.

"By which you mean...?" Julie trailed off.

"Well, there's not much else I can say to explain that. But a dark shadow has fallen over his thoughts...I can sense that his past must have been painful...."

"Um, well, he doesn't talk about it, does he? And--and he still has fun and laughs with everyone else, so maybe it wasn't that bad?" Alice shyly asked.

"I don't know," Marie replied. "There are times when his voice gets all deep and scary and his eyes glow with a bright light in class. It's usually when someone intrudes into his personal thoughts, like when someone asks, 'Why do you seem so sad, Anthony?' And he can smile. Very rarely, but he smiles--I'm not exactly sure what triggers him to smile, but--"

"Oh, shut up, Beaumont--Anthony's past is none of your beeswax," Zoe, standing at the edge of their table, interrupted Marie.

"Dear me, 'Burger! Our conversation isn't any of your business, you know?" At this point Julie's eyes flashed angrily and her voice deepened dramatically. "So get away from us and don't bother us again!"

"And if you don't go away in about two seconds...I will exterminate you," Marie's voice also deepened and her eyes shone a bright lavender.

"Aaieeeee!" Zoe took off sprinting out of the cafeteria, followed by her friends, who were warily eyeing Marie.

"Thank goodness those idiots are finally gone," Julie sighed.

"Ah! Julie! Marie and I are going shopping later today--do you want to...oh. Your violin lesson's today, right?" Alice sounded disappointed.

"Yeah, I do have to go to my violin lesson. It's Monday, right? Yep...I'm so sorry, Marie, Alice. But tomorrow I don't have any after-school activites, so we can all go together tomorrow!"

"So it's decided. The three of us are going shopping after school tomorrow," Marie smiled.

But as the three left the cafeteria, Julie wasn't smiling at all. If I told them I was living in a tent...how would they react?

Edit: Sorry about the extremely long post at first. Now I've cut it down. I was wondering why no one was reviewing it! But anyway, hope you liked it! (Please, please review. Please! I need some reviews on this one.)

Hai. Still no reviews, huh?

I've never watched Fruits Basket (I've heard of it though), so I'm not sure how qualified I am to review this, but I didn't think I could watch it go on without a review any longer! I enjoyed reading it, too - it's very cute.

The next day, Julie Alvarez, a thirteen-year-old seventh grader

I don't think you need to tell us her age and grade so quickly. You talk about seventh grade later on, so it's easy to pick up on the fact that that's what grade she's in.

"DANG IT, STOP MAKING FUN OF ME!" An angry teenager shouted at his calm guardian.

"An" doesn't need to be capitalized, since it's part of a dialogue tag.

"And if you don't go away in about two seconds...I WILL EXTERMINATE YOU,"

If this is meant to be funny . . . good job. =D If it's not, it's way over the top.

Keep writing!

-Hawks-

Hey there, Fruits_Basket, mind if I review this?

Alright, same as Hawkie, I have never watched 'Fruits_Basket' series, and don't know anything about it. So, I won't be able to review it to base of the story if you don't mind.

Anthony Zhu glanced at the masses of junk piled around the kitchen and sighed.

There is no such word as 'masses' as 'the masses' usualy means 'ordinary people'. It's better to write, 'mass' or maybe even write, 'piles' as it seems much better..

he fought inside himself on whether he should toss it down onto the piles of trash or not.

Try writing, 'he fought with himself' than this, as it seems more appropriate.

I know that in fanfiction, you normaly don't write anything about the appearance of characters, but in the case of this story, I think you should give us a brief description of the appearance.

Although her tent was partially hidden by a small grove of trees, anyone passing by would immediately notice her tent.

Why is she afraid of the fact of someone noticing her tent? Is she undercover or secretly hiding. If so, write about it, or the reader will get confused.

"DANG IT, STOP MAKING FUN OF ME!" An angry teenager shouted at his calm guardian.

Change this to, 'an angry teenager's voice came' I told to change it, because your character haven't seen who was shouting at whom. So, it's better to have it this way.

so she went up to the redhead boy stomping around on the front porch.

'Redheaded'

Julie turned towards the window and suddenly noticed some animal figurines sitting on a table. "Oh, wow! Those are so cool!" she exclaimed, admiring every one of them. "Let's see now...there's a crow, a dove, a gazelle, a lion, a prarie dog, a mongoose, an ant, an orangutan, a trout, a turtle, a fox, a panda bear, and a duck! Wow--they're so cute!"

Although I read this part about 5 to 10 times, I still can't understand, why you put this here. I mean it is totaly and completely random. Anthony was talking about his guardian and Julie suddenly starts babbling about animal figures and what they were. Change it or the reader will get disoriented.

the bell's going to ring in one minute," Julie checked her watch

Change this to, 'Julie said, checking her watch' This should be done, as she should already know the time as she said that the bell's going to ring in one minute.

"I don't know," Julie replied. "There are times when his voice gets all deep and scary and his eyes glow with a bright light in class.

Shouldn't it be Marie who's saying this, as Julie asked her what she meant when she said that Anthony was strange.

"Ah! Julie! Marie and I are going shopping later today--do you want to...oh. Your violin lesson's today, right?" Alice sounded disappointed.

If you meant this as a quick change of subject to get her friends off their minds about Zoe, you did a good job. But if you didn't intend it that way, this sentence seems way too abrupt as it brings the action to full ground halt.

Overall

This story was good, evenly paced and nice. Although, you can try adding more colour to picture by including the five senses as the images, smell, taste, feel and sounds. This would bring a more natural feel to the story.

Well, that's all I have to say. And sorry for not talking to you by your name and mutilating it. It was a joke. Sorry.

