Young Writers Society

Yes, a Twilight inspired story.
Also, anyone who hasn't read Twilight--just so you aren't confused--Charlie is her father. She normally refers to him as Charlie for some reason. Charlie also refers to Bella, his daughter, Bells a lot. That's the only confusion here--with characters, I believe

The dreams flooded my head each night. Who was this Edward--and vampires? How fake! Laughing at the stupidity of my dream, I pulled off my comforter.

Two quick knocks came from my door. I would have screamed if I hadn’t heard the deep voice.

“Bells, I’m going out to breakfast. Want to come?” Charlie asked simply.

“Uhhh... sure, Ch—Dad, let me take a shower,” I retorted and tried to forget the thought of my fantasy vampires.

“Okay,” Charlie sighed and I could hear his footsteps fading.

Rolling out of bed, I dragged my feet across the dirty, tan carpet. When I reached the tile, it was freezing and sent chills through my spine. Hurrying onto the warm mat, I reached my hand into the shower and turned the knob to hot.

“Bella,” the velvet voice called.

I screamed and began panicking. Grabbing a tube of toothpaste--as a pathetic attempt to protect myself, I didn't even consider that the goop wouldn't be useful at all, or how the plastic holder wouldn't help. It probably could have helped against a human in some way.

Charlie’s voice shouted, “Bells! You okay up there?”

Glancing around, I sighed. I’m just tired, I thought to myself and crossed my arms. “Yeah, I just saw a spider,” I shouted, lying so I would sound sane.

“Okay,” he grunted and muttered something that I couldn't make out.

Ignoring the thought of the vampire and the dreams, I quickly slid out of my clothes. Climbing into the shower, I relaxed my body as the steam from the boiling water covered me like a blanket.

*

I threw some beat-up converse on and quickly tied them. Grabbing my jacket, I followed Charlie out the front door.

“So, Dad where are we going for breakfast?” I asked politely, already knowing that we were going to the diner by his station.

“The diner,” Charlie replied as he opened his car door.

Smirking at my correct guess, I walked to the other door, but something stopped me. A figure in the woods was just standing there. I could have sworn the eyes were staring at me. When I took a step forward, it disappeared.

A voice made me jump.

“Well, c’mon, Bells,” Charlie groaned as he opened the passenger door.

“Oh, yeah,” I replied, shaking the figure out of my head.

"What's up with you today?" Charlie muttered, although I could still hear it.

"Nothing," I retorted--even if he didn't want me to respond--as the figure crept back into my mind. You’re just tired, you’re just tired, you’re just tired, I kept telling myself as I got into the cruiser.

Well, to tell you the truth, I haven't read the Twilight series, so I really don't know it's plot, but I can guess alot of it.

Who was this Edward, anyways?

I know that we already know who Edward is, but, this sentence can be rearranged as 'Who was this Edward?' This seems suitable, as you haven't told us what dreams this girl was having.

Two quick knocks were on my door.

This doesn't sound right. Maybe change this to, "Two quick knocks came from my door"

I relaxed my body as the steam from the scorching water covered me like a blanket.

The scorching water part doesn't seem to match as 'scorching' means "be slightly burned by heat" Maybe, make it, 'boiling'?

I asked politely, guessing that we were going to the diner by his station.

It's more appropriate to say, "already knowing that we were going to the diner by his station"

Well, this seems a really well written story and I didn't see any spelling or grammar mistakes in it. And as this is a fanfic, I can't comment on the plot, (I don't know the plot!) so, all I can say is that you have echoed the emotions and actions of a teenager really well.

That's all I got to say. Good luck.

*ignore this. it was spam xD*

Hi, Voxina here! I'll give you a review as you ask. Next time, though, don't post just to ask for reviews. It's really spamming, and it takes up the forums where other people's work should be there to see. If you want a review, next time, PM somebody, post it under "will review for food" put a link in your signature, or put a link in your blog here. Or you can even ask somebody on chat to give you a review in return for you reviewing something of theirs. But don't post on your own story to ask for reviews. It's insulting and rude. But anyways, I'll give you an in-depth critique...

I'm aplogizing in advance in case I sound harsh. I tend to nit-pick at details that aren't quite "right" if you know what I mean. But this is starting out to be a very ineresting piece. My criticism is just to better the story, 'kay? : )

LovexPeacexRandomx3 wrote:Yes, a Twilight inspired story.

How fake. 1) It was just so… weird 2) to be having these dreams of vampires.


“Uhhh... sure, Ch—Dad, let me take a shower,” 3) I retorted


“Bella,” a velvet voice stated. 4)

That voice... it was in my dreams before. 5) I screamed and looked around, panicking. 6)


I’m just tired, I thought to myself and crossed my arms. “Yeah, I just saw a spider,” I shouted, lying so I would sound sane. 7)

“Okay,” he grunted and sighed.

Shaking the thought of the vampire out of my mind,9) I relaxed my body as the steam from the boiling water covered me like a blanket. 10)





“Oh, yeah,” I replied, shaking the figure out of my head. 11)

"What's up with you today?" Charlie muttered to himself. 12)



*I might add the second chapter. But, I'd like more reviews. *

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1) an exclamation point would really do that line some justice. Also, you should at least experiment with combining some of those fragments at the beginning. It would be more gramatically correct, and it would flow better.

2) ellipses (the .....'s if you don't know the name) are a bit amature, at least at the very beginning of a story. Furthermore, you could have "weird" in italics and get the same effect.

3)now I'm confused. Is Charlie her dad?

4) 'stated' just doesn't sound right, not after such a flowery term as "velvet". It sucks the romance right out of the phrase.

5)ellipses again.

6) 'looked around' doesn't seem dramatic enough. Try something more descriptive.

7) I love this part! It's one of my favorite devices in stories that are a bit fantatical, sort of showing that the character is down-to-earth even if the story is fantasy and impossible in reality. the element of realistic emotion and thought for the characters is very important in a supernatural story, if you know what I mean. It gives it credence.

Charlie sure sighs a lot. Try adding another trait, something else that gives the emotional effect without being repetitive.

9) Bella (if that is her name?) shakes her head too much. Try another little tic to give it a visual.... um, reference

10) If it's boiling water, she should be screaming in agony. try 'hot' instead.

11) That head-shaking habit of hers. She needs more than one trait like that, unless you want her to have compulsive tendencies. That would work. If you wanted a story about vampires and OCD, come to think of it, that would be kind of fun... anyways, give her more than one mannerism.

12) If he's asking her a question, he isn't talking to himself. It needs to be one or the other.

...........

All in all, this is a very good piece. I haven't read twilight, so I'm not biased, at least yet, about the whole "not another twilight fan" thing.

People really do get posessive over their favorite series, eh? Anyways, this is really good, and I can't wait until you post more! Please, write. I eat stories like vampires do blood...

-Voxina