Young Writers Society

Chapter 3
Calling



“ Now, now Momo you should know better than trying to go outside.” an older woman explained to eight year old Momo.

The little girl dressed in a white dress sighed.” I know mommy, but all I want to do is play with the other kids. Can’t I do that?”

Momo’s mom stroked her child’s cheek.” No matter how much fun it seems the people of the outside world are just going to try and kill you. Like I’ve said before you’re different.” There was anger in her tone.

Momo looked away. The small child did not understand her mother’s words- only that people are bad. The woman patted Momo on the head and walked into the kitchen, on the 2nd floor. The little girl ran down the stairs and towards the open living room window. Her mother allowed the little girl to watch the outside world through the window.
Momo perched herself on the windowsill.

“Who are you?” A boy asked.

Momo gazed down to see a black haired boy sitting down in the garden- just under the window. He was dressed in a black shirt and blue jeans. She just stared. She had never anticipated she’d ever talk to another child like herself.

“How come I’ve never seen you at the Grass village Ninja Academy?” he said.
"or any where else in the village?"

He smiled.” Its okay if you don’t want to talk. I’ll do all of it for you.”

The gray eyed boy continued to talk with Momo, even though she didn’t answer him. She was surprised that he was so interested in her. After awhile she did want to answer back.

“I’m Momo.” She finally told him.

The boy giggled." You have a cool name Momo.”

Momo blushed." Oh by the way I am Kai. Kai Uduro.” Kai added.

An intese urgde to be outside overwelmbed Momo. She jumped out of the window. She landed next to him. They both just stared into each other’s eyes. I like him. He’s kinder to me than Mommy.

“ Kai?” Momo asked.

“Yes?” He said.

The little girl didn't know what to say. She had never really talked to anyone besides her mom.

“Will you be my friend? You can take me to that ninja academy you’re going to, and we’ll hang out.” Momo pleaded.


Kai extended his arm towards Momo. His hand was open." Sure. Let’s swear to be friends forever and always be together.” Kai decided.

Momo lifted her arm and took his hand. They shook, and the promise was made.
Kai’s laughter was all Momo could hear, but something strange was happening. His laughter first was playful and child like, but then it turned twisted. she could hear something menacing in it. Almost filled with a bloodlust. It was something from her nightmares.

Darkness swept around Momo’s vision. She could only see her hand. The blonde was lost. Separated from the light of the happiness she had once had with in her grasp, Momo had given up. Nothing was left for her. Not even her dreams could give her joy- all she could see was the emptiness of a heart left to die.

Momo stared at her hands. I wonder if he’ll remember me?
Then a bright light blinded Momo- causing her to cover her face. Instantly she felt it. Sadness much like hers, but unlike hers this sadness still had hope inside of it. The light filled with sadness but still had a person's hope, was giving warmth onto her cold limp body. Even when she was dreaming her real body felt the warmth as if it was surrounding her.

Momo uncovered her face. Is the light calling to me? Can it be asking for me to save it, or is it giving me hope as well? What is happening?

The light, is caused her to awake.

Momo jolted up. She was still in the grass area by the river. It’s still calling to me- even when I’m awake.

The girl forced herself to stand up. She had to answer the light’s call. It was almost instinct to follow the voice, which was crying into the night sky. Shaking the earth with a bloody cry.

[/i]

“Now, now Momo you should know better than trying to go outside,” an older woman explained to [s]the[/s] eight-year-old Momo.

The little girl dressed in a white dress sighed. “I know mommy, but all I want to do is play with the other kids. Can’t I do that?”

Momo’s mom stroked her child’s cheek. “No matter how much fun it seems the people of the outside world are just going to try and kill you. Like I’ve said before, you’re a monster in human form.”

“Momo’s mom stroked her child’s cheek.” This sentence is a bit awkward. Perhaps you could change it to: “Her mom stroked her cheek.”

