Young Writers Society

[CHAPTER 1 – HARRY WHO?]

The London train station was packed of course. People bustled from one place to the next – hardly noticing if one bumped into someone or even a hurried apology was spoken. One could get easily lost in the chaos. An eleven year old named Kyra was one of them.

Kyra let out an exasperated sigh, and looked hurriedly around her. At this rate she would miss the train. But she couldn’t remember how to get on Platform 93/4.

This would have confused anyone if she asked directions – seeing that Muggles didn’t know about the secret platform for the students of Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry. Headed by Albus Dumbledore, it was one of the safest places in the Wizarding world.

She remembered Mrs. Weasly explaining to Ron this summer, but couldn’t recall how to get there. Muttering furiously to herself, Kyra kicked the trolley that held her trunks and Wendelin, her barn owl.
Several travelers looked at her with those what’s-that-hooligan-up-to? look as she shifted the trunks back on furiously and placed the screeching owl’s cage on top. Kyra plunked herself on one of the trunks and held her head in her hands.

Not two seconds later, our of sheer luck, she heard a familiar voice, “-packed with Muggles, of coarse-”
Kyra looked up just in time to see a large patch of flaming red hair bobbing away in the dense crowd. She grabbed the trolley and pushed it with all her might – and ran into a boy wearing glasses held together with a measly piece of tape.

“I’ll never catch them now!” Kyra muttered impatiently as she quickly started to load the trolley once again as the boy slowly picked himself up and rubbed his shins.

“Be quiet, Hedwig! Stupid owl…” Muttering the last part to himself he smiled apologetically to Kyra. “Sorry. Are you going to-?”

“Hogwarts?” Kyra finished, eyeing the owl and the trunks. He stared at her, head cocked. Her voice didn’t match the rest of her.

She was wearing plain jeans with a navy blue Beetles tee and grey trainers. The voice was like a whispering wind, but loud enough to hear over the racket of the station. Surely it wasn’t hers. “Well?” It was.

Kyra’s eyes were locked onto his. One of her black eyebrows was raised in a skeptical arch, urging him on.

He realized she was waiting for him to reply. The boy smiled shyly, “Yeah, do you know how to get on?”

“Well, I spotted a family who know how to get on until I ran into you,” Kyra grimaced. “Are you okay?”

He shook his head, “Yes, I’m used to that. Dudley does much worse…” He paused as he peeked up at Kyra who was smiling at him, amused.

“Dudley?”

“He’s my cousin.”

“Ah. Do you like him much?”

His forehead puckered between his eyebrows, “No, not really.”

“Well, he doesn’t sound that great of a cousin. At least you can threaten him with some magic after the school year.” She laughed to herself. “Why don’t you follow come with me? We might as well since we’re going to the same place.”

Kyra helped him put his things back on the trolley and set off, him following Kyra. They walked for a while until a little girl tugged on her mother’s dress and pointed, “Mum! Mum! Look! It’s Kyra!”

“Ginny it’s rude to point-oh Kyra! You made it!”

“Hi, Mrs. Weasly!”

The little red-head girl ran to Kyra and embraced her cheerfully. Kyra meet her just a cheerfully. “Hey, Ginny. Are those boys being nice to you, or do I have to teach them a lesson like last time?” She eyed a pair of twins with the same flaming hair whose faced burned as red as their hair.

After Ginny let go, Mrs. Weasly practically crushed her lungs in a hug, but once she let go, Kyra walked over to the younger of the boys standing off to the side.

She laughed, “You certainly grew, Ron! What are you now? Three inches taller than me?”

Ron looked down to her, “Only four.” He smiled as she whacked him in the arm playfully.

“Oh, come on Ron, don’t hog the girl!” joked the twins as they snatched Kyra and gave her a bear hug and ruffled her long, curly black hair.

Fixing her hair she sighed humorously, “Nice to see you too, George, Fred.”

They grinned to the boy who had been looking around, trying not to grab any attention, “Who’s your friend?”

The eldest walked to Kyra, gave her a hug, and grabbed her trolley, “Hello, Kyra.”

“Hello, Percy. I heard you’re a prefect now.” He glowed with pride.

Showing off the responsibility that earned him a Prefect badge, he called, “We’re going to be late. We can talk later!“ Kyra ran off through the platform with Percy to be followed by the twins, and after some protesting from Ron while his mum cleaned some stickiness from his cheek – Ron, Mrs. Weasly, Ginny, and the boy.

