Young Writers Society

*Now finaly there are real Naruto characters involved. ^_^*


Chapter 4
The Caller



Momo entered a forest pushed past the low tree branches. Her wounds had already healed completely, and only a small stinging feeling was left in her stomach. All she could hear was the voice calling out to her.

A strange wind spat out at her and blew her hair back. Momo felt a strange chakra presence when she passed the last branches. Momo found herself on a crater. A huge crater, created recently from great power. Then she spotted it: a creature on the center of the crater. Red chakra was forming around the fox, like demon. The air smelt of fresh blood around it; it's breathing was loud and echoed everywhere.

As Momo walked towards the demon, a vision of a huge prison cell appeared before her. She gasped. What was that? I could have sworn I saw a huge cage with a boy inside, and huge glowing red eyes behind him. Why?

The monster fox roared at Momo. It saw her coming towards it. She stopped- frozen stiff. The girl was afraid and yet she did not run.

Momo could see it again- the huge prison cell, with the boy and monster inside of it. She walked towards the bars. They must have been around a foot thick, and on the middle bar was a piece of paper. It read seal.

“What do you want pathetic human?” A voice growled.

Momo looked up to see a huge demonic fox huddling over the boy. The boy didn’t even notice either Momo or the monster over him. The boy just stared at the ground- lost in thought, but Momo certainly did notice him. He was taller then she was- 0ver 5’ 6”. His blonde spiky hair went nicely with his Sappire blue eyes. Three lines went across each of his cheeks. The boy wore an orange and black jacket and orange baggy pants. Over his forehead he wore a leaf headband. He was a leaf ninja- unlike Momo, who had originated from the Grass village.

Momo couldn't belive it. The abitily of her demon inside her allowed her too see the truth. This was the truth.

Momo looked up at the demon fox. Which had nine tails, and a hint of red chakra glowed around it. It seemed both hungry and impatient, so Momo answered quickly.

“I-I came h-here for him.” Momo answered, as she pointed at the boy.

The demon fox began to laugh. "Foolish human, you cannot save him. Soon I will have control over his body and his mind shall stop existing.” It told her.

The blonde stared at the other blonde. He was the light that she wanted- that she needed. Momo would save him. She ran towards him. Ignoring the roaring threats of the monstrous demon fox.

"He's just like me. I was lost too. Unable to ignore the demon's control. I have to save him!" Momo thought.

She didn't want to hurt him. Only help him. The boy reminded her of herself. Weak and out of control.

Then she grabbed the boy. As soon as she did a light began to glow from both of them, and then Momo could see the real world- with both of her eyes.

Instantly when she saw the real world, the demon fox crashed into her. It sent her flying back. Quickly she stood back up, but then the demon tackled her again. Momo however tried to push him back intead.

Momo grunted as it forced her back. She fought back, creating a trail from her shoes digging into the ground. She felt her skin start to boil and burn- from touching the creature’s skin, but Momo held back her screams. Then the red demon fox bit into Momo’s neck.

“Release!” Momo yelled.

A tattoo on her back vanished and Momo’s special ability kicked in. Quickly Momo’s body began to absorb the red demon fox’s chakra. As the thick red chakra seeped into Momo’s body- its true form began to show. It was the boy, in the prison cell.

When all the red chakra vanished into Momo, the boy passed out into her arms. “Seal,” Momo muttered.

The tattoo on her back returned and her body stopped absorbing chakra. The leaf ninja’s weight was too much for Momo, so she fell to the ground and placed him besides her.

As Momo knelt besides him, three other ninjas from the leaf village appeared around her and the boy.
“How did she do that, Yamato-sensei?” the pink- haired girl asked.

He sighed. “I’m not sure Sakura, but at least she saved Naruto, and us as well.”

Sakura walked towards Momo. She placed her hand on her shoulder. “That’s weird.” Sakura realized.



In the background a short black haired boy with pale skin wearing a black belly shirt, was scanning the area.

