z

Young Writers Society


Suite Life of Z&C --- Dark Intentions - Chapter 3



User avatar



Gender: None specified
Points: 2000
Reviews: 3
Sat Oct 24, 2009 11:07 pm
brianbags says...



Do not proceed if you have not read chapters 1 & 2: topic53806.html



After this, I'll be posting weekly to bi-weekly because I know all this at one time can be tedious to some and turn them off.



---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 3:

Cody frowned as Zack walked away from his desk. His brother almost turned back, making him think that he might apologize for his mean words. Then Mrs. Thomas’ cranky voice grabbed Zack’s attention, screeching his name.

Bob turned around and asked Cody what happened, acting as though he wasn’t listening the entire time.

“Zack has this weird idea in his head. He thinks that he’s not good at anything, but I know he is. He said the stuff he’s good at––like popularity––doesn’t actually matter, and he wishes he could be like me in things like academics. He’s not really that stupid; he just lacks common sense,” Cody said with a smile on his face as he watched Ms. Turner return. “If he would put in the time to study, he would do just fine.”

Moments passed as Bob struggled with a comforting reply, but finally came up with something just as the teacher started talking.

“Okay class, sorry about that. There was just another problem from our ‘star student’ that needed attention,” Ms. Turner said sarcastically. “So we were discussing factoring…”

“I never really knew he felt that way,” Bob finally answered, continuing the conversation while Ms. Turner was instructing. Cody nodded; he always knew it in a sense.

Minutes later Bob shot a rubber band across the room, whacking Ms. Turner in the back of the head. Just as she turned around to her finger at him, Mrs. Friendly’s deep voice bellowed over the loudspeaker: “Please pardon the interruption, but Mr. Favinger, if you could please come to the office immediately. Thank you.”

They all knew what that meant; someone was in the building. This was more serious than a code-blue, and no one was alerted of a drill taking place, so the class went to the back of the room and crunched down quietly. Cody suddenly remembered Zack and wondered where he was. He got a sick feeling in his stomach…

Seconds later, there was a banging on the door. The banging gradually grew into a loud thumping, as Ms. Turner listened and watched fearfully. And then she remembered: she had forgotten to lock the door! At seemingly the same moment as this thought raced through her brainwaves, the door knob slowly began to turn. Opening the door, a man dressed in black wearing a mask took one look at Ms. Turner, lifted up his gun, and blew her head off. The kids jumped, shocked at what had just happened right before their very eyes. A few started crying as the murderer peered around the room.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Principal Morris quickly got to his feet, commanding Zack to hide in the closet. Thinking of how much of a nervous wreck Cody must be at this point, Zack walked over to the closet and knelt down with a grin on his face. He loved drills that took time out of the boring day.

Mr. Morris shot Zack a mean look when he saw he was smiling.

“What’s wrong with you, boy?”

“Nothing, I just think drills are fun,” Zack replied casually.

“I am the principal of the school. I would know if there was a drill. This is NOT a drill.”

Zack thought for a moment and then realized that he was talking to the leader of the school…the one who would plan a drill…

His face grew more serious as Principal Morris threw the door shut.

“Wait, where are you going?” Zack called through the closet. His response was a slamming the door leading into the office.

Boom! A loud gunshot came from above that made Zack jump. He looked up and remembered that Ms. Turner’s room was right on top of the office he was in.

“Cody! No!!” Zack thought frantically, forcing his eyes shut as tightly as possible. “It can’t be. This can’t be happening...”

Another gunshot came from the floor above him. And then, silence. Zack sat still for a minute worrying about the safety of Cody and his other friends who were left in the room.

Wondering where the police were, Zack listened to four more gunshots and a few people screaming. He heard the floorboards squeaking, as if someone was walking towards him. More scared than he had ever been in his entire life, Zack squeezed his eyes shut as much as possible, hoping he would he would wake up from this terrible nightmare. The man investigated the room, finally opening the closet door and finding Zack inside. Zack was violently hooded before he could open his eyes to see what was going on. He fidgeted, yelled, and tried to fight, but the masked-man was just too powerful. The kidnapper dragged Zack out of the office and out the side doors of the school. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Carey immediately ran over to the corded phone in the kitchen and anxiously wondered who she should call. The first person who came to mind was Kurt, her ex-husband. They agreed that Carey would always contact him in case of an emergency with the boys. But considering what has been happening lately with him, Carey frantically dialed Bob’s mother’s phone number. It rang twice until she picked up the phone.

“Carey!! What’s going on!?! I just turned the news––”

“I know!!! What do we do?!” Carey almost yelled into the phone.

“Okay, let’s just calm down for a second here. I’m sure all three of our boys are fine. There are many, many kids in the school. The chances that our kids are affected by this in any way are very slim.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” Carey said while running her hand through her hair, trying to calm down.

Carey then heard a gasp from Mrs. Bobby that sent a cold chill down her spine.

“Umm…Carey, are you watching Channel 10?”

“Nope, Channel 3. Why?”

“Well turn to Channel 10…” Mrs. Bobby said nervously.

Carey quickly threw down her corded phone in the kitchen, running over to get the cordless out of what you could hardly call a living room. Pressing the channel up button four times, she finally arrived at Channel 10. Her mouth fell open even wider than it did just a few minutes ago.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cody sat in shock just after seeing his terrible teacher being executed. He looked up and saw the man in black had his eyes fixed on him.