***

“So, Kyra how did you hear about me being a Prefect? I wanted to tell you myself,” Percy looked a little crestfallen as he asked.

Kyra shifted her eyes from Percy to the twins to Percy again. “Take a guess.”

Percy glared at them, “You know I wanted to tell her.”

“Tell her what?” Fred laughed.

George explained comically, “Don’t you remember, Fred? He became a Prefect.”

“I do remember him mentioning it once-“

“Or twice-“

“A bit-"

“All summer!”

No one could help laughing, except Mrs. Weasly. “You boys should be ashamed of yourselves! Your brother worked hard to become a Prefect!”

“Sorry, mum.”

A loud shriek of the train broke the silence. Kyra yelled over the other conversations, “C’mon! Let’s get on the train before it leaves us!”

There was a mast rush to board the train, and she and the boy lost the Weaslys for a few minutes.

Then, Kyra heard Ginny crying and George comforting her, “Don’t worry, Ginny. We’ll send you a Hogwarts toilet seat!”

Mrs. Weasly’s reply shook the windows, “George!”

“Only kidding, mum!”

The train gave one last shriek, and started off. Ginny ran alongside the train until the platform ended, and then waved erratically until the scarlet Hogwarts Express was out of sight.

***

After saying good-bye to the other Weasly brothers, Kyra, Ron, and the boy headed off to find a spot in one of the caravan of cars.

“Hey, I’ll see you later,” Kyra said once they found an empty spot and put their carry-on’s in the holders, “I need to go do something.” She waved good-bye and ran down the hallway.
Ron and the boy went inside to sit down.

“So, what’s your name?” the boy asked.

“Ron Weasly. And that was Kyra Impertelli, she’s my best mate. Sort of part of the family. Everyone loves her, especially Ginny and my mum,” he smiled sheepishly, “What about you?”

“Um, I’m Harry.”

“Harry Potter? The Harry Potter?” Harry nodded.

Ron stared. “Do you have the – you know – the…scar?”

Harry pulled back his bangs.

“Wicked!”

They talked for a while until Kyra came in, grinning impishly.

“What’d you do?” Ron asked knowingly by the look on her face. He had seen that face on her before,
and on Fred and George when they pulled one of their pranks.

“I proved some girl wrong in a row,” She rolled her eyes, “That girl was such a know-it-all.”

Ron questioned, “Do you know her name?”

There was a knock at the door. A girl with a head of puffy hair stuck her head in. “Has anyone seen a toad? Neville can’t find his.”
Kyra grinned, “Hello, Hermione. We haven’t, but I’ll come straight to you when I do.” Sarcasticness dripped from her voice as her face held the grin.

“Thanks, Kyra,” she scowled at her for just a moment before looking at the boys, “You should get dressed, you know. We’re almost there.” Hermione turned on her heel and shut the door with frustration.

Ron looked over to Kyra, “How’d you know her name?”

“Meet the know-it-all.”

Ron smirked, “Did you see the look on her face?”

They all laughed.

“Hey, Kyra, do you know who this is?” Ron asked motioning to Harry.

“Nope.”

“It’s Harry Potter! The Harry Potter!”

“Hi, Harry,” she turned to Ron, “What do you mean by The Harry Potter?”

“The Boy Who Lived? The one Who-Know-Who couldn’t kill? The only person to survive the Killing Curse? I thought I told you all of this!” Ron looked at Kyra bewilderedly.

“Ron, I have no clue what you are talking about, but I’m sure he’s annoyed at you making a big deal of him.” Kyra grabbed a bag above her as she quizzically eyed Ron, “I’m going to go find a bathroom to change, so you two can change here.” She waved to them and glided out the door.

Ron just stared – his chin could have touched the floor.

People bustled from one place to the next – hardly noticing if one bumped into someone or even a hurried apology was spoken.

The last part sounded strange. Perhaps you should change it to if even a hurried apology was spoken.

eleven year old

I think there should be hyphens in between that.

Platform 93/4.

It's 9 3/4, not 93/4.

what’s-that-hooligan-up-to?

It would look better if you put that in either single quotation marks, or italics.

“-packed with Muggles, of coarse-”

It should be 'of course'. Coarse means rough.

They grinned to the boy

Grinned at the boy would be more appropriate.

waved erratically

I'm not sure how one waves erratically. Maybe you could use 'waved frantically' instead.

“I proved some girl wrong in a row,”

That should be a period at the end.

