Young Writers Society

I am only going to post the first chapter+prologue, only to see how I am doing. Don't be too mean, I haven't done much writing in a while.


Silent hill
Girl in the fire

Prologue


It was an early foggy morning at the large town of Ashfield. The sun wasn't even visible past the cloads that hovered just above the eastern horizon. The town was mostly still slumbering; however in the local mental hospital a doctor and a patient were awake. The two were sitting in the doctor's office. “I am going to ask you a few simple questions before we begin. First off, what is your name?”
“Elizabeth Miller.” The patient answered quickly.
“What do people usually call you?”
“Lizzy” the patient swung her legs as she sat in the chair.
“What is your current occupation?”
“I am currently an unemployed high school student.”
“Do you know where you are?”
“Ashfield mental hospital.”
“Do you know why?”
“I am here because I am being 'treated' for post-traumatic stress syndrome.” Lizzy said sarcasticly.
The doctor ignored her tone of voice. “Do you know how long you have been here?”
“For about a year.”
“Did anyone else check in with you?”
“Yes.”
“Who?”
“My three other friends, Crimson Oliver, Ali Gobble, and Allie Sutich.”
“Why are they here?”
“For post-traumatic stress syndrome, Clinical Depression, and Schizophrenia.”
“Do you know what happened to make you all experience these mental illnesses?”
“Be-because…” Lizzy paused.
Sitting alone with the doctor made Lizzy incledibly nervous. She watched him carefully as he wrote down all of her answers. The girl brushed her fingers through her frizzy brunette hair that covered her face. Covering her body from her toes up to her belly was scared flesh from burning in a fire. Breathing deeply, Lizzy was trying to calm down her pounding heart, but with little success.
Seeing her figet and breathing heavier, the doctor knew she was getting more uneasy. “It’s alright, what do you need to help keep you calm?”
“Can I… is it alright if my friends come in here? I haven’t seen them since we were first brought here.” She begged him.
“Well, I will have to check with them first but sure.” He smiled.
“Umm. Doctor, I never got your name.” Lizzy stated.
“Why, my name is Dr. Kaufmann.” He introduced himself.
Trying to act friendly, she gave a small grin, before a nurse entered the room. “Dr. Kaufmann, I have them waiting outside. Shall I let them in?”
The doctor nodded, and the nurse opened the door. “Alight, you three may enter.”
Three girls walked in. The first one was Ali. Her frizzy flat hair was pushed behind her ears, and her eyes had a sad gleam to them. The second one was Crimson. Her pale was a sickly pale and clammy. Covering her face, her hair was a huge mess of blong. Hiding behind her hair, a pair of green orbs stared at the poeple in the room. The last one was Allie. Looking angry, Allie kept on spitting in her hand and slickling her greesy black bangs back. Hiding . Seeing their messy hair and baggy eyes, Lizzy could tell they had got little sleep.
They all wore hospital gowns, along with Lizzy. “Hey guys.” waving slowly at them.
The three girls stared empty mindedly at Lizzy, almost as if she wasn't there. Then Crimson, Ali and Ally rushed to her and embraced Lizzy with a group hug. “I’m so glad you’re ok.” Ali sniffled.
Lizzy saw a tear trickle down Ali’s cheek. Seeing her begin to cry made Lizzy start crying too. “You idiot, you almost died!” Allie scolded her, trying to hold back her tears.
They all broke from the hug almost a little bit unwillingly. Crimson quickly brushed the tears from Lizzy’s and Ali’s faces. “ Stop crying. Everything is going to be ok, I promise.” She said comfortingly.
“Excuse me, but I can’t afford to waste too much time.” The doctor interrupted.
Lizzy nodded. “Sorry.”
“Please, take a seat.” He pointed to the three empty seats beside Lizzy.
“ Now then. The reason I am having this ‘interview’ is because it is important to know how you all ended up like this. So tell me everything that happened between the time you three disappeared to the moment you were discovered by the police.”
The four girls looked at each other. “Umm…you may not believe what happened.” Allie responded.
The doctor sighed. “Well, I am not like most people. I will believe everything you four say. Just promise me that you all speak truthfully, and with as much detail as possible.”
Crimon looked around began to explain, “Well, I guess this all started about a year ago, a day before we ‘disappeared’ in our boarding school located just on the boarders of Silent hill. It was early morning and I was awake ready to take my morning shower, when I started to notice something strange.”