“What is it Sakura?” Yamato asked.

“She’s out cold, but there are other wounds present besides those from fighting Naruto. Look there is a huge gash mark in her stomach.” Sakura reported.

The pink haired ninja laid Momo on her back, and began to use a medical ninja technique to fix her wounds.

“Sakura, Sai. As soon as Sakura is finished healing Naruto’s and the other girl’s wounds we are heading back to the village. This mission was a success. The fire dragon scroll has been retreated and we are heading home- to give it to Hokage Tsunade.” Yamato told his squad.

[i]

GOod!

thanks. I try my best with this. ^_^

Momo [s]had[/s] entered a forest and pushed past the low tree branches. [s]Momo[/s] She had almost completely forgotten about her life-threatening wound, only a small stinging feeling was [s]still[/s] left in her stomach. All [s]Momo[/s] she could hear was the voice calling out to her.

“She had almost completely forgotten about her life-threatening wound, only a small stinging feeling was left in her stomach.” Honey, you just said it was life-threatening. As far as I know, you don’t forget about that easily. Mention she bandaged it, or something. Or at least did an attempt to heal it, in some kind of way, because this doesn’t work.

A strange wind spat out at her and pushed her hair back. Momo felt a strange chakra presence [and w[/b]hen she passed the last branches Momo found herself on a crater. A huge crater, created recently from [s]a[/s] great power. Then she spotted it: a creature on the center of the crater. [s]A[/s] Red chakra was forming around the fox like demon.

In the second sentence, I’d advise using another word instead of ‘push’. Perhaps: “blew her hair back”. It sounds more natural, and you’re not repeating the first paragraph, in which you use the word ‘push’ as well.

“fox like demon” Describe the creature at first, and don’t just throw at the reader that it’s a “fox like demon”. Sure, those who’ve seen the show know what you mean, but those who haven’t have no idea what you’re talking about. Describe it with you senses: what sounds did it make, what did it look like, was there any kind of smell? Questions like that will help to build your description. You can use these senses (hearing, seeing, smelling), but in other situations you can uses tasting and feeling too.

As Momo walked towards the demon, a vision of a huge prison cell showed. She gasped. What was that? I could have sworn I saw a huge cage with a boy inside, and huge glowing red eyes behind him. Why?

The monster demon fox roared at Momo. It saw her coming towards it. She stopped- frozen stiff. The girl was afraid and yet she did not run.

“monster demon fox”. Monster is basically the same as demon, so you’re repeating yourself. I think it would be better if you stuck with one of them, or at least didn’t use them at the same time.

Momo could see it again, the huge prison cell, with the boy and monster inside of it. She walked towards the bars. They must have been around a foot thick, and on the middle bar was a piece of paper. It read seal.

“What do you want pathetic human?” A voice growled.

You’ve got the entire sentence above quoted, not just the speech. It might be better just to leave the speech bold, and the rest ‘normally’.

Momo looked up to see a huge demonic fox huddling over the boy. The boy didn’t even notice either Momo or the monster over him. The boy just stared at the ground, lost in thought, but Momo certainly did notice him. He was taller then she was: over 5’6”. His blonde spiky hair went nicely with his safire blue eyes. Three lines went across each of his cheeks. The boy wore an orange and black jacket and orange baggy pants. Over his forehead he wore a leaf headband. He was a leaf village ninja- unlike Momo, who had originated from the Grass village.

Safire: I’m not sure about this one. My spell checker says this spelling is okay, but as far as I know it could be spelled as sapphire as well. Though the first one doesn’t give synonyms, and the second one (sapphire), does. [I’m talking about synonyms like azure, cobalt, navy here.] Perhaps you’d like to go with the second one, just to be sure.

Momo looked up at the demon fox, which had nine tails, and a hint of red chakra glowed around it. It seemed both hungry and impatient, so Momo answered quickly.

“I came here- for him.” Momo answered, as she pointed at the boy.

