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Halo: The Fight Worth Fighting



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Sun Jan 27, 2008 4:23 am
ninja-Z says...



PART ZERO: INTRODUCTION

CHAPTER ONE

11 hours 24 minutes, March 7, 2537
Planet Beckon, UNSC military base Scarlet
Epsilon Omicron system_

It was just before noon when Corporal Jacob Gibson returned to the prime military outpost just off the outskirts of Beacon City, the Capital of Beckon. He and his scout crew dismounted their Mongoose ATVs. Jake prepared to report to his Commanding Officers (CO). He coughed from the cold dust brought up to his lungs by the Mongooses.

Was it always this cold? Jake asked himself. Then he thought of winter. I’d probably get frostbite.

Jake refocused his mind to the present. “Okay, feel a little optimistic, Jake, we won the battle three days ago,” he said out loud. He walked briskly toward the plain, metal door coated with a thin layer of frost. As he punched in a combination, the door slid open, leaving the frost behind. His boots echoed as he stepped inside the base. Instantly, a wave of warm air washed over him.

He was met at the doorway by First Lieutenant Myer, Gunnery Sergeant Newman, and Sergeant Pierce. They all wore similar, serious looks on their face.

“Good to see you made it back in one piece, Corporal,” Lucas said first.

“Thank you, Gunnery Sergeant Newman,” Jake said in return.

“Please, don’t be formal with me, Corporal. ‘Gunny’ or ‘Luke’ will be fine.”

This was why Jake admired Luke so much. The man was as friendly and considerate of others as they got in the Untied Nations Space Command (UNSC). He just wished that everyone would come to think of him that way. After all, he’d heard some extremely threatening remarks on Luke, though Luke would put his life at risk for any one of them.

“Greetings, everyone,” Jake said as they walked toward the conference room. “I think you’ll want to hear this.”

They walked into the room, and the reinforced doors locked behind them. He saw the picture of a powerful figure, the Captain of the Leaping Stallion, Captain Lee Hamilton.

“Alright, what news do you have, Corporal?” Lee asked. Everyone else’s eyes seemed to ask the same thing.

“I believe we’ve found the Covenant camp, sir,” the Corporal replied. “About 24 miles from this base.”

“Really, Corporal?” Lee said. “If so, that’s quite something. But how big is this base, approximately?”

“Sir, I’d say less than a mile. The area is pretty much just alien buildings or some sorts of tents. An unknown object in the middle of the base.”

“Sir, yes sir!”

“Well, I’ll send a few of my squads down, Corporal. Now, I have other matters to attend to.” The picture of the Captain disappeared.

“All right,” Sergeant Pierce said after a long silence. “I suppose there’s nothing more to discuss.”

“Well, let’s eat lunch first, then go check this out, alright, Corporal?”

“Sir, I’m ready when you are,” Jake responded.

* * *

After lunch, Luke took off in his own Mongoose, and so did Jake. Sergeant Pierce rode in the passenger seat of Luke’s Mongoose, looking back at the trail of dust left behind. The wheels were spinning so fast it seemed as if they were rotating backwards. The Mongooses took a short jump as gravity failed to take them down a hill, but soon recovered. When Jake slowed his Mongoose, Luke copied his movements. Soon the Mongooses had halted, their strong brakes stopping the vehicles in less than three seconds.

The soldiers now overlooked the Covenant camp. “Well, there it is. We’d better leave before we attract attention.”

“Hold on just one second, let me get a closer look,” Sergeant Pierce whispered. Taking out a pair of binoculars, the Sergeant scanned the area. “It seems there’s only Grunts and Jackals mostly, and maybe a few Elites. This can’t be all the Covenant has.”

“But perhaps it will serve as a great tactical command post. We’ll strike in two day’s time with the Lieutenant’s approval.”

“Okay, Sergeant Luke,” Jake said. He thought this was a rash decision, but he didn’t want to argue the point with him now.

“Well, let’s get back,” Pierce said. “And report to Hamilton as soon as possible. Oh, and can I drive, Gunny?”