Chapter 1
Strange mirrors and tackle hugs

The sun was barely peeking over the eastern horizon, when a sixteen-year-old girl, with long golden blond hair and snow white skin decided to wake up. She normally would wake up around dawn, but something had awoken her. Since Crimson couldn’t fall back asleep, she decided to take this chance to have a shower. Yawing, she stretched her arms. Then she quickly grabbed her towel, and a set of the school uniform. She sighed, missing being able to wear what she wanted. Crimson stared at the white-collar shirt and navy blue skirt. They quickly departed her room and towards the girl’s shower room.


Crimson rinsed the shampoo out of her hair. She was alone in the steamy girl’s shower room. Turning off the water, she quickly grabbed her towel and wrapped it around her body. She walked towards one of the changing stalls, passing a mirror. Crimson stopped in front of it. The mirror was completely covered in water from the steam, however there was something strange. Looking towards the left part of the mirror, she noticed that there was a fresh handprint. Crimson looked around to see if anyone else was in the room, but she was alone. “Hello? Is there anyone else in here?”
There was no response. Crimson sighed and took a closer look at the handprint. It was rather odd, looking like it belonged to a small child. Feeling somewhat nervous, she decided to change in her room. However, when she was right about to leave she heard someone crying. It was coming from one of the changing stalls. Crimson’s heart began to pound in her throat, as she turned around and walk towards the stall. “A-Are you ok?”
She placed her hand on the stall’s door and pushed it open. “Hello?”
Opening the door, Crimson realized that it was empty. She released a heavy sigh, trying to calm down. Quickly she walked towards the door leading to the hallway. A low pitch noise groaned into her ear, and a cold chill brushed down her spine. Slowly, she began to turn when something with brunette hair slammed into the front of her body. “Crimson!”
Crimson looked foreword to see it was Lizzy hugging her. “H-hey, Lizzy.”
Releasing Crimson, she backed away. Noticing how nervous her friend sounded. “Hey, are you ok?”
Lizzy watched as Crimson looked around frantically. “Were you the one making those noises?” Crimson asked.
She shook her head. “What kind of noises?”
“Well, I thought I heard someone crying, and then someone moaning at me.” Crimson whispered probably realizing how crazy she sounded.
“Also I found a weird handprint on the mirror. Looks like it belongs to a little kid.” She pointed to the mirror.
Examining it, Lizzy sighed. “Awww… there’s nothing. Hey Crimson are you sure?”
Crimson nodded. “Well, I believe you then. You wouldn’t lie about something like this.”
Lizzy smiled, and patted her friend on the back. “Come on, I’ll escort you back to the room just in case, ok?”

***************

It was now 7:00 am, and Lizzy was grabbing breakfast with Crimson in the school cafeteria. “I’m tired.” Lizzy complained while rubbing her eyes.
Giggling, Crimson told her. “You should be used to this. Classes have always started at 8.”
Yawing, Lizzy shrugged. “Oh, look it's Ali and Allie.” She announced pointing at a table.
A short girl with medium length flat dirty blond hair, and a girl with medium length black hair with her bangs slicked back were sitting at a table, Lizzy and Crimson walked over to the table to sit with their friends. “Hey Crimson and Lizzy.” Allie greeted.
“How did you guys sleep?” Ali asked.
Lizzy crossed her arms and frowned. “Awful! I was having a great dream, and then my alarm went off.”
“What about you Crimson?” Ali asked her.
“Alright.”
“No! You have to tell us what happened to you this morning!” Lizzy blurted out.
Crimson sighed. Truthfully she wanted to forget what had happened to her, but she didn’t want to disappoint Lizzy. “Today I woke up earlier than normal because I heard a strange noise. So, I decided to take an early morning shower, and when I was done I saw a child’s handprint on the glass. Then I heard someone crying in one of the changing stalls, when I opened it no one was there. After that something was moaning at me, and then Lizzy glomped me.”
The three girls stared at Crimson. “Cool! The school is haunted!” Allie shouted.
“That’s kinda creepy. Are you ok?” Ali said
“Yeah.”
“Thank god I was there!” Lizzy shouted, trying to sound impressive.
Allie, Ali and Lizzy giggled at the thought of something exciting could happen, but Crimson remained silent.
Something to her just didn’t feel right.