I’m not sure if you want to keep calling the fox ‘it’. Him could be used as well, and is easier to read over. Every time I see ‘it’ I think more of an object, like a tea cup, than a person without gender. I think using he is quite safe here.

“I came here- for him.” You can take the hyphen out here, or otherwise use a comma if you really want a pause in the sentence.

The demon fox began to laugh. "Foolish human, you cannot save him. Soon I will have control over his body and his mind shall stop existing.” It told her.

You got “It told her” in bold again.

The blonde stared at the other blonde. He was the light that she wanted- that she needed. Momo would save him, so she ran towards him, ignoring the roaring threats of the monstrous demon fox.

“so she ran towards him” He’s in a cell: she can’t reach him. From what you told before, I got the impression she already was standing in front of the cage, not from a distance. Otherwise she wouldn’t be looking up at the demon (unless he’s as tall as a skyscraper, of course), if she’s standing a distance away. It’s easier to look at high objects from a distance, since you won’t cramp your neck (as much) as you would when standing right in front of the object.

While Momo was running towards the boy in the prison cell – she could see the real world, one eye for the prison cell and the other for the real world – as she ran towards him, in the other eye she watched the demon fox in the crater run towards her. Momo spread her arms open, ready to embrace both the boy in the prison cell and the monster fox in the real world.

“in the other eye she watched the demon fox in the crater run towards her” In the end I could finally understand this sentence, but because it’s so long, it might be better to split it up in parts, maybe so that the first and the last part (before and after the hyphens) are connected. And than you could put the sentence in-between the hyphens before there, or something.

Then she grabbed the boy. As soon as she did a light began to glow from both of them, and then Momo could see the real world- with both of her eyes.

“Momo could see the real world- with both of her eyes” The hyphen can be take out.

Instantly when she saw the real world, the demon fox crashed into her. But she embraced it with a hug.

Momo grunted as it forced her back. She fought back, creating a trail from her shoes digging into the ground. She felt her skin start to boil and burn- from touching the creature’s skin, but Momo held back her screams. Then the red demon fox bit into Momo’s neck.

“She felt her skin start to boil and burn- from touching…” Hyphen can be taken out here.

“Then the red demon fox bit into Momo’s neck.” Why would he do that? As far as I know Kyuubi isn’t a vampire, but a kitsune (an ‘enchanted’ fox, so to speak). And even if it’s an animal, it’s not really his style, I believe.

“Release!” Momo yelled.

A tattoo on her back vanished and Momo’s ‘special’ ability kicked in. Quickly Momo’s body began to absorb the red demon fox’s chakra. As the thick red chakra seeped into Momo’s body- its true form began to show. It was the boy, in the prison cell.

The Japanese equilavent for “Release” is “Kai”.

“A tattoo on her back vanished and Momo’s ‘special’ ability kicked in.” You have to be really, really careful about this. The people in Naruto fandom really anal about this issue will scream “SUE!!” almost immediately, even if it’s just this they know. But also with her past involved and such, her mother keeping her inside and calling her a monster… I’d do a Mary-Sue litmus test just to be certain. I believe one can be found in the Writing Tips forum, under the topic title ‘ Sidestepping Mary Sewage’.

Think about what I said in my previous review: flaws and mistakes are what make a person human. It’s definitely a big part in the entire process of creating a character. Ask yourself what she fears, or what she would hate to do. When would she get more emotional than is appropriate for a ninja? Think about these questions, they’ll help with your character. And if you already have: applause to you!

When all the red chakra vanished into Momo, the boy passed out into her arms. “Seal,” Momo muttered.

“the boy passed out into her arms” That seems painful. “Into” is better off being “in”.

The tattoo on her back returned and her body stopped absorbing chakra. The leaf ninja’s weight was too much for Momo, so she fell to the ground and placed him besides her.

As Momo knelt besides him, three other ninjas from the leaf village appeared around her and the boy.
“How did she do that, Kakashi-sensei?” the pink- haired girl asked.