Sarcasticness

It's 'sarcasm' not 'sarcasticness'.

she scowled at her for just a moment

The 'she' should be capitalized there.

shut the door with frustration.

'Shut the door in frustration' would be much better.

Who-Know-Who

'You-Know-Who', not 'Who-Know-Who.'

Other than those, you have a very interesting story. I'll be looking forward to the next parts. If it isn't too inconvenient, could you PM me when it is up? Keep writing!

This is well written, but I wouldn't call it a fan fic. I would call it fan plagiarism. The dialogue is nearly verbatim to the dialogue in "The Sorcerer's Stone". All you have done is added a new character.

Maybe you should transfer the story to post-Harry Potter or Pre-Harry Potter.

Water Vyper did all the nit-picking.

You're a good writer, but you should come up with something more original.

Okay, so maybe it has some lines from Sorcerer's Stone, but don't worry, the plot is completely different. There are a few lines in some scenes from there, but that's because I liked them. Hope that doesn't make that plagiarism.

~jumper

An interesting start of a fic, although it really doesn't give anyone who knows Harry Potter much new to go on, which is what I think some of the others were trying to say. I mean, we don't know anything about Kyra, but she just basically just retells the start of the novel. And, I'm sorry to say, but she almost seems like a Mary Sue, the way she takes over Canon events.

I think that you need to develop Kyra a bit more, and maybe start the fic at some other point in time. I mean, basically you start off at what can almost be considered the start of Harry Potter, the only earlier point of time you could have Kyra turn up at without knowing Harry Potter would be in Diagon Alley. But, I think that even if you started the story during the Sorting at Hogwarts it would improve the story. Start us off with a narrative, what Kyra is thinking and feeling as she walks up to be sorted, give us a sense of her character with that and where she is sorted before you set her loose on the story. Basically, you should be asking yourself one question: How is the story going to be different with Kyra in the picture? And then give us some sort of foreshadowing to the answer.

I think the key to the most successful retellings is to change some things, but keep others the same. If Harry ends up in Gryffindor with Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger, you might want to have them civil to one another, or at least give them a reason. Of course, with the introduction of a new character you can rattle things up even more.

Kyra let out an exasperated sigh, and looked hurriedly around her. At this rate she would miss the train. But she couldn’t remember how to get on Platform 9 3/4.

First question: why is Kyra at the station on her own? Where's her parents? How could she live at St. Ottery Catchpole if she didn't have parents? If her parents couldn't take her to the station, all the way up to the platform, why didn't she go with the Weasleys? If they manage to take Harry all of the time, they should be able to take a close neighbor and friend. This also takes care of the question of why she can't remember how to get onto the platform. That just cuts too close to what Harry went through to really be effective. Plus, with the reveal that she was friends with the Weasleys makes her seem fake.

This would have confused anyone if she asked directions – seeing that Muggles didn’t know about the secret platform for the students of Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry. Headed by Albus Dumbledore, it was one of the safest places in the Wizarding world.

Sorry, but this seems like a giant info dump. Realistically, most of your readers will have already read Harry Potter and they know how safe Hogwarts is and so on. I'll shut up about this point, though, as I'm in the favor of a realistic rewrite.

Not two seconds later, out of sheer luck, she heard a familiar voice, “-packed with Muggles, of course-”

Spelling mistakes, but I'm still in the favor of that rewrite, even if it is Kyra talking to Ginny as Harry comes up to the Weasley family. I am just wondering why she isn't at platform 9/10, since she should know generally that she has to go through there.

Her voice didn’t match the rest of her.

Explain this part, please? How is it that her voice didn't match? Was her voice much deeper, higher? Did she sound too cheerful for her dour look, or did she sound too annoyed to match her sweet look? Just one of those sentence that needs more detail, this would also help describe who Kyra is. And, now that I've said that, I see that you did explain it, though I think you could cut out the clothing talk and have it be fine. That whole paragraph needs to be moved up to the paragraph before, so that the reader can connect the two together as they read.

Kyra helped him put his things back on the trolley and set off, [s]him following Kyra[/s]. They walked for a while until a little girl tugged on her mother’s dress and pointed, “Mum! Mum! Look! It’s Kyra!”

We already kind of guess that he's following Kyra, or at least that he's sticking with her. I don't think it needs to be said. Also, maybe say how they managed to catch up with the familiar family, because I think it's more likely that they would be able to spot the distinctive red hair instead of the other way around.

She laughed, “You certainly grew, Ron! What are you now? Three inches taller than me?”