*****************

It was now around 8 am, and Ali was in her study hall class. She didn’t really like this class, so she couldn’t help but fall asleep…

“Hey! Wait for me Lizzy!” Ali called out.
In front of her was Lizzy, running away from her. “Stop!”
Finally Ali caught up to her. She placed her hand on Lizzy’s shoulder and made her stop. “Geeze Lizzy. Why were you running?”
Slowly, Lizzy turned her head. Ali gasped at what she saw. Lizzy’s eyes had been torn out, leaving two empty eye sockets with blood trickling from them. “I have to burn.”
Instantly, Lizzy’s body caught on fire making Ali scream.

Ali opened her eyes, and rushed towards the garbage. The smell of the burning human flesh was too much for her, even if it was just a dream. “S-sir may I go to the nurses office?”
The teacher nodded, and Ali bolted out of the classroom. She slowed down once she was far away from her classroom. “What the hell?” Ali muttered to herself.
She had no idea why she dreamt of her friend dying, it was just too disturbing for her to understand. Ali soon spotted the nurse’s office, and decided she needed to lay down. She hoped that she wouldn’t have another dream like that.

Hey,

I think it is very good, but just a few things.

The names Ali, and Ally are too similar, they make it too confusing, esspecially as we are new to the story, and it gets really confusing.

Also there is a lot of stuttering in the prologue and the first chapter, maybe a bit too much.

Also in the prologue you describe the look of the friends and then at the beginning of the first chapter you descibe crimson again, that isn't needed.


Having said that, I like the beginning layout, I thought it was going to be really bad, but it was in fact really good, I love reading there fore I am not finding this difficult, I can not write books, but I can read them!

keep on writing it, I would love to read more of this book.

you like it? Thanks I am writing this out of boredom, and the fours main characters (Lizzy, Crimson, Ali and Ally) are me and my friends. I was too lazy to make up characters so I am using myself and my friends.


Sure, I will describe them in chapter 1 too. I think you'll love chapter 2. It starts out as a dream. ^_^



btw- I realized I spelt one of my friends' name wrong (oops) Ally= Alli. v_v-sigh....

You were too lazy to make up characters? deary me!


couple of things... you really mention people's hair too much in this. And the colour of their eyes. Its much better to get a good feel for the kind of person they are- are they nervous? quiet? loud mouthed? do they look like the kind of person that would lend you library books or try and rob you? Telling us someones hair colour and eye colour is really boring and forgettable- you want your characters to be UNforgettable, so try and convey their quirks and personality in the writing.

Good point. I will most defenlty do that. ^_^

Konbanwa, Maki-chan! Hajimemashite. Ima, iku yo! (Ignore my silly Japanese. I’m a beginner, so I don’t know too much xD)

“I am going to ask you a few simple questions before we begin. First off, what is your name?”

One thing I’ve learned from YWS is that dialogue sometimes isn’t the strongest hook. Since you begin with someone speaking right off the bat, it is sort of left to fend for itself. We, the readers, have no idea who is speaking, what they look like, who they’re talking to, etc. There are… twenty lines of dialogue until we find out that this Lizzy is speaking to a doctor! Just start with something simple that identifies the situation quickly, like “The doctor stared at the troubled girl and gently said, ‘I am going to as you a few simple questions before we begin.’” See? The reader immediately knows that there is a doctor and a girl, and perhaps they would like to read on because they are curious about why she is ‘troubled’. It’s a poor hook, but you get my drift.

Also, with these twenty lines, there is little describing the situation. What is Lizzy doing? Is she looking
at him frankly? Is she nervous to be around him? Maybe she fidgets in her seat or she’s stiff as a board, her hands tucked under her legs. What about the doctor? Is he writing everything down as she says it, or does he wait a bit because he doesn’t want to make her feel uncomfortable? Take the time to think and imagine the situation, and write down what you envision.