H e sighed. “I’m not sure Sakura, but at least she saved Naruto, and us as well.”

Sakura walked towards Momo. She placed her hand on her shoulder. “That’s weird.” Sakura realized.


In the background a short black haired boy with pale skin wearing a black belly shirt, was scanning the area.

“a short black haired boy” Does this mean he is short or his hair is short? I know Sai’s hair is short, but I never really watched his height. Perhaps you could clarify this.

The comma between shirt and was isn’t really necessary.

“What is it Sakura?” Kakashi asked.

“She’s out cold, but there are other wounds present besides those from fighting Naruto. Look, there is a huge gash mark in her stomach.” Sakura reported.

If the gash is in her stomach that most likely means it’s internal. Perhaps different wording?

The pink-haired ninja laid Momo on her back, and began to use a medical ninja technique to fix her wounds.

Perhaps you could use ‘heal’ instead of ‘fix’ here?

Sakura, Sai. As soon as Sakura is finished healing Naruto’s and the other girl’s wounds we are heading back to the village. This mission was a success. The fire dragon scroll has been retreated and we are heading home- to give it to Hokage Tsunade.” Kakashi told his squad.

“we are heading home- to give it to Hokage Tsunade” You can take out the hyphen here.

Also, Hokage Tsunade sounds, bluntly said, kind of stupid. I think Kakashi would be more inclined to say either Hokage-sama, or Tsunade-sama. Maybe even Godaime-sama.

You had some problems with citation marks. These: “. Sometimes they were positioned in the wrong spot. Watch it closely after you’ve written. Sometimes you forgot to space to the next sentence, which made the citation marks part of a sentence that wasn’t dialogue at all. Be careful with that, read it over before you post it on here to see if you can spot small mistakes like that.

When does this take place in the time-line? I’m completely… baffled, by your scenario. At first I thought it was at that bridge of Heaven and Earth in Grass Country (which would make sense because that’s where she’s from), but then you’re talking about a fire dragon scroll? I don’t get it, to be honest. How did Naruto end up in his fourth tail state anyway? The only time that happened was with Orochimaru, so something must have really upset him. Or something.

Story wise… I believe that it’s interesting Momo could see Kyuubi. I’m guessing it has to do with her being a ‘monster’? Also, some kind of connection between Naruto and Momo would be quite interesting.

You did quite a good job with the chapters so far. Not too many mistakes, most of them had to do with punctuation anyway, so if you get that right it’s pretty much okay.

Alright I corrected it. Thanks I hope you like chapter 5!

Hey. I'm sorry it took so long. I was...too much into Bleach. =P

Momo entered a forest nad

Haha, just a simple typo here. XD

She ignored her wounds,which had already healed completely,

Wait...hold on...if they're already healed completely, then they wouldn't really be wounds anymore. And also if they're healed then she wouldn't need to ignore them because they weren't there, right? I think you need to fix this to make it more clear...

Momo felt a strange chakra presence, when she passed the last branches.

Either you should connect the end of this to the next sentence or just take out the comma. I would prefer the former.

Red chakra was forming around the fox like demon.

Fox and like need to have a hyphen to connect them.

The air smelt of fresh blood around it, it's breathing was loud and echoed everywhere.

Instead of a comma, which makes this sentence not work, you need a semicolon.

As Momo walked towards the demon- a vision of a huge prison cell showed.

The hyphen again. XP
And showed? That's the best word for this? Showed? How 'bout 'popped up before her'? Or something like that (that example isn't really a good one...). *shudders* 'Showed' sounds terrible...

They must have been around a foot thick, and on the middle bar was a piece of paper. It read seal.

“What do you want pathetic human?” A voice growled.