Okay, now here I have to wonder how long it's been since she has seen the family, if Ron has grown that tall? Here's where we'd like a few more details. Plus, you said that she saw them in the summer, and that shouldn't have been that long ago. I can understand an inch or two for a growing boy, but four and all the enthusiasm has me wondering.

Kyra ran off through the platform with Percy to be followed by the twins, and after some protesting from Ron while his mum cleaned some stickiness from his cheek – Ron, Mrs. Weasly, Ginny, and the boy.

How'd she suddenly remember about the platform? Needs a bit more detail so that it makes more sense and it can also stop being a run on sentence.

“So, Kyra how did you hear about me being a Prefect? I wanted to tell you myself,” Percy looked a little crestfallen as he asked.

I think this whole scene can be deleted, as I don't think that Percy would really be that interested in an 11 year old when he's a fifth year. I mean, I could see him interacting with her like he does Harry for the first few novels, but other than that, I wouldn't think he'd be that eager to tell her about becoming a prefect. Still rooting for the rewrite to make things more interesting.

“Hey, I’ll see you later,” Kyra said once they found an empty spot and put their carry-on’s in the holders, “I need to go do something.” She waved good-bye and ran down the hallway.

Question: What on earth does she have to do? I mean, the only thing you mention later on is that she goes off to prove Hermione wrong. And that just doesn't make sense, honestly, unless she also happens to know Hermione from before?

Everyone loves her, especially Ginny and my mum,

Hate to say it, but Mary Sue alert, now would be the time to explain just how the Weasley family knows Kyra. Although, I do have to say that I don't think this scene should be there, as your main character and your POV seems to be all based on Kyra. Since Kyra isn't there, we really shouldn't be seeing this part of the story. Plus, maybe explaining the Hermione thing might make the whole thing make more sense.

“I proved some girl wrong in a row,” She rolled her eyes, “That girl was such a know-it-all.”

Why do you hate Hermione? Also, another Mary Sue alert, as this seems to make it seem like you intend for the 'Golden Trio' to be formed with Harry, Ron, and Kyra instead of Hermione and have Kyra be so much better at that role than Hermione was. While some people don't like either Hermione or Ron, you really don't have to shout it out that loud. I mean, Hermione can be left out of the Trio without being bashed.

Ron smirked, “Did you see the look on her face?”

Also, I don't really like the characterizations at this point, although we haven't had that much to go on. But, both Kyra and Ron seem a bit nasty and Harry just seems like a wimp.

“Ron, I have no clue what you are talking about, but I’m sure he’s annoyed at you making a big deal of him.” Kyra grabbed a bag above her as she quizzically eyed Ron,

How the heck could she not know about Harry Potter if she grew up as a witch? I mean, the Weasleys practically eat, sleep, breath, and live Harry Potter even before Ron became friends with him. I mean, Harry Potter is practically a bed time story for magical families, a fairytale that everyone after a certain age lived. So, unless you put in something about her setting Harry at ease, which could also be seen as a crush, it really does seem impractical.

Sorry about the harsh review, but there really wasn't enough originality to really review. I've made a few suggestions for if you intend to keep it all the same, but I think you could use a bit of a rewrite to add in something that makes this story pop. Kyra and the Sorcerer's Stone does not have the same ring as The Tales of a Muggleborn Witch, or An Ordinary Witch.

A few suggestions for not having a Sue, isolate your character or fully plug her into being either a Pureblood or a Halfblood, even a Light family behaves differently than Kyra seems to act. I think it would be a bit more interesting if Kyra maybe knew someone other than Ron, even if her best friend is Neville Longbottom. Find something that we haven't seen before and expand on that. We need something truly new if you're going to have your narrator be an OC.

I suggest that you read a couple of other fics, a real hardship , but something that could really help you find something new to write about. Especially study the fics that retell the story in slightly different ways. Obsessed fan that I am, I've got a few links to start you off: Slytherin Rising Part One: Sleeping Death by J.L. Matthews is an old fic, where the series might be abandoned, but it's primarily about OCs in the HP world. It starts off a year before 'Sorcerer's Stone' starts and she has all the way into the 3rd HP book written. A very interesting story, although the last two books are rated M for good reason, so it's up to you if you decide to read them, but the first two books are good.

Living with Danger and the other Dangerverse fics by whydoyouneedtoknow are another good example of OCs and AUs. The Dangerverse starts off when Harry is about 3 or so and continues on from there, though it does get to the first book. It's a really great series, one of my favorites.