“What is your current employment?”
“I am currently an unemployed high school student.”

This piece feels a bit awkward. I think it’s more realistic if the doctor simply asked ‘Are you employed?’ or ‘What is your occupation?’ and I’m thinking if she’s a high school student, she speaks a little more casual than that, something along the lines of ‘I’m a freshman/sophomore/etc in high school.’

“Ashfield mental hospital.”

I’m also writing a story about a girl who goes to what you refer to as a ‘mental hospital’. However, I did some research and it turns out that nowadays they aren’t referred to as mental hospitals anymore, due to the connotations of the phrase. Since Lizzy is a minor, she would probably be referred to a juvenile ward and the names of these places are things like ‘Ashfield Asylum’, ‘Ashfield Psychiatric Hospital’, ‘Ashfield Retreat’, etc. If this takes place in modern-day (I’m assuming it is), Lizzy and her friends would have to be in extreme condition to be placed in the care of a juvenile ward. This means they would have suicidal tendencies, violent outbursts, drug addictions, or possibly eating disorders. So for this to work, these girls had better be pretty messed up.

“I am here because I am being treated for post-traumatic stress syndrome.”

I’m pretty sure the actual term is Post-traumatic Stress Disorder, and should always be capitalized since it is the name of a disorder. Or just use PTSD.

“For post-traumatic stress syndrome, Clinical Depression, and Schizophrenia.”

Here, ‘clinical depression’ and ‘schizophrenia’ shouldn’t be capitalized because there are general phrases for medical conditions.

She was alone in a room with a doctor. He was writing down all of her answers. The girl brushed her fingers through her medium length brunette hair. She had burns covering her from her toes up to her belly. Lizzy was trying to calm down her pounding heart, but with little success.

This information would be more effective and more interesting if you split it up and sprinkled it throughout the dialogue with other information. Honestly we don’t need to know the color of her hair that much. I’d rather know if it was knotted so it resembled the tree bark, or if it hid most of her face to hide a scar. Here you write rather passively, and it’s a little boring. See the ‘She was’, ‘He was’, ‘Lizzy was’? Try to rephrase these sentences and use strong, active verbs. Here’s my example: “Lizzy breathed deeply to try and calm her pounding heart, but with little success.”

“It’s alright, what do you need to help keep you calm?” He asked caringly.
“Can I… is it alright if my friends come in here? I haven’t seen them since we were first brought here.” She said begging him.

How does he know she’s nervous and freaking out? Is it simply from her trailing off, or are there other things she’d doing? Also, I don’t like the word ‘caringly’. There are other things that would create a stronger image. ‘She said begging him’ would be better if you just compressed it into ‘she begged’. Sometimes less is more.

“Umm. Doctor, I never got your name.” Lizzy stated.
“Why, my name is Dr. Kaufmann.” He introduced himself.
The girl gave a small grin, before a nurse entered the room. “Dr. Kaufmann, I have them waiting outside. Shall I let them in?”
The doctor nodded, and the nurse opened the door. “Alight, you three may enter.”

When there’s speaker identification, there should be a comma when the speech is done, not a period. So go with a comma after ‘name’. The word ‘stated’ doesn’t add much. When I think of stated, I think of the phrase ‘stating the facts’ and that brings to mind a confident tone. The ‘umm’ at the beginning shows that she’s a little hesitant. Just ‘said’ would be fine, and if you want to describe it all little bit, just add an adjective or appositive. Get rid of ‘He introduced himself.’ That much is obvious. I’m a little confused as to how the nurse knows to bring the girls. When did the doctor speak to the nurse? Also, Lizzy giving him a grin confuses me. Having PTSD, I think Lizzy wouldn’t smile so easily in front of a stranger. ‘Alight’ should be ‘alright’, or ‘all right’, depending on which you prefer.
Hey, from here on out I’m going to add some of the editing into the quote, just to save some typing. I’m not sure why I haven’t done that until now, but hey.

The first one was Ali, being the shortest of the three, having medium length dirty blond hair, and blue eyes. The second one was Crimson. She was the tallest and had long flowing, golden blond hair, and forest green eyes. The last one was Allie. She had medium length black hair, her bangs slicked back. She had dark brown eyes. They all wore hospital gowns, along with Lizzy. This next sentence should be in a new paragraph.“Hey guys.” Lizzy waved.