Sergeant Alexandra Pierce pulled a gloved hand through the small amount of her light red hair hanging down beyond her gray helmet. She placed her hands on the steering bar of the Mongoose and revved up the engine. Once Luke was seated in the passenger seat, she was already halfway to the base.


Zoltan says: Now here's chapter two in this two-in-one premier of Halo: The Fight Worth Fighting! :D





CHAPTER TWO

15 hours, 5 minutes, March 8, 2537
Planet Beckon, forest battle zone
Epsilon Omicron system_

The Sangheili squad commander Ni’ra’ke (nee-rah-‘kay) huffed loudly from exhaustion. They’d been at it since before dawn, on the offensive against the humans. Once Ni’ra’ke regained his breath, he drew his Needler from his side and charged at a human, first firing a few rounds into the man’s chest, then smacking the man across in the neck, the needles in the weapon stabbing the enemy soldier’s throat. As the man fell, Ni’ra’ke contacted a group of Kig-Yar.

“Fire Particle Beam Rifles!” he shouted in his tenor, powerful voice into his microphone. He watched as precise beams of plasma went straight through a squad of Marines, downing the whole team. A squad of UNSC snipers returned the act by sniping down the group of Kig-Yar. So far, the battle wasn’t going in either side’s favor.

He gripped the Needler in his thin right hand, four long fingers curled around the weapon. In his other hand he picked from a pocket in his sleek maroon battle armor a plasma grenade. He turned it on and instantly threw it into a squad of weary UNSC Marines. As it detonated, they went flying for yards, only stopped by the trees of this huge forest.

Suddenly, the machine gun turret of a UNSC Warthog began battering at the Unggoy and Kig-Yar that were in the front line. Ni’ra’ke quickly set down a plasma shield to protect himself from the oncoming onslaught. He crouched low as to dodge the bullets, then steadied himself. If he hadn’t been in so many battles and gained as much experience as he had, he’d never attempt what he was about to do.

The Warthog kept gaining speed, crushing any Covenant in its way. This’d better work, he thought to himself. As he saw the Warthog near his position, he jumped over the blue-purple plasma shield toward the vehicle. He holstered his needler and pulled out an Energy Sword, the weapon making a slashing noise as he activated it. Then he threw himself onto the passenger seat of the Warthog and stabbed straight through the man before he knew what had struck him.

The driver screamed out in terror as he suffered the same fate as his partner. Ni’ra’ke tossed both of the corpses violently out of the vehicle and glared directly at the gunner. He allowed himself a deep, short laugh as the frightened Marine leaped out of the Warthog. The alien vehicle was now his. He beckoned for a few of the other Sangheili warriors to get in the vehicle and give the humans a taste of their own medicine. He was accustomed to these sorts of controls after stealing and using many human vehicles.

He reversed the Warthog and headed in the opposite direction toward the unsuspecting men and women fighting the ground troops. He let out the distinct Sangheili holler as he crushed or the gunner shot tens of helpless enemy targets.

But now fragmentation grenades (frag grenades) were being lobbed at the vehicle, and the Sangheili were forced to abandon the Warthog as it exploded into a heap of metal, glass, and rubber. One of them didn’t survive.

I will not allow the humans to win, Ni’ra’ke thought.

Suddenly, a shockwave rippled through the forest as he watched some five humans go flying. Next to their dead bodies was Borenifus, the leader of the Jiralhanae pack on Beckon. In his hands he held a blood-stained gravity hammer. “Looks like we came just in time,” Borenifus boomed in his gruff voice that was deeper than Ni’ra’ke’s. “I thought the great Sangheili could take care of themselves, huh Ni’ra’ke?”

Ni’ra’ke didn’t reply. Why, Prophets? Why have you sent these cursed beasts to my battle?
He was surprised that that hammer wasn’t lodged in his own chest, the tension between Sangheili and Jiralhanae was so great. Of course, this pack was special because so few Jiralhanae ever battled against a single human in their life.

Then he remembered Maccabeus and Tartarus, who had started this whole war. As least he wasn’t serving with them. Or rather, just Tartarus, for Maccabeus had been killed by Tartarus. These brutes are so brainless as to kill each other without cause, Ni’ra’ke thought to himself.

