Young Writers Society

Hey! Basket here! This is a Harry Potter two-shot (well, its originally a oneshot, but it turned out to be too long if I just posted it all at once) by yours truly. The pairing is Draco/Hermione. Or, for fans of it, Dramione. If you want to read it that bad, switch out the names and replace them with your favorite pairing or something.

No flames just because you don't like this pairing, please. Thanks.

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Hermione wiped her forehead with the back of her hand. Merlin, it was hot! Of course the air conditioning would be broken on the hottest day of the year, she thought irritably.

The bell rang and Hermione looked up. A family of four came in the small ice cream shop and started looking at different flavors. When they looked like they had pretty much decided, Hermione went over to them.

"Hi. Could I help you?"

The mother looked up at smiled at her. "Yes. Could we get two Rocky Roads, one in a large cone, one in medium, a small Blue Moon in a bowl and a small Superman in a cone, please?"

Hermione jotted this down and smiled. "Of course."

As she was scooping out the ice cream and giving it to the family, someone came in. She did a quick glance up, saw a boy about her age, and went back concentrating on the ice cream. When she had given the family the last cone, they paid and left.

Hermione wiped her forehead with the back of her hand again and pulled her hair up into a bushy ponytail. She turned to the boy who had come in. He had his back to her, but looked oddly familiar. He wore simple faded jeans and a black tshirt. His hair was a light blonde...

Hermione blinked and shook her head. No way. It couldn't be...

"Uhmm, excuse me, sir, but could I help you?" Hermione asked. She was the only one in the little shop and didn't particularly like it when people loitered around no reason.

The boy turned around and Hermione gasped a bit. It was Draco Malfoy.

He smirked. "Now, now Granger. You're speechless for once? Whatever for?"

"What are you doing here, Malfoy?"

"What do you mean what am I doing here? I'm here to get some ice cream, obviously," he said with a smug look.

"Malfoy, I'm not stupid," Hermione said. "This is a muggle neighborhood. You've got to be up to something."

He held up his hands. "No, no, Granger, I'm serious. I just want some ice cream."

"Fine. What do you want, then?"

"Why the hostile tone, Granger? I just came in to get my ice cream..."

She glared at him and sighed angrily. "What do you want, Ferret?"

Draco snickered, clearly loving Hermione's annoyed mood. "I'll have a large Moose Tracks to match my---"

Hermione held up her hand. "That is unneeded, Ferret."

Draco glared at her for interuppting him. She sighed and got a cone and filled it with ice cream. Contemplating whether or not to spit in it, she rung up the price at the register. "Two dollars, Ferret."

Draco brought out three Galleons and held them up.

Hermione closed her eyes in annoyance. "I'm assuming you don't have muggle money with you."

He smiled hopefully.

"Urgh, you know what? No. I'm not paying for this."

"Please, Granger?"

"No. Come back and get some muggle money."

****

Hermione bobbed her head with the music in her iPod. She was sitting on a stool at the cash register waiting for costumers to come in for ice cream. The air conditioner was still broken, much to her chagrin, however, she had dressed for the weather today; simple jean short shorts and a form fitting tshirt. She turned a page in her book, keeping an eye on the door for it to open.

And it did.

She pulled her ear phones out, smiling. "Welcome to--oh. Its you. What are you doing here again, Malfoy?"

He grinned. "Now, now Granger. Is that any way to talk to a customer?"

Hermione sighed and rolled her eyes, knowing it wasn't.

"Now, do I have to talk to your boss, or are you going to treat me like a customer? After all, even in the muggle world, us Malfoy's have very influential powers."

"Oh?"

"Yep. We have the Malfoy charm," he smirked.

Hermione snorted and tried to cover it up with a cough. Malfoy glared. "Well? What will it be? Proper custumer treatment or shall I have to talk to your boss?"

Hermione glared and clenched her teeth. "Fine. Welcome to Dean's Ice Cream. Can I help you?"

"Yes," he said with a satisfied smile, "you can. I would like a Moose Tracks, please."

"Do you have money this time?"

Draco smiled and held up two dollars.

She scooped out his ice cream and handed it to him, holding out her hand for the money. He gave it to her, smiling triumphantly. Taking a lick, he said, "You know Granger, you look very nice today."

Hermione raised an eyebrow. "Okay, Malfoy, what's up? Since when do you call a mudblood nice?"

"What? A simple teenage guy can't call a beautiful teenage girl nice?"

"Not if its you, no. You've hated me since we've been at Hogwarts. What's made you change your mind?"

Malfoy just smiled and left the shop, licking his ice cream.

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And there's part one of two. Hope you enjoyed. Let me know by review, yeah? It would make me sooo happy if you did. Come on... you know you want to...

Oh. And the rating was for that little bit of sexual innuendo, in case you were wondering.

Thanks for reading!

-Phantomofthebasket-

Hiya, I'm Cassie. I'll be reviewing your work today. You did a pretty great job, but there are a few things you should work on.
Grammar Mistakes
I only found a couple.

Hermione bobbed her head with the music in her iPod. She was sitting on a stool at the cash register waiting for costumers to come in for ice cream.

I'm pretty sure the misspelling of 'customers' here was sub-consious, because I can see that you spelt it correctly elsewhere.

Hermione held up her hand. "That is unneeded, Ferret."

I'm not sure 'unneeded' is the correct word in this sentence, and I'm not even sure if it is a word. Find a different one.

Hermione snorted and tried to cover it up with a cough. Malfoy glared. "Well? What will it be? Proper custumer treatment or shall I have to talk to your boss?"

Again with the word 'customer'. There should also be a comma after 'customer'.

"Urgh, you know what? No. I'm not paying for this."

'Urgh' shouldn't be in the quotations.

"Uhmm, excuse me, sir, but could I help you?" Hermione asked. She was the only one in the little shop and didn't particularly like it when people loitered around no reason.

'around no reason' ends the sentence with a fragment. Add the word 'for' after 'around'.

Imagrey
There were a couple of places where detailed imagrey would have been perfect! Try rewriting a couple of these quotes to makes us 'feel' what is going on in your piece.

The bell rang and Hermione looked up. A family of four came in the small ice cream shop and started looking at different flavors. When they looked like they had pretty much decided, Hermione went over to them.

Tell us what the family looked like. Were the parents in their mid-thirties? Forties? Or was it just a mother with her three children? Describe how the children looked. Were they excited for a special treat? Or was getting ice cream something they did all the time?

She scooped out his ice cream and handed it to him, holding out her hand for the money. He gave it to her, smiling triumphantly. Taking a lick, he said, "You know Granger, you look very nice today."

Mmmk. Why would she look nice? She's probably sweaty, and she's wearing a t-shirt & shorts. Let Hermione think that. Let her observe Draco's looks, see if anything's different with him, maybe check his head for a bump that could mean he isn't really meaning what he's saying. Got it? Great.

Literary ElementsAdd some metaphors, similies and personification like you would with the imagrey. You'll make this piece almost perfect.

Other than that, I really liked this piece! I can't wait to see what Draco has in store. I don't usually like bad boy/good girl pairings, but you intrigued me. I'll definitly be reviewing the second part!
XOXO
Cassie