Like scribblingquill mentioned earlier, there is too much emphasis on hair colors! Well, this is just too much in one place. Space things out, so the reader isn’t bombarded with too much information at once. Just experiment and see what works for you.

Crimson, Ali and Ally rushed to her…She said kindly.

I’ve shortened the section because I don’t have much to nitpick at, but I have a general comment. This situation is just strange. You have mentioned that they all have these disorders, and this traumatic event much have changed them a lot. How is it that they’re still friends with each other?

“Now then. The reason I am having this ‘interview’ is because it is important to know how you all ended up like this. So tell me everything that happened between the time you three disappeared to the moment you were discovered by the police.”

This seems more likely if they weren’t in a mental hospital with disorders, but just as three young girls who refuse to tell anyone of what happened when they disappeared and have concerned parents. You might want to try that route instead. It’ll be difficult for you to keep up with accurate portrayals of patients with serious mental conditions, and your characterization will fit in better that way.

“Well, I guess this all started about eleven days ago, just before we ‘disappeared’ in our boarding school located just on the boarders borders of Silent hill capitalize Hill. It was early morning and I was awake ready to take my morning shower, when I started to notice something strange.” Crimson began to explain.

With such a long chunk of dialogue, it’s better to identify the speaker first.

The sun was barely peeking over the eastern horizon, when a sixteen-year-old girl, with long golden blond hairhair alert! decided to wake up. She normally would wake up around dawn, but something had awoken her. Since Crimson couldn’t fall back asleep, she decided to take this chance to have a shower. The long blond haired girlhair alert! stretched her arms and yawned. Then she quickly grabbed her towel, and a set of the school uniform. She sighed. “I miss being able to wear what I want. It’s way totoo bright for my tastes.”
Crimson meant the white-collar shirt and navy blue skirt.

Would she really talk to herself like that? Just curious. I mean, you can just say “Crimson sighed, missing the days when she could wear what she wanted. She hated the uniform. It was just too bright.” And how is white and blue too bright, in any case? And what exactly woke her up? You just mention the ‘something’ and leave it at that.

A low pitchlow-pitched noise groaned into her ear, and a cold chill brushed down her spine. Slowly, she began to turn when something with brunette hair slammed into the front of her body. “Crimson!”
Crimson looked forewordforward to see it was Lizzy hugging her. “H-hey, Lizzy.”

I just wanted to mention here that I like your descriptions! This part right here is very nice

Lizzy released Crimson and backed away… She announced pointing at a table.

There’s a lot of repetition here, structure-wise. Look at the ‘Lizzy released’, ‘she noticed’, ‘Lizzy watched’, ‘Crimson asked’, etc. These sentences all start the same way and it begins to feel monotonous. Switch things up!

Just some nitpicking:

Crimson sighed. Truthfully, she wanted to forget what had happened to her, but she didn’t want to disappoint Lizzy.

It was now around 8 am’eight in the morning’ is less jarring, and Ali was in her study hall class. She didn’t really like this class, so she couldn’t help but fall asleep…

Slowly, Lizzy turned her head. Ali gasped at what she saw. Lizzy’s eyes had been torn out, leaving two empty eye sockets with blood trickling from them. “I have to burnRemember, sentences end with periods!”
Instantly, Lizzy’s body caught on fire, making Ali screamedscream.
“S-sir may I go to the nurse’s office?”

She had no idea why she dreamt of her friend dying, it was just totoo disturbing for her to understand.

So overall, this is shaping up to be interesting. I have never seen or played Silent Hill, so I'm not sure if this is you and your friends in a Silent Hill situation, or if this is your own idea so I'm not sure if I can comment on originality that much. So far it sounds like ever other horror story I've heard, so I hope you add things in to make yours unique and exciting. Best of luck, and thank you for replying to my thread. I'll get right to work on the next chapter!

octo

Thanks I will fix those up. Btw about the crazy thing. When the police found them they told them about the monsters and such. So the poeple think they are crazy (Not really, just kinda freaking out at what had just happened.)
I'll explain everything in later chapters.