There's also What If the world turned its head sideways by Hybrid2, where Harry meets the Weasley twins first and it all unfolds from there. A great retelling, even though it doesn't have OCs.

Finally, I'll recommend just one other, although it means that I resist the urge to send you to Lunakatrina for So Sue Me, which is a hilarious fic. You can search for that at Fanfiction.net, . Anyway, Magical Relations by evansentranced, in which Dudley goes to Hogwarts and everything gets turned on its head. Wonderful fic, yet again.

Hope you don't mind the bombardment of fics, I just think you need to read some things before finding the one thing that could make your story. Feel free to PM me in order to discuss anything I've said in this review, or if you want me to review once you've edited it a bit more, or even if you would like some more fic recommendations.

Good luck with your story!!

- Tatra

FirstlyI would like to apologise for the long wait on my PMing I've had quite a hectic Christmas (by the way I hope your's was good). Secondly I would like to thank you for reviweing the second piece of my fanfic so throughly and thirdly I'm here to give you my review of your work! I was going to just leave it under your story but then it turned out quite lengthy and I thought you might appreciate it if I sent it to you directly! I hope you don't hate me after it! Here it goes!


Ok, so I first off I think that there is a lot of potential for this story and particularly with the character of Kyra but there’s a lot of work needed. Although I know that you really don’t want to hear this I think that you should really consider Tatra’s idea of perhaps rewriting this chapter. I feel that you would do Kyra more justice by writing her from a different angle. There is the definite sense of repetition here, Potter fans reads fanfictions in order to quench their thirst for more Potter stories, repeating a lot of the first chapter isn’t really going to work for them. You need to bear in mind that these are people who are very familiar with JK Rowlings work. You have already succeeded in creating a new character but she needs development and you need to figure out where she fits into the Potter world. This may all sound very tedious, but it’s something that I’ve had a lot of practice with, let’s just say I’ve found out the hard way. I’ve learnt that, despite my eagerness to get started with the story it is important to sit down and work out my character and at least a fair idea of where they are going in this story. I’ll show you one of my typical checklists when it comes to HP characters.

[b]Name:
Age:
Blood Status:
Family:
House:
Friends:
Enemies:
Appearance:
Nature: e.g, shy, confident, mischievous, secretive, boisterous, studious, helpful, nasty, rude, polite etc.

Next the big 5!

Where they are: Hogwarts
What they are going to do: What are they going to do in this story? Is there going to be a lead up to one main even?
When they are going to do it: Do you plan for this main event to be at the end of your story? All the little clues have to be spread throughout!
Why they are going to do it: There has to be a reason behind what your character is going to do!
Who they are going to do it with: Do they work alone or with accomplices, friends or family?

Fill this in and see how it helps!
Next of all, the start of stories are very important. You need to consider your audience and it is safe to say that most of us will be very familiar with the opening of Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone. JK has given us the world of Harry Potter and now you have the opportunity to create a person and set them loose within Hogwarts so don’t just copy her, have Kyra doing things you would love to do, or things that you would be most likely to do.

Personally I would scratch this chapter, although it is your choice, show Kyra’s entrance to Hogwarts from her point of few, give us a new character on which to feed! You could start of like so;

Kyra shivered and drew her cloak closer around her as she felt the small boat beneath her move off. It seemed a preposterous way to arrive at school, sailing across a lake at night in the freezing cold. But then Hogwarts was no ordinary school. Kyra knew that for she had heard many stories of Hogwarts and dreamt of attending for many years. Tonight her dream was coming true and as the small fleet of boats sailed around a corner she caught the first glimpse of the castle and gasped as the realisation of her dream loomed beautifully above her.

This is just an example, a different view of the start of life at Hogwarts, you can use or ignore this, whichever you like, I know that it’s not perfect but maybe it helps!

It's late right now and I'm tired, I hope this helps a little and you don't think I'm being too harsh, I have started to critique what you have written but like I say it's late. If you're thinking of re-writing this chapter I would like to help in any way I can, PM little bits to be and I'll do what ever I can to help. I like you, your story and character and I'm interested in helping you write it! If you don't want to rewrite it (which I really hope isn't true, as from a writers pov you're wasting your potential, you can make something much better than a recreation of JKs work!) I will critique the rest of it for you. I meant to do it now but I'm quite picky and thorough and I'd rather do a good job than a rushed one due to fatigue, as well I thought it would be wasted work if you decided to rewrite!

