Young Writers Society

Peter, Susan, and Lucy, along with the beavers, walked through the camp. The creatures from the sides watch them as they walked past.

“Why are they all staring at us?” Susan asked.

“Maybe they think you look funny.” Lucy said. Peter chuckled at the comment. She-beaver fuss with her fur. Beaver noticed this.

“Queen, stop you’re fussing. You look lovely.” He said.

They near the end, a centaur stood near a red and gold pavilion. They stop in front of it. Peter drew his sword and raised it.

“We’ve come to see Aslan,” he stated. His voice quivers even so slightly. A centaur turns his head towards the tent. The siblings and beavers turned their heads towards the tent as well. A familiar figure stepped out of the tent. Her cloak was completely gone now. She wore a sleeveless tunic under a chain mail shirt with brown legging along with brown boots.

She nodded to the group then took her spot next to the centaur. A great lion stepped out at the tent. Everyone bowed to him.

“Welcome peter, Adam’s son, Susan and Lucy, daughters of eve and to beavers, you have my thanks. But where is the fourth?” he asked.

Peter and the other rose from their position on the ground.

“That’s why we’re here, sir.” Peter said as he sheathed his sword.

“We had a little trouble along the way.” Susan said

“Our brother has been capture by the white witch.” Peter began.

“Capture? How can this be?” Aslan asked. Peter was unable to answer.

“He has betray them.” Beaver said as he looked between Aslan and the siblings.

“Then he has betray us all!” the centaur exclaimed.

“Peace Orieus. I’m sure there’s an explanation for this.” The watcher said as she kept her eyes on peter.

“It’s my fault, really. I was too hard on him.” Peter said. Susan put a hand on his shoulder.

“We all were.” She said as she looked at Aslan.

“Sir, he’s our brother.” Lucy said.

“I know, dear one, and that’s betrayal worse. This may be harder than you think.” Aslan said as he took at them.

“Ladies, take these daughters of eve to prepare.” He said to the female centaurs, fauns, cheetah, and dryads.

Aslan turn to the watcher. “Elvina, take Peter to his tent to rest and some new clothes.” He said.

She said, “yes, sir.” And she bowed to him.

The ladies took Susan and Lucy away, leaving peter, beaver and she-beaver standing alone. Elvina come up to Peter.

“This way.” She said as she nod her head in the direction of his tent. They walked together to his tent.

“So you met Father Christmas. How was he?” Elvina asked, trying to get a conversation going.

“How did you know we were visited by Father Christmas?” Peter asked as he looked at her.

“Well, apart from the sword and shield that you have, I had my friends from the forests watching you the whole journey.”

“Makes sense, I guess.” Peter said, shrugging his shoulders. They walked up to a tent. She pulled back the flap of the tent. He walked inside, her following after him.

“Well, here you are, your highness.” She said as she bowed to him.

Peter looked at her. “It’s still Peter, you know.” He said. “And you don’t need to bow.”

“Very well, get some rest, Peter.” She said as she stood straight and headed towards the exit.

“Wait.” He said as he caught her arm.

“What?” she asked as she turned her head to look at him. Her dark green eyes watching him and his movements as he let go of her arm. Peter found himself lost in her eyes, almost like he was lost in a forest.

“N…nothing, never mind.” He stammered, as he looked away, unable to look in her eyes anymore.

“Alright, if you need anything, just call for me.” She said as she walked out of the tent. Peter sighed. He walked over to the hamrick and sat in it. That’s only the second time we met and yet I feel like I known her for years. What does it mean? He questioned himself. He lay on the hamrick, slowly falling asleep with his mind on Elvina’s forest-like eyes.

Oh! The beginning of Romance! KAHBLAM!!

*coughcoughcough*

Good chapter, and there were only a few things I noted, which were mainly grammatical.

NM wrote:Peter, Susan, and Lucy, along with the beavers, walked through the camp. The creatures from the sides watch them as they walked past.

There's too many commas in this sentance, and it didn't read as well as your other ones did. Perhaps, "Peter, Susan and Lucy walked through the camp with the beavers."

The sides of what? I know what you mean, but it's still too obscure. Perhaps, "The creatures at the sides of the path watched them as they walked past" or "The creatures drew back to watch them as they walked past"

Watch = watched

NM wrote:“Maybe they think you look funny.” Lucy said. Peter chuckled at the comment. She-beaver fuss with her fur. Beaver noticed this.

“Queen, stop you’re fussing. You look lovely.” He said.

Change the full stop into a comma.

Fuss = fussed

You're = your. "You're" means "you are". And as you've already used the word "fuss" you should find another one instead of repeating it twice. Perhaps, "Queen, stop worrying/fiddling."

