Chapter 15:
D’s War Journal
Entry 4:
It’s been a while since I had a chance to write in my journal. A lot has happened since my last entry. Caboose killed the black team’s leader by throwing a grenade over a hundred yards, I possessed the body of a Mexican robot, command has sent a pacifist medic to support both teams and my jackass team mates traded me and Caboose off to the enemy team as hostages because I bet Grif twenty bucks to walk through the teleporter.
But despite all that’s happened, this deal doesn’t suck as much as I thought it would. Axel and Hank are actually pretty cool. They let me try out all the weapons in their armoury. They even gave my armour a wicked black paintjob. They tried to give Caboose’s armour a new paintjob, too, but it didn’t go over too well with him. He ended up biting Hank’s finger when he took off his helmet. I know we’re supposed to be enemies and all, but I kinda like it over here.
“Hey, D!” Axel had stepped out of the base and was walking over to D, who was sitting on a rock behind the building.
“Yeah? What is it?”
“I just wanted to ask you some-” He paused when he saw the book in D’s hands. “What’s that you’re writing?”
“It’s my war journal. I’m recording the events that happen in this war so I have a story to tell my family when I get back.”
“Journal? You mean like a diary?” he asked. “That’s kinda gay.”
D shut the book and put it back in his suit’s compartment. “Shut up, Axel! What do you want?”
Meanwhile, on the other side of the canyon…
“…So he was shot in the head?”
“Right.”
“…And you gave him CPR for a bullet wound in the head?”
“Exactly.” Grif and Doc were standing off to the side of the base talking about when Grif saved Serge’s life.
“…Yeah, I think that’s a perfectly acceptable treatment.”
“That’s what I said!” Grif stated.
“Oh, yeah. People often overlook alternative medical care. Remember that blue guy you guys shipped off to the other team who got shot in the foot during battle? All I did was rub his neck with some scented oil. He was fine!”
“Yeah, I don’t know about all that, I’m just glad that Serge is wrong.”
“Grif!” They turned to see Serge and Simmons working on the warthog. Vehicle maintenance had become a real chore ever since Lopez ran off. “Yer supposed t’ be watch’n the medic, not play’n looky-loo with ‘em all day long!”
“Come on, Serge! It’s not like he’s going to shoot us while we’re not looking. He doesn’t even have a gun!”
“Oh, well you two would be great friends then!” Simmons said. “He doesn’t have a gun, and you didn’t bring any ammo!"
"Hey, thanks, kiss a**! If I want to take guarding tips from the guy who lost our last prisoner I’ll be sure to ask you!”
“Uhh, hey, guys? I-I just want to let everybody know that Grif and I aren’t, uhh, technically friends, uhh, we‘re just talking… That’s it.” Grif slowly turned to face the purple armoured medic as he spoke. Doc turned to Grif next and said, “Sorry, dude, but it’s pretty obvious that you’re really unpopular, and if I’m going to be making any progress around here at all I can’t really be directly associated with you…” Grif just stared at him. “…I’m sure you understand… It’s only because no one likes you… Stop staring at me…”
Serge turned to Simmons and said, “Keep work’n on the warthog, I need t’ get in touch with command and arrange for ‘em t’ send another soldier.”
“Another one?” Simmons asked.
“Well, now that Caboose and D have switched sides, we’re gonna need more soldiers to even out the teams,” Serge explained.
“Switched sides?” Simmons asked. “Didn’t we just hand them over to the enemies?”
“I know that, and you know that,” Serge said, “but command doesn’t know that, so tell Grif t’ keep his big yapper shut ‘til the new guy shows up.”
“Yes, sir.”
Back at the other base...
“So, let me get this straight. After your team mate shot you with the tank you turned into a ghost and took over the body of a Mexican robot?”
“Yes,” D said.
“…Do you really expect me to believe that?” Axel asked.
D answered, in Spanish, “No, not really.”
“What is that, French?”
D sighed. “Where’s Caboose? I haven’t seen him since my team traded us off like a bunch of baseball cards.”
“The blue guy?” Axel asked. “He kept whining and saying he was bored so Hank took him out for a walk.”
