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Who Will It Be? Part 2



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Sun Oct 05, 2008 11:44 pm
VampireBloodrace says...



"Oroshii? Come on, wake up. You slept in again!"

I groaned and turned my body to the side, feeling the mattress under my bony body adjust to my new position.

"Sasuke, it's your fault. I didn't wake up this morning because of last night's training! I need more hours of sleep than you do..."

"You know very well why I work so hard," he said in a low voice. I sensed him frown as he spoke.

I opened my tired eyes and gazed at his face. His eyes were filled with rage and his body had tensed up. I had seen this look many time since the 'incident' 7 years ago.

My parents had never come back from their mission. I had been told that they were both killed, but I wasn't told by what. "You're too young", they'd always tell me. Ever since then, Sasuke and I stuck together. I moved from my village and came to live here in Konoha. He also never let anyone else in. He's only ever opened up to me and kept himself secluded from everyone else.

I, on the other hand, became friends with a good group of people. Sasuke never understood my wanting for other friends; he still doesn't believe he can trust anyone else but me. And he believes the same rule goes for his only friend.

"I'll see you at school," I groaned.

He nodded and left the room, closing the door behind him. I took one last yawn before I threw the bed covers off my body. As I scanned my spotless red-painted room, my gaze stopped at an open window which had a wonderful view on the main village gates. Behind it, the forest was tainted red and yellow; the sun had just begun to rise. I guessed it had been opened by Sasuke.

The hot summer day's heat infiltrated my room, making me enjoy for a few seconds the warmth on my icy skin. I didn't know why, but I always had freezing skin in the morning.

After about five minutes of sitting, I finally moved my lazy butt of bed and got dressed. I did my hair and took a look at myself very quickly in my six-foot mirror. My long-sleeve, V-neck shirt hung loosely against my skin but tightly enough to show some of my curves. Yellow lined the end of the sleeves and my family's yellow crest went directly over the left side of my chest. I wore long matching black pants with my family's yellow crest once again printed down my right thigh. My smooth, long black hair was tied into a high ponytail with a yellow hair tie and a little piece of hair ran down my flawless face.

"Today is graduation," I said to my image in the mirror. "Wish me luck!"

I ran into the kitchen with a smile, threw a nutrition bar into my mouth, and dashed through the front door. As I locked up my apartment door, I quickly glanced at my next door neighbor's green-colored door; a window on either side. A railing lined the walkway and I quickly glanced down at the empty road below me. I was about 2 stories up, but I'd have no difficulty jumping down. I stopped in front of the door and set my hand on the knob. It turned downwards.

"Aaah, Sasuke," I sighed, closing my eyes. "You always forget when you're in a hurry."

I took an extra key from my pocket and locked the door. As soon as I was done, I dashed for school. I was going to be late if I didn't hurry up. Luckily I reached school a little early, so I took my time getting to class. As I walked down the hallway, I couldn't help but wonder what team I'd be put on. I hoped I was on the same team as Sasuke. Or at least on the same team as...

"Hey Oroshii!" a familiar male voice called to me as I entered the classroom. I smiled at the sight of him and quickly walked over to my seat next to him.

"Morning Kiba," I said with a smile.

Kiba was my second best friend. I became friends with him a year after the incident because he was the only one that didn't hate me. When I found out my parents had died, I only played with Sasuke and I always talked trash about the other students. Mostly because I didn't want anyone else to enter my life again, just like Sasuke. But after a while, I became bored and I wanted more friends around. I had tried to become friends with Ino and Sakura at first, but they never accepted me. I continued to try become friends with every person in my class, but I was always rejected. That is, until I met Kiba.

"You ready for the graduation exam?" he asked me.

Akamaru happily sat on his head with his cute pink tounge hanging out of his mouth.

"I sure am," I giggled while looking at Akamaru.

He jumped down from Kiba's head, landed in my lap, and began to lick my face.

"Haha. Morning to you too Akamaru," I laughed. I grabbed the little ball of fur and hugged him tightly.

"Make sure she doesn't kill him, Kiba", one of the girls from the first row said.

When I was 7 years old and learned that my parents were killed, I had gone on a rampage.I threatened anything that came near me, sometimes even came close to killing kids that wouldn't leave me alone. But the fact was, I wanted to be alone, to sulk in my own pain and not let anyone in. No one seemed to understand that. Adults tried to help me, to cheer me up, but I just turned on them too. That's what I thought at first, anyway. Of course, I let Sasuke back into my life a few days later, and even more people as time went on.