Good luck.

Hey guys, thanks for reviewing. I think I fixed most of your suggestions...hm.

Hehe, I really like Marie's line that Hawkie quoted. Yes, it was totally meant to be funny! Glad you liked it.

Also, Chi, Alice is always like that, gentle and kind. She can tell very easily when someone's bothered. Don't worry; more info will come later on in the story! But believe me, I've got a long, long way to go.

It's OK about the joke thing. But I was seriously clogging up the Food Fight thing. And I was posting way too many things in one day, so now I'm slowing down. Thankfully.

Bye for now! Thanks again, you guys, for reviewing!!

Hi Fruits Basket!

Here I [finally] am! I must confess that I'm not too much of a fanfic or anime fan, and have never read this anime, so my knowledge of it is limited. If I criticize something that should be left alone, pardon me and overlook it. Thanks.

Before I get to content, I'll throw some pointers out:

> Place dialogue and thoughts on a new paragraph line.

The next day, Julie Alvarez, barely thirteen years old, walked out of her tent as the sun rose over the craggy Colorado mountains. "I made it through the first night," she breathed.

Corrected:

The next day, Julie Alvarez, barely thirteen years old, walked out of her tent as the sun rose over the craggy Colorado mountains.

"I made it through the first night," she breathed.

> All caps is usually unnecessary in writing, even if the characters are shouting. Use Italics to emphasize and exclamation points to convey the boom of it all.

"DANG IT, STOP MAKING FUN OF ME!" an angry teenager's voice shouted.

A voice cannot shout, dear! You use your voice to shout, but in order for a voice to shout, it would have to be a concrete object. An angry teenager shouted is well enough to understand for us.

> Chop down excess words. The cleaner, the better. Don't have a character smile evilly (adverbs can be bad!), instead have them smirk. By choosing words carefully, it's easier to imply what is meant without saying as much.

*

I think you did a fair job on this. Again, I've never paid attention to the anime, so I'm not sure how valid my statements are...

A description of setting could better this! Transitioning paragraphs are wonderful things, too; use them to move from one point to the next. No worries about making something too long; what's more important is that your story is told fluently.

So! I enjoyed reading this, though their mood changes were a touch unexplained. I would recommend fixing that.

Thanks for the read! Hope that helped at least a little. Any questions? You know where to find me.

June

Haha, thanks June!

Yeah, I have a little problem with getting caught up in stories and not bothering to explain what's actually happening.

Nice pointers. I'm going to have to, like, paste those to my computer screen. I'm serious--I had that trouble in my 1st story, too. Yep. So I'm not going to be surprised if this problem shows up in my 2nd installment of Furuba FanFiction as well!

Now I have to find all the need-to-be-explained-more parts...hehe....

Hi! I've seen Fruits Basket! A couple of years ago... It was (and still is) one of my favourite animes! So it was pretty funny reading this and seeing how familiar your characters are to the original ones.
Loved this:

"Well, there's not much else I can say to explain that. But a dark shadow has fallen over his thoughts...I can sense that his past must have been painful...."

And...

"I don't know," Marie replied. "There are times when his voice gets all deep and scary and his eyes glow with a bright light in class. It's usually when someone intrudes into his personal thoughts, like when someone asks, 'Why do you seem so sad, Anthony?' And he can smile. Very rarely, but he smiles--I'm not exactly sure what triggers him to smile, but--"

That just made me laugh. :L

But as the three left the cafeteria, Julie wasn't smiling at all. If I told them I was living in a tent...how would they react?

Maybe put the second part in italics to show that they're her thoughts.
And maybe explain why she's living in the tent, for those who haven't seen it before.

But this was great! ^^ Fantastic! Loved how you retained the echoes of the FB characters and still made it your own. C: Oh, and I can't wait until the hugs start happening.

EDIT:

Chirantha wrote:

Julie turned towards the window and suddenly noticed some animal figurines sitting on a table. "Oh, wow! Those are so cool!" she exclaimed, admiring every one of them. "Let's see now...there's a crow, a dove, a gazelle, a lion, a prarie dog, a mongoose, an ant, an orangutan, a trout, a turtle, a fox, a panda bear, and a duck! Wow--they're so cute!"

Although I read this part about 5 to 10 times, I still can't understand, why you put this here. I mean it is totally and completely random. Anthony was talking about his guardian and Julie suddenly starts babbling about animal figures and what they were. Change it or the reader will get disoriented.

I think you should have left it in there. When all becomes clear, people will look back and think "ah". Wait a minute, these are the zodiac animals, right? Seahorse? Boar? I remember those, but they're not there...

~EmmaJane~

Hi Emma! Thank you so much for the review.

And the animals I had actually are not the Zodiac ones. You're right--maybe I should use the original animals and maybe I should put that part back in there. Hmm...

Anyway, thank you again for the review!

Yes! Another Furuba fan! And you even have it in your username.

I think my favorite character so far is Julie. She's very similar to me, in fact. And I love how you used a Chinese last name! China rocks! Well...you meant it to be Chinese, right? Y'know, 'Zhu'?

Here's one suggestion--you might want to add some more characterization. Y'know, like, is Anthony tall and well-built or something? Of course, this is just the first part of many, probably, so I'll be waiting. *Gasp!* I just noticed you had...you have put out the second part! YES! (Sorry, I'm hyper. )

Anyway, I think the other reviewers' comments hold true. Except shouldn't you use the actual Zodiac animals? It would make more sense, and it's not as confusing to readers.

Still, what a great story this was! I absolutely love Furuba, so I'm right there with you on that point. Can't wait to read the second part...in fact, you'll probably see that other review coming up in about 5 minutes...