Elsewhere…
“Can you buy me some ice cream?” Caboose asked as he and Hank walked around the vast expanse of the battle field.
“There aren’t any stores out here, so no,” Hank said.
“I want some apple juice.”
“You just had one before we left!”
“I want apple juice!”
“So, let’s just say I believe you,” Axel began, “if you really are the other team’s robot mechanic, do you think you can activate your repair sequence and use it to fix Sheila?”
“Sheila?”
“The tank.”
“Hmm…” D thought for a moment. “I’ve always wanted to drive a tank. Well, yeah, it’s worth a shot, I guess.”
“So, you really have no problem doing it, even though you know we’re going to be using it against your old team mates?”
“As long as I get to use it first, I don’t care what you do with it.” D steadied himself. “Alright, stand back.” Axel did what he was told and took a few steps back. “Huurrrrrrrrggg! Hgggnnnn! Hrrrmmmmm!”
“Anything?”
“Yeah, it’s not as easy as you think it would be. It’s not like, you know, flexing a muscle or something like that. I’m not even sure how half the stuff in here works!”
“Maybe there’s a button on you somewhere?” Axel suggested.
“See what you can find, I’ll keep trying from in here. Hrrrrggg- Oh, hey!”
“Found it?”
“Ahhh, no, wait, all I found was the time and temperature function. It is currently twenty-six degrees by the way.”
“What? It’s not twenty-six degrees out here, that’s freezing!”
“Celsius, Axel.” A glimpse of movement from inside the base caught D’s attention. “What the…”
“What is it?” Axel asked.
“I thought I just saw…” D thought for a moment, maybe it was just his imagination. “Never mind, just see if you can find a button or a switch somewhere on my body.”
Axel knelt down to examine D’s legs. He noticed a switch on the lower part of his body. “Hey, I found something!”
“Oh yeah? You found a button?”
“No, dude, it’s more like a… switch.”
“Well, give it a flip!” D said.
“I don’t want to flip it,” Axel said.
“What’s the problem?”
“…It’s in a weird place.”
“Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me!”
“You flip it,” Axel said.
“These arms aren’t that flexible,” D explained, “I can’t even reach down there!”
“What about Caboose?” Axel suggested.
“Hank’s taking him for a walk, remember? Besides, he’s so stupid I don’t even think he knows how to operate a switch!”
“Oh, man…” The situation was becoming more and more embarrassing. Axel glanced to his left and right to make sure no one was around to see them.
“Axel, come on, I want to ride the tank! We’ll laugh about it later. I’ll buy you dinner.”
Axel sighed and kneeled down again. The switch went click click as he tried to flip it. “It won’t move, it’s stuck!”
“…Did you try wiggling it?” D asked.
“No way, I’m not wiggling your dongle!”
“Oh, stop being a baby!” D said. “Just wiggle it!” Axel tried wiggling the switch a little. As he did, D asked, “Soooo… you from around here baby?”
Axel got back to his feet. “Okay, look, if you want me to do this you can’t talk.”
“Alright, alright, alright, I’m sorry. I’m just kidding, I’m just kidding.”
“I wish Tex was here,” Axel said, “she wouldn’t have any problem flipping it.”
“Who, the chick Caboose rubbed out? I don’t know about you, but I don’t really want that crazy b*tch anywhere near that area of my body.”
Axel sighed and knelt down again. After a few more tries the switch made a successful CLICK! “There!” Axel said in triumph. “Anything?”
D shook his head. “Nope, nothing… That’s kinda weird.”
“What?”
“Do you hear something beeping?”
Once Serge had finished talking to command he called a team meeting beside the base where the warthog was parked. “Are there any ideas on what t’ do with the medic?” Serge asked.
Simmons said, “Well, we have to get him away from Grif because… well… it’s kind of a cruel and unusual punishment to have to talk to him.”
“Maybe we should get him to fix the jeep so it’ll stop making that annoying beeping noise,” Grif said.
“What noise?” Simmons asked. Everyone turned to face the warthog to find that it was making a noise. Suddenly the jeep’s headlights turned on and a deep voice from the dashboard said, “Warthog online. Homing beacon activated.”
“Uhh… Serge? Did the car just talk?”
“…Uh-oh…”
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