“Like I’ve said before you’re a monster in human form.” This… doesn’t seem very mom-like to say. If she hates Momo, because she’s a ‘monster’, I don’t think she’ll talk to her like that. Look at how the people in Konoha treated Naruto. If her mom really hates Momo – because, the way I feel it, she wouldn’t say the girl was a monster otherwise – she should act that way. And if you want the mom to love Momo, you obviously can’t have her saying that to her child, she’d love her too much to say something hurtful like that.

Momo looked away. The small child did not understand her mother’s words, only that people are bad. The woman patted Momo on the head and walked into the kitchen on the second floor. The little girl ran down the stairs and towards the opened living room window. Her mother allowed the little girl to watch the outside world through the open window.

“only that people are bad.” I couldn’t really understand why she would think something like that if she doesn’t understand what it mean. It’s illogical – especially with the sentence beforehand saying she doesn’t understand. Also, it’s quite… oddly phrased. If you want to keep it in, perhaps you could use, “only that people want to hurt her.” Because that’s what you can get out of the story.

“kitchen-on” Hyphen can be taken out.

Momo perched herself on the windowsill.

“Who are you?” A boy asked.

Momo looked down to see a black haired boy sitting down in the garden, just under the window. [s]The little girl just[/s] She only stared. She had never anticipated she’d ever talk to another child like herself.

“How come I’ve never seen you at the academy?” He added.

Not all kids go to the academy. I’m guessing some parents just won’t allow them, either because they’re villagers, or because they think it’s too dangerous. Maybe you could have him say: “How come I’ve never seen you (around)?”

[s]The boy[/s]He smiled. “It’s okay if you don’t want to talk. I’ll do all of it for you.”

The black haired boy continued to talk with Momo, even though she didn’t answer him. She was surprised that he was so interested with her. After a while she did want to answer back.

“I’m Momo,” she finally told him.

The boy giggled. “You have a neat name Momo.”

Momo blushed. “Oh, by the way, I am Kai. Kai Udurho.” Kai added.

Udurho is a big no-no. It’s impossible for the R and H to be placed after each other, since they’re both consonants. I’m assuming here you want to keep the names Japanese – since Naruto is, originally, a Japanese series. If you’d like the name to be similar to this one, just take out either the r or the h. Or both, that’s possible too.

I don’t know how ‘traditional’ you want to get, but perhaps you could switch the names around, as in: last name first, first name last. That’s typically Japanese. So if you want to go for authenticity… that’s what most fans like anyway.

Something over came Momo. She jumped out of the window and landed next to Kai. She stood in front of him. They both just stared into each other’s eyes. I like him. He’s warm and kind. I feel happier around him. More than with Mommy.

“She stood in front of him.” I don’t think this sentence is necessary, and if it is, it feels rather choppy.

“Kai?” Momo asked.

“Yes?” he said.

“Will you be my friend? You can take me to that ninja academy you’re going to, and we’ll hang out and stuff.” Momo pleaded.

Kai extended his arm towards Momo. His hand was open. “Sure. Let’s swear to be friends forever and always be together.” Kai decided.

Momo lifted her arm and took his hand. They shook, and the promise was made.



Kai’s laughter was all Momo could hear, but something strange was happening. His laughter first was playful and child like, but then it turned twisted: a menacing tone was in it. Almost filled with [s]a[/s] bloodlust.

“a menacing tone was in it.” This sentence is awkward. Maybe you could change it to: “she could hear something menacing in it.”

Darkness swept around Momo’s vision. It was all she could see. The blonde was lost. Separated from the light of the happiness she had once had with in her grasp, Momo had given up. Nothing was left for her. Not even her dreams could give her joy, all she could see was the emptiness of a heart left to die.

Momo stared at her hands. I wonder if he’ll remember me?

But, at first you said ‘darkness was all she could see’. If you look at it like that, this sentence doesn’t make much sense. Unless she can still see herself, of course, but that isn’t clarified in any way.