Sadly, that wasn't the only reason I was so unaccepted. Since the girls in the school had found out I had a very close relationship with Sasuke, they hated me more than Sasuke hated his brother. I know. Incredible. But they really hated me that much. I didn't understand why it bugged them so much, though. It's not like I was interested in him. He was my best friend. That was all and I honestly didn't care what stupid fan girls said or thought.

What really made me go insane, were the stupid remarks they'd say. Whatever it was, it always led back to when I was little. Always the same story about how I might kill something or someone.

I released Akamru, clamly gave him to Kiba, and stood up. I slowly walked down to the first row, keeping my cool and a cocky smile the whole time. The room grew silent as everyone's eyes were locked on my every step. The blue-haired girl who had spoken, now had a look of regret on her face. Once I reached her, she was hugging her friend and her face was halfway buried in her shoulder. Her eyes were tearing up, but I had no patience for people who still insulted me.

I threw my fist down on the desk in front of her, making her and her friend jump in fright. My smile immediately disappeared and in its place was a look of unforgiving rage.

"Would you like to repeat yourself?" I hissed.
Last edited by VampireBloodrace on Fri Oct 10, 2008 4:21 am, edited 2 times in total.
  





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Mon Oct 06, 2008 1:21 am
Anna Graham says...



Very interesting!

Two things: Remember to put your commas inside your quotation marks.
And, it's kinda strange to me for a boy and a girl to be living with each other, even if they're just friends. It's just a thought though.

Well done! I'm excited!
ttyl!
--Anna
"Man needs music, literature, and painting--all those oases of perfection that make up art--to compensate for the rudeness and materialism of life." -Fernando Botero
  





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Mon Oct 06, 2008 2:08 am
VampireBloodrace says...



Lol :lol: I've heard that before. My friends think the same thing!

Idk how to explain it, but it works for me like that. I admit it myself, it is weird ^_^
  





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Tue Oct 07, 2008 11:37 pm
PsychicNinja says...



Onward I critique! XP

Reading as I crit...I mean critting as I read:

His eyes were filled with rage and his body had tensed up. I had seen this look many time since the 'incident' 6 years ago.

I think 'incident' needs to "incident". And six years ago...so they're 13 now? This doesn't start at the beginning of Naruto Arc 1? The "massacre" happens when Sasuke is 7.

"I'll see you at school", I groaned.

Comma goes inside quotes.

My window had been opened and I guessed that it had been Sasuke.

Re-word, please. Something like, "I felt a breeze. Sasuke had opened the window." (That's sounds bad, but it's the direction you want to go.)

The hot summer day's heat infiltrated my room, making me enjoy for a few seconds the warmth on my icy skin.

Kandosii! Good detail. ^^

I finally got out of bed and got dressed.

Word choice (WC).

I did my hair and looked at myself very quickly in the mirror.

'got' and 'got'...Got is actually a very weak and bland word.

I wore long matching black pants with my family's yellow mark once again printed down my right thigh.

I don't think you want to word 'mark' here... Sign, symbol, emblem,...crest! Yeah, it should be 'yellow crest'.

"Today is graduation", I said to my image in the mirror.

Comma inside the quotation marks.

As I walked down the hallway, I couldn't help but wonder what team i'd be put on.

Needs to be capitalized. And I hope you realize that only Team 7, Team 8, and Team 10 survived their sensei's tests. The others went back to the Academy or just gave up. ^^

"I sure am", I giggled while looking at Akamaru.

Comma inside the quotation marks. And is this the graduation exam or the graduation? Because if it was the exam, then it would make sense that he'd ask her.

"Haha. Morning to you to Akamaru", I laughed.

to=too

"Make sure she doesn't kill him, Kiba", one of the girls from the first row said.

Does Oroshii have a history of past violence with people/animals? If so, then you should mention an incident. IF not, why would she say that?
Oh, and comma goes inside the quotation marks.

I let go of my grip, gave Akamaru to Kiba, and stood up.

How about just, "I released Akamaru, handed him back over to Kiba, and stood up."

Once I reached her, she had an expression that read please-don't-hurt-me!

Italics there. And why don't you explain how her expression looked like? Not just mention it.
________________________________________________________________________________________________

Overall, good job. I mean, this part is pretty short, so there's not much plot progression. However, I could see how Oroshii and Sasuke had both changed after what happened. Your description is improving but could still use some work.

PM me when you have to next part up. ^_^
~Psychic
"Look, Ma. No hands"
"You haven't got a ma."
"Maybe a nice old lady will adopt me. I'm very loveable."
―Fi and Darman
  





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Mon Oct 13, 2008 9:16 pm
VampireBloodrace says...



I have re-edited! Btw, Sasuke and I don't live together anymore!!!!!!
Friends are life
Music is life
Love is life
Writing is life
Hate is Death
  








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