The criminal pointed at Cody, signaling him to get up. When Cody gave him a confused look, the psycho lifted the gun from his side and pointed it at his head. The boy quickly got to his feet and walked tentatively towards the front of the room. Bob then decided that he wanted to try to play hero when his friend was grabbed roughly by the arm and pulled towards the door.

“Hey! Where do you think you’re going with him?”

The mysterious man turned around slowly, lifted and cocked his gun, and then pulled the trigger. Cody and all the other eyewitnesses gasped, and many continued crying.

Frozen, Cody stood there, hoping he would just wake up from this horrible nightmare.

“LET’S GO!!!” the man yelled.

Cody turned around slowly, and, with a ghostly look on his face, he stared up in complete and utter amazement at the man he believed to be dead.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Remember that the next chapter will be up in about a week or two. There are 8 chapters plus an alternate ending in this story.
  





User avatar
124 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 12298
Reviews: 124
Mon Oct 26, 2009 11:54 pm
PatriciaTina says...



Hey again! As I said before, I'm very sorry that this is so late, but finally here I am to review! So let's get going!

Nit-Picks

There was just another problem from our ‘star student’ that needed attention


Would a teacher really be that mean and sarcastic? *shrugs* I guess it depends on the teacher though.

Just as she turned around to her finger at him, Mrs. Friendly’s deep voice bellowed over the loudspeaker:


To finger at him? Maybe reword.

And then she remembered: she had forgotten to lock the door!


Be careful when using exclamation points. Only use them when absolutely necessary, and here it's not absolutely necessary. Also, maybe reword this a bit because I find that it's a bit awkward.

Opening the door, a man dressed in black wearing a mask took one look at Ms. Turner, lifted up his gun, and blew her head off.


Please don't say something like 'blew her head off.'. It's just awkward, and kind of a cliche. And I'm not sure if that would even happen. You can't blow someone's head off. Find another way to say that.

The kids jumped, shocked at what had just happened right before their very eyes.


Wouldn't there be screaming? Wouldn't the kids be more scared? You need to describe a bit more.

“I am the principal of the school. I would know if there was a drill. This is NOT a drill.”


Ahhhh! Caps! Not necessary, don't overuse them! (Or use them at all, for that matter. At least not in a serious story like this.)

The man investigated the room, finally opening the closet door and finding Zack inside.


Make this a separate paragraph. It's a new point of view, so it shouldn't be in the same one.

Mrs. Bobby


Bob Bobby? Just wanted to point that out. Maybe change the last name to something more creative.

Carey quickly threw down her corded phone in the kitchen, running over to get the cordless out of what you could hardly call a living room. Pressing the channel up button four times, she finally arrived at Channel 10. Her mouth fell open even wider than it did just a few minutes ago.


Awkwardness. Also, why do you keep doing this to us! Stop with the cliffhangers! Gah! :lol:

Cody sat in shock just after seeing his terrible teacher being executed. He looked up and saw the man in black had his eyes fixed on him.


Awkward.

Man in black: Princess Bride! Ha ha! Just had to point that out! He he! :smt005

The criminal pointed at Cody, signaling him to get up. When Cody gave him a confused look, the psycho lifted the gun from his side and pointed it at his head. The boy quickly got to his feet and walked tentatively towards the front of the room. Bob then decided that he wanted to try to play hero when his friend was grabbed roughly by the arm and pulled towards the door.


More awkwardness.

Cody and all the other eyewitnesses gasped, and many continued crying.


Ok, as I said before, you need to describe more. This is quite a boring sentence, and we don't want boring sentences.

“LET’S GO!!!” the man yelled.


Stop with the caps! And the exclamation marks! If you're gonna use an exclamation mark, just use one! It's much better than going like !!!!!!!!! which is annoying and just screams amateur. (As do caps.)

Cody turned around slowly, and, with a ghostly look on his face, he stared up in complete and utter amazement at the man he believed to be dead.


Run-on. And as I said before, you're killing us with these cliffhangers!

That's it for the nit-picks.

Description

You really don't have very much description in here. You're just telling, not showing. We need more description! Make sure you add some.

Just a quick suggestion to help a bit with this. Maybe try to imagine yourself in their situation. How would you react? How would the people around you react? This will help you with descriptions of the feelings etc., which you need more of.

Punctuation

I said this before, but I'll say it again just to make sure you know it. Never overuse caps or exclamation marks! It just gets annoying, and nobody likes that!

Pace

I know that I've never really talked about this before, but I feel that it's necessary in this chapter. I noticed that this went a bit fast, and sometimes that's really not good, especially with the immense lack of description. Maybe expand a bit on the certain events. What do Zack and Cody feel when this is happening? What are the surroundings like? What are the reactions of the other people? Expand on this so that it doesn't feel so rushed.

Misc.

And lastly, I also noticed that you have a lot of awkwardness in here. Make sure you reword it so this is fixed.

And that's about all I have to say about this. I can't wait to read the rest! Good luck, and keep writing! Remember, practice makes perfect!

But I must bid you goodbye for now! See you around!

~ Trish :smt006
~ Patricia Tina :smt006

Don't look in the spoiler.

Spoiler! :
I lost the game.

"I always hear punch me in the face when you're speaking, but it's usually subtext."
~ Dr. John Watson
  





User avatar
547 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Female
Points: 49345
Reviews: 547
Wed Nov 04, 2009 7:53 pm
captain.classy says...



Okay, well this is interesting. I think i like where you are going with this, but one cant be too sure. I am excited for the next chapter!
~Classy
  








i, too, use desk chairs for harm and harm alone
— Omni