Then a bright light blinded Momo, causing her to cover her face. Then she felt it. Sadness much like hers, but unlike hers this sadness still had hope inside of it. The light filled with sadness but still had hope was giving warmth onto her cold limp body. Even when she was dreaming her real body felt the warmth as if it was surrounding her.

The first two sentences of this paragraph start with ‘then’. You could either change the first or the second one to give the text some variation. You could perhaps use, “All of the sudden, she felt it.” for the second sentence.

Basically, I could follow everything until: “The light filled with sadness but still had hope was giving warmth…” The hope part confused me the most. Perhaps you could say it was a person’s hope, instead of saying it was the light’s. Because that doesn’t make much sense to me.

Momo uncovered her face. Is the light calling to me? Can it be asking for me to save it, or is it giving me hope as well? This is weird.

“This is weird.” This sentence basically breaks the mood of mystery you created in this paragraph.

The light, it caused her to awake.

The ‘awake’ in bold and underlined isn’t necessary. Again, it breaks the mood of the story. If you really want to emphasize this word, use italics instead. It doesn’t stand out as much as the bold does.

Momo jolted up. She was still in the grass area by the river. It’s still calling to me, even when I’m awake.

“It’s still calling to me, even when I’m awake.” I think you forgot to italicize this, since they’re Momo´s thoughts.

The girl forced herself to stand up. She had to answer the light’s call. It was almost instinct to follow the voice, which was crying into the night sky. Piercing the earth with a bloody scowl.

Okay, first it was a light, and now it’s a voice? You’ve got me confused here.

Also, “Piercing the earth with a bloody scowl.”

The ‘piercing’ could be right here, but because you use ‘scowl’, it confuses me. Scowling is an expression of the face. If it were a sound, say, like a scream, it (probably) would be the right context, but...

As for the other definitions... I don’t think the ‘scowl’ moved the earth greatly. Nor did it cut through it. And a hole wasn’t made either. Sorry if this is all... weird, but I specifically looked it up to be certain. English might not be my native language, -maybe that’s why it may sound confusing at times- but I’m fairly certain I’m right about this. Please point it out, though, if I’m not. Perhaps it’s just an English expression I haven’t heard of, who knows?

Anyway, I guess I liked this chapter, to a certain extent, but most of it was flashback. Though this easily could be used to make the reader understand better, I think it would be a better idea to perhaps incorporate this information into another place in the story, where it might fit in better and a flashback will not be necessary. A scene where Momo and Naruto are talking, for example. Or perhaps you could incorporate Kai later on in the story. It certainly would give the story some more conflict.

The part after the flashback confused me a lot. Instead of answering them, it only makes more questions. What’s this light? Why is it calling to here? Why is there a light in the first place?

Also, be careful to not make the character too special/powerful/beautiful/all of the aforementioned, because it doesn’t create sympathy for a character. And by giving them a ‘flaw’ like a tragic past, it works the other way around. Because people will start to guess it was created on purpose, it doesn’t belong to this character. Make your character human. Everyone makes mistakes, has flaws. So does your character. All you have to do is show that to the reader. That’s the most important thing of all: making the reader relate to your character, feel sorry when something bad happens to them.

Other than that, it’s a nice story – different from what I usually read, but hey, even I can use a change once in a while, right?

Konnnichiwa, Maki-chan!

Critting as I read:

“ Now, now Momo you should know better then trying to go outside.” An older woman explained to the 8 year old Momo.

This immediately says "Flashback!" Maybe you should try to make it scream that out less. And also write out the word "eight". Corrected sentence: "Now, now Momo you should know better than trying to go outisde,"an older woman explained to [the] eight year old Momo.
That's just grammar stuff. I suggest taking out the eight year old part and just adding that to the next sentence.

Momo’s mom stroked her child’s cheek.” No matter how much fun it seems the people of the outside world are just going to try and kill you. Like I’ve said before you’re a monster in human form.”

Holy cow!!! Is that what parents usually say to their kids (like Gaara) "You're a monster in human form."??? Not really....more like "you're different." or something to that effect.