He refocused on the battle to find that it was practically won, and the human survivors were retreating. I’m sure Borenifus will laugh at me for this later.

“Commander Ni’ra’ke, my Jiralhanae will pursue them, and they shall not escape –“

“No, fool, it is obvious that there will be a trap,” Ni’ra’ke responded. “Let them go, for it is a victory for the Covenant.”

“But Commander-“

“Are you questioning my authority on the issue?” Ni’ra’ke interrupted once again, questioningly.

The Borenifus gave out a snort of annoyance and let the matter go.

Ni’ra’ke called for pickup from the Sangheili, and after five minutes’ wait, the remainders of the Covenant forces were picked up by Phantom dropships.

We’ll see who gets the last laugh when this is all over, Borenifus, Ni’ra’ke thought to himself. It shall not be you.
Last edited by ninja-Z on Wed Jan 30, 2008 3:01 am, edited 3 times in total.
  





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Sun Jan 27, 2008 9:31 am
Griffinkeeper says...



You're info-dumping all over this.

Beckon had a humid-continental climate for the most part, but was divided into three main land regions. The first was the Developed Region. It contained almost all of the cities, about seventy-five total, not to mention smaller towns and settlements. Next was the Shift Desert, which was the smallest, warmest section. Last were the mild-climated Forests of the North. More or likely, he’d fight in all three of these terrains, not to mention other, smaller terrains of war.


Completely unnecessary. The character wouldn't be thinking of this information. Instead, he would be focused on his mission.

“Thank you, Gunnery Sergeant Newman,” Jake said in return.

“Please, don’t be formal with me, Corporal. Sergeant Luke will be fine.”


The informal of Gunnery Sergeant is "Gunny." Calling a Gunny a Sergeant is like calling a Captain a Lieutenant.

It was just before noon when Corporal Jacob Gibson returned to the prime military outpost just off the outskirts of Beacon City, the Capital of Beckon. He and his scout crew dismounted their Mongoose two-passenger ATVs. Jake prepared to report to his Commanding Officers (CO). He coughed from the cold dust brought up to his lungs by the Mongooses.


First, there is way too much clutter. Instead of the Mongoose two-passenger ATV, just say "Mongoose ATV's." The number of people on the ATV's isn't actually relevant.

CO is singular, not plural. No Commanding Officers...

“Greetings, everyone,” Jake said as they walked toward the conference room. “I believe the news I carry is important.”

They walked into the room, and the reinforced doors were locked behind them. He saw the picture of a gently breathing figure, the Captain of the Leaping Stallion, Captain Lee Hamilton.

“Alright, what news do you have, Corporal?” Lee asked. Everyone else’s eyes seemed to ask the same thing.

“I believe we’ve found the Covenant camp, sir,” the Corporal replied.

“Do you now, Corporal?” Lee said. “If so, that’s quite something. Perhaps you should take Gunnery Sergeant Luke and Sergeant Pierce here to see for themselves.”

“Sir, yes sir!”

“Well, is that all, Corporal? If so, I’ll be leaving.” The picture of the Captain disappeared.

“All right,” Sergeant Pierce said after a long silence. “I suppose there’s nothing more to discuss.”


This is all wrong. If you know where the enemy base is, you'd give coordinates, estimated strength, as well as information about their defenses and topography. None of this is mentioned at all!

On top of this, the Captain's orders are to have the corporal bring a Gunny and a Sergeant back to see the Covenant Base, in order to do the job he should have done the first time around.

No. If they were to visit the covenant base again, they would probably visit it with two flights of Pelicans and all the ordinance it would take to destroy the covenant.
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Sun Jan 27, 2008 9:26 pm
JabberHut says...



Here I am on your request. Griff's taken care of the in-depth military shtuff that I don't know too much about, but I do feel weird critiquing after Griff's words, lol. We'll see what I can do. :)

He coughed from the cold dust brought up to his lungs by the Mongooses.


He coughed after he breathed in the dirt the Mongooses kicked up.

