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The Curse(02)



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Sat Nov 15, 2008 11:15 pm
Night Mistress says...



Chapter 2

Kel had long been ready for the trip to Fort Steadfast and was outside with Tobe, waiting for Neal.
“Where is he?” she grumbled.

“Probably still in the infirmary,” said Fanche. Kel groaned. It was an excruciating wait until Neal came running outside.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Babies don’t birth themselves!” he said, waving his hands at her.

“Neal, your hands,” Kel said. He looked down at them; they were covered in blood. Neal yelped and ran back inside.

“If he’s like this now, I wonder how he will fair when his daughter tries for her shield,” Irnai, the child seer, said. Everyone just looked at each other as Neal came back out.

“Okay, we can go now,” he said as he mounted Magewhisper. They started towards the gate.

“Lady Knight,” Irnai called. Kel, Tobe and Neal turned around on their horses to look at the small girl.
“Yes?” asked Kel

“Be careful, Lady Knight, for there is a dark aura that hangs around you,” Irnai warned. Kel’s brow creased.

“What does she mean?” Neal asked.

They turned to the road ahead again.

“I don’t know, but I guess I’ll just have to be careful,” Kel said.

“Be careful, you guys,” Merric yelled, waving from the wall. The three of them turned and nodded, waving back as they left the fort.

“What was that all about with Irnai?” Neal asked. I am getting a bad feeling about this, he thought.

“I don’t know” Kel said again, “but I don’t have the time to think about it right now.” They rode hard to Steadfast and arrived around midday, just in time for another meal.

“Who are you? State you name,” a guard on the wall commanded.

“Lady Knight Keladry of Mindelan, commander of the refugee camp, New Hope,” Kel said.

“Sir Nealan of Queenscove, healer at New Hope,” Neal said, wincing at the use of his full name.

“Tobeis Boon, servant to Lady Knight Keladry,” Tobe said.

“Open the gate,” the guard called, the gate opened. The three of them went into the fort.

“Kel!” Raoul exclaimed as he saw her. As she dismounted Hoshi he swept her into a huge hug. Neal dismounted and smiled, watching them. Raoul released her.

“It’s good to see you,” he said. Kel gave Hoshi’s reins to Tobe and he took Peachblossom and Hoshi to the stables.

“It’s good to see you too, sir,” Kel said as she walked with him.

“Kel, I told you to call me by my given name. Sir makes me feel so old,” he said.

“Of course, sir,” Kel said with a smirk. He just sighed and shook his head at her.

“I’ll have someone take you to your rooms,” he said smiling. He walked away leaving her in the courtyard

“Neal!” a plump, black-haired woman called, waving as she ran towards Neal. He swept her up into a hug.

“Hello, my darling,” he said putting her gently down. Kel smiled at the couple. She felt a tap on her shoulder. She turned to see clear blue eyes. As she stared, those eyes enveloped her attention, wrapping her in an ice-lagoon full of bluebells and snow.

“Kel, earth to Kel,” Dom said. She blushed, but hid it very quickly.

“Hello, Dom,” Kel smiled.

“Hello yourself, Lady Knight,” Dom said grinning. He looked in Neal’s direction to see his cousin engaging in small talk with his betrothed. “Hey, Meathead,” he called. Neal winced.

“Do you have to call me that?” Neal winced pulling Yuki closer.

“Yep,” Dom said with a smirk. Dom turned back to Kel. “I’m supposed to take you to your room. Your boy, Tobe, has already found it.”

“Thanks,” said Kel. All of a sudden, a wave of dizziness hit her, causing her to stumble and fall.
“Kel!” Neal, Dom and Yuki exclaimed as Dom caught her as she fainted.

“Come on, let’s get her to her room,” Neal said, completely forgetting Yuki in the worry over his best friend.
"I love you," she whispered in his ear, before taking his mouth with her own.

~Elizzabeth Grey of Addicting Posion
  





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Sun Nov 16, 2008 2:37 am
cooldude19967 says...



Better. You described more people and it was more interesting than your last. The ending seemed a little off to me though. And why dosn't kel have time to think about what the seer said? She has a long ride to new hope, and even if she's going fast it still gives her more than enough time to think. And would Yuki be running? Other than that, you got the essence of the characters very well.
Ready and willing to rip your work to shreds! (That is if you want it) Check out my "will review for food" thread.

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Fri Nov 28, 2008 5:23 pm
Rosendorn says...



Why is Yuki running? Easy. She's in love with Neal.

Defenetly better. I liked the discription of Dom's eyes. Peirce didn't put that in. And Meathead. I liked that.

Prose check. Some things I noticed:


It was an excruciating wait until Neal came running outside.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Babies don’t birth themselves!” he said, waving his hands at her.


Call it a pet peeve, but I prefer it when the actions are in front of the dialogue.

“I don’t know, but I guess I’ll just have to be careful,” Kel said.

“Be careful, you guys,” Merric yelled, waving from the wall. The three of them turned and nodded, waving back as they left the fort.


Those two lines are a tad redundent. Maybe if you have Kel think that after Merric says it.

“It’s good to see you,” he said. Kel gave Hoshi’s reins to Tobe and he took Peachblossom and Hoshi to the stables.


This line is a run-on. Either add a coma before the and, or split it with a period. Personally I'd split it. Also, Peachblossom and Hoshi is a bit of a mouthful. Why not say "her horses" instead?

“I’ll have someone take you to your rooms,” he said smiling. He walked away leaving her in the courtyard


Add a comma between walked and away.

“Neal!” a plump, black-haired woman called, waving as she ran towards Neal. He swept her up into a hug.

“Hello, my darling,” he said putting her gently down.


1- Put your comma after woman, not called.

2- Again, my pet peeve. Actions before dialogue.


“Kel, earth to Kel,” Dom said. She blushed, but hid it very quickly.


1-Exclamation point instead of a comma at the end.
2- I think he'd tap her head to get her attention


“Do you have to call me that?” Neal winced pulling Yuki closer.


Comma after winced.

“Thanks,” said Kel. All of a sudden, a wave of dizziness hit her, causing her to stumble and fall.
“Kel!” Neal, Dom and Yuki exclaimed as Dom caught her as she fainted.


1- Said Kel. Something about that order of words in anything that gets me going.

2- There seems to be one too many commas in the bolded section. I'd get rid of the one after "all of a sudden".

3- As is used twice in one sentence. To get rid of one, break the sentence into parts, like so:


“Thanks,” said Kel. All of a sudden, a wave of dizziness hit her, causing her to stumble and fall.
“Kel!” Neal, Dom and Yuki exclaimed. Dom caught her as she fainted.


Come on, let’s get her to her room,” Neal said, completely forgetting Yuki in the worry over his best friend.


[color=deeppink]I don't think Neal would use "Come on," in this sentence.

I won't ding you for inacuresy, since it's a fanfic, but I will say you dropped one of favourite scenes: Where Neal yelps about his bloody hands.

That is all.
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.
  





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Fri Nov 28, 2008 5:54 pm
Night Mistress says...



don't worry about it. i am not going to continue the fanfic here.
"I love you," she whispered in his ear, before taking his mouth with her own.

~Elizzabeth Grey of Addicting Posion
  








Doubt thou the stars are fire, doubt that the sun doth move. Doubt truth to be a liar, but never doubt I love.
— "Hamlet," William Shakespeare