Comma before the ending quote marks, not a full stop, so no capital in "he". You could even take the "he said" bit out completely, but that's your choice.

NM wrote:They near the end, a centaur stood near a red and gold pavilion. They stop in front of it. Peter drew his sword and raised it.

“We’ve come to see Aslan,” he stated. His voice quivers even so slightly. A centaur turns his head towards the tent.

Change this to "At the end" and say what it's the end of. The path?

You're changing tenses here. Stick with past. Even = ever. Say "the centaur" instead of "a centaur".

NM wrote:A familiar figure stepped out of the tent.

Say who this familiar figure is. In the next sentance say "the Watcher".

NM wrote:A great lion stepped out at the tent.

At = of

NM wrote:“Welcome peter, Adam’s son, Susan and Lucy, daughters of eve and to beavers, you have my thanks.

You do this a few times and forget to capitalize names.

Missed out word? "And to you beavers"?

NM wrote:“That’s why we’re here, sir.” Peter said as he sheathed his sword.

“We had a little trouble along the way.” Susan said

“Our brother has been capture by the white witch.” Peter began.

“Capture? How can this be?” Aslan asked. Peter was unable to answer.

“He has betray them.” Beaver said as he looked between Aslan and the siblings.

“Then he has betray us all!” the centaur exclaimed.

“Peace Orieus. I’m sure there’s an explanation for this.” The watcher said as she kept her eyes on peter.

“It’s my fault, really. I was too hard on him.” Peter said. Susan put a hand on his shoulder.

“We all were.” She said as she looked at Aslan.

“Sir, he’s our brother.” Lucy said.

“I know, dear one, and that’s betrayal worse. This may be harder than you think.” Aslan said as he took at them.

“Ladies, take these daughters of eve to prepare.” He said to the female centaurs, fauns, cheetah, and dryads.

Aslan turn to the watcher. “Elvina, take Peter to his tent to rest and some new clothes.” He said.

She said, “yes, sir.” And she bowed to him.

The ladies took Susan and Lucy away, leaving peter, beaver and she-beaver standing alone. Elvina come up to Peter.

“This way.” She said as she nod her head in the direction of his tent. They walked together to his tent.

I didn't know this until recently, but it's a main rule not to forget. When you close dialogue, you end the speech with a comma if you're going to add "said" after it. Commas instead of full stops, and small letters on "he" or "she" of "he/she said"

Betray = betrayed, and capture = captured.

Capitalize "Peter".

Doesn't make sense. Perhaps, "and that makes the betrayal worse"?

Took = looked?

Capitalize, so it's "Daughters of Eve". Don't forget that Eve is a name.

To prepare? Prepare what?

Turn = turned.

Perhaps, "and get some new clothes"?

Rephrase this. Perhaps ----> "Yes sir," she said, bowing to him.

Nod = nodded

Repetition again.


Please tell me if my use of colours is confusing. Sorry if it is.

NM wrote:“Makes sense, I guess.” Peter said...

Comma here again.

NM wrote:“It’s still Peter, you know.” He said.

NM wrote:“Very well, get some rest, Peter.” She said...

NM wrote:“Wait.” He said as he caught her arm.

NM wrote:“N…nothing, never mind.” He stammered...

NM wrote:“Alright, if you need anything, just call for me.” She said...

The thing with the commas again.


There! Apart from that, very good. You just need to remember that thing about the commas. And the plot's getting thicker, mae carnen!

-Twit

You're colors are confusing. Plus some of that is from the movie. what i did was: i took the movie's plot line and just add my owm character to the mix.

Yup, but you still need what is called "technical accuracy" which is getting your spelling and grammer and wording and all right.

alright.

Hey Night Mistress! Glad to see a Narnia piece!

*Covers eyes* You have a lot of grammar errors.

Night Mistress wrote: She-beaver fuss with her fur. Beaver noticed this

Doesn't she have a name, beside She-Beaver? Oh, and you need to capitalize the 'b' Either take out the sentence, or fix the word fuss. She-beaver fuss with her fur. That doesn't sound right. Try fussed or messed.

Night Mistress wrote: They stop in front of it. Peter drew his sword and raised it.

“We’ve come to see Aslan,” he stated. His voice quivers even so slightly.

Again. It should be stopped, instead of stop. Quivered instead of quivered.

I've noticed something as you write. Without warning, you switch from one view to another. If you are going to do that, do it in chapters, please. That is why you have so many errors. I won't point out any more "errors". but you need to consider what I have said. I'm not picking on you because I'm mean, but because you are a great writer, and you need this.