The woman patted Momo on the head and walked into the kitchen-on the 2nd floor.

*is dying from your hyphen usage*

The little girl ran down the stairs and towards the open[s]ed[/s] living room window.

Her mother allowed the little girl to watch the outside world through the open window.

"The open window" is repetative now.

Momo looked down to see a black haired boy sitting down in the garden- just under the window.

"Looked down to see..."??? Okaaay, that's sorta weird sounding. I suggest using a thesaraus (even though I don't know how to spell that).

“How come I’ve never seen you at the academy?” He added.

He needs to be lower case. And since it's a title, like calling your mom "Mom", you need to capitalize academy. And you're also basically saying that all kids in this particular village (your location is very...non-existent to the reader) go to the ninja academy there. Haha, which isn't true. What if everyone in each ninja village became ninjas?

The boy smiled.” Its ok if you don’t want to talk. I’ll do all of it for you.”

Haha, the first set of quotation marks are backwards. And you need to spell out 'okay'...or if you don't do that, i think (although maybe not in writing) you have to capitalize it, OK? XD

The black haired boy continued to talk with Momo- even though she didn’t answer him.

A few things here:
You need to start desribing the little boy more-his looks and such. Now, every time you need a comma instead of a hyphen, I shall scream 'comma." COMMA!

She was surprised that he was so interested with her.

Hm, "with" sounds a little funny. HOw about "in"?

The boy giggled.” You have a neat name Momo.”

Your quotation marks are backwards again. And since the Naruto realm is basically in Japan...wouldn't he be familiar with the name Momo? And 'neat'? Do little kids usually say 'neat'? Maybe it should be cool or..ya know how direct little kids are? He could just say weird...

Momo blushed.” Oh by the way I am Kai. Kai Udurho.” Kai added.

Your quotation marks...again. And 'Udurho'? Does that sound very Japanese?? I dunno...it sounds kinda weird...

Something over came Momo.

Now this sentence is totally vague, undescriptive, and....lame!! Please explain/describe.

I like him. He’s warm and kind. I feel happier around him - More then with Mommy.

This is really lame...I'm sorry....'tis just lame. *giggles*

“Will you be my friend? You can take me to that ninja academy you’re going to, and we’ll hang out [s]and stuff[/s].” Momo pleaded.

.” Sure. Let’s swear to be friends forever and always be together.” Kai decided.

Corrected sentence: "Sure. Let's swear to be friends forever and always be together," Kai decided.

^_^

His laughter first was playful and child like, but then it turned twisted- a menacing tone was in it.

Um, yeah, that last part... Take it out and integrate it into the rest of the that sentence. Or start a complete new one.

Now there are four more places after this with hyphens I am seeing and...most of them should be taken out and replaced...
Hyphen are usually there to add effect, as in an action scene. But they are not there to replace commas.

It was almost instinct to follow the voice; which was crying into the night sky. Piercing the earth with a bloody scowl.

Semicolons: They are to connect two independent clauses (sentences) that would fit together. Over here, you have And indepedent clause and then a dependent caluse. Change that semicolon to a comma and you'll be alright.

That last sentence...how about this: "It pierced the earth with a bloody scowl."

Also, that last sentence doesn't sound good. Scowl. And pierce? Those don't work together.

_______________________________________________________________________

Please follow RedHill's advice as well.

Overall:

This was an interesting flashback, but I think you should have better transitions to and from the flashback. You also need to make the location of where the story takes place in the Naruto world apparent. This doesn't feel (right now) like it's in Naruto. You still need to work on your description. Try to make these chapters longer. You can do that by explaining, in other words, writing more details.

Keep it up.

~the [s]great[/s] Psychic Ninja, Timea

Alright I fixed it to your approvale and added a few other things. Sigh... The italics are just a force of habit. Also I kind of make the story with out really describing a character since thier mine. I'm sorry. I hope you like the stuff I fixed, and I also will be improving chapter 1 right now! ^_^