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Silent hill Girl in the Fire ch 2



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Thu Jul 16, 2009 8:09 am
Maki-Chan says...



*What if My friends and I attended a boarding school in Silent Hill? The main characters are based off of real people.*


Chapter 2
Bad dreams and a ghost hunt


[i]Sitting in her desk, Allie was trying to finish her assignment. A strange chant whispered behind her. Slowly, she looked over to see Lizzy facing the corner in the far side of the classroom. No one else seemed to notice her, so Allie walked over to her. “Lizzy, what are you doing here? We don’t have this class together.”
Allie tried to touch her friend, but she quickly moved to side avoiding Allie’s touch. “Lizzy, are you ok?”
She tried to face Lizzy, but she stepped towards the open door leading to the hallway. As Allie inched her way closer, something grabbed Lizzy and pulled her into the hallway. “Lizzy!” Allie screamed as her heart pounded.
She chased after her determined to save her. Allie quickly ran out and faced the thing that was dragging Lizzy away. “Oh my god.”
A tall monstrous being hunched over Lizzy as it pulled her away while she was facedown. It resembled a muscular man wearing a dirty blood stained white robe with no sleeves. His hands squeezed Lizzy’s shoulders making them bleed as her flesh began to tear from her bones. He wore a pyramid-shaped rusty hunk of metal helmet that was grafted onto his head. His skin was a sickly green like he smudged vomit all over his body. It made her want to throw up. The man tightened his hold of her skin and pulled up, making the flesh from her shoulders snap off from her body. Lizzy dropped onto the floor making a loud thump. Allie shuttered at the sound of Lizzy’s moaning as she stood up facing the Pyramid head man. Slowly, Lizzy turned to face Allie. “Allie…” Her eye sockets were dark and empty, and blood was flowing down her cheeks. “I’m burning.”
Lizzy caught aflame. The blight light made Allie cover her eyes.

[/i]
****

Jolting up, Allie realized that she had just been dreaming. “Ugh, what a messed up dream.”
Allie looked around, realizing that she was in her room back in the girl’s dormitory. “Oh ya, I remember now. I came to relax in my room before lunch, and I must have fallen asleep.”
The images of her dream still roamed about in her head. Allie stretched her arms and walked to her bedroom mirror. “Ugh, my hair.” She grumlbed while patting head.
Grabbing a brush, Allie gently brushed her hair back into order. She watched herself in the mirror, barely seeing anything in the dark; however something caught her attention. Standing behind her, a little girl was staring at her ominously. “Hey, what are you doing in here?” Allie asked.
Turning around, Allie gasped. The little girl wasn’t there. “Hello?” She said in a fearful tone.
Looking back, she saw the girl in the mirror again. “Who are you?”
“You better go save her, and stop the ritual.” The girl ordered.
Allie turned around again. “What are you talking about?”
She looked back at the mirror and where the girl should have been. She was gone. Allie decided that was her cue to leave, quickly bolting out of her room and towards the cafeteria.

******

The lunch bell rang, echoing across the school grounds. Allie had decided to skip lunch and sat at the usual table. Ali and Crimson joined her. “Why aren’t you two eating?” Crimson wondered.
“I…well I had the most disgusting dream ever. I actually puked and I woke up!” Ali explained.
Allie tilted her head. “Hey, was Lizzy in your dream?”
Ali stared at Allie, and nodded. “How did you know?”
“Cause I had a dream about her two, and well… She died in my dream.”
Ali gasped. “Same here!”
Crimson gave them a strange look. “ You two dreamed about Lizzy dying?”
Allie sighed. “I know, weird. But, it’s strange that we both dreamt about her dying.”
“ She was burned to death in my dream.” Ali stated.
“Mine too! Did she say something about herself burning?” Allie asked.
Ali nodded. “Yeah, and her eyes were missing.”
“Wait, that has to mean something.” Crimson suggested.
All three girls nodded agreeing with one another, but they had no idea what these dreams meant. “Oh! When I woke up, I saw something. A little girl in my mirror, she said something about saving someone and stopping a ritual.” Allie added.
“Are you sure you weren’t still dreaming?” Crimson questioned.
Allie sighed. “I’m not sure.”
“Hey guys!” A voice shouted.
The three girls looked over to see Lizzy skipping towards them, a huge grin on her face. She stopped in front of the table. “Guess what I got!” She giggled.
They shrugged. “What darling?” Crimson asked.
“Tadaa!” Lizzy shouted.
Two curved metal sticks lay in her hands. “What are those?” Ali asked.
“Divining rods!” Lizzy answered.
“Huh?” Allie said in confusion.
“You know! Those weird sticks paranormal investigators use in scanning potentially haunted locations.” Lizzy explained.
“Lizzy, what are you planning?” Crimson said in suspicion.
The bubbling brunette girl giggled and shrugged. “Well, I was planning on going ghost hunting tonight!”
Lizzy expected the sounds of excitement, but instead received silence. “Come on! It’s going to be fun and adventurous!”
“Ermm. Lizzy you do know that students aren’t allowed to wonder around after 9:30?” Ali told her.
“Yeah, so?” Lizzy responded.
“I thought you would say that.” Ali sighed.
“Well its high time that we did something dangerous together! I mean the only person among us who got in trouble was Allie, and only cause she loves to beat people up!” Lizzy explained.
“Hey!” Allie yelled.
Lizzy hugged Allie. “I love you.” She said trying to get out of being in trouble.
Allie sighed. “I love you too.”
Ali and Crimson chuckled at what had just happened. “I’ll go.” Ali answered.
“Me too.” Crimson smiled.
Everyone stared at Allie waiting for her answer. “Oh fine. I’ll go too.” She grumbled.
“Hurray!” Lizzy cheered.
The sound of growling stomachs interrupted her cheers. “Erm.” Allie, Ali and Lizzy whispered.
“We should get something to eat.” Lizzy suggested.
“Yeah.” Ali agreed finally feeling hungry.
The three girls dashed towards the lunch line, leaving Crimson giggling as she watched them run.


