Young Writers Society

The ending of the last chapter: When I was just about to grab the neddler, my eyes widened up as they cached a huge foot stepping on the grunts weapon as I looked in the face of my enemy that was just about to kill me.



Chapter 2
The memory

Everything was dark at first, but in seconds a light was growing. I found my self sitting on a pelican drop ship. “We are about to land marines, hold on tight!” the pilot warned. In the next 5 minuets I was out of the plane trying to understand what the hell was gowing on! Is this a dream I wondered? When I looked back I saw a whole group of medics running at the plane getting out the wounded soldiers. “You are terribly wounded sir!” a nurse screamed “What I don’t feel a thing.” The nurse looked at me like I am an idiot “You are shot sir. Write next to your shoulder!” “Hell no I’m no-t-t. Holy crap I am, but how? When?” Their was a silent pause, but I decided to stop the quietness “Excuse me, I need to go. As I turned my back on her I understudied that this was a memory. Hullo, I thought. I think I should shut up and let the person that I am in do the work for me. All of a sudden I started to walk not knowing where. I came to an old scrubby door and opened it. It was my own cabinet.
(Ow ye I almost forgot two days ago I became a captain, but not fully. I was still taught how to be one by one of my other commanders. So that’s why I have my own private room.) As I sat down on my bed the door opened again. A beautiful enchanted young woman, Tex, walked in. “You feeling alright?” I didn’t answer (Not remembering why I did that and when.) “Why did you save me?” She asked. I started to begin remembering me running down a battlefield bullets flew over my head. I saw Tex fighting a brute (They usually fight in packs and are really ruff guys. They are really looking like guerrillas in a physical and emotional way. The brutes are 7-8 feet tall.) I saw one of his comrades trying to fire Tex in the back with a spiker. I ran fast as I can pushing her to the ground, shooting one of them in the face with my M90 shotgun and getting shot in the arm. “Why?” Tex asked the second time. “Because I have to protect my comrades, and it’s my duty.” “No! No. I don’t want any more lies.” I mad a deep breath “I love.” All of a sudden I felt her lips touch mine. The room started to get darker and darker untill.

Ahem... Put the thing in the beginning... into the last chapter... not this.


So let's start.

In the next 5 minuets I was out of the plane trying to understand what the hell (had happened)?

And this part:

“You are terribly wounded sir!” a nurse screamed (Paragraphing) “What I don’t feel a thing.” The nurse looked at me like I am (would have been.... not am.) an idiot “You are shot sir. Write next to your shoulder!” (Press enter here) “Hell no I’m no-t-t. Holy crap I am, but how? When?” Their was a silent pause, but I decided to stop (Break, not stop) the quietness (Try the word: silence) “Excuse me, I need to go. As I turned my back on her I understudied that this was a memory. Hullo, I thought. I think I should shut up and let the person that I am in do the work for me. All of a sudden I started to walk not knowing where. I came to an old scrubby door and opened it. It was my own cabinet

And this:

(They usually fight in packs and are really ruff guys. They are really looking like guerrillas (Gorillas) in a physical and emotional way. The brutes are 7-8 feet tall.)

Otherwise very good.



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LORD ANZIUS WUZ HERE

I'm back because i was intrigued by the first chapter

Again with the paragraphing. For me, seeing just one big block of writing is un-nerving and hard to read, especially when there's dialogue switching between different people all cramped into one space.
(Adding paragraphs also makes your work seem longer )

And the explaining thing in brackets. I don't really think you need to put it in there.

I liked how you put the last bit of the last chapter in at the beginning, as a reminder.