Young Writers Society

Aladdin:thieving girl

Chapter 2





Asima rushed down her street as not to be caught again. She wasn’t quite enjoying being hit. It hurt like heck. Resisting the urge to put her hand over the bruise that was now forming on her stomach she lead him to her house or what she had of a house. Abu dove into the nest of what was left of the green ragged old blanket. She turned to the boy. “I’m sure you’ll have to stay here for a bit so get comfortable,” She told him plopping down beside Abu. She put her hands behind her head and closed her eyes.

“Can I have a name?” She heard. She opened her eyes and jumped at how close his face was to hers.

“Back up!” She pushed him back. “Asima. You can call me Asima.”

“Asima hu… Sounds like a girl of royalty that died years ago,” He commented.

“It wasn’t that long ago. What do you know of it?” She asked curiously.

“Can I tell you a secret?”

“Sure. I don’t care.”

“I’m really prince,” He huffed.

“Yeah. And? I don’t mind. Now tell me of the dead royalty,” She said with interest. She didn’t mind him being the prince and she didn’t really care. She wasn’t held by anything like that. Even if he was or is she didn’t care either. He might actually be a good story teller. She knew she was but there was no one to talk to. To tell it to.

\^/ \^/ \^/ \^/

“well… here goes nothing.

It was spread quickly through the land that a fair princess that was said to have grown up beautiful as ever had died at a young age. The butler said he went looking for her and never found the royal necklace she wore. She happen to have only one necklace on when she disappeared. It was simple but special enough that no one could mistake it. It held one thing on it. A small charm on it. The charm was of a genii with a ribbon wrapped around it. On the ribbon carved on it was ‘Jasmine’. She sounded almost perfect if she had lived through whatever happened to her I might have actually chosen her. All the other princesses are not for me. I wouldn’t be able to stand a marriage with any of them. I have to wonder where she is…” He lost thought and gave way to a far off look.


Hopefully this explains the thing in chapter 1.

Things were taken kind of fast. I would make it longer, it would be easy.

{She wasn’t quite enjoying being hit} Hello Mr. Obvious. This in uneeded I think. Who enjoys getting hit? I understand it's sarcastic, if you want to keep it then put it in italics.

It could be a thought of Asima's instead of just a statement. “Can I have a name?” She heard. This sounds like Abu was asking Asima to give HIM a name. Replace 'a' with 'your' to that sentence. She pushed Abu away. Say something about how she did not like being close to people, he stunk, made her uncomfortable or something.

I have not read the first chapter but you would think Abu would want to keep his idenity secret a little longer. How does he know Asima is trustworthy?

Add more detail to the conversation. How did they talk? What were the emotions? Detail would help.

I like it but it could use a little work.
Scorpia

She turned to the boy.

Okay. In this first paragraph, why aren't you calling him Ali? He did introduce himself last chapter so you should start using his name instead of calling him 'boy'.

She opened her eyes and jumped at how close his face was to hers.

I don't know who's face you mean. Abu's? Ali's? Instead put 'Ali's face.'

“Can I tell you a secret?”

“Sure. I don’t care.”

“I’m really prince,” He huffed.

Like Scorpia said this is highly illogical. Remember how in the movie that Jasmine doesn't reveal her lineage until their lives are in danger? I'm not saying you should do this, but I'm trying to tell you that it's not something you blab out to someone you just met just because they said they'd keep it a secret.

“Yeah. And? I don’t mind. Now tell me of the dead royalty,”

Once again this is illogical. Even though she doesn't care he's a prince it's something unexpected. No one would react that way. She should at least be a little surprised, or even in doubt.

Overall: Not much better or worse than chapter one, but once again you didn't describe your surroundings. You've got to get in the habit of doing that.