Anyway good night for now, PM me when you get this and get a chance to so that I know what you think! I'll PM you when the next bit of my fanfic comes up too but that might not be for a while, I have exams!

P.S Another house sounds like too much work, stick with what you've got!

PP.S Haven't had a chance to check out your storybook just yet but I'll get on to it and let you know, thanks for the invite!

Bye for now! xxx

Throughout every single sentence I read, the whole story seemed to scream ',FANGIRL!' A girl that meets all the main characters almost instantly, and to make matters worst-It mimics the book, just squeezing in a character. In a way, it isn't quite worthy to be a story at all-You seem to be a good writer, but you just don't have any imagination...

Tip: Try making the rest of the story more of your actual plot, I don't blame you for the story including the characters of the book, though you introduced the characters so...blantantly. I have a fanfic (not on this site) that is of a runaway girl who stole money from her foster family, so she's kind of like a criminal (she's ten.) And yes, her foster family is horrid. Then she runs, going into a forest, and meets the centaurs...So on so forth. (It isn't that cliche if you read the actual writing...) You should of had a paragraph of how she met the Weasley's, and maybe the first chapter should of been Kyra searching for Ron in the train apartments-Maybe being confronted with a 'villian'. (In the book, someone like Draco...) Trust me, with the extra work, you will be much more excited to weave the rest of the story, to create your own life in Hogwarts, not completely following along with J.K Rowling.

You wrote well with the interactions between Kyra and Ron, but still.....I just don't quite 'believe' it all. It just sounds off, and everything is too good for Kyra. I'd like it, if it was it's own story....

Wow. This was really interesting. I have to say that I've honestly never thought about anybody writing anything like that in a Harry Potter story. It was very creative. Something I would think about changing, though, is that Kyra pops in and out of the scene a lot while they're on the platform, and on the train. She should either stay there or you should take out some of those parts. Also, the rest of it makes sense--like how she would talk to them and then leave just as the part where the book talks about, but if you're trying to make it like Kyra was there in the stories all along, then you should take out the part about her beating Hermoine in a row, and where she talks to them in the train compartment. Hope this helps, and that it's not too long.

I liked it a lot, it was interesting to read, but it was basically retelling the start of the novel, it would be nice for you to do something that we havent seen before...
But, you have a really nice style and you are really good at thiss - I Cannot do fan fic.
I really enjoyed it.

hi

i agree with the bookslug:) kyra is just something that JK Rowling could have added in the

first book ands it wouldn't have made any difference in the outcome at all also i can't exactly

see where this story is going. will kyra have romance or friendship with harry i can't see her in

a real harry potter book also how can she know the weasly's and not know about harry potter

he is a legend in every magic family everywhere. but you are a really good writer and i am

sure that with a few changes kyra could become a very different character.

bye

Wow. I didn't know I had all of these reviews! I am seriously getting behind!

Everyone: Thank you for your time and reviews! After receiving three or four reviews I've decided to trash that chapter and I'm starting a new one. It's very much different. And I hope it's original. It's in the writing process and I'm being drowned in homework right now. So, it won't be around for awhile. If you would like me to PM you when it's out, PM me with the subject "New Chapter".

Thank you again for all the wonderful reviews!

Cross my fingers my second attempt is better!

~MJ

I liked it, it didn't stray to far from the original plot, and you kept it true (for the most part) to the stroy. Have you ever heard of http://www.mugglenet.com? they have a whole section dedicated to fanfiction, some of it is pretty good.

I think its pretty much identical to the beginning of the Sorcerer's stone, with a new character added in. I think it could be a good start, but you'd have to start changing the storyline, or its going to sound just like the first book. Maybe you could have Kyra turn out to be Voldemort's helper, or have her be even better at magic than Hermione. You could even have her turn out to be excellent at Quidditch, better than Harry even.

I'm sorry for not liking your work, really I am, but I hate everything about Kyra. The name, first of all, sounds like you stole it from an anime. I also hate how she is dangerously close to becoming a mary sue. She looks like the kind of person i would take out my homicidal tendencies on. Honestly, ladies and gentlemen, this is why the fan fiction is scorned by most. All you did is add a character to be loved and lovable by everyone-ughh. does she bear a resemblance to you as well?
I'm sorry i did not enjoy this, but maybe I'll write again when im not feeling so b****y. I just had a four-hour recital after which I had an amzaing revelation! I'm not a soprano! and straining my vocal cords from two to eight with no food in between is not my idea of a fun time.