As he punched in a combination, the door slid open, leaving the frost behind.


The door's still open. How can the door leave the frost behind when he's still standing outside? He has to walk inside first.

He heard his boots against the concrete ground as he stepped inside the base.


How about his boots echoed against the concrete floors as he stepped inside the base?

Instantly, a wave of gentle warm air washed over him.


Can air really gently wash over someone? :?

“Thank you, Gunnery Sergeant Newman,” Jake said in return.


Ain't that a mouth full. :S

“Gunny” or “Luke” will be fine.”


Don't use the quotation marks around Gunny and Luke. It makes it more confusing. Use the single marks. 'Gunny' and 'Luke'.

“I believe the news I carry is important.”


That doesn't seem realistic as a start of a meeting. Of course he thinks it's important. Otherwise he wouldn't be talking to the CO (assuming he's that smart and doesn't waste people's time). Also, the CO would have to believe it's important to meet with him, yes?

He saw the picture of a gently breathing figure, the Captain of the Leaping Stallion, Captain Lee Hamilton.


A picture of a gently breathing figure. Nah, I don't like that one bit, lol. He saw a figure standing in the doorway works much better. Of course the guy's breathing. It's a given, unless you say he's not breathing. Also, pictures don't breathe, so that doesn't work there either.

“Really, Corporal?” Lee said. “If so, that’s quite something. But how big is this base, approximately?”


Griff's words are correct concerning this entire part of the convo/story. Refer to him at this stage. :)

“Sir, yes sir!”


Wait...who said that??

Sergeant Alexandra Pierce pulled a gloved hand through the small amount of her light red hair hanging down beyond her gray helmet.


I may be wrong, but don't women cut their hair short so that it doesn't fall out of the helmet? I always thought they did so they looked like guys and the enemy wouldn't take advantage of the fact their's a girl on the battlefield. That's just me, though.

(nee-rah-‘kay)


I do believe we put pronunciations in the back of books, in like a glossary or something, not in the reading, but that's up to you.

Once Ni’ra’ke regained his breath, he drew his Needler from his side and charged at a human, first firing a few rounds into the man’s chest, then smacking the man across in the neck, the needles in the weapon stabbing the enemy soldier’s throat.


*squeals* Oh em gee, I love the Needler! And it's purple needles of goo! (don't ask) Don't the needles, like, make tiny explosions when they hit their target?

“Fire Particle Beam Rifles!” he shouted in his tenor, powerful voice into his microphone.


"Fire Particle Beam Rifles!" his voice boomed into the microphone.

If he hadn’t been in so many battles and gained as much experience as he had, he’d never attempt what he was about to do.


This is probably unnecessary.

“I thought the great Sangheili could take care of themselves, huh, Ni’ra’ke?”


Rewrite this.

He refocused on the battle, [no comma] to find that it was practically won, and the human survivors were retreating.


“But Commander-“ [s]Borenifus tried to argue[/s].


[s]It shall not be you[/s].


That was definitely action-packed. I liked it. :) I was confused, however, if the covenant were part of that base the UNSC found earlier in the story. Were the covenant fighting those same humans? Or were they elsewhere?

Keep writing!

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Fri Oct 31, 2008 3:34 am
lordgluzman says...



Super cool! Awesome action. Their is no grammar mistakes. Really descriptive.
I totally disagree with Griffinkeeper.
In fact I would like to say that every person has a rite to write what ever they want. It doesnt have to be exactly evrything about Halo. So great job!
But I was confused, however, if the covenant were part of that base the UNSC found earlier in the story. Were the covenant fighting those same humans? Or were they elsewhere.

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Fri Jul 10, 2009 12:42 am
hopefulromntic says...



yah i think you need to keep those details. the first chapter made it feel more realistic and i didnt get the game feeling where everything has a iwerd name and it was pretty good. i really liked everything i nthe first chapter. In the second chapter i got the feeling i was playing the game. not a bad thing but i thought in that reality the aliens would call it a needler or soemthing. idk im horribel at this review stuff haha. I still enjoyed reading it all. Sometimes its nice reading halo instead of playing it all the time.

good job
  








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