********

“How did we end up like this?” Ali grumbled.
Here they were, trying to not get caught .The four girls hiding in the boarding school’s park. Ali was hunched down behind a bush, while mosquitoes sucked her blood. Lizzy was in a tree, Allie was behind the tree, and Crimson sat besides Ali behind the bushes.

15 minutes earlier

Crimson, Ali, Allie and Lizzy met in Lizzy’s room. While she gathered supplies, the three girls gasped at her room. “Geeze Lizzy. Ever heard of tidiness?” Ali chuckled.
Crimson examined the many drawings covering Lizzy’s walls. “Aww, so cute.” Crimson said as she pointed at the drawing of a cat girl playing with a ball of yarn Lizzy had drew.
“Where is it?” Lizzy complained.
Allie was sitting on Lizzy’s messy bed, holding the divining rods. “What are you looking for?” Allie asked.
“I know it’s here somewhere. I just can’t, oh! Here it is.” Lizzy announced.
She turned around and held a book in her arms. “The paranormal guide for idiots.”
Ali tried to suppress a laugh, but chuckles got through. “Why do you need that!” Ali asked.
“ Well I am not very experienced with ghosts, so I can use this!” Lizzy answered truthfully.
No one said it, but Crimson, Allie and Ali felt that ‘those’ brands of books fitted Lizzy nicely. “Well, let’s get going. “Crimson said.
Lizzy looked around. “One sec.”
She rummaged through her piles of stuff and pulled out a hat. Lizzy placed it on her head. “What the hell Lizzy.” Allie declared.
The hat she was wear was in the style of Sherlock Homes.” We have a mystery to solve.” Lizzy proclaimed.
“Ah, how precious.” Allie giggled.
“Huh?” Lizzy asked.
“So cute.” Crimson added.
“What?” Lizzy asked again.
“Only you would do that.” Ali giggled.
“Nya! Stop it. I’m serious.” Lizzy bickered.
The three girls continued to laugh at Lizzy’s actions. “Forget it, let’s go.” Lizzy grumbled.
She stepped out of her room and waited for the others to join her. “Onwards towards the ghosts!” Lizzy shouted too loud.
Ali quickly covered her mouth. “Lizzy be quiet.” She whispered in her ear.
Lizzy blushed and nodded.
Thirteen minutes had past and they had found nothing. Lizzy was beginning to lose interest. “Why can’t we find anything? Why am I the only one who hasn’t had anything paranormal happen?”
Crimson sighed and patted Lizzy on the shoulder. “It’s ok, we’ll find you a ghost.”
Allie was still holding the divining rods. She was walking father down the hallway away from the three other girls. Then instantly the rods shook without her moving them.” You can’t be serious?” Allie whispered in disbelief.
Ali walked over to Allie. “Wow.”
They watched the rods shake in Allie’s hands. “Lizzy, Crimson get over here.” Ali whispered.”
Looking foreward Allie saw a figure standing besides the corner of the hallway. It was the little girl she had seen before. “It's the g-“
“Ghost!” Lizzy shouted in joy as she ran past Allie and toward the girl.
“Wait!” Crimson, Allie and Ali yelled at once.
Lizzy ignored them, too occupied with capturing the phantom. The three girls quickly chased after her. Lizzy led them outside of the girl’s dormitory and into the school’s park. The brunette soon stopped in front of a tree, bending over panting. “Aww. I couldn’t catch it.” She said out of breath.
“Of course you can’t catch it. It’s a ghost!” Ali explained.
Lizzy paused for a moment. “Oh. I forgot.”
“Only you Lizzy.” Allie sighed.
“Where did it go?” Crimson wondered aloud.
Everyone looked around. “I’m not sure. She was way too fast. Man am I outta shape!” Lizzy panted.
The sounds of footsteps mad the four girls silent. “Oh crap. It's the security guard.” Allie whispered.

