Young Writers Society

This is kinda based on X-Men... I'm just adding some mutants that could possibly be in X-Men but just not featured. Reminder: I am not a very good writer. Keep that in mind. And I'm open to any suggestions.

All right, this is an edited version. If you think my beginning is still cliched, please let me know. And any suggestions for a different beginning would be appreciated. Also, i changed the title to Mutants. And this is chapter one.





The bell rang, releasing everybody from their classes. Shouts of “see ya tomorrow, man,” “I’ll see you at Wild Waves,” and “Have fun!” reached my ears as I walked outside. I found my bus, 12D and went up the stairs. I managed to get a seat near the back of the bus. I was one of the last people to get off the bus so I preferred to sit in the back or as close as possible. I chatted with my friends for a while, but as they got off one by one, I had nothing left to do but read. After about 15 minutes, we finally reached my street.

I got off at the bus stop and walked to my house. As I approached it, I got my first glimpse of it and our golden retriever, Jackie, running out of the house. She leaped up at me, knocking me down onto the slightly damp grass and just missing Mom's precious chrysanthemums. “Hey! How are you, Jackie?” I said, smiling, while she vigorously licked my face. “OK, OK, enough face washing. Dad remember to take you out for a walk today?”

She barked, and danced around me as I walked to the front door. As I opened the door, I yelled, “Dad! Did you remember to take Jackie for a walk?”

“Your mom did. I was too busy today,” he yelled back.

I rolled my eyes and walked into the living room, dropped my backpack on the floor and flopped down onto the couch, petting Jackie for a while. My mom, Angela, looked into the living room and said, “Alex, I’m taking Jackie to the v-e-t now. It’s time for her routine check up.”

“Alright. No prob. And you do know that Jackie still understands the word vet even if you spelled it.” She gave a small whine at the mention of the vet. I looked down at Jackie and said, “Go on, it’s OK. The vet’ll try not to hurt you. Go with Mom.”

After they left, I turned the TV on and switched channels for a few minutes. Nothing good on. All kiddie programs or just stuffy adult things. The only thing on right now was the news. I sighed, turned the TV off, then leaned back on the couch and closed my eyes.

My eyes snapped open, hearing people yelling in the house. I sat up and recognizing the voices as my parents. I yelled back, “Why are you yelling? Can’t anybody get sleep in this house?”

But when I spoke, the neighbor’s dog barked loudly at the same time. Loud enough to cover up my voice. I tried speaking. And yet again, the dog barked. I turned around, hearing my dad shouting at me from behind the couch. I leaped off the couch when I saw he was holding a broom and thrusting it at me. I finally realized that he was saying, “How did that dog get in here? Get out of this house! Scat!”

His voice seemed a lot louder than normal and when I looked around, I couldn’t see any dog. That confused me. Sure, the neighbor's dog was barking his head off but there was no dog IN the house.

I jumped with surprise because all of sudden, my dad was in front of me, whacking me with a wicker broom, screaming his head off and becoming livid.

I backed up quickly, trying to get to the back door. But at that instant, my mom blocked my way with a chair. I twisted around and dove under the chair. As I ran past a ceiling-to-floor mirror in the hallway, I saw myself as a beagle.

No time to ponder that, seeing my dad was ready to whack me with the broom again, so I ran full tilt towards the door and reached out to grab the knob. But I found that I couldn't.

Wait a minute. I skidded to a full stop in front of it. I noticed that the dog door was about the same level as I was. My mind flashed back to the fleeting image I had seen in the mirror. I tentatively put my hand—no, paw—on the flap and pushed. It moved.

I risked a glance over my shoulder and saw my parents staring at me, dumbstruck. I wondered why they were looking confused then I realized that most dogs wouldn’t hesitate to go through the door. I yelped and jumped through the flap as my dad dived at me with an angry shout, waving the broom.

I rushed into the backyard and looped around through the side yard to the front. I paused and turned around.

I took one sad glance at my house, which I had lived in since I was two years old, with the ivy growing up the back, the royal blue trim, midnight purple siding, the peeling white paint on the fence, the gnarled apple tree, chrysanthemums in the front garden, and a burn mark on the grass where a disastrous BBQ had occurred. I turned and loped towards Central Park with a broken heart, believing I would never be able to go back home.

Pretty cool but the last paragraph is LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG! break that up...polish it and you're good

Hello, my friend, and thank you for writing an X-Men Fanfiction. I'm a fan of the concept (the earlier comic books are my favorite).

Okay, so, I shall give you an extremely nitpicky critique, but it's all in love, I promise.

Yet another long day of school. I got off at the bus stop and walked to my house. As I approached it, I got my first glimpse of it. The gabled roof, one turret--which was where my room was located--brick walls, white trim, the wisteria, the chrysanthemums mixed with roses, a well-manicured lawn, and of course, our golden retriever running out of the house to greet me.

Okay, this part was a bit strange. Why explain exactly what the house looks like? Why not show me by saying something like- "My golden retriever knocked me onto the well-manicured lawn, almost destroying Mom's chrysanthemums." or something of the like.

I rolled my eyes and then I walked into the living room

Delete the "then I" part. It's redundant.

“Alright. No prob. And you do know that Jackie still understands the word, vet, even if you spelled it?” She gave a small whine at the mention of the vet. I looked down at Jackie, and said, “Go on, it’s OK. The vet’ll try not to hurt you. Go with Mom.”

Should be "And you do know that Jackie still understandds the word vet even if you spell it?" I'm not at all sure about the question mark either. Also, delete the comma after 'I looked down at Jackie'.

Nothing good on. All kiddie programs or just stuffy adult things. The only thing on right now was the news and I didn’t really like watching the news.

This is a bit awkward, and the incomplete sentences don't really work. I suggest changing it a bit.

I took one sad glance at my house, which I had lived in since I was two years old, with the ivy growing up the back, the royal blue trim, midnight purple siding, the peeling white paint on the fence, the gnarled apple tree, chrysanthemums in the front garden, and a burn mark on the grass where a disastrous BBQ had occurred. I turned and loped towards Central Park with a broken heart, believing I would never be able to go back home.

This entire paragraph is wonderful. Perhaps use it instead of repeating what you said in the first paragraph? I'm not sure...

Anyway, there's your grammar bit. And now:

Character Development: Okay. The mom and the dad were sort of badly developed, but I think you don't mean for them to be main characters, so it's okay. As for your main character, erm...is it a boy or a girl. Unless I missed something, there was no indication...

Plot: I can see where it's going. Bravo, my friend, bravo.

I hope that any of the above is helpful to you. If you need a review on anything, I'm always around, so just PM me.

Ky

Hmm, I love the X-men. You have an idea not bad but ya do have a habit of telling rather than showing you do bring out the character well for first person but could be done better. You don't have an exellent hook. Which your story dearly needs:

Yet another long day of school. I got off at the bus stop and walked to my house.

Really it's quite cliche a school boy comes home like any other day and he finds out that he's a dog. You need a more effective hook. Now try reading the start of some of your own books to see what other authors did.

Overall: This has some potential just try not to bore us as ya continue.

Also a query if this is in the X-Men universe. Will ya have the Friends of Humanity in it.

Good luck
VSN

I love X-men!!! I liked this. Good job.

I sat up and recognizing the voices as my parents, I yelled back,

Use a period instead of a comma after 'parents'.

“How did that dog get in here???

Only use one question mark. Multiple ending marks usually looks unproffesional and disrupts the reading a little.

His voice seemed a lot louder than normal and when I looked around, I couldn’t see any dog. Then it dawned on me.

The dog he was talking about was me.

Here's my problem with this. He realised what had happened too soon. No matter how much proof you have, you don't realise that kind of thing so quick. C.S. Lewis did this perfectly in his book Voyage Of The Dawn Treader when one of the characters gets turned into a dragon from his greed. When he saw his hands, he thought they were another dragon's coming from behind him. Even when everything moved as he did he didn't discern it. It was after he'd run on all fours to the pond and seen his reflection did he figure it out. And even that took a moment.
What I'm trying to say is that transformation is so out of place in real life that you wouldn't realise that it had happened so quickly.

I saw myself as a beagle.

His power is turning into a beagle? I bet the girls'll love him.

Good job so far. This is pretty interesting even though your writing isn't perfect. You rush some things and don't always take your time, but to fix that all you need is practice.

PM me when the next part is up. I love X-men, and I think this will be pretty interesting.

A few grammar revisions:

“Your mom did. I was too busy today,” he yelled back.

If the boy yelled it, try putting exclamation points instead of a period and/or comma.

Shouts of “See ya tomorrow, man.” “I’ll see you at Wild Waves.” and “Have fun!” reached my ears as I walked outside.

That should be...

Shouts of “see ya tomorrow, man,” “I’ll see you at Wild Waves,” and “Have fun!” reached my ears as I walked outside.

This is really interesting. I liked the story line. Try developing it more by showing instead of telling.

Hope this helps and I can't wait to read chapter two!
- Summerless <3~