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life and death: a chipmunk tale: chapter one: Life and Death



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Tue May 06, 2008 11:35 am
spaced_out says...



Life and Death

DC: I do not own Alvin and the chipmunks, I only own my OC, Matt.

PS: this takes place in 2008. The ‘munks are 18.

CHAPTER ONE: LIFE AND DEATH!

The six chipmunks were walking along. School had been great, and it was Britney’s first day of school after her coming home from the hospital. Britney decided to talk about what she saw “well, I think I saw gates.” At this point Alvin interrupts saying “and look, I got a new cell phone!”

They split, and later that night, he gathered his brothers and the chipetts and tried out the cell phone.

They went outside and Alvin punched in may 1st 8:01 PM 2010. Suddenly a ghost came and said “come with me... TO THE FUTURE!” so they did.

The six were on a sidewalk and saw the six of them, a year older, in Dave’s car. Suddenly they saw a semi. The two crashed. The ghost punched a new date and time on the phone. May 2nd 6:00 AM.

They were in a hospital. The six were lying there, like Britney, but they would not come back. Dave, Mrs. Miller, Zack, and Laura were knelled by their beds crying.

Suddenly Dave, who remembered what happened when this happened to Britney, started to sing.

Dave

My little boys and girls
All laying there near death
Makes me want to cry
But you don’t know what happened until it happened to you!

All come in

We’re so sad and blue
We hope that you
Can see it through

Dave
But I know
That you won’t see it through
But whenever I think
I’ll miss you

End of song

A doctor came in and said “I’m sorry to have to say this, but your children are dead.”

The six could not bear it. They all sobbed. The floor was as wet as a sock in the rain.

The ghost punched in Hollywood Ca. into the phone

They were in a house. They opened the door. They saw a lady. She said “why hello. Please come in!”

A boy ran up to his mom and said “look mom, the chipmunks and the chippets are dead!”

The six said “um, no, we are right here.”
Alvin explained everything to the boy who’s name was Matt.

Matt punched in a date. May 1st 2008.

“I remember that day well.” Said Simon

WHY?
And where are they going?
Or when?
if you can dream YOU CAN DO IT!
  





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168 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 168
Sat May 10, 2008 10:53 pm
scasha says...



Britney decided to talk about what she saw “well, I think I saw gates.” At this point Alvin interrupts saying “and look, I got a new cell phone!”
-- instead be more direct. Britney who was walking home with her (brothers? Friends?) turned to her companions and said, "Well, I think I saw gates. Alvin interrupted her, "Look! I got a new cellphone!"
They split, and later that night, he gathered his brothers and the chipetts and tried out the cell phone.
-- too abrupt of a transition. Try to flow into it.
They went outside and Alvin punched in may 1st 8:01 PM 2010. Suddenly a ghost came and said “come with me... TO THE FUTURE!” so they did.
-- slow down :-) we're going really fast here. Show everything that happens up to this point, don't just jump right to the ghost!
They were in a hospital. The six were lying there, like Britney, but they would not come back. Dave, Mrs. Miller, Zack, and Laura were knelled by their beds crying.
instead say but they didn't move.
Suddenly Dave, who remembered what happened when this happened to Britney, started to sing.
-- you're jumping again. Slow down and show the chipmunks story :-)
Dave


The six could not bear it. They all sobbed. The floor was as wet as a sock in the rain.
-- show more emotion. Alvin's eyes welled up. Britney hugged her friend or something like that

I really love the ideas you've got here! Alvin and the chipmunks are really cool.
Suggestions:
1) Slow it down. Show the audience everything that's going on. Have more dialogue more action not just "this happened then this happened ...." Engage your audience.

Keep up the good work! :D
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 3
Mon May 12, 2008 1:10 pm
Sofia says...



Weel, That is very good work for such a young writer, like you. Keep going like that. Wish you luck.
  








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— Calvin