Okay, I'm assuming this is Naruto in his four-tailed form... But for one thing how can she see inside of Naruto? This reminds me of when Sasuke saw inside Naruto when they met again in Shippuuden. Unless Momo has some super duper amazingly awesome kekkei genkai, she would not be able to see inside of Naruto like Sasuke did. That's a Sharingan thing. You need to explain Momo and her powers more!! It feels like you're jumping into this without giving the reader of sense of Momo's character. See, right now...I don't really care about Momo or what happens to her. And this is your fourth "chapter". You need to flesh her out more, so the reader can be "in" the story.

^_^Oh, and also, I'm not really sure about the rules for bolding...you should probably research that. I haven't seen much bolding in the books I"ve read..more italicizing....

His blonde spiky hair went nicely with his Safire blue eyes.

So...if Naruto's in his fox form...she wouldn't be able to actually see Naruto...and how he looks...I'm lost here...
It's spelled 'sapphire' and it's not capitalized.

The boy wore an orange and black jacket and orange baggy pants.

I wouldn't say that Naruto wears baggy...or even pants. Pants reach to the ankles or past, most of what Naruto charas wear are kapris..or something of the like.

He was a leaf village ninja- unlike Momo, who had originated from the Grass village.

Is this the first time you've mentioned that Momo is from the Grass Village (if it isn't I wasn't paying attention. XP)?? Because if it is, it should have been mentioned sooner. And Naruto isn't a leaf village...XD XD he's a leaf ninja. XD

Momo looked up at the demon fox; which had nine tails, and a hint of red chakra glowed around it.

And this is where you don't use a semicolon. Semicolons are used to connect two independent clausess...or sentences, basically. So instead of a semicolon you need a comma. And then you need to get rid of the and and start a new sentence of ''a'.

“I came here- for him.” Momo answered, as she pointed at the boy.

WHAT? This is certainly random...but I'll just read on.... XP

The demon fox began to laugh.” "Foolish human, you cannot save him. Soon I will have control over his body and his mind shall stop existing.” It told her.

I see that you're having dialogue problems. You need to get rid of the extra quotation mark in the beginning and instead of stopping with a period at the end of the quote, use a comma. And then put 'it' in lower case.

He was the light that she wanted- that she needed.

To me, Momo's motivation seems completely unclear. You need to get into your character's thoughts!!!!!!!!! Then we can get a little info on why she wants this 'light'.

Momo would save him, so she ran towards him.

I don't think you should use 'so' here...maybe just create two separate sentences.

While Momo was running towards the boy in the prison cell- she could see the real world. One eye for the prison cell and the other for the real world- as she ran towards him, in the other eye she watched the demon fox in the crater run towards her. Momo spread her arms open- ready to embrace both the boy in the prison cell and the monster fox in the real world.

ERRT!! WRONG! And LAME!!! She's a ninja and sorry, but this is just stupid. What normal [s]ninja[/s] person would run toward a demon who they have no idea what they are and just randomly try to hug them because they think that would save them???????? I suggest rethinking the motivation and...maybe the whole story here...sorry if i'm being too rough, but this bugs me.

But she embraced it [s]with a hug[/s].

CLUE: Embracing and hugging are the same thing. *laughs* It sounds funny, too. Just leave it at that.

tattoo on her back vanished and Momo’s ‘special’ ability kicked in.

I don't know why you put the quotation marks around special...

“How did she do that, Kakashi-sensei?” the pink- haired girl asked.

To present knowledge, Sakura has never seen Naruto's demon form until Shippuuden when in that part. So at this point she would be totally confused. So this...doesn't make sense at all. I have no idea when this is taking place, either.

“Sakura, Sai.

Um...oh...kay... at least this makes a little more sense now that I know this is in Shippuuden. Maybe, since I'm guessing this is after? Sakura and Naruto see Sasuke again, you should have 'Yamato' there instead of Kakashi-kun...I'm still confused as to when this all takes place. @_@

______________________________________________________________________

Wow, you have some plot and character holes. You need to flesh out Momo more and gives us her motivation!! This all seems too dry and unreal.

~Psychic Shinigami XP