Now

Hiding, the girls watched as the security guard walk down the park’s pathway holding his flashlight looking for anything suspicious. They waited for ten minutes after the guard faded into the distance. Lizzy jumped out of the tree, and over to the bushes along with Allie. “That was close.” She murmured.
They were about to relax, however the sound of more footsteps whipped past them. Quickly, Allie and Lizzy hunched down to hide in the bushes with Crimson and Ali. Lizzy carefully pushed her head into the bushes to see on the other side. She held in a gasp as she saw a huge boot in front of her view. Looking up, Lizzy saw whom that boot belonged too, and she wasn’t happy about it either. It was a person wearing a mining suit, and a gas mask.
Last edited by Maki-Chan on Fri Jul 17, 2009 11:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Thu Jul 16, 2009 9:23 am
defendthelegend says...



hey,
I love this chapter, as much as the first one. Have you written the whole story or are you posting them as you write them?

How do you get your ideas, it's all kind of creepy though, you had me a tiny bit scared!
I wrote your name in the sand and the sea washed it away! I wrote your name in my heart and there it will stay.
  





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Thu Jul 16, 2009 7:42 pm
Maki-Chan says...



I knew you would love it ^_^ I wanted my silent hill fanfiction to be actually plausible (Sorta) and that I want the readers to see how close the 4 friends are.

Also I knew I wanted the Order to be apart of this fanfiction, and if you don't know what that is it will be explained in the story later on.

I am really glad you were scared. Which part made you scared?



Going to start chapter 3 tonight it is going to be called... "chase scene and more nightmares" (i think)
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Fri Jul 17, 2009 5:18 am
octocoffee says...



Hey again Maki-chan! Sorry this one took a bit longer, I had work to do and whatnot in ‘real life’. Anyway, let’s go!
(Oh, and about your response. If the people just think they’re crazy, that certainly makes sense. I’m just not sure why you need the medical disorders is all)
She tried to face Lizzy, but shy steppedshy-stepped towards the open door leading to the hallway.

A tall, monstrous being hunched over Lizzy as it pulled her away while she faced the ground’, facedown’ might sound better here. It resembled a muscular man wearing a dirty blood stainedblood-stained, white robe with no sleeves. His hands squeezed Lizzy’s shoulders, making them bleed as her flesh began to tear from her bones. The man wore a rusty hunk of metal pyramid-shaped helmet grafted onto his head.This sentence is sort of just awkward. His skin was a sickly green that seemedOmit this. like he smudged vomit all over his body. It made her want to throw up. The man tightened his hold of her skin and pulled up, making the flesh from her shoulders snap off from her body. Lizzy dropped onto the floor making a loud thump. Allie shuttered at the sound of Lizzy’s moaning as she stood up facing the Pyramid head man. Slowly, Lizzy turned to face Allie. “Allie…” Her eye sockets were dark and empty, and blood was flowing down her cheeks. “I’m burning.”

Your description of these horror scenes is strong. Nice job, I felt a little queasy. I do like the recurring repetition of “I’m burning”, it makes the tone really ominous. I think, to make these scenes even stronger, slow down the pace and add more description. You know, like how in movies it seems like time seems to stretch on and on and you get more and more nervous. Slowing things down just builds suspense, which is important in a good horror story/film.
“Ugh, my hair.” She referred to her bed head.

I think it’s obvious she doesn’t like the way her hair looks, so the second sentence isn’t necessary.
HereThere they were, trying to not get caught .The four girls were hiding in the boarding school’s park. Ali was hunched down behind a bush, while mosquitoes sucked her blood. Lizzy was hiding in a tree, Allie was hidingthis is fine without the word ‘hiding’ behind the tree, and Crimson was sittingsat besidesbeside Ali behind the bushes.

Thirteen minutes had past and they had found nothing. Lizzy was beginning to looselose interest.

Looking forewordforward, Allie saw a figure standing besides the corner of the hallway. It was the little girl she had seen before. “It's the g-“

Lizzy ignored them, as she was too much occupied trying to get the phantom.This is long and awkward. Just ‘too occupied with capturing the phantom’ would work. The three girls quickly chased after her. Lizzy leadled them outside of the girl’s dormitory and into the school’s park.

The last section in general was great! That’s exactly how your writing should be overall. I thought this chapter was stronger than the last one, and I only have a few suggestions. Again, go over your story and rephrase sentences where it falls into a ‘noun-verb’ format for every start of a sentence. Also, more description would strengthen the story. The places where you take the time to show the reader what is going on are the best parts. So make that apparent everywhere! When you write dialogue, you tend to skimp on the describing, but that’s easily remedied. When Crimson or Ali or another girl is talking, just take a sentence or two to show what they’re doing. Maybe they’re twirling their hair. Maybe they’re shocked at what someone else said, so they dropped their book.
What you have is great, keep up the nice work!
Octo
...if you are going to step on a live mine, make it your own. Be blown up, as it were, by your own delights and despairs. ~ Ray Bradbury
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Fri Jul 17, 2009 10:33 pm
Maki-Chan says...



thanks ^_^ I am really glad that you liked this. My main goal is to get this finished before school, but I am also trying to fix stuff up. So, thanks for the help. Umm... if you don't mind I posted chapter 3 and 4 if you